Noob Forum Member,

Hey Everyone,
I can't believe I missed the link to this Forum after the amount of times I've been watching the videos, haha.
I'm a recovering co-dependant, with complex PTSD and have been in 2 Narc relationships, One was the classic who I name K Narc, and more recently but lastly A Narc, this one was a Covert, I had never heard of the Covert type before, only knew of the more Classic Narc who I'd been involved with before, But I stumbled on Richards video on the Covert type and just out of curiosity watched it, You can imagine my reaction when I realised my recent ex started ticking boxes, eventually with Richards help, I joined the dots together.
I've now also seen that my Mother was a Narc, with my Dad being a co-dependant. My oldest Sister also a Narc, but displays different signs of all the cluster B personalities, She was the Golden Child, I have 2 brothers and the oldest one was my Dads golden child, he displays a lot of the Narc personality as well. That left Myself and Youngest brother that were scapegoated,
Luckily we banded together, Protected each other and formed probably the strongest healthiest bond I have. He has recovered quite well but he is much younger than I am and didn't have to Witness the horrific Physical Abuse that my Mother dealt out to my Dad, But we all endured and suffered her.
As I'd imagine with everyone on here, My life was quite complicated and dramatic, No doubt it could be one of the silly Soap Operas that are played in the Daytime.
Thankfully though I've taken bigger, better and just more productive steps towards healing. I've followed the Spartan Courses and read Pete's book, I am feeling more normal than I think
I have ever been. I let the tears flow and acknowledge when I'm afraid, so in contrast I am feeling happier.
Today has been a rough day, It is my birthday and I really thought I'd find maybe a little closure, however I spent most of the day feeling quite depressed, I think this maybe an emotional flashback, as having a day that was meant to be a fun happy day for me wasn't possible when I was little. So I think I know where the feelings and emotions are coming from, so I don't want to ignore it, as sad as it maybe on a birthday I feel like I should just let the process happen and hope that I can move forward stronger and lighter for it.

I was inspired after watching Richards video and reading The Prophets poem of Pain, These thoughts kept coming up and I wrote them down which ended up something like a poem,
Quite funny really because I've never written any before but have always enjoyed reading them.


There's gold at the end of every rainbow,
Rainbows come after Rain.

Rain can be the dark days we face in life,

The Rainbow is the reflection,

So the Gold is the knowledge earn't from enduring the Rain.

If that's not enough to ease a little of the discomfort,
then think how warm and bright things will be when the sun comes out.


What I find really funny is that I wrote that last night before it was my birthday and the sad, depressing, black cloud hung over me.
Anyway it'd bedtime for me and time for a new day.

Welcome to the forum dragonguard. I am sorry to read about your past abusive relationships. It seems as if you are heading on the right direction now, taking steps towards healing. Have you seen Richards last video on healing? It also covers feeling feelings

Find it here:



I also made a video on handling emotional flashbacks that you might find useful:


I wish you the best on your birthday.

Leyla

I did watch these both before, thankyou they were both really helpful. I had written in my journal about my experience of being numb for almost my entire life really. Im confused a little with dissociation and detachment, I know that I would freeze in the most terrifying experiences, I became quite good at it, I literally have almost no  memory of most of my abuse, I trigger to smells and scenarios and I guess whatever my brain was capable of processing as danger, I know that even now if I experience something that scares me like an arguement or something that someone would typically be frightened in, I know that I have to write down what I know happened or tell someone straight away because I won't remember later, I'll remember what I felt and very small amount of dialogue, I will remember tone and body language, but most will go.

One question, what's the likelihood if me remembering the things during a freeze response. It would be the one ultimate thing i think i fear the most. Not just remembering it but the impact it would have on me.