Ask Questions Here Please

*Jerry Springer type shit warning*
Before my ex bf swooped in, I was being primed by a friend I was becoming very close with. No, they didn't know each other, but looking back, I know they recognized the narc-personalitydisorderedevilbullshittery in each other. They wrestled each other for the supply I offered, but bc I'm a straight woman, her love bombing, although very good (she appealed to my creativity & I have many badass photos of her), lost to his wiles.
Some other day I can get into the pain he ripped open in me, but for today, here's what I need help with:
The unman I fell in love with is in his early 40's, I'm in my mid 40's. He has 3 sons. Including his exwife, all of that family is majorly fucked up & abusive, including the 6 year old EXCEPT the oldest. He's the only "sane" one. He's probably 19 now. A couple weeks before his 18th bday (legal sex age in the states) I found out he was seduced by my 30 year old """"friend"""" & since she lost me, she started up with him, who was a much better mark for her.
See where this is going yet? I have been no contact with her & the son for 2 + years, & almost 1 year w my ex (his dad).
So, my connection to the sane son is bc he's brilliant & bc *here's the coda/caring part if someone had reached out to me (none of my self-sought therapists were competent enough) when I was younger I def wouldn't have abused myself so severely with so many people & things for so long. So yes, I'm trying to save the younger me by saving him, which doesn't work (CODA 101), but also, I care about him. I messaged him for the first time recently, intending only to express myself & encourage him. I didn't expect a response but ended up in a convo with him. He was very close to suicide a couple weeks ago, is still with her & believes they are "the one" for each other. (I'd bet my life my ex-his dad, fucked his gf- my former bff, but whatever). He told me many thing incl. that he hears voices, but medication doesn't help. He's a wonderful young man that deserves to feel self love. I hate his parents like I hate what mine did to me. <- I'm clear on that shit.
In the attempt to keep this post as short as possible- do ya'll think there is anything I can do to help him besides being a good mom example & here if he decides he needs to talk? Should I keep my trap shut until I have a better grasp on the borderline two myself?
Thanks
*By "sane" in his case, I mean not he's not personality disordered (no I'm not a dr. but I believe I am able to tell the difference btw people trying to be their best & those that are parasites. His emotions are scrambled like all narc victims.

*that he's not pd'ed.
He's a lot of things, but mostly confused & being manipulated. All of which makes sense considering the physical & emotional abuse he's somehow endured.


UPDATE
I spoke to this young man a couple weeks ago. He told me that he can't interact with me out of respect for his romantic relationship with my former friend. I told him that I respected that, I just wanted him to know that I'm here for him & that I believe in him. He continued talking to me about his future plans &, agreed with me when I told him that she is the same type of beast as his father. I could tell that because of his high intelligence, he thinks that he can over come all of his issues by thinking his way out. I suggested some books & told him to reach out if he ever wanted to & bid him farewell. I feel better knowing that I didn't try to force him to see things the way I do, or obsess about "saving" him. So, yay.

Hello Richard,

I'm watching you live right now. Very spartan room you're filming in today, the mustache/beard/general scruff look is working well for you as well. Your computer may have narcolepsy, and your hair isn't big and curly enough to be crazy-town yet.

My question involves sorting out the programming set by a narcissist, and what are real and valuable codes to live by. I was raised by my mother. The prime directive that was repeatedly hammered into my brain was "Defend Your Family From All the Things". My brother, who is a year and a half younger than I am, had health problems. My job was to keep him alive, and if people insulted him about his skin condition, it was my job to "protect" him from these people. My job was also to protect my mother from pain and harm. This lead to some very unsavory conclusion in my child's brain, including chasing a kid down the road with a brick because he laughed at my brother. Eventually, it morphed into some weird dynamic in which my father became an enemy despite overwhelming evidence that my mother wasn't really a sane human being. This lead to my pre-teen brain to break a little. Fast forward a few years, I joined the navy, sent most of my checks home to my mother and brother, and continued with my role as protector. My brother moved away, and my mother lost her home. My husband and I took her in a year ago, even though I was aware that she was a very broken woman.

Now we are to the present. I recognize that my mother may be a narcissist. Since watching your videos for the past few months and reading your many book recommendations, I've noticed that my immediate response to manipulation is to headbutt everything. Not good considering I have two small children. So I decided to kick her out and go no contact with my mother or anyone around her. Once I did that, I received all manner of contact from her family and even some of my own friends all hitting on my soft spot. Heck, even my maiden name (Thayer) comes with the motto "Bear and Forebear".

This leaves me with the question: My programming screams "PROTECT THE FAMILY" and my logic/smart brain says "Yes, protect the children, to hell with monster-mom, who cares if she's homeless?". But if the basic programming is flawed, how can I trust myself to set an appropriate level between the two extremes and still be able to live with myself down the road?

Side Questions: Now that I know my programming is flawed, I want to tear down everything I believe and the morals shoved into my child brain by a sad monster, and build up my tower of self from scratch. How do I do this? Show me the bulldozer. I don't need anyone to build me back up for me, I just need to know how to do it, and I'll become a tower building machine until the job is complete. Just throw me a manual and the keys to the construction site and machinery and I'll figure it out myself.

Thank you for everything that you do, you've been a great help. I'll let you know how the tower looks/works once it's near completion. Hint: sound system and heated floors in the bathroom.

Richard,
I love your videos. I feel I have had a huge breakthrough in understanding my spouse.

1st question: he is a classic covert cerebral narc. He fits your description to a T. What confuses me is that I don't understand how I have been providing narcissistic supply. You said narcs feed off our response to them. Yet, throughout the entire relationship, he has been incredibly resistant to my response to his abuse (withholding intimacy, creating insecurity, abandoning/returning, blaming everything on me, etc.) He tells me he can't handle my emotions and will literally run away if I try to pursue dialogue, show that he is hurting me, etc. He seems almost afraid that he will have an empathetic response to my pain and thereby relinquish control. I don't understand how I've been meeting his supply needs.
2nd question--the abuse drove me to have an affair. I told him about it 2 yrs ago, and he allowed me to return and "forgave" me. Then he began a pattern of moving out of the house, then changing his mind and coming right back. 6 months ago he found me in contact with the other man, and left me again, this time breaking all ties to me and instituting No Contact. However, he refuses to answer my questions as to whether he plans divorce. I have told him I repent of the affair with the other man and will do anything to prove it's over, even submitting to 3rd party accountability for my daily actions. Yes, I do want him back. He hasn't told anyone he plans divorce, to my knowledge, but there is an element of flying monkeys, as he has contacted my parents recently to tell them he thinks I'm still with the other man. The other man reached out to him about a month ago to say that I clearly only care about saving the marriage, and the other man won't interfere.
Can I expect my husband to come back? Is there anything I can do to bring that about? I want him back because I think he is not pure narc, just has tendencies, and that there is hope.

I, too, find your videos the most helpful information I've received regardless of counseling. Wasn't sure where to post this, sorry for the Q&A repost but I hoped you'd reply:

After fairly rapid progress surviving a covert narcissist in marriage now I feel stalled. All of the sudden I'm getting these seemingly innocent & fleeting childhood recollections about family. Some are pleasant and I have no idea why such fleeting events of so long ago are suddenly appearing. Others, unpleasant, and I'm tired of remembering those kinds of pain about my parents/siblings. I get it: my childhood was painfully emotionally abusive. I get it: my narcissistic marriage was miserable because that felt like 'home.' I get it: my family hates me because I'm an easy target. (I lost relationships with a husband, an only daughter and numerous extended family, all in the course of a couple of years.) I'm finally where I don't totally blame myself (there was a lifetime of scapegoating and narcissism transpiring). I just want to feel normally happy again. Was I ever normally happy? I feel like I'm never going to get there.

After divorce & loss of family I isolated myself. I am miserably lonely, leading me to a sense of total uselessness, but that feels better than risking other people. I can't fathom having anyone in my life again (friend or companion). I got a dog, lol. That helps. I keep thinking if I could replace old memories with new ones, by making new relationships, new memories would replace the bad ones. Is that reasonable? Am I shooting myself in the foot by remaining so isolated? The thought of getting out among people is so distasteful I don't even know if I could force myself to do it?

Dear Recuperating. You are me. To a tee. Except I got a cat x

Lostsoul ... LOL, thank you for the smile. I'm sorry anyone has to go through such tremendous pain & loss, but there is comfort in knowing we're not alone. (I hope I'm replying correctly, I'm not familiar yet with this forum.)

I was wondering if you will be releasing the Liverpool seminar like a course you did for the London Seminar -or- if it will contain new ideas that weren't covered in you previous courses. Your previous ideas on mental health and CPTSD have been gold, so I am coming back to the coke machine with my dollar.

Thanks

I have such a painful relationship to my family.. I had timeouts with all of them, in periods. And my role is the black sheep. So anytime I get mad , no one takes me seriously nor do they truly aknowledge what they did. And no one gives a shit if I take time out and cry in my corner. They continue their lifes, continue to have a social life, and treat eachother like adults with integrity. And I am almost 30 years old and feel so disrespected cuz of this.

My mother took me to a resturant tonight with her husband. And since I've been alone the entire midsummer, It felt great. But also it hurt so badly to feel like mr bean or something.. They also talked about my sister who had been in contact with them about meeting up this weekend , and I GOT FURIOUS inside... because I have tried to make plans with her several times and she is to fucking busy to even answer when I call, and she says, "Im eating atm, ill call you later tonight" and then she dont call, and then several weeks later she calls. No apologies at all, just short and almost like she has no emotions.. then just cut the conversation cuz something came up, ill call you later. and she dont call back.

I feel so hurt and I dont know what the hell to do with my pain man. Even though I wont do it, I fantisise about being dead. I have no social life man, I have no job, and I feel left to rotten. And my siblings, and relatives all treat me so "nice" if we bump into eachother, but no one is really my friend. I hate them so much for the way they treat me. And it hurts that it doesnt work to try to solve and improve the relationship. They are just convinced I am a sensitive adhd rageoholic with no life, that projects my issues on everyone. It seems that way somehow, maybe not true rage anymore,. but anyways it seems like I am the problem. But its not true.

I feel so scapegoated and want to cut all contact, but I love my mother and I feel so guilty and sad.

What shall I do? Thanks

Hi Richard, I had a hard time articulating this question on the hangout "What's in Room 101?" so am re-asking it here, hopefully this time I'll do a better job.

I am hoping to find a counselor but am worried about finding one that will actually be helpful to me because I have a very hard time with people who have authority over me, even if it's just the perception of authority. I don't mean that I want to fight them, quite the opposite. I don't want them to even look at me. That's a bit extreme but it's pretty close to the truth. I am so anxious not to be... judged? questioned? something... that I will say whatever seems they most likely want to hear or agree with them even if they are way off track.  I know that's silly, my intellectual self tells me that doing that is BS but my emotional self wins every time and I just smile and say "yes, you're right, I'm fine with that, thank you".

Years ago I worked as a nanny for a policeman's family. He had some basic training in recognizing certain psychological states and he asked me once if I'd been abused as a child, which of course I denied because I hadn't been physically abused and it was still a few decades before I woke up to the reality of what my upbringing had been. But he would ask me questions about my childhood which I was physically unable to answer. My throat would close up and if I kept trying to answer all I could do was cry. Things have gotten somewhat better since then, I can talk about my past without breaking down but I still cannot ask for help and then not gratefully accept whatever is offered to me even if it is far off the mark and not helpful at all. And then I won't/can't ask that person again because it feels to me like I am challenging them. It's not that I don't think they can't face a challenge, but that I don't have the right to make such a challenge or question their authority in that way. I can't make that challenge.

So the question is, what can I do to find a counselor?  I don't know how I can ask the questions I need to to find the right one, and how to not accept unhelpful answers from the wrong ones. Is there a strategy you can recommend that might help?

I'm not sure I've done a better job here trying to make my point. I think maybe this problem is tied in with some of my worst issues that need working out. Even just typing all this has been hard for me. Maybe I need to work through some more stuff before I am ready for counseling? I am making my way through the Pete Walker book which is very helpful, thank you for the recommendation and also thanks for all your videos. You have already helped me a great deal.

"So the question is, what can I do to find a counselor? I don't know how I can ask the questions I need to to find the right one, and how to not accept unhelpful answers from the wrong ones. Is there a strategy you can recommend that might help? "

Actually I dont think these are the right questions.

Let me give you some different ones to play with, it will help if you write them down:

Stated as specifically and concisely as possible how would I define my problem here?

How do I know that the facts I believe to be true that hold this defined problem in place are true?

Having reality checked them for truthiness, the ones I am left with, what can I do to begin to change them myself, today, here and now?

Do I want to change? If yes, am I trying to overcontrol the specific way in which that change and healing unfolds?

If Im avoiding something what am I avoiding? (if its a painful emotion, remember to write it down using adjectives only that describe emotion in a way that is a nuanced as possible)

what is the worst that could happen if I submit to the counselling process? (write down the catastrophic thinking fantasy of awfulness as a scene that could be put into a film)

In what way am I thinking about this in a way that is rigid? Is there a chance I could be be open to the possibility of thinking about this in a way that is more flexible that might be of benefit to me?

Can I really ever see myself in a situation where I submit with vulnerability and honesty to the coaching/counselling process? (Dont be disheartened if the answer is a resounding "NO!", it can be worked around to a "maybe")

Whats great about going to a good counsellor/coach and healing these issues? How would my life look in 5 years if I do? How will it look if I dont?

It takes bravery, humility and a willingness to be vulnerable to even consider counselling. Have I acknowledged this in myself yet? If no, how can I acknowledge it now?

Thats probably enough for now. These questions, wrestled with over time, should start giving you a foothold in getting ready for the possibility of counselling.

Until then, it sounds like, for the reasons you gave, you just do not feel ready for it. Dont force it. Ask these questions and journal your answers 3 or 4 times with a few days gap in between. You will see your answers fluctuate with your moods and that sometimes they make you feel hopeful, sometimes sad and angry, with yourself and with me for asking them, and then cheerful and upbeat again.

All of this is normal. Give yourself time and space to go through this process. After about 14 days, if you are consistently kind to yourself and keep chipping away, you should feel very differently about the subject.

Then you can start looking at the possibility of challenging authority in a way that is positive and feels good, without going into an emotional flashback because of breaking a taboo that was probably brainwashed into you (as it is into us all) by the authority figures in your life.

The affirmation will be "it is safe and ok for me to politely question authority" etc.

Do the first bit first and then we'll see ... be playful, flexible and self compassionate - good luck!

Hi Richard,

Firstly, thank you for all your work so far with this project. Your information and video uploads have been invaluable in my understanding and ongoing recovery from narcissistic abuse. I'm sure everyone else on here feels exactly the same.

I wanted to ask a question regarding the prevalence of passive aggression within NPD. My ex fits the traits of a covert/cerebral type narcissist absolutely perfectly. I have had previous experience with an overt/somatic type but this time around was far worse.

One of the main differences between these two experiences (although both similarly unpleasant) was the overwhelming level of passive aggression from the covert/cerebral type. I noticed this very early on - silent treatment, not answering texts or calls even when clearly available, asking a question then not listening to the answer, being late for everything, making arrangements then spectacularly changing them at the very last minute without any consideration for how weird/impolite that change was, endlessly and innaporpriately playing games on her phone during social settings together, becoming suddenly tired and pretending to fall asleep when difficult subjects were raised etc etc.

I turned a blind eye to many of these moments early on thinking the girl in question was just a little detached, but the intensity of these situations increased to the point where the passive aggression was almost constant, or at least every day.

In the final few months, asides the ongoing additional covert NPD behaviour she had displayed from the beginning, she began to chip away at anything i would say, and began speaking in an oppositional converstational style with respect to almost any conversation. It was utterly exhausting to deal with.

My question is - the passive aggression was far less noticeable with my previous overt/somatic NPD. Is there any evidence or reason to suggest that a covert/cerebral type would be more like this in a relationship ? I know Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder previously appeared back in the DSM 2 or similar but was removed and is now seen as a 'component' of NPD.

Thank you.

Thank you Richard. You are very generous and kind.

Richard, Two narcissists were in my life, one an ex-husband married for 20-years; the second my daughter, unrelated to him, herself an adult. During marriage those two bitterly professed vile disdain for one another on a regular basis. Imagine my surprise when, upon divorce, they joined forces against me. So my question is this: Do narcissists recognize one another for what they are? How do two narcissists successfully interact? (Perhaps a common self-interest is all it takes?) After exhaustive research, I've concluded the ex-husband is a psychopathic narcissist and the daughter a sociopathic one, if that matters. Having removed myself from both of them since, I'm so curious how that might've played out. It's funny when I really think about it. Please offer some information about the nature of interactions between two narcissists.

Hi Richard,
My objective is to help heal relationship with adult child. She trauma bonded with Cluster B father but know wants me to visit her after a 7 years of very limited interaction. Now that I have more understanding (thanks to you and Sam) how do I approach the underlying effects on us without sounding like I am insulting her father? She has blocked memories, distortion in the reality of her childhood. Thanks!

How to tell the difference between intuition and an emotional flashback? I understand emotional flashbacks are triggered by one sense or more which were embedded within the memories of an traumatic event and the brain goes into survival. Gavin de Becker's you-tube video "the gift of fear" wonderfully explains intuition and how we tend to ignore our intuition many times leading us into a traumatic event. Using one of Becker's scenarios, when the elevator doors open another person is in the elevator...how can one tell the difference between: my intuition is saying don't get into the elevator, and I'am having an emotional flashback?

So, recently I have noticed a change in myself since my abusive incident occurred. I read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and started becoming more present and thinking less about the girl who abused me. But I'm not sure if it is a good or bad thing as I seem to be feeling less legitimate anger and sadness. Lately I actually feel simply calm most of the time. I read an article online today that used a lot of words that normally would have triggered me to write a massive essay about how certain ideologies pushed in academia and the news are led mostly by cluster B women who are passive aggressively attacking men. But when I read over the article that used all of the terms that typically trigger me, it didn't invoke much of a response. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing. Is this a sign that I am not in my feelings and need to get more in touch with myself? Or is this a good thing? Meaning I am healing from the abuse? I don't know exactly what to think. I haven't been triggered as much lately. I seem to be picking up new activities and enjoying life more. But my main worry is that I am losing touch with myself, which would be a sign that I could be abused again in the future. Any idea what is happening here?

Hello Richard- I have been contemplating asking this question for quite some time now. First, thank you for making your videos available. They have been most helpful in validating the decision to maintain a no contact policy with my family. My father died last year on the 4th of July. My mother died 5 years before that & things got so bad that I finally let go & did not see or talk to anyone until my fathers funeral. I had become so much happier & emotionally stable during the absence that I forgot how damaging it was. An entire year has passed & im finally seeing a little light again. During this past year I have been experiencing many strange emotions.
My question is this: is it possible to have been sexually abused & have no memory of it? There's more I could say but let's start here.

Thank You again, Richard, for the opportunity to ask you questions.

Do those of us raised by a psychopath parent have a harder/longer/more specific road to recovery? What are the things we have to do differently from others who are recovering from abuse?

My friends who were repeatedly sexually assaulted in childhood and a few more times as adults, by their respective biological brother, seem to be doing better than me.  I was repeatedly sexually assaulted by my (biological) dad since I was a newborn.  It didn't stop til I stopped the relationship-- at 30.  "Luckily" I have HIGH dissociation, just short of multiple personality. So much of the conscious memories are remote in some way.
My friends are from the Child SexAbuse recovery program. We all met in our 30s. We were the only ones of the group assaulted by biological, nuclear family members.

Now they have devoted husbands, and they have 1-2 kids. They have struggles, but I am still without a family of my own.  I've been persisting to have that life but cannot seem to. I was actually the first one to get pregnant, and guessed they would quickly follow suit, and they did.
I was so freaked out by the pregnancy that I ran (fled) non-stop for about 2hrs, then drank a triple espresso....

I understand your dad is a psychopath too. My father has no criminal record yet. He just hasn't been caught yet. I was interviewed by police and clinicians in 3 different cities --all concluded like an exhale of aloud wonder that my dad is a psychopath. I look all the time in public records for his name to appear, and am in wonder he still hasn't at least been arrested.

I was my dad's "favorite" child. Your dad stories sound somewhat similar. My dad enjoyed psychology, pushed the bk How To Win Friends and Influence People, and would regularly take me w him to "show what you could do to people/how stupid/foolish people are" as he psychologically assaulted people. ...I saw many grown ups left as a shell by him.

What might I be missing in getting better in the direction of an intimate relationship w a good partner? ...I will be 45 at the end of September.

I've repeatedly done 3 of your courses since February 2016. I have a 4th I've procrastinated on. I do co-counseling since 2005, and just started to lead a class for a second time, since 2011. I've done lots of body work, traditional talk therapy, and yoga. In fact I rehab people who have CPTSD, utilizing what has helped me. I use to be much worse off in every aspect of being human.

I don't understand how Cluster Bs can be such a mess and get loyal, devoted (all trauma bonded?) people, and I cannot figure out how to have an intimate partner of substance.

At the moment im quite a desperate as I have just left my therapist and im in an emotional flashback. I recognise this feeling as such.
I wondered if this would be useful on a hangout. Though it might be ramble.
This is my inner critics voice at the moment.
"it was all your fault. Your husband was right. Youv lost your home, your family, and him, as your disorder drove him to it. You have sat alone for over a year because no one likes you or cares and really you should never have been born let alone be here now. You are vile".
Im trying to make that voice my cheerleader. Unfortunately it's Richard Grannon with the outfit and the pom poms. I just need to think of a cheerleader song for him to sing.
This meltdown came on the back of my session today. I told my therapist his approach is helpful but there's something missing. My husbands part in all this.
I quote, from therapist. "You have low self worth but a high level of grandiosity for making that statement. It's highly narcissistic. If you want me to say your husband is borderline and go through your experiences it is never going to happen. He's nasty and it doesn't matter what he did. I do not care about him."
I know I fought a good case in trying to explain how I feel today. I know I'm codependent to a degree but this was made far worse by my first common denominator who I met at age 43. My husband. There are situations where I'm not codependent at all. In work or certain situations when I'm sorting out the children for example. I know addiction plays a part. But there's more to the whole picture than that. My husband was also a part of this dynamic. My therapist agrees he was abusive.
I am trying to think critically right now. Who makes me feel awful and invalidated? And who helps me get my socks on in the morning? Albeit on YouTube.
I must leave my therapist but being codependent I'm scared to. Firstly in case I am wrong. Secondly, he's all iv got. There is no Richard Grannon anywhere in the UK I can get to.
My therapist said I either admit I'm an addict or I'll never get better. I said "I'm not going to until I fully understand what that actually means". He said, "stop overthinking it. Why do you need to analyse this? It's simple, you just have to admit it. You let your husband do this to you because you're an addict".
Why, when a woman turns up beaten and at the end, exhausted, when she's left her abuser, and is in awful pain for over a year without him, but would not go back, do therapists not want to take on board an alternative view of how to heal someone? This therapist picks at my choice of words when I'm trying to be clear, continually says I'm in denial, will not let me express how my mind has been warped. And yet I like him as a person. There we go, codependent.
I came out today confused. Again. I felt that red flag as it were. My reality is denied there.
My question is, as I'm struggling to find some true faith in my reality again, as I don't always remember what that is. What is the reality here? How can I trust what I feel is reality? For all I know I may be turning away from real reality and the therapist is right. What if he's right and im in denial that it's all my fault? That would be my room 101. Knowing it was me who caused my own pain over the years and it was me who destroyed my husband and our marriage.
Critically thinking, if I was the destroyer of those I love, would I be in pieces even considering it was me that harmed us? Would I be seeking help? My husband just walked away without a care.
Maybe iv answered my own questions. But as I say I'm completely in bits right now and very confused. And unable to even get a proverbial sock from the drawer.
A question straight from the mouth of a flashback. In fact it looks like several questions. I apologise. The thing is though, even when calm, the questions will still be there x

I could have been more concise.
Am I a screaming addict who's in the worst denial ever and is kicking against that? Or was I messed up by my abusive, gaslighting, aggressive husband and did what I had to survive? And am still doing in order to survive this pain and confusion which is still here even tho he's gone. Thanks everyone and Richard x

Hello Richard.

My 90 year old dad was born in Yorkshire in 1926 to a single mother (product of a rape scenario). She was a stern, bitter personality who exhibited little to no maternal bond toward my dad.
She herself was one of 12 children, an only one of her sisters knew about him. He was conditioned to believe he was the ‘dirty little secret’. Dad was brought up in numerous households while his mum continued to work in domestic service roles. She visited infrequently and was emotionally absent, but would punish him readily. His entire childhood and youth was spent during the depression and WWII.

All of these things combined are reflected in his adult behaviour to not draw attention to himself, stay under the radar, and conduct life in a dutiful manner. Whilst he is a gentle, compliant individual, it is clear from his history that CPTSD is present, but concealed behind a force field of self-protection (freeze & flight?). He is a highly intelligent, routine-driven, and orderly personality who relies on the external locus of control as his guide, and despite dementia these traits remain strong. If he were a young man now, I believe he'd be identified as an Aspie.

I am youngest of 3 sisters, and I identify Asperger traits in myself, in that I’m thorough, comfortable with routine, repetition and autonomy (I’m an introvert with good social skills). Growing up, I was always a square peg in a round hole, was bullied frequently at school, and have taken many years to become more assertive and socially ‘normal’. Still a flight/fawn responder though.

My own CPTSD mainly stems from childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my older brothers-in-law. On one occasion when I was about 11, my parents and I were visiting my older sister and brother-in-law. My brother-in-law had been grooming me for sexual abuse from when I was 8. Dad walked in on an episode of abuse and did nothing to stop or confront it, but left the room and said nothing about it to anyone.  I was expecting that he’d at least say something to Mum, and I thought that I’d be in trouble (turns out I wouldn’t have been if I was brave enough to disclose at the time). Dad's inaction left me believing the no one could or would help me. I felt I couldn't be responsible for the impact that disclosure would have had on my sister's marriage. The abuse continued until I was 15 and I escaped into a relationship with an unsuitable boyfriend.
I harbour no animosity toward dad over this episode, mainly because I understand that as his own damaged self, he was unable to confront, and ‘rescue’ me from the abuse.

It was nearly 20 years later that I began to deal with the abuse through excellent counselling. This in turn was the beginning of the end of my first marriage to a man I now suspect is CPTSD/Asperger resembling OCPD himself, and the marriage only maintained my already ingrained negative self-beliefs. He has traits in common with both my dad and my abuser. By exhibiting emotionally controlling behaviours to maintain what was his sense of order, my own self became increasingly numbed to a point where I ‘wasn’t there’. He is an extreme B&W thinker, dogmatic and inflexible, and I felt I was going slowly mad over our 14 year marriage. I now recognise the victim/CPTSD traits in myself during that time. In turn, the oldest of our 2 daughters has signs of CPTSD. I am introducing her to your YouTube channel and books as I write. She has a history of relationships with NPD/BPD/CPTSD (damaged and damaging) types and is making progress dealing with these issues now she is single again.

My own observation sees parallels in the behaviours describing CPTSD freeze/flight types, and those we could describe as nerdy, aspie, even OCD, in that they keep their heads down, have singular or limited interests, and other safety zones. They live their lives 'carefully', trying not to rock the boat.

Can CPTSD and Asperger’s and their traits be mistaken for one another, or co-exist, and therefore be subject to different professional interpretation? 

Love to hear your thoughts.

PS - RIP Dad 9 Nov 2016.

Richard, I have CPTSD because I grew up with a borderline mother and father with Asbergers. I have recently recovered from a narcissistically abusive relationship. I used to live in the US but felt the employment system was fascist. So I moved back to Sweden where there are still workers rights.

However, the healthcare system in Sweden is behaving like a VERY Malignant Narcissistic person. So I live in, and am dependent upon a system where I meet narcissistic abuse on a weekly basis - because I also have physical illness.

What might be my healthier option?: looking into moving to another country, or simply minimizing contact with the healthcare system as much as possible and managing the resulting triggers and re-traumatization?

Also, when trapped in a narcissistically abusive system I cannot escape easily, is it more likely going to improve mental health to fight the system, perhaps via media, or political work, or to get rage out through exercise or meditation etc? I appear to be a fight, flight type. There are potentially serious risks and consequences to fighting back though…

I have been to five different Drs offices here, and they all are equally abusive and therefore both triggering and retraumatizing. The healthcare system and the vast majority of the people who work in it use lies, double binds, triangulation, and gasslighting.  The few sane people minimize what's going on. The patient is ALWAYS wrong, blamed and punished with random, unfounded diagnosis and refusal of medical care. It's very dark....If the healthcare system was my boyfriend I would dump him immediately, but it's the healthcare system. I am very dependant upon getting medical help.

There are individual Drs that are sane and rational but they never stay at the same Drs office.

Any thoughts on the least damaging option within a narc abusive system? When I contact regulatory agencies they deny and project, so there is basically lawlessness now. Right now, I am basically going INSANE due to this abusive system and am considering moving back to the US........



Btw THANK you for your channels! You have literally Saved my life and also my sanity!!!! You are an ANGEL!!! I too am certain that you are here to fight the demons of the apocalypse!!!!               

Hello Richard,
It happens to me from time to time that I get into an emotional flashback which takes form of intense toxic shame. Then when it goes away I can reexperience the flashback by going back into the memory of the event that triggered it. Should I go there, feel it and cry it out, or should I use the thought stopping technique that Pete Walker talks about and not go there? Which of these two approaches is healthier?

Hi Richard!  

Firstly a big thank you for sharing your experiences and knowledge with all of us.  I have recently ended a relationship with someone who I believe to be a covert narcissist and the entire experience is exactly how you describe - I feel completely isolated, confused, crazy, and absolutely no one gets it!  

It has only been a couple of weeks so I'm tuning into your videos daily mainly in an attempt to understand what the hell has just happened!  I have never been in a relationship like this before so your support has been so amazing in helping me move through this.  

My question relates to children - my ex had 3 children, all under the age of 6.  I wondered if a covert narcissist will react the same and show the same behaviours towards their children as I experienced in the relationship, or is it possible that covert narcissists are only abusive in intimate relationships?  

Thanks so much again for all of your help