Hi - My introduction!

Hi - just joined the forum but been following Richard for several months - is this still an active site? I came away from what I now realise was a very toxic and malignant covert narcissistic relationship about 8 years ago. At the time, there wasn't the depth of information, or you tube videos, or anyone like Richard around so I had no clear idea what I had been exposed to. I could only relate to descriptions I would read from other people who came away feeling like an empty shell of the person they had been before the roller-coaster.

I've been on a long journey/recovery for the past 8 years (mainly because I sought help from the wrong places, not fully understanding what I had been exposed to, I came away believing the whole problem was me). I went to 12 step programmes for CODA even though I didn't feel very comfortable there, I read a voracious amount of self help books. I think I was single handed in putting the self help book market at the top of the tree for the number of books I bought :-) I went to the wrong type of counseling. I felt worse. Everything I read suggested I had brought all this on myself, that I had "created" this reality I was in - the Law of Attraction etc. I felt defeated.

I wasn't in a reality. I was in someone else's totally warped idea of reality, and I was gullible and naive and bought into the whole shebang. I had never been around a masterful compulsive liar before. I didn't have the tools to pick up on lies - he was so good at it, and there were so many. It was a couple of years before the inconsistencies began to creep through the perfect little world he created.

I certainly now take full responsibility for my part in it. There were red flags. I didn't pick up on them as greatly significant at the time. I wasn't very good at boundaries, and self protection. I know I am a people pleaser. But as a whole, I had no reason to distrust. But I could have pulled out sooner. I know I stuck around for a lot longer than I should have. I know I tried hard to deny what was staring me in the face. I know I could have picked up on it all sooner with the benefit of hindsight, but I was caught in the trap of being in love and wanting love to conquer all. lol.

It's been a fascinating journey, these last years, as slowly I began to see that I had been involved in an abnormal relationship. This I kind of knew. Before this experience, I had experienced the breakdown of a 9 year marriage, and the heartbreak of divorce, with a child involved. It was awful. But I did not come away from that experience with no sense of who I was, with no sense of "self", and wondering if I would ever find my way back to the person I used to be, or if I was forever going to wander around in this lost state with no connection to anything. I knew it wasn't normal, but I thought it was me. I thought I had had some kind of mental breakdown. The flashbacks were constant, and overpowering, and overwhelming for a long time because I had no idea what I was fighting against.

I don't have an abusive childhood to recall and see how I could have been drawn to this. I don't believe I had a particularly Narcissistic parent on either side. They were good people - maybe not always good parents, but good people. Parenting, I know, is not an easy job. I don't have any childhood traumas to point to and say "yes, there is where it all stems from". So whilst I am a long long way on the road to recovery, there is a lot I still don't understand - about why I allowed this into my world.

I still hurt. I still feel bewildered at times. I still feel hooked. No amount of time, effort and relentless searching on this subject seems to stop that. For some time I got pulled back into "contact" , then pulled out full of self disgust, then got pulled back in, and so on. Back and forth, always wondering "what the hell is wrong with me you know this man is going to run you over with a mack truck". I might as well lie down in the road and just say, come on then, do your worst.

I've managed to see the folly in that behaviour and hopefully have finally put a stop to it, but I still feel the little string that must still be attached tug now and again. How does one human being (and basically an idiot one when push comes to shove)  have so much overwhelming power over another one? Even when you know they are complete monsters?

Then I came across Richard's videos. Can't even remember how I found them. It's been an education for me and a terrific help to finally begin to see how I can heal from it. That I didn't imagine it. That maybe on some parts I was right to think what I thought about him being "sociopathic" and at times malevolent. That it wasn't my fault. I didn't make it happen to me. I have watched and listened to every video I can find. It's been a great source of relief even if I now have to open a few wounds all over again :-). I've just discovered this forum, so hopefully the learning can continue. One of the greatest things I have come away with from my relationship is a deep need to help anyone else who has gone through such a traumatic experience and hope that just the fact I get it, I understand it, will offer some comfort. I have been able to help a few people along the way and I think that helps you to heal too!

Hi Ljaries,

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to read about your experience... a lot of it does sound like the hopeless feeling people get after abusive relationships. On a timeline of knowing someone, lets say a friend, if they behave in a certain way for most of their life, and then totally change (and not only for a few months after) their ways...in a much more submissive, insecure and confused way after a relationship - It is usually quite a good indicator that they have suffered manipulation and emotional abuse for a prolonged time.

I hope that helps you find clarity within yourself and your experience. Do you feel like a submissive, confused, unfocused and insecure version of who you used to be before your relationship? If yes, then it is a sign that something outside of you contributed to the way that you feel.

If you correlate it directly to the timeline of your relationship too (did any other type of trauma happen in the same period? Can it be related to certain use of medication or other stressful lifestyle changes that happened during the same period? Have you felt like this earlier in your life? etc), then these are indicators of that you have been subjected to a toxic person.

It is important to be self-aware and questioning your own behaviour, but remember that it is -not- your fault if someone else is abusive to you. Ever. People can end up in so many complicated and hurtful situations, without any of them being a personality disordered person. They don't even have to have a abusive personality. But what happens in sane relationships is that both parts have the need and want to solve things when problems occur. To see each other happy, loved and thriving. This is true even after a relationship has ended. If it was healthy. When it is not like that, then that is another sign.

You are doing so well with becoming aware and educated in the subject. You are right, these days there is so much more information about this. Of course, one has to be careful with some of the information, as it can be misguiding. If you like self-development books, I can recommend all the books by Pia Mellody (you can find them on Amazon) and of course Pete Walkers book on CPTSD.

Pia Mellody fokuses a lot on building your sense of self up. This is related to your question about power, and how someone can have so much power over someone else.

Personalities from the Cluster B, predatory individuals, will get to know the victim on a very deep level. In one way or another, they will find out. Probing. They will know the insecurities better than the victim themselves. These insecurities are the ones that they hook into. That is where they get their power from. If the potential victim has a strong sense of self, this is less likely to happen.

I have tried to summarize it all in a straight-forward way in this video:



Best wishes,
Leyla Loric