welcome to the forum, introduce yourself :)

Hi guys, I'm 25, from Argentina and new in the forum, but have been watching the videos for years. I'm posting this just to introduce myself and get on with posting questions for the google hangouts. Btw, narc mother, enabling bully father, golden child brother and I have cptsd and limited my contact with them, the usual stuff. Have a good one!

Hi there im here to learn as much as I can im 48 and have 2 grown sons I have come to realise I have cptsd as well as 1 of my son they both have issues actualy .
I came from a very dysfunctional family emotional physical and sexual abuse in the home , I have tried to heal from this for years with little progress .
I bought the book by Pete Walker and had many light bulb moments which im grateful for .
Ive decided to try to feel my feelings instead of numbing out .

need to connect with like minded ppl

Hi Everyone

I'm Scarlet. Been watching Richards you tube channel since the start of the year and it's been a HUGE help.

Grew up in a family with very strong Narc/cluster B tendencies. Only reduced contact with them to a minimum in February this year.

Very isolated at the moment as I know very few people, other than my family. Have CPTSD and recently also diagnosed with ME. Not sure how much of the ME is actually CPTSD though.

In therapy on and off for the past 4 years, with a therapist that is aware of NPD, as she came from a similar family herself.

40 next month, no kids and single. Looking forward to sorting my head and body out so that I can have better times from now on!

Hey,

well I've been watching Richard your videos since last summer and lately found some more online therapists that "talk to me" and share all this insightful information. and I have to share some thoughts every now and then. but I came in your forum where your language is more intimate to mine (I was swearing so badly at narcissists, it was so relieving when I was under the process of releasing my extreme amounts of suppressed anger).
I think that when watching therapists online, its like communicating when being in this bitter position of feeling unable to communicate things with others, thus basically with yourself.

I am doing therapy since 1 and 1/2 year now in a very good rehab program that I voluntarily joined, since i was using weed to calm down my emotional flashbacks and ptsd nightmares for years. and realised at some point that I was codependent and that drugging myself was an expression of this.

anyway, I was wondering why this full therapy Im into is not enough, and why do i look online for extra therapy? Im doing weekly both group therapy and individual therapy, and i just started movement therapy. So, my answer to that is that I do love analysing, Ive done that too much in my life, especially on finding excuses to not feel. But I think its also the reassurance I get extra. and probably the NLP together with it. and of course this awful feeling of loneliness. i was surprised to listen to that by Ross Rosenberg in a webinar about codependents. he was saying that when you are codependent you feel so terribly lonely, a therapist is not enough for you.

anyway, I had this insight or question about boundaries so I decided to open a topic, or just ask, in your forum about it, and first had to introduce myself to all of you guys here, so hello!

Quick intro... Saying hello from Lima, Peru... New in the forum. Watching your videos for several years now...
Discovered your channel while watching some Terence Mckenna videos

Spooky here...still unsure my present gf is a narc. Was single about ten years after a full blown psychopath. Met present gf on a virtual world. Wasn't looking. Was in bliss, then the change...the high weirdness, the head games. I struggle becoz it has never been direct put downs...more  neglect after much attention...never ever saying she is sorry, or indicating she can be wrong. Highly secretive...won't be emotionally intimate, and everything is her way all the way. It is like she does get high off my adoration...and then she ignores me. I always feel there is something afoot. She told me to just trust, when my instincts yell, trust is earned. I though perhaps it was becoz she was maybe bipolar (which she only alluded to), but in trying to find answers to what is so wrong, came across a new definition...the narcissist. And gas lighting. These two words...definitions of things...have helped clear things up a little. I guess the only reason I am unsure is it is never a direct put down. Sorry for the ramble. I say we are presently together, but after our last argument where I put forth my needs in regards of mutual respect, affection, and emotional intimacy...the mutual respect we had at the beginning...she basically told me too fook off. In the past when we have gotten in this place, i would back peddle and back down, to stay in the relationship thinking these were just fearful terms for her...that she didn't really mean it. After three and a half years though...I see there will be no change. I don't know if this is really the place I was supposed to share all that...but right now I feel in crisis...becoz I haven't been back to the place (virtual world) where we spend time...going gray rock? in a sense. I feel guilty for abandoning ship, yet I realize she has told me that wanting more intimacy is not going to be a reality. I feel like I am losing my mind though in trying to make a healthy move. Anyway, I really appreciate Richards videos and am hoping to clarify if indeed this is a narc relationship, and move forward. Also, I realize I have tons of baggage from my previous relationship years ago. Thanks for listening.

Richard & Dana have been my earth angels for the past year. July 4th of last year was the day I'd had enough & made the ex remove himself from my home. Recovering has been rollercoastery, with the last few months very difficult, with the hopeless depression. The nealy 2 year romantic relationship left me physically disabled- mostly I believe, because of how I was internalizing things in order to be able to "control" them. I didn't know what was going on with the ex, but I knew the results were me feeling abused. That day or soon after, I found Dana, who metaphorically held my hand & walked me through my experience with her videos & group. As a woman who'd read the coda books when they came out in the 80's, I've know. What my issues are. But that's never been enough. Quite frustrating to know what my issues are & why, but not what to do about them. So, of course, I continued the self abuse. After binging on Richard's videos & podcasts, I now have hope that there are answers. Trying my hardest at everything has kept me alive, but it's beyond time to start thriving.
Thx for creating a place that can help foster that. ✌

Spooky I know where you are coming from.  May be in the same boat.  Had a lot of confusion/trouble with a girl who I suspect to have been a covert narc.  It seemed that she would give me only the minimal amount of information to keep me from leaving the relationship.  I walked my way out on eggshells.  Also made many foolish mistakes.  Hoping to gain some insight into that relationship and also how to heal the emotional wounds of childhood.  Having a tough time finding help/support.  Tried therapy and the sessions seem too short to actually do any healing.  And also christina.s I empathize on your isolation with the codependency issues.  Hope everything goes well for everybody here.

Hello all, I found the Spartan Life Coach channel on Youtube after dealing with some really nasty types at work starting around the summer of 2014. I started looking up work place bullying online and found about about people with NPD. Im sure that at least 1 person I had been working with since 2012 was a narc and I was able to deal with him effectively and get on with my work.

About a year later the company hired 3 new people 1 of which Im now sure was also a NPD piece of slime. The 2 narcs started to team up on me sabotaging my work to try to make me look bad and spreading lies and rumors about me... basically gas lighting me. Nothing was ever said directly to my face or I would have immediately confronted them and possibly gotten into a violent altercation with the one of them.

I literally carried a straight razor in my pocket everyday at work waiting for an excuse to slash this piece of shits throat.... thats how far gone I was. Im not a violent person but I can handle my self physically pretty well and have no problem with direct physical confrontation. I put up with this crap for a year because If i ever actually confronted him I know with my temper I would have flown into a rage and tried to end his life.... this is not my nature unless I am provoked  I am a peace loving person to try to include everyone, these 2 pieces of crap are the types that like to divide and create rifts between people  where there really are none by spreading lies and rumors.

What makes matters worse is that the company I worked for is a Japanese company and their style of handling conflict is very hands off and arrogant I went to management several times about what was going on and nothing was done... their policy is basically figure it yourself. It got to the point that I was afraid that I would lash out and do something I would regret and have to pay for for the rest of my life.

I had trained in the martial arts for many years while growing up in high school and felt I could handle myself pretty well but being physically able to defend yourself sometimes does not prepare you for the interpersonal and social manipulations that these cowards use... they use their fake charm to snare people into being on their side against you so that they can "mobb" you.

Everyday working there I wanted there to be a valid reason to start a physical altercation so that I could end the bullcrap. This coward wanted nothing to do with an actual physical alteration, I would have unleashed holly hell upon him, I wanted my pound of flesh... literally through the use of my straight razor to take a chunk out of his throat... but Im too smart for that and knew id end up in tell for the rest of my life.

I live in America and I am a minority the narc was white... in this country whites get away with killing blacks all the time but If I were to justifiably defend myself and hurt, or cripple or kill him. I would be the one that be punished even if he was the one that attacked me and I acted in self defense. So I did the only thing I could do... I left my job. which has put me in dire straights financially. I found the courage to leave the job after watching Richards video about Non-Servium. I realized that this piece of filth was getting off on watching my pain and suffering that he was causing through his gas lighting techniques and mobbing me. I had to go.

Over the last almost 2 years of watching Richards videos and reading Pete walkers books and reading Sam Vakinin book I am now able to identify Narcs and stay away from them a Grey Rock the Shit out of them. Ive had several temp jobs since then and Ive been able to hone in like a Lazer on who the narcs are and its helped tremendously.

My emotional flash backs are reducing and I am able to recognize when an emotional flashback is about to rear its ugly head and chop it off before it becomes a threat. I am very optimistic about my future and being able to gain traction in my life to start doing what Ive always wanted to do with my life.

I also realize that the way I was manipulated by certain family members growing up is one of the root causes of my CPTSD and also growing up in a violent neighborhood where violence and intimidation where a common occurrence.

Thank you for all the work you are doing Richard you are really changing and saving lives. Please keep up the good work!!!!!!

Hello Richard,
First, thank you for making the effort to do the videos, keeping them on point and entertaining. Some of them are like dark comedy. Very vueable!! =)

I'm new to your work. I chanced upon the RGSLC channel, as I was looking for information on Narc mother- daughter relationships. I have only recently been able to identify what has been going on with me all these years. The emotional flash backs had been in town once the trigger, also recently identified, was set off. A carnival of horror.

I see the patterns in her and myself. I am by no means obsolved of participating in the dance.  So lots of fireworks and landmines going off on my end. I will be fine as I recognize the triggers and want to stop the usual responding. Just breathing.

BTW I would love to hear more about the MSW you are pursuing. I have a MSW and am a trained Psychotherapist myself. I was as taken aback to not have recognized the disfunctional behavior in my family earlier. Good thing I'm not practicing. Phew!

Best,
GS

Hello,
I'm new to the forum, but not to Richard's videos.
I have CPTSD because... I come from a family with a narcissistic father, not sure about my mum, but she was certainly very enabling and emotionally unstable.  
As an adult I had string of relationships with toxic people of various flavours and ended up marrying a slightly worse version of my father. My husband had a cruel streak.

I've also experienced some sexual abuse and physical violence, but not from family members... no support for any of it.

I'm alone now, an emotional mess and trying to recover, not sure if that's even possible with everything I've been through. I don't trust anyone, there are hungry tigers around every corner.

I mainly joined to ask a question, but after watching a few more videos, I sort of got an answer.

In hopes you're still taking these ... Your videos settled much about wholly perplexing circumstances that "all of the sudden" tragically went wrong, so now I coin myself as a narcissistic abuse survivor' of a 20-year marriage; and, most sadly, of a life rearing a child who is a sociopathic covert narcissist. Family enjoyed a lifetime of scapegoating, myself steeped in the charity of faith and repeatedly laying myself wide open for it. All of this rolled out within the last couple of years, with such an immediate impact that I had to question my sanity. Journaling daily to work through the issues, I was pleasantly surprised when your videos gave definitions & reason to every subjective conclusion I'd reached on my own. I needed that.

Now I'm living the aftermath of what a ridiculous codependent I was; and trying to learn how to transition from a once large 'loving family' into living totally alone. Totally. Alone. With no one to share or comprehend or affirm or ground any of these harsh new realities ('me'), that is a less than a satisfying end. It's like the "intolerable" angst just hangs out there unsettled and I don't know what to do with it. I keep beating myself up for being so naïve as to not see the glaring cruelty of these people in all the years before, when recognizing it then might've had a more productive closure. I'm stuck. I can't find my way out of all of this pain.

I am a 44 year old mother of 3. A survivor of Crohns disease and a horrible upbringing. Now studying Bachelor of IT and determined to get some control over emotional flashbacks and other beasties that cast unbidden shadows over my naturally happy self. Recently diagnosed with CPTSD with Borderline traits but think it may be silent borderline. Am very interested in DBT and learning how it works and what is involved. My psychologist only does EMDR which fascinates me as I fail to see how getting a sore arm from waving a pen around is going to subdue demons on the rampage.

I am a bit shy when initiating contact so if I sound like someone that you would like to chat with please feel free to message me.

Lynda

Hi. I'm glad to have access to all this great information you share. I skated through the first 40 years of life not even knowing how damaged I was - it was my normal. A recent nasty encounter with my narc brother brought on some very serious CPTSD and emotional flashbacks. Thankfully I had already sorted through all the bullshit on the internet and found this source of information, so I was at least a little prepared. I immediately recognized his gaslighting and projection and thought that was all I needed. Nope. There is a lot of work for me to do. I'm hoping I can become more proficient at reducing the duration! Thanks Richard for challenging the status quo and especially for making this available. I think you are helping a lot of people - the one's who are really ready to work hard. I am!

Richard will answer questions from this forum today, Wednesday, July 20th at 2PM at Google hangouts. Go to Richard Grannon SpartanLifeCoach on Google.

Thank you, Richard, for all the help through red-pill education you have provided. You helped save my life. The truth of my life that has been laden with abuse has been hell to handle. I've stayed off social media for years, hiding from an ex boyfriend stalker. I am relieved to be here amongst people whose voices echo my own. Seeing the strength in all of you helps me see the strength in me too, for doing the work of trauma recovery. Being socially isolated and feeling unloved is torture. I feel less alone right now. Cheers and hi.

Hello All,

Firstly Richard I wanted to send a sincere "thank you" for your YouTube channel and for your generosity in sharing your research and insights with those of us who are struggling to make sense of our interpersonal histories and relationship choices.  Your approachable style makes all of the research surrounding cluster b disorders and codependency so much more digestible/palatable.  Thank you for all of your work.

I plan to pose a couple of questions here on the forum in the future.   So what follows is simply an intro.

Having been raised in a totalitarian apocalyptic sect ("hooray" for me!) my boundaries were eroded from infancy by both my parents and my community.   When I left my religious community at the age of 17 I was formally shunned by family and community.   Both my upbringing itself and my formalized exile in my mid-teens were - and continue to be -  sources of major trauma for me.

In my late teens I was 'taken in' emotionally by what we sometimes term a "family-of-choice".  My 'best friend' and her mother.  Twenty years later I have finally come to realize that my 'best friend' is an overt narcissist and her mother (and my adoptive mother-figure) is 100% co-dependent.  

Last year I made the decision to distance myself from my overt narcissist 'best friend' which has resulted in the loss/breakdown of my second 'family'.  This has been very painful for me.

Almost simultaneously I entered into a romantic relationship with a "textbook" covert narcissist.  As in:  full blown clinical-level personality disorder.  No doubt.

I spent a year and a half neglecting my own emotional needs completely while trying to care for and nurture this man - even going so far as to gift him Terrence Real books for pete's sake!  I fully subscribe to Real's understanding of attachment theory and heterosexual gender dynamics, but let me tell you - reading and discussing Real's "I Don't Want To Talk About It" with a clinical-level covert narcissist was a real exercise in futility.  

Despite my turbulent upbringing and the recent fallout, I have done extremely well for myself, all things considered.  I have a graduate degree, work at a university and am a documentary filmmaker.  I am very intuitive and unafraid of other people's sadness/negative emotions.  Each of my films are portraits regarding an individual's inner-world and their  response to one form of trauma or another. I am kind and generous despite having my heart stomped on repeatedly, and I know that I am not the only human being alive who is capable of demonstrating that kind of resilience.  

But I am not unscathed, it seems.

Years ago in my graduate thesis I linked cult-ish upbringings and religious shunning to trauma postulating that people like myself suffer a form of PTSD.  I remember my thesis supervisor scoffing that being raised in an apocalyptic sect couldn't possibly compare to the experiences of combat veterans. Turns out - I was on to something.  

What did he know about it anyway?

Any hoodle.  It has been sobering to step back and recognize my own co-dependent behaviours just now in my late 30's.   Sobering indeed to evaluate the causal relationship between my upbringing in a cult and many of my subsequent friendships and romantic partners.  

I've begun reading both Pete Walker's "Complex CPTSD..." and Pia Mellody's "Facing Codependence".

When I am in the mood to learn but I also want a bit of a chuckle at the same time, I queue one of your videos.  They really help.

Thanks again.

Cheers.

Hi all,

I was raised by an NPD mother and a severely negligent, occasionally abusive father. So naturally I entered a string of abusive relationships, both in terms of friends and romantically, as I grew. I began therapy at the age of 15, for severe panic attacks, and had to take a year off high school (independent study) due to anxiety. My life feels like a series of 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I did go on to get advanced degrees (Masters in Music), but find it difficult to translate that knowledge into a career.

I've explored many options for healing from my experiences, meditation, Tai Chi, Yoga, Therapy, hiking, massage, journaling...and all have played a part in that pursuit. But it is a long term pursuit isn't it? I've only recently began to even consider myself to be valuable, and that is met with a LOT of mental resistance. But I think that's an important step.

I feel like this website has quite valuable information for many of us struggling from a similar thing, glad to be a part of the forums.

Hi all,

I'm much the same as many others that I have read... Found your video presentations Richard to be the best out of so many I have viewed. Impressive and no holds barred, you say it as it is... and that is how I like it. My situation is Long term toxic family problems.

Love to hear from anyone else who suffers Scapegoat bullying.

I understand this forum is members only... so my security should be fairly safe...

I have identified my elder sister as my Mother's Golden child and I identify some of the worst traits of a manipulative narcissist. I would not care should it just be bullying but I fear it is more sinister...

I feel shit at the moment... sorry.

Dave

I could have written what you did. I am also the scapegoat, still being bullied and with 3 brothers and the golden elder sister. There will never be a satisfactory level of value to have further contact with the people in my family who are assholes. Plain and simple. Step Monster has outlived my poor dad who, while an alcoholic and suffering from CPTSD himself, did his best to take care of his 5 children and his insanely demanding and cruel wife. Her main interests were tennis and shopping. He would come home and drink- he was so lonely after my mother and his first wife shot herself, leaving him with 3 children, 5,4, and 15 mos (me). She sought him out after seeing his photo in the paper and she played her cards just right. It was 1964, so you know what i mean.

I am new to the forum and so grateful to have found this.  I truly only started learning about all of this a month ago.

I'm a 53-year-old divorced woman.  Suffice it to say that the NPD in my life was my guardian from age 5 forwards.  This was after the brutal death of my biological mother.  Four other siblings in the situation.  And, yes, I was the one who was scapegoated.  

Somehow I realized over 10 years ago that I needed to disconnect from my family of origin.  Looonnng before I knew about any of this stuff.  Oh, by the way, although I am the youngest in the family of origin, I am the first one to realize what is going on.  After I disconnected from them, I divorced my husband. Two or three members of my family tried repeatedly to contact me through mail, phone and gifts delivered. I had them returned. It took
a good three years of that and a threat of legal action if they didn't stop it for them to finally quit. Mind you, my 16 year old daughter was caught
in the middle and still communicates with all of them.

Disconnecting was a good thing and a bad thing because it allowed me to push all the problems onto a shelve and leave it there.  
My son got married this past spring and I went into a 3-day emotional flashback after the NPD gaslit me at the rehearsal dinner.  My entire family of origin was there at the wedding.  At the reception, my entire family took up half the room while I was on the opposite side trying to enjoy myself with a close friend.  
What has been amazing to me is all of the revelations that have come forth since I began this process over a month ago.  So many things make sense now and I feel naive.  But that was also the intent of the NPD.  
I'm giving myself time to read through Pete Walker's books, working through Richard's First Aid Kit and listening to the videos on a regular basis.  But I do need to focus more on bringing forth those emotions to feel them and getting to know myself.

Thank you for reading.

Hello, I am the adult child of a narcissistic mother. I was fortunate enough to find a really good therapist about 5 years ago who helped me understand what happened to me and what it did to me. She helped me to heal and grow into a healthy and happy person.

Then my mother became ill. She was in hospice for over a year, which was very stressful for me, and finally passed away this summer. Around the time of her death I started a relationship with a man whom I now believe is a covert narcissist. When I realized what was happening I went back to my wonderful therapist and we are working on getting out of that relationship and back on track for a healthy happy life.

I have also been watching your videos on youtube and found them so very helpful; however, I did not see anything about what happens when your narcissistic parent dies. I am learning from my therapist that grieving a narcissistic parent's death is messier and more complex than regular grief. The result for me was that I regressed to old habits and fell into an intimate relationship with a covert narcissist.

I joined the forum to suggest that you use your amazing talent to create a video that addresses this issue. Perhaps you can help others avoid the pain I inflicted on myself.

Hi Ritchie,

LOVE your YouTube Videos... am still watching one (Simon and Sally show compassion) and you've mentioned (again, for the 1000th time) in an answer that we should figure out how we feel so we've got a handle on that (for healing as well as being able to control our moods when Narcs - or anyone - triggers a feeling). You told this person to Journal, to write down 5x a day how they're feeling and to use Google to once again find that pesky list of "feelings adjectives".

Well... it's finally dawned on me how you might be able to yet again stretch yourself thin and add another thing to do in your life... but this one you might be able to monetize (yes, I'm such a US Capitalist - voting for Hillary, thank you very much; The Donald is the reason I started finding out about NPD and I'm learning a shit-ton... thanks to you and Sam Vaknin... an errant 'nother here and there, too)... anyway... mildly digressing.

Naturally, yeah... you can provide it to me for FREE once you create it since I gave you the idea. Also... DAMMIT... there is no way to write it to you privately so if one of the folks in the forum steals it I think I'd be mad (and you should be mad, too). So... BASICALLY, DELETE THIS NOTE as soon as you get it and don't mention it until you're good and ready. I'm just cocky enough to say it, so yes, I'm gonna say it: You're Welcome!

Guess what? Well... as I'm getting on in the years I've started having Hot Flashes (yeah, crazy weird is all I'm gonna say)... and one morning I woke up and had a brilliant thought... there's just GOT TO BE an App that will help me track this crap. Soooo... lo and behold... there is. It's called MyPause (yeah, a play on Menopause).

Soooooo... You know how you want us to figure out how we're feeling and you want us to do it 5x a day and to journal? Well... on FB, we've already got those cute little Emoticons, right? We can post what's going on and we can also tell people the basics. Well... for the grand price of $5.99 USD I bought this MyPause App. When I have a flash I open it and describe it: can say it's mild, medium or in-frikkin'-tense. I can say whether I ate well, took my vitamins, drank enough water, exercised, the whole shebang. I can send you screenshots if you'd like. This tool may be a quick way for folks to "Tell Ritchie how you feel right frikkin' now!!!" (that's the name of the App... Tell Ritchie How You Frikkin' Feel"... or not). ;D

Anyway... this App has a way to link to my doctor so it could link to you (or their doctor). It's a pretty good App. Just an idea for you that's easier (yeah, right... I truly have no idea) than writing a book.





Thanks for your work. It's really important.

Hello,

I found you via Sam Vaknin who I found while looking into lack of empathy. The reason I was looking into empathy or the lack thereof is that I recently began couples counselling to help with my communication skills. Well, long story short, it was discovered that I do not engage in empathy as a normal part of my daily interactions. In fact, I didn't really know how to engage in empathy at all. I do perceive and register others' emotional changes and responses, but I just don't internalize them except as data for future use.
Needless to say, this discovery has me feeling very unsettled. However, it is a relief in some sense, that being the ability to finally put a name to my disconnect in communicating with others. Most of the posts I have read here are from people either recovering from abuse by narcissists or dealing with them in some way.
I would like to know more about this condition and what steps I can take to learn to live with this.

Thank you,

JH

Just a quick hello to you all. Joan from East-Central Europe here
Richie, thank you for all your hard work and for "opening the cage door", letting us all escape this paranoia. It's a hard journey, you know it best. I'm sure we can all make it some day!


greetings from the homeland of pierogi