welcome to the forum, introduce yourself :)

Hello all. I'm Cariad. Still in a 5 yr relationship with my boyfriend. He ticked all the boxes for npd and borderline, and the relationship became very abusive, psychologically and physically. We should have split up but we are both addicted to eachother. I feel very confused these days.. I dont know if he's getting "better" or if i've given up, or if we've learnt to live with eachother's craziness better. In any case... I realise that things will never be right with me or anyone I develop relationships with, until I sort out my cptsd. Have briefly read pete walker but need encouragement to DO THE WORK. I have very very little willpower. A legacy of very controlling and critical parents. I liken it to the chinese bound foot. You can take off the bindings one day but you'll never walk. My biggest problem is that I feel paralysed to do anything these days, so how do I help myself?? I know youve got to get busy living or get busy dying..!! I would really benefit from coaching (someone 'telling me what to do', basically, until I gain traction). But am too skint! Barely holding down a job with very few hours per month.
Appreciate all the resources SLC offers, and hope this place will help too.

Not normally this maudlin. Usually put on a great show of being a bubbly n happy little thing... tiring! I honestly dont know who I am anymore.

Hi new members! It's nice to see fellow survivors. The most recent narc has left the building...mostly. He still has tons of his belongings here so he has an excuse to come by and see what I'm doing. Separation agreement in progress. Hopefully, it will settle soon. I've about had my fill of this constant tsunami of anxiety.

I play one of the audios as often as I remember to do so. I'm re-reading the Pete Walker book, as the first time thru was so triggering that I need to take it in more slowly. That dissociation is a sneaky bugger.

The face-to-face with emotions is very helpful for me too. Funny how you don't even know you need something for so long until someone finally is kind enough to help you understand. So a whole new journey here...as I'm sure for many of the forum members here.

Hi Everyone,

I do not see a lot of posts for 2016.
I  want to comment on someone suggesting that analyzing our dreams may be helpful in the healing process.
I will share one of my dreams with you.  I was lying on the floor. The Cluster B in my life was standing over me with their foot on my throat.They  said,"I don't know what's wrong with you, why don't you just get up." The dreams demonstrates the feeling I often had while living with someone with this disorder. (reaction?) Crystal clear wouldn't you say?

Cheers

Yes, clear and bright!

Here's one of mine, from the past:
I dreamt he accidentally walked into a swamp and started to sink. Naturally I tried everything in my might to rescue him but to no avail. When it became clear to both of us that there was nothing to be done to stop him from sinking, he said: "Mar, I'm waiting for you!"

I have spent the last couple years getting healthily and out of a bad situation. Long story. I'm dating again and wondering about a guy I am with. I feel as though I always attrack someone who will be abusive? do you have any concrete steps I can take not to do this other than not dating at all? Also do you think age factors into these dynamics and if so, how? I am not dependent on this man at all -we live separately

Hello to all.

I found the Spartan Life Coach youtube channel through a labyrinth of links while reading about covert narcissism.

I am desperately trying to educate myself to learn about the impacts on survivors of CPTSD, and how to be a support and friend to my loved one with CPTSD, while maintaining my own boundaries. I have a people pleasey nature, and a tendency to neglect and not voice my own needs in situations.

I really would like to learn more about how CPTSD manifests itself in intimate relationships at different stages of recovery.

Thank you and thanks Richard for providing this venue of discussion!

Hello,

My realty has been is whack. Thanks Richard for pulling back the black curtain.

Formerly owned by, right-winged-cult-Christians.

Brought to you by, the new an improved authentic self.

Hope I'm typing this in the right spot, hello everyone, my name is Jeanne, I am a new member. I have been in recovery for 10 months. Spartan Life Coach videos on YouTube have been a comfort and a great help. Hoping to learn more about healthy relationships and continue in recovery.

Hi there,

20 years with a covert narc. Discovered everything last year. I saw all the signs over the years, but was so dissociated (and covertly controlled by him) that I ignored it all.
Finally read an article about narcissists and it all came together. Found Ritchie's information and then I started coming together. Like he said in one of his downloads - when you tame your CPTSD, you're life will be unrecognizable.
I am down to having maybe one flashback a day which is amazing, considering there was an extended period of time I was in a continuous flashback.
I will never be able to thank him enough for helping me help myself.
Kate Klein

Hi all!

New here. I've been watching and re-watching and re-re-re-watching Richards videos for about 8 months now.

He did say in the latest google hangout that he wanted to hear from us males to, because he knows we are also watching (he sees the stats with his all seeing eye!) (or maybe Max told him)

So I'm out of the closet. Male. HI!

Hello everyone!
It's a pleasure to be here  As you all know it's not easy to be understood by people who don't know anything about the subject or have not gone through some zombie witch doctor relationship.  I am a people pleaser conditioned by my parents.  To be honest I thought that I have gone through my healing about two years ago what turned out to be completely not true.  I willfully invited a covert cerebral narcissist/borderline trait person into my home who ripped up my wounds to the point I believe I had some kind of a mental breakdown.  I moved out of my own house when the witch doctor  didn't want to move out and everything has been my fault of course.  The break up lasted about six months and about the same amount of time passed since that.  
My journey with studying Narcissism started about 5-6 years ago  where I identified my parents had some of the traits and having felt there was something wrong with me over the years.  
I'm a 33 year old mom of two finally single with a strong intent to stay that way and heal for as long as it takes.  
Thank you Richard for making the videos on the subject which have expanded my understanding of the subject tremendously and lead me to research other ideas, experts and books  you've mentioned  or interviewed.  This is finally starting to make sense!
What I have been dealing with most recently was the internal disbelief that there was something wrong with my ex and it might be me who is crazy indeed.  I wend back going through text messages flashbacks things written with my therapist and kept on watching reading etc.  
What made a big difference was watching "Gaslight" today!  Wow, could I identify with the wife, and so many similar tactics.  The face expression of the husband was a picture perfect copy of no empathy of my ex which of course I was accused of.  Seeing it gave me this in depth understanding that this shit is ***ucking wrong!!! Period!!!  The most cruel way of abuse.  
WATCH "GASLIGHT"!!!!!!
Anyway I'm glad to be here to gain and share insight

Ewa

Hi! I've been through hell (like you), but it gets a little better everyday. In a weird way I am thankful for my experience. It came at a time in my life when I was mature enough to recognize the patterned behavior and question myself for accepting abuse. I watched EVERY video on the SLC channel I'm slowly putting the puzzle together. I wasn't able to do that before because I wasn't given all of the edge and corner pieces

Hey,
I'd just like to say thank you to Richard for taking the time to do what you do. You have made a massive difference to me and I finally have a framework to keep me together and to be aware of unseen damage and where it may be. I have had lots of social support over the years but it is strange to think that some joker on the other side of the planet has improved my healing so rapidly and so effectively without actually being there simply with fantastic knowledge and a direct and clear perspective.

You are a gentleman and a scholar.
Thank you so much, Jake

My mind has woken up in the last month after finding out about NPD.
I'm 5 months separated after a 12 year relationship with a covert N / BPD husband.

I have yet to find the strength to start divorce proceedings. I left saying I needed 6 months of peace. He has been refusing to leave me alone throughout. He still has the power to befuddle my mind in less than 10 mins so I have ended up agreeing to things I'm not happy with (e.g. him coming around to see our son at no notice, only to then get angry when I don't respond to his advances). I've experienced everything in the book and the reality of my life is only now becoming clear as I learn about NPD and the fog is gradually lifting. I'm sure I have been disassociating as only in reading through the 50 Red Flags have I remembered a lot of stuff I had forgotten (or chosen to forget?).

Going no contact is not possible as we have a young son who is already traumatised (he is the one that finally gave me the strength to leave by saying "sometimes daddy is my friend but sometimes I don't like him"). So I have been as 'grey rock' as I am able in the last 3 weeks.

Any advice on the best ways to quickly find inner strength to protect both me and my young son? I fear when he finally gets the message that I'm not responding to all the sweet nothings he is currently texting and leaving on my voice mail to try to persuade me back, that I will have his full rage coming at me.

Where should I start to protect my boy - I have been to the Dr to ask for help and she said if I felt threatened I should go to the Police (at the moment it is just recent verbal abuse with historic physical & sexual abuse to me and physical abuse to my son). But wouldn't this just send him crazy?

The Dr said the NHS didn't offer much counseling and that I have to try to find help elsewhere. It took so much to go to speak to the Dr I'm finding it hard to call anyone else after being brushed off. She said I had to contact the Health Visitor (to discuss my son's situation) and their practice councilor who would probably only be able to point me towards other organisations who may be able to help.

For 5 weeks my son has been saying 'I don't want to see Daddy'. I've discovered after gentle persuasion that this is because Daddy was angry with him during his last solo visit, to the point where he's told my son that he 'mustn't tell Mummy' - my mind is racing with what must have occurred for my son to be so scared... he is starting the mind games with my baby and I'm desperate to find somewhere with a supervisor so he can have his visitation rights to see our son but in safety. I can't put him off with excuses for much longer. Any help or ideas on how to protect him please, he is only 4 years old?

Where do I start to heal my pain ... there are so many courses & books it's hard to work out what to do first?
How can I stop him damaging my boy? What is worse no father or a Narc. father?

I find that after typing this I'm crying for the first time since getting out.

Greetings from Thunder Bay, Ontario Canada, eh

Hi. Well. I have come here to write really long meandering things about stuff that I can't deal with. Hello.

Briefly. Avoiding facebook a little. It triggers me at the moment. Politics plus family.

Just joined Tumblr. Trying to branch away from fb and to keep up with this Spartan group.

I am female, old, European, never married and no kids, having to live with family, histrionic dad, narc mom, and gaslighted to oblivion. Also had a big confusing love thing that took me forever to figure out but that was not a relationship. It was just me being dumb and falling in love on line while being dysfunctional.



Namaste peeps. :-)

Hello Richard and everyone!
First I want to express how grateful I am to have listened to your most candid and wise videos Richard.

I was married for almost 20 years to a person who was a narcissist.  I am left digging out of the darkness.  It has taken me almost 6 years to be able to feel willing to interact with others.  My recovery has been done completely alone,  with the exception of some therapy and meds. (If medication may help it is always worth a try).  I suggest that trying to change to a healthier diet and exercise along with trying to be mindful (meditation is helpful) is a big factor in my recovery.

The man I was married to tore my inner core out and although I understand it now, I cannot believe these kinds of people steal our lives out from under us.  As I see from researching non-stop and reading and listening to other people - although I have been isolated - I am not alone.  

So many of us don't have the support network we need from family, friends or even the community.  I am 60 and will be 61 later this year.  I never had children and was with what Sam Vaknin has coined a "cerebral narcissist."

Amazingly, he described my ex-husband to a T.
And...
Amazingly, Richard describes what happened to me when describing CPtsd in regards to what happens in picking a partner when you had a father who did not give you a sense of worth as a child.

I also was on my own young because I had a family where my parents had these traits and my father was very harsh when I was a child.  As the scapegoat there was so much triangulation with my siblings and my mother and father created that scenario.  For years it never made sense.  I know now I was set up to be a perfect co-dependent who would provide a supply source for narcs. Not only for the ex but also the family.  Years and years of pain and confusion, but I somehow managed to rise above and do well at interacting and functioning socially.  

For me there was always a wound.  People never saw the wound in my heart and because I would smile and act accordingly, I got by until the breakup of my marriage because I was now much older, not to mention overwhelmed and having to rise from the ashes with no one.

Deeply depressed, afraid of people, no trust in anyone, it felt as if I was in a state of shock for the last few years where my brain was on hold.  It is very strange because time goes so fast and here I am at 60 to rebuild a new person and not knowing how or where to start.  

It is only by taking one minute, one day or week at a time.  I encourage everyone not to lose hope if they find themselves isolated and abandoned.  It is the narcissists favorite way of departing.  They do destroy everything in their path and seem to find great delight in that.  The crazy making is surreal in the end with flying monkeys and punishment by proxy.  Terms many of us learn and identify with.

The information Richard provides can save lives.
With warmest regards and respect, I am happy to be here.  

I regularly work with the First Aid book of yours for a year now and see triggers begining well but after 5yrs past divorce and no contact with ex would it be a healthy thing if I want to just forget all the violence that accured on me in my marriage. I am still not accepting to get into any relationship yet for fear of the same mistake but I also don't want the lack of empathy to become too cold. Is forgetting heathy for me emotionally now? Charlotte

I'm hoping to find help quickly. I have been watching the videos, but a few things didn't make sense. I recently think I figured out that those times were when he was going through a Bipolar mania stage as he wouldn't sleep, was extremely hyper, and his thoughts and values would do a flip flop during those times. It's all so hard to figure out. I believe he is a covert narc and I left him after 28 years of marriage. He told me on 3 occasions that I should be afraid of him. That he could kill me. Our kids over heard 2 times. I didn't know what was wrong. I thought it was bipolar but all the staring in mirrors and other symptoms just didn't fit in. I had explored narc behaviors before but dismissed it because as you know it's all my fault and I'm the one who has mental problems . It wasn't till his girlfriend of 3 years posted on Facebook repeatedly that he was a narc that I really started exploring. I have terrible night terrors and I have been over analyzing for 4 years now. He left his girlfriend in Jan of this year (I heard that narcs dont leave but I think he might have been in the bipolar mania phase and he does leave during those times. When not in bipolar phase he has issues with being alone. I could never go anywhere) and first thing he did was call me to apologize and want to meet. I got the weirdest feeling during the apology. I figured it out later. The words were there but there was no emotion. None. I refused to meet him. He tried telling me I was afraid of him and he felt sorry for me. He kept texting. I didnt respond so he finally got mad and said if I wanted to see him I would have to text him. I have not responded. Now he is trying to find the places I am and go there, such as dropping stuff by my work and today he sang at the church I usually go to. (he doesn't even go there anymore). And now I have people telling me that he has changed and what about forgiveness? They have no idea the girlfriend is saying the exact same things I was thinking. I can forgive but I can't live like that anymore. I'm going to go look up that grey rock technique. Thanks for listening.

I wanted to share this podcast. She explains how some of us confuse abuse with love.
http://drdrew.com/2016/220/

Hi everybody,

I probably got narcissisticly abused. I'm in a mental hospital, right now. I don't really know what to do so I'm just searching for contact online.
I'd like to have a therapist or coach whom could help me out a bit. I hope to be able to share my experiences with you guys as well so that you might
be able to learn from it.

Sjors

Hi,

I found Richard’s site maybe 9 months ago. I’m from the United States located in California. I was married to for 23 years before the blinders came off and I realized what something was wrong. We have three kids; boy who is 17, and two girls 14 and 10. I’ve been divorced for almost four years and we have joint 50/50 custody with an non-existent co-parenting arrangement. Up until the time I found this information I was completely confused and searching for answers and closure. The information you provide has been instrumental in my learning to understand and cope with the reality. Your site has changed my life and I am so glad I found you. I’ve even discussed your information with my therapist and fortunately I feel I have a really good one, she’s actually the one that first suggested “Maybe your ex might be a narcissist.” That was an interesting day, I initially thought, “Yeah right, another idea of what is going on” then I started researching and it was like the blinders were lifted. Shortly after that I somehow stumble upon your YouTube videos and courses.

Hi Richard and All,

I am 60 years old, in some ways an achiever - I love my wife and our two grown up daughters very much and have an interesting job.
All my life I have felt rather disturbed, though, always believing I was flawed - either as a half god or a complete loser, and has attempted to unravel the mystery through therapy for the past 30 years.

Now I know, that - unrecognized by me - my sister, mother and father have subtly played me and my wife and our children against each other for all our years together (when our youngest were born, my mother exclaimed that she only felt a family bond to our firstborn!)
A couple of years ago these patterns got so obvious that I began to put an end to seeing first sis, then mom and lastly dad in order to protect my wife, kids, marriage and life.

It has been like waking up! My lifelong depressions are gone, but on my recent birthday I discovered a new frightning pattern within me - after reading "How to STOP an emotional flashback I caught on to the description: "bullying people by being the biggest victim in the room". You See, my wife made a lovely suprise party for me inviting very good friends, and we had a good time. Two days later we had a minor argument angering my wife, wich made me freak out completely: crawling on the floor while wailing like a 6 month old baby for 10 minutes or so.. Thus destroying most of the good memory of being sixty my wife tried to give me.

And this is not the first time. I have been bashing my head into pillars or floors, screamed helplessly in therapy sessions and driven madly on dark roads. The following day my wife simply declared that she needed me never to do that again, as this behaviour simply hollows out her trust in me.
This made me realise that "bullying people by being the biggest victim in the room" may be a "family tradition" that I bring with me into the relations with people I love the most.

Thats sobering! I need all the practise and all the advise I can get in order to hold on to my adult person from here.

Yes, I'm using Peter Walkers very good advices, and of course yours, Richard, plus numerous other books and blogs.

Any comments are welcome, even though I realize the real work is to stop yourself on any warning of "incoming" from the black singularity of the victim within.

Hi everyone

Been watching the Youtube channel for about a year now and just found out about the forum. Really glad there's a community place other than Facebook to interact (because I don't have FB, it was one of the big tools of my exes).

I'm a mom of a 2 year-old boy and married to a US Marine. I really lucked out with my husband; after growing up non-Mormon in Utah as the scapegoat in my family (Narc mom, neglectful dad), and 10 years of two different romantic relationships with Narcs (one overt and the second covert) I somehow attracted a normal person with normal problems. He's also been really understanding and supportive of my condition. I didn't realize I had C-PTSD until after my son was born, as parenthood is a landmine of trigger options. I've been in therapy through the military, which has been really helpful since they deal with PTSD a lot, and after they diagnosed me with PTSD I started researching more and came across both Richard and Dana on Youtube, then things really seemed to fall into place. While I'm still in the steep part of recovery, in the last year I feel like I've gained a lot more stability, and my current focus is to work on my triggers/flashbacks and increase my socialization.

Thanks