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Hello, Lurkette here.
I've been married to someone who has a number of cluster B traits for over a decade. It's hard to be sure what's going on inside his head but he seems to have a mix of narcissistic and antisocial behaviors.
For most of our marriage he did such a good job of manipulating me that I thought I was the problem. He'd convinced me that I was a horrible, abusive wife and I was taking advantage of him. I'd spent years reading online resources and trying to 'fix' myself, because we couldn't possibly afford therapy.
A few months ago I had my "it's not me it's him" epiphany and decided to work on organizing my life to get out. It was getting harder over time rather than easier, and it wasn't because I was feeling sad or maudlin at the idea of moving on. I knew I was feeling overwhelmed by the idea of just how threatening and dangerous it was to leave. I had ended up as a complete mess while my husband was as happy as he could be (getting his supply). How much worse would it be when I cut him off?
Last night was I was watching a random play list on Youtube and Richard's video on how to take revenge on a narcissist started playing. I'll admit that my first thought was "this guy is going to be an idiot" because everything I'd found online assured me that pushing back against any sort of narcissistic personality would result in a world-destroying catastrophe. I watched the video anyway, because you never know where you'll find some useful information.
After the video played for a bit I realized Richard wasn't really saying to harass narcissists, he was explaining how to put yourself into the mindset of a narcissist to take back your ability to extricate yourself from their influence. Instead of thinking of my husband as (in effect) the living embodiment of pure evil, I can demote him down to what he really is: a guy with a collection of life skills he uses to make other people miserable, because he's miserable.
I also appreciated that Richard was saying that while I was manipulated into this situation, I'm responsible for getting myself out. A lot of online resources put such a strong emphasis on blaming the abuser that when I read them I feel like it dis-empowers the victims.
I'm not saying I feel cocky now. A mad dog is still a mad dog even if you get an explanation of what the rabies are doing to him. I still need to be cautious (speak softly and don't make eye contact). But I can filter out the advise that suggests I should be paralyzed in the corner whimpering as his victim.
So thank you for that.
I've been married to someone who has a number of cluster B traits for over a decade. It's hard to be sure what's going on inside his head but he seems to have a mix of narcissistic and antisocial behaviors.
For most of our marriage he did such a good job of manipulating me that I thought I was the problem. He'd convinced me that I was a horrible, abusive wife and I was taking advantage of him. I'd spent years reading online resources and trying to 'fix' myself, because we couldn't possibly afford therapy.
A few months ago I had my "it's not me it's him" epiphany and decided to work on organizing my life to get out. It was getting harder over time rather than easier, and it wasn't because I was feeling sad or maudlin at the idea of moving on. I knew I was feeling overwhelmed by the idea of just how threatening and dangerous it was to leave. I had ended up as a complete mess while my husband was as happy as he could be (getting his supply). How much worse would it be when I cut him off?
Last night was I was watching a random play list on Youtube and Richard's video on how to take revenge on a narcissist started playing. I'll admit that my first thought was "this guy is going to be an idiot" because everything I'd found online assured me that pushing back against any sort of narcissistic personality would result in a world-destroying catastrophe. I watched the video anyway, because you never know where you'll find some useful information.
After the video played for a bit I realized Richard wasn't really saying to harass narcissists, he was explaining how to put yourself into the mindset of a narcissist to take back your ability to extricate yourself from their influence. Instead of thinking of my husband as (in effect) the living embodiment of pure evil, I can demote him down to what he really is: a guy with a collection of life skills he uses to make other people miserable, because he's miserable.
I also appreciated that Richard was saying that while I was manipulated into this situation, I'm responsible for getting myself out. A lot of online resources put such a strong emphasis on blaming the abuser that when I read them I feel like it dis-empowers the victims.
I'm not saying I feel cocky now. A mad dog is still a mad dog even if you get an explanation of what the rabies are doing to him. I still need to be cautious (speak softly and don't make eye contact). But I can filter out the advise that suggests I should be paralyzed in the corner whimpering as his victim.
So thank you for that.
