welcome to the forum, introduce yourself :)

hi all,

I am trying to deal with narcissistic abuse for the past 3 years. I have been searching for some info on You Tube and I have found Spartan Live Coach channel. Despite my knowledge about narcissistic abuse I am struggling to come out of that poison which my ex put in my mind - now I think I must also be the crazy one to let him to do this all to me.

I found your videos on You Tube very helpful. It really helps to know that I am not the only one who is emotionally drained in this terrible way. I hope you will put more videos on You Tube.

XXX

Hi, i'm "kyra"
I've been in a relationship for 11,5 years with my partner. For a year ago we separated.
I still don't know if he is a narssist or just very intelligent IQ 140 ( he's also an intj, myers briggs profile)
He is manipulative, dominant, he always knows the best, and when I said something else,I was headstrong.
And because he was so intelligent I gave him always bennevent of the doubt. So in the end it made me feel as if I was nothing.
If I had a problem with him, it always went back to him, how could I say that, now he couldn't sleep and he needed his sleep so bad, or his weekend was spoiled and he needed his rest so bad, so it made me feel guilty again and I did not talk over my problem annymore.So in the end of the relationship I didn't talk to him anymore,only smalltalk.
He is either grandioos or very much a victim and suffer the most. So in that aspect I think he is a narsist.
And now when I see him and I am strong, he cryes a lot,and guilttrips me, and when iIam weake (crying) he is apathetic. and states that is is very hard for him all of it!
It is a very long story 11,5 years, I can not write down all of it.
Eather way i'm getting stronger and find myself back, people who met me 7 years ago( collegues) say iIturned into a very nice strong beter looking woman, so whatever he is doesn't matter in a fact, we're not good together.

Hi! I've just recently discovered this forum as well as a new understanding of Narcissism and how it's more clearly defined my past and even on-going controlling and manipulative relationships. I hope that other greetings I've read still visit this sight and contribute their input. I've already found many of your introductions to be relatable and have helped set me at ease with things I've worried about.

For instance, I find it interesting that I've heard a couple of references to feeling "paranoid." It's nice to feel I'm not alone in this thought process. More than just internet security, the fear that our manipulators will find out we've expressed our true feelings of distain most likely stems from experience of that person(s) intrusion of our personal boundaries in order to control not just our lives, but our feelings as well. This feeling of "paranoia" has made me and others feel completely CRAZY at times, and many people don't understand how it feels to be fully clothed, yet completely naked and exposed at the same time.
Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for allowing me to trust you.
   Doremi

Hi guys, I'm really pleased to find this forum - I'm surprised that it isn't more active, but then I think that annonymity and fear of the narcs probably stops people from posting online. Am I right? I know I'm wary and so I've changed my name. I'm not really called CoCo, LOL

I have a Narcissistic Mother (NM) who I think is also borderline, and had a borderline father (BF).  Richard's videos were the wake up call that ended the oddness and weirdness in my life.  Having read around the subject I now see everything in colour, and not in black and white anymore.  So much upset, confusion, broken family relationships, infantization, religious fundamentalism, brainwashing, engulfing, and ignoring..  My NM is a text book narcissist.  It is astounding that her behaviour has not been picked up much sooner in my life.  She is not just a "self centred, eccentric, self opinionated" woman that I have just grown to accept as a really crap mother.  She's ill. Sick. Toxic. Dangerous.

I've just gone NC and feel so much better (ITS NOT ME!!!).  Still, I have much anxiety about what  NM will do for revenge. She always always has to win.  She is always right, and I must be punished. I am sure this is what she will be thinking.  I think in going NC my *spirit* has to stop looking over my shoulder to see if she is coming.  I hope this will come in time.

It would be good to hear from others in the same situation, without having to disclose too much information that would give away our identities.   

welcome to the forum Coco

Hi people. My name is Jed and i used to go under the name 'Jedeyewarrior' on Youtube before i changed it to 'EmeraldCity' Incase anyone i know saw my comments. I have no problem revealing my name on here. I originally found Richards videos because i practice martial arts and when he started doing more psychology based ones i was pleased because that's another interest of mine. Since studying and gaining more knowledge on 'Cluster B's' i have managed to identify people in my life who i'm convinced have one of these disorders. One was a girl i was involved with who i suspect was Borderline, and the other is my mum who is most definitely NPD.

Good to be here and look forward to some interesting discussions.

Hi all,
Damn that google plus, I had no idea it provides anyone who has a google account & your google email in there address book with a little slide show of your youtube history until my narc/bpd mother asked me if my username was so & so & if the hunky guy in the YouTube vids was a new love interest!? Whilst initially delighted that she thought it possible for me to attract such a handsome dude (lol), i was obviously horrified & new she would keep looking to see what I was doing so this seems like a great idea.

hi, everybody,

MJ that is terrible but funny that your mum didn't realise that you were watching the vids because of her, lol

Hi ! Found the spartanlifecoach videos on youtube and just wanted to say thank you !A lot of the material resonates with my own experiances and has been a real eyeopener .Especially the ones about people pleaser syndrom and CPTSD .
At the time of writing this I suffer from panic anxiety (well not in this moment ,I´m actually calm and relaxed )And have a hard time just to go shopping for example . I have been worried that I end up just trapped in my flat . I have been very angry about a series of events reasently .But now feel like I can understand more about my own way of thinking and inability to say no for example (oh thats a hard one when it really, counts and mean something) .To set bounderies and see my part and contrubution to the problems.

Hi, I have been following SLC for sometime now on youtube. Thank you! At one point I was even taking notes   I was getting so much from them. I am the product of a Narc/Bpd mom and a moody and enabling dad. I suffer from Complex PTSD, also and was so relieved I guess you could say to be able to put a name to exactly what it was. I had 2 therapists tell me I had PTSD......but at that time had never heard of complex. At the moment my anxiety is kind of up there too. After close to year of no contact with my parents, my father sent me a very nice card....very unlike him at this point in his life, and that unfortunately opened up communication with my N mom again. All the junk came flooding back. Last week was pretty bad. I have decided to go back to No Contact as I do better as a person withOUT them in my life, both emotionally and physically. It is so hard.......but it is what I need to do for my own well being. I was the scapegoat in my family; heck still am. I have one sibling, a brother and he is definitely Mr. Golden Child who can never do anything wrong.   .....
Thank you for starting a forum for all of us to be able to connect.

Jedeyewarrior wrote:Since studying and gaining more knowledge on 'Cluster B's' i have managed to identify people in my life who i'm convinced have one of these disorders.

I am the same.  This new information has changed my outlook and my life completely.  I have identified several narcs that have been in my life.  I seemingly attract them.. and they drop me when I *challenge* them. BOOM - gone. Curiously blaming me for being a sh1t friend and leaving me confused, haha

I see narcs in the public eye, politicians, sports personalities, world leaders etc.. and recognise a couple of histrionic friends.  Infact, I dont seem to attract *normal* people.  I say that tongue in cheek, but not, because it is true!  It has always been true, and now I have some ideas why.  It is so enlightening and so empowering to have this knowledge.  I wish I'd known 20 years earlier, my life would have been so different.  

It's really cool coming out the other side and realising all this stuff!

Welcome all!

Hello, I am an almost 50 year old People Pleaser from Montreal, Canada.

I'm hitched with someone who may have NPD/BPD... for 25 years with 4 teenaged kids.
2 of the kids are exhibiting NPD/BPD sh*t.
I'm showing lack of self worth and am now confused and depressed (not as bad as it has sometimes been).
I do consider the possibility of leaving camp.
Not sure how to survive that, but I have a few real friends.

I'm not writing this to get attention, but I feel that if people like me know that they are not alone, that may encourage them to open up.

Enjoy Richard's videos.
Thinking of buying the Assertiveness training package...
streetfightsecrets.com/self-assertiveness-training/
There are so many interesting resources on the internet!
I've learned a whole lot in the last few months!

Cheers!

Gentile (This is my real middle name, from Italian tradition... Sorta fits the bill for a People-pleaser...)

Hi! Just wanted to say hello and look forward to the forums and enjoy Richard's perspectives! Cheers!

Hey all, just thought I'd share a website that I found quite helpful, it's regarding emotional intelligence, it has a tool kit which guides you through some gentle meditation in an aid to relieve anxiety & stress. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq5_raising_emotional_intelligence.htm

Coco - I know, really not good! lol

welcome to the forum everyone, sorry Ive not had much time to post recently but will be posting more over the next few days

Hello Everyone.Gawd...this is good.! And as an relative amateur expert when it comes to this subject, finally, intelligent constructive sensible information and advice.
I've watched all Spartan Life Coach videos, some two or three times and found truth.
I've been trying to figure out and come to terms with this subject since 2011 and although I have spent years in counselling researching and reading everything available my real issue is traction.
Traction bloody traction, I believe it is the hardest part.
I know I've been in my cave licking my wounds and generally feeling pathetic and sad for a couple of years I know the door is open but....I cannot for the life of me walk through it...just typing that made me cry.
I've gone from being hectic active, riding six horses a day, running around like a lunatic, to never leaving the house for days.
I think Spartan Life Coach might be be the one, to verbalise specifically step by step how the hell to get that traction. I live in hope....
Love to all you loving wonderful people, I hope you're breathing slowly deeply with rythum.
Chucky

Oh YAY Chucky, I'm glad to see a current post: I heard Pink Floyd singing, "is there anybody out there...?" It's really great to read everybody's introductions and look forward to share in the company of friends I've never met ;-). For 15 years I have been out of a 16 year marriage to a narcissist and it's blowing my mind how far reaching, long lasting those tentacles are!!! Although I realized long ago my then husband was/is a Narcissist, it is only now that I am realizing, fully grasping all that encompasses. Thanks to The Spartan, I now am understanding why I'm so f**%ed up. As enlightened and evolved as I've thought I was I Cleary am not finished running this race. I'm grateful for the lessons and the hard core soul searching, truth seeking I've done but I want to go deeper. I've gained much through therapy but in the last 20 years and at least 6 therapists, I think only one really "got" the severity & reality of being married to a mythological being, lol. Anyhoo, I need MORE, I'm still peeling away the layers..

Hi Gottalaugh
As an amateur expert on this subject I agree with you that some psychologists etc make it worse because they are either stupid ignorant or couldn't care less. Friends etc don't get it, family are embarrassed or the cause themselves, it's an extremely lonely place to be in.
Having no tolerance for anyone showing even the slightest amount of narcissist behaviour I'm not interested in forming friendships etc.(not yet ) this seems like a safe environment.
Once we found our way here, It's not about them anymore is it ? It's about helping each other, I don't know how i could help anyone yet, but if listening and understanding is enough, I'm willing.
Ps. Learning about "adrenalin spikes" from the Spartan videos was a very interesting for me. I lived all my life with this/these and finally understand what's going on. Xx
Ps.s IMHO I think adrenalin spikes are what causes premature ageing etc. I think they wear you out.

i have never done anything like this before.  very late entering into the social media world.  still learning how to use facebook. :-) not even sure if I am using this forum right  if not then someone can correct me.

 anyway,  a little something about me.  female, 61, married 38 years, never knew about narcissism until 4 years ago.  spent significant amount of time educating myself about NPD as well as codependency   as I read and listened it was if a grey veil was being lifted from my eyes.  all of a sudden (and it was)  everything clicked.   everything he had said, had done, didn't say, didn't do,  suddenly I understood.   you see I  always knew there was something "off" with my emotional relationship with my husband.  always felt I could never please him.  long story an water under the bridge at this point.

anyway, marriage altering event took place 4 years ago, broke the foundation of my marriage, spent the next year learning about NPD and talking to lawyers to learn about our divorce laws, preparations, expense etc.  Here's the thing.   I know who and what he is.  I know you can not have an emotional relationship with someone who is incapable of having an emotional relationship.   I am still married to him and we live in the same house.  However, for me, the emotional element of our relationship is over.  yes I went through all the grieving, crying etc but now I find myself in a good place regarding him.  I am no longer bitter, angry, hurt, disappointed.  I just feel nothing.   So why do I stay.  well, it's a question of money (ah the root of all evil)  You see, he makes 6 figures a year, pays for everything, the house, insurance, groceries, car repairs all of it.  I work part time as I care take my elderly parents so I earn a pittance.  But, my little income is MINE.  You see, once I knew he was a N, I decided to exert  myself and told him because of what had happened (the marriage altering event) I was going to work part time and the income would be mine. I have to admit I was surprised when he didn't object as in the past having my own money was a no no.   I opened my own checking account and my check is directly deposited.  I spend MY money however I choose.  A bit of time later, I decided to push the envelope again and made plans to go away for a weekend, without him and without talking to him about it.  I just went.  When I returned I said nothing to him and he to me.  yay for me.  So did it again only this time went on a trip for 4 days and again when I returned nothing was said.  Now in the past I wouldn't dare go anywhere without checking with him first and from past experience I would not necessarily been told no, but he would let me know he wasn't pleased with the idea and that would be enough for me to drop it.  So now I feel free to come and go as I please, do what I want, when I want and I do.

Now I do ask myself why don't I just file for divorce.  Well, to be frank, financially I am better off with him.  i like my home and my lifestyl and if I can come and go as I please, spend my money as I please why not just hang in?  There is no drama, no arguments, nothing.  we live in the same house, live separate lives and I get the benefit of his income.  I can say that at this point in my life I am not interested in seeking a relationship with anyone, if anything I would rather live alone and have lots of friends.  Almost what I have now. lol

So this is my dilemma.  To stay and live comfortably or to go and hope that once the divorce dust settles I have enough to live on and retire on when the time comes.  You see, I don't want to be old and poor.

It sounds like you have a great setup and hopefully he feels the same way about it being more beneficial to stay together but wouldn't you, after 38 years of marriage, be entitled to half of everything, the house and a pretty good alimony?  
If he's really NPD, there has to be some kind of drama building up as there always is, unless it's redirected elsewhere.  I'd be careful anyway.
Anway, you're pretty strong to have made it this long.

I'm afraid we are eternal optimists, always thinking 'they'll do the right thing.
It's not going to happen... It's a game to them and we are always shocked when they do unspeakable things. Visualise 20 years from now look back and see it for what it is. We are just "THINGS" to them.!

I have a quick question for Richard, I was hoping he had an insight into to this, my putrid ex had a peculiar relationship with his mother, she was one of the few people he would be violent to me in front of, yet he was violent to her in front of me... He would always go to her for D &M's and they were extremely close emotionally, much more than him and I and this is gross but I always (23) years felt it was too close bordering on a bit wrong. He was the youngest of 7 or 8 and spoilt rotten by her, no relationship with the father. Anyway my gut feeling was that it was a bit off, and was interested if you had ever heard of this before ? Hope you are well and still have energy for us , I really appreciate everything you've done. xx

I'm a mess, nice to meet you.