Ask Questions Here Please

During a present problem, i'll get triggered and an emotional flashback will occur and all the intense thoughts and feelings come forward, ie. catastrophizing. How does one keep catastrophizing thoughts from being "overlaid" onto the present situation - they seem to fit since there is an aspect of threat/uncertainty in the present situation. Its hard to know which thoughts and feelings to dismiss and which to keep.

Decided not to ask anyway.

delete

Please help me. I am a year out from a brutal discard by my covert narc husband of 18 years. I have 2 daughters, 12 & 9 yrs old who are suffering as well. I have been trying my best to watch your videos and educate myself, increase my understanding - but my focus is practically non-existent. We've been left in the worst pickle you could possibly imagine and things (esp. myself) are spiraling out of control. I'm in the middle of a debacle of a disaster recovery from a hurricane, I'm in a state grant program to rebuild my house, in contract with a private builder, have no money coming in, and got completely hosed by an attorney. My husband sent me a 'separation agreement and property settlement' from another state by way of which I was advised to file for divorce (kind of against my will...) My attorney filed, told me to close our accounts, plowed through the rest of my $5000 retainer, and promptly quit - without filing a motion for support or anything else. My mortgage is now 90 days in arrears.
I have had to move twice this school year - by myself - and I'm barely hanging on by a thread.
I recently spent 2 months in a partial hospital (outpatient) women's trauma program based on DBT. It was a complete disaster. It triggered me into a complete tailspin and beyond erratic and out-of-character behavior. I've gotten monumentally worse, to put it mildly. They just cut me loose with no guidance whatsoever. I'm livid, beside myself, and lost.
I simply don't know what to do/where to go with any of this. My church (Catholic) has been less than helpful, has offered no advice, support, or guidance and the kids and I are all suffering a crisis of faith to boot.
I had a good life. I was a stay-at-home wife and mother - and a good one! - with a well-paid husband I adored. I had no idea of his nefarious activities until things started to fall apart and my eyes were opened to reality and the veil of denial lifted (still occurring on some levels.)
Please - if you could point me in the right direction. Your ideas, philosophies, temperament, overall attitude and demeanor toward all of this resonate with me on some level but I feel so out of control and ill-equipped to grab hold of anything. Things I've tried have been disastrous to say the least. Therapy has been useless except for a little moral support or accountability at best.
I really hope you can point me in the right direction - even to just point to other forums, vids, etc. on your sites in a more structured way as I can't seem to parse through the dirth of information. I know you are taking a break from coaching but I'm not opposed to paying for a consultation. My children are suffering and it's all too much for me. Thank you SO much for what you do. You truly are a blessing. You may be one of the only people on the planet who could help me. I need to grab my life (and self) back!

Hi Richard!

I'm brand new here, and first off I would like to thank you so much for the excellent work you're doing. The youtube videos are making a profound difference in my life (already!) and I am truly grateful to you for putting up so much great content.

I am a budding NLP practitioner & life coach myself, which is how I found your channel. Your video on Bandler vs. Eckhart Tolle was quite interesting and got me hooked. I really enjoy your presentation style and what you have to say.

Anyways, Through exploring your work over the last week, I've come to recognize almost instantly what I suspected-- that my Father is clearly a Narcissist, and it's quite likely that my Mother is a covert or has covert tendencies. So, as I'm sifting through all this and sorting out what kind of processes I can design that may help helpful interventions for myself, I find a few reoccurring questions pop up in me.

Pardon my long-winded questions!

1. Do you think it's possible that Personality Disorders exist in/as 'parts' of the person's identity? Could a person have a 'part' of themselves that carries the disorder and at the same time, have other parts of their personality that do not? If so, could this explain how a Narc may unpredictably switch moods and lash out? And more to the point, do you think that changework could be done on the part to get it to shift or align with the rest of the person's more benevolent values? This question has been bugging me for the last year or so, I haven't been able to find an NLP practitioner who is familiar enough with this territory to ask.


2. Are Narcissists codependent by definition as well? And conversely, could codependents carry an aspect of themselves that is covertly narcissistic in them? I realize that the standard Textbook Psychology answer here is that there is a clear distinction between the two, but the more I learn about both, the more they seem to have quite a few structural traits in common, though that might just be me confirmation bias-ing I personally suspect that they're 2 sides of the same spectrum, perhaps with rigid extremes. What are your thoughts on this? Quite honestly, I resonate with descriptions of both Codependence, and Covert narcissism, and I'm concerned that I may be both, and that if there is a covert aspect to my personality, that it's 'incurable'. It certainly explains some long standing patterns in my life that I would like to move beyond but haven't been able to. But I would like to think that I can change, and that I may be able to help others with Narcissistic traits change as well.

3. As an NLP practitioner, I have some concern about the greater mental health community and some of the less-than-conscious approaches to describing psychology. Of which I wonder: Do you think it's possible that the issues that people are having as codependents & self diagnosed narcs could be being installed in people simply by their description??? As a hypnotherapist, you are of course aware of hypnotic suggestion. I really wonder: Where is the line drawn between installation and description when it comes to these phenomena? I don't mean to be difficult by asking this. I'm just genuinely curious as you are both a psychologist and a hypnotherapy/NLP practitioner, and clearly well versed in coaching these issues. I hope this doesn't come off as some form of 'gas lighting'. In my opinion, this question goes beyond psychology. I often wonder the same thing about Personal Development and 'problems' in life that become worse as people become more 'aware' of them. Are people resonating with something they are become more attuned to, or are the allowing problems to be installed and then backwards rationalizing that they've always had the problem?


4. Have you had any success, or heard of any other therapist having success in helping a True Narcissist with a narcissistic shell resolve their issues via hypnosis or NLP? Do you think it's possible, assuming that the narcissist was voluntarily choosing therapy?


5. Do you have an opinion about Narcissism & Codependence in terms of Evolutionary Psychology? Could attachment trauma be a byproduct of the modern family structure and trying to live in small family units, in contrast to the group living that was standard for human beings for thousands and thousands of years?


Sorry if that's a lot there. I'd love to know your thoughts, any or all of them. Again, thanks for the work you're up to, and all the sharing you're doing. I massively appreciate it!

Hello...
I was wondering if anyone had advice on how hard is it to trust your therapist.
It's been a year now since I started therapy with her and just now I'm starting to fear and doubt her...
I life with a narcissistic family. Had a narcissistic relationship about 5 years ago and still not over the affect. I've gone through a hole new perspective of life. I'm still very much isolated and afraid in my cage... And still dependent economically on my parents...
When I started therapy I wanted to heal and work on being independent again, find a job and move out... And it's been 1 year now and still haven't even found a job...
Yes, she has helped me to see a lot of things I ignored about my family. But does not push me on the getting out part. She says it good that I'm still there so I can deal with my codependency straight where it started and not rum away from it... I've had really good days but still go back to the same old patterns.
She works with BioEnergetics (don't know if anyone has heard about that) So that's her approach on healing I guess and not so much coaching... It's a really intense therapy. I'm at a point I have to really let go and trust her and I fear constantly that I'm being manipulated...
She has only 4 years of practice being a therapist. But before that many years of psychotherapy as a patient. And in several occasions has had dismissive comments about psychotherapy, saying it did not do much for her...
I don't now if it's my fear in letting go again with out boundaries or it's really my intuition on not trusting her intentions or her expertise...
Would really appreciate an opinion
Thank you

** I see you answer questions in your videos... If you happened to read this and want to answer it, please don't... My therapist follows your youtube channel. haha

Questions:

1. What is the difference between bipolar and borderline? Is borderline just bipolar mood-swings plus abusive behaviour and fear of abandonment, or is there a more fundamental difference?

2. Could you talk about the link between personality disorders and Left-wing politics? I’ve seen people discuss the connection between Wall Street and psychopaths... but look at the Left-wing, especially on Twitter, which seems to be composed almost exclusively of cult leaders and professional victims, malignant narcissists and borderlines. Type “Social Justice Warrior” into YouTube for examples.

3. This might be a provoking question, because so many people turn to comedy when they are recovering from an abusive relationship. When I see a stand-up comedian (even the very best ones) target a member of their audience, rip into them, provoke emotional reactions in them, re-frame any response that they may have, and turn the entire audience’s laughter against them, I find it difficult to distinguish between that and scapegoating, mobbing and narcissistic devaluation. You’ve discussed on your channel before (re. Robin Williams) the link between mental health problems and stand-up comedy, but could you talk specifically about the link (if it exists) between stand-up comedy and “dramatic, reaction-seeking” Cluster B disorders?

Many thanks!

HI Richard,

I know you said people with NPD can also be borderline, but what distinguishes a male narcissist from a male borderline?

Thanks - you're awesome

Please can someone help. My therapist is dealing with the codependence side only. He doesn't acknowledge CPTSD or any of the abuse I went thru. Richard is the one I relate to most. The one who had got my head on a straighter path. And there are others I relate to as well. My therapist insists on me going to 12 step. I loathe it. It doesn't resonate with me at all. The language feels victim blaming. I come out feeling like a criminal and in pieces so badly I can't "put my socks on" again. Can someone. Anyone. Please tell me is this eventually going to help me get better from the confusion and remaining fog about my partner I'm fighting over a year on. My instinct is screaming it's not for me but could it be helpful, it's just I can't see it yet, or I'm in some sort of denial I need to overcome. My therapist insists I keep going but it's making me sick. Please please. I can't face it again.
I am trying to critically think my way thru it. But it would help to hear others views. Just some explanation as to how it might help me. Cos at the mo I'm back in my bedroom isolating and trying to hold on to my breakfast. Please. Anyone. Iv improved so much since finding spartan life coach. I get it. It fits. My therapist is lovely. I'd like to be able to present my argument to him. Yes. I have codependent traits. But what about the rest. What I did naturally as a means to protect myself in an abusive relationship. I had to. To survive. I have two days to formulate a reasonable argument to my therapist to please stop insisting I go to 12 step. It absolutely terrifies me the approach it employs. It's like walking into mega woo woo land. It sets me back. Logically I should be able to say non serviam it's not for me. But without knowing how it's meant to work I can't do anything other than hide in tears feeling really confused. Thanks everyone x

I don't think Richard is a fan of 12 step, and he is amazing, so I totally get why you're finding so much help in his videos - they are very validating.
With 12 step, my experience has been that some are good, some are not...they say try six meetings to see...and if you are going to coda, there are others...I will only speak to my experience and say I found SLAA meetings good b/c I was a love addict; I found them freeing to hear what I'd done on my side...or ACOA (adult children of alcoholics or dysfunctional families) that I think fully allowed me to see the messed up thinking in my family of origin...I suspect the reason your counselor recommends it is because the meetings help people connect with others, tell your story, find validation in your experiences through hearing others, and get it out by sharing. It's not for everyone, and I can only say they helped me, in conjunction with counseling and Richard's videos; it's been two years since my last difficult relationship, and I can say now I feel free and mostly healed...the thing about meetings for me is I "take what I like and leve the rest" (you'll hear that as a slogan if you return...). Not everyone's story resonates with me, but it is a chance to get the stories out and not isolate yourself and there is a lot of unconditional acceptance in those rooms. As for the Higher Power, they say it can be anything; some make it the group, some nature, some God...but I think the reason it's important is to acknowledge that we don't have all the answers ourselves, and if you're listening to Richard, you've acknowledged that already...they say our best thinking gets us in the rooms, and I've found there is a lot of wisdom there...but some groups don't feel healthy, and some are awesome. I go sometimes but not as often as I did in the beginning...and like I said, it's not for everyone. There is also an inspiration line (phone) you can call in the US where people just share stuff to lift you up from their own experience...and there are meetings online.
I know you want an argument against 12 step and all I can say is it's not for everyone...you can go to the recommended six sessions and give it a fair go, or you can toss it...I do believe there's more than one way to skin a cat...but it's been really helpful for me to meet others in various points of recovery, and with a variety of spiritual approaches in it...some great mentors, and some full on nuts people but they're there to recover so I keep that in mind...it's a respectful space where no one will tell you you're wrong, even if you want to say you don't like it there or don't think it's for you...
Alternatively, there are workbooks Richard talks about, lots of great websites, and this community. I'm only reaching out because you sound like you're really struggling and I've been there, and I do want to tell you there's hope...getting your story out with trustworthy people will help you grieve it - wherever that is - and writing / journalling...and once the grieving starts, for me, it helped re-awaken my actual gut instincts that help for survival. Gavin DeBecker's "The Gift of Fear" was also super helpful in distinguishing between the gift of fear for survival and the anxiety thrown on us/inbred into us from society/dysfunctional homes.
All the best to you. Wherever you find support for healing, I wish you the best. Check out online forums...and if you need an answer for your therapist and really never want to go back to twelve step, just tell them you appreciate the option but it's not for you right now, or maybe never...and try to find the things that it offers elsewhere - community, a place to share, support, all that...you can offer your therapist alternatives...look some up...it's not for everyone, I can say it's been amazingly freeing for me, but we are not the same person and I fully respect that there may be something else for you.
Peace and best wishes.

Hi Richard,

Love your work! I've learned more from you in a few short weeks than in a number of years of trying to 'work it out'. I have been long-aware aware of narcissism and its obvious traits, but couldn't ever get a handle on the covert variety, but my eyes are wide open now which brings me to my questions below.

Most of your presentations address the narcissism/CPTSD dynamic in the context of the parent/child, or intimate relationship.
Can you address the subject of narcissistic/borderline/histrionic personality types in adult children and the impact of their abuse toward, or estrangement from, their parents/step-parents?

Two out of three of my husband’s adult children, now in their early 30s, who along with their thrice-married mother collectively exhibit so many Cluster B traits, it’s scary. The son is overt - alpha male, risk-taker, predatory, entitled, alcoholic, and a bully with criminal inclinations and associates; the daughter is more covert - manipulative, image and agenda driven, social media addict and ‘the victim’ with sole claim to the moral high ground (just like mum).

Each were in their late 20s when they estranged themselves from their dad and me (a blessing in disguise despite the pain) after we called time on being their N suppliers. We understand our own fragile boundaries contributed to the problem, and it was with great difficulty that we confronted the issues and risked rejection, which when it came was swift and merciless (off with our heads!).
If we incidentally cross paths with the daughter, her hostility gives off heat.

In the four-plus years since their estrangements, we have come to terms with much of what has happened, although it remains to be seen if either decide they ‘need’ us back in their lives, to once again try to drain the well of our time, money and energy, or to gratify an outward-image requirement.
The daughter has 3 children aged 9-16, and the golden child/black sheep/scapegoat dynamic is clearly playing out. The son has a new baby with an apparently co-dependent partner.

Can you suggest strategies to help parents cope with these types of scenarios, and what to do if and when they want to re-renter the lives of their parents?

Thank you so much for replying. I'm in a dreadful state. I went to coda on therapists advice. Twice. Both times came home uncomfortable and angry. So he sent me to slaa. Same effect. Iv already acknowledged how I was at fault. I was for not seeing there was another way to survive. Ie walk out on the man. But my head was so messed i was too terrified to leave. For myself. I didnt know up from down with him. But to date no one but here has validated the things he did to me. I have no life history of this. I got to the age of 44 living in and out of relationships in a reasonable way. It's this one man who has reduced me to this mess. I was labelled anorexic last night. I'm not. I took the conscious and emotional decision by myself that I didn't want to be with anyone til I felt ready to trust it again.
It was lovely to see others there happy. They were lovely people but I loathed it. The format. The language. In a way it saddened me. I just felt blamed when I am so sorry but I am not the only one at fault. With my partner if an explosion came out of the blue with no logical reason my first instinct was to be assertive and to put my view. Within minutes my only option was to cower and agree with everything as the first option didn't work. At least til I could get away. And talk him down from a distance. To me my whole life rested on that relationship. Financially, emotionally, socially, with the children, my home, my business. It was like trying to keep the house of cards from falling. It fell. And now I'm a shell. But I hurt no one. I was not malicious. I have dis ease but I am not diseased in the way it was put last night. There is only this one group that I can find or get to so there's now not another to try.
I understand the higher power thing but I am not Christian and I people pleased and entered into a prayer I was not happy entering into.
I went cos I don't instantly dismiss any offer of help. I can't afford to right now but I'd really love to say to my therapist... You help me on the codependence side but please validate the rest. Let me tell my story of things that happened. I don't believe it's purely down to codependence. What about the trauma I went thru unbeknownst to me. What about how my mind was conditioned to believe my man's ways had to be followed, even when they changed overnight. I loved him. I wanted to make him happy, be a support and partner. He said the same of me but his actions didn't match his words. And I just thought it was his way.
I wasn't looking for someone to support my view of 12 step. I really wanted an informed opinion from someone who knows more than I do so your reply was great. I want a balanced opinion in case this might help if I give it time and they have a formula I just can't see yet. But at the moment I'm terrified to go back as it sent me for the thru time back to my bedroom avoiding even coming down to see my children. And I dont want to feel like this. I need to at least put my socks on. I just have this feeling what the hell did I do finally leaving my partner. I need him. I need it all to be OK. That is emotion. Not logic. But I'm holding this together by the edge of my teeth. Another day like this then this house of cards falls down. It's a house I merely function in but it's all we've got.
Thank you again for replying. It's a view and it's better than I had this morning. I so appreciate you helping. I had no outside view in either direction til you took the time to respond xx

Hello Richard!

Listening to Podcast version of Blind maze https://soundcloud.com/richardgrannon

On sorting out map of reality; morals etc you mention CPTSD tend to be rigid on some things. You have had to revalue stuff and let go of ideas that had been dragging you down and suggest having a good rethink and make adjustments to be able to heal. OK.

Firstly I get terribly curious what yours were but I'm not gonna ask that, it feels maybe intrusive. Edit: AHA! you mean the KITTENS?

But I wonder if you might tell us if there are any misconceptions that seem more common than others, when dealing w CPTSD - help us a bit look in the right direction?

Also, trying to look at my own ideas and values, I notice that they are pretty abstract, being constructed very early in life, idealizing what a "good world" should be like and even through the years not really have been consciously tested and evaluated. At least not enough.

Maybe you mean that victims may be so un-boundried, chaosed in the head and manipulated that there is not enough resource to build a healthy moral map etc? In my case that was my only way to try and stay sane - still as I say it's very "up there". And honestly, it's giving me more guilt and defeat than success and help sofar.

Question: Please explain more on working with this! Ups that's not even a question. And where in your videos did you speak of it before? I can't find it.

Many many many thanks, I know there are others out there but the way you do it is the best for me

/LC

Lostsoul, I can only talk for me, and I'm not a therapist; what you went through sounds similar to what I went through, and one counselor I talked to clearly didn't get narcissistic abuse and wanted me to meet with my ex and try to talk things through - I was terrified of him. That counselor basically tried to help me see things from my ex's point of view, and it was even more mind-screwing b/c that's how I got in the mess.
Don't abandon yourself or your gut instinct in this. You need to honor you, so if that means, no 12 step, it's likely not what you need right now.
I didn't like my first slaa meeting, but I did like my first alanon meeting, and that's the one I still go to, but I did find tools in all of them...for sure, do not feel obliged to pray things you are not comfortable with - step away, or even leave; if you go to something for yourself, honor your inner voice and don't do stuff you don't want to do - it's not worth it in the long run. You need to be your own best friend right now, and that means finding people who validate your story and don't manipulate or bully you in any way.
You can find community elsewhere too - you may have to look for it; like I said, your counselor probably knows 12 step gives community, and isolating yourself...well, in my case it was dangerous b/c then I kept up the self-doubting and considered going back to the mind confusing ex...it was telling my story, finding community, reaching out for help to people I saw had some insight, those things that were really helpful...I get the fact that counseling may not be affordable now...I don't know if reaching out to a domestic violence hotline may help? Or going to one of their meetings? Just throwing out ideas...the videos are super helpful, especially in regaining some sanity...it's reality that you likely need confirmed - what did happen to you...the victim is NOT to blame; what I learned in the programs is not that I'm to blame but where my vulnerabilities were to even allowing someone like that in my life - and professionals get duped too...for me it was b/c I wanted to believe the mask he presented; I did not want to believe someone was actually that ill-intentioned, cruel, soul-dead...and yes, they numb us out b/c they are soooo awful.
There is hope. I may not have the answers or suggestions for you, but one thing I do have is recovery, and I want you to know you are not stuck where you are right now; there is a way out - keep looking. Richard's videos are a great step. Maybe look at see if there are any counselors around you who work on a sliding scale or for free? Domestic violence places, maybe the Salvation Army (or not, if that weirds you out), I'm not sure who else might, but keep looking...there is hope, you can do this, you can get your life back, don't give up. I can relate to all you've said, and if I can find a way out, so can you.

What an amazing kind person you are. Iv lived a normal life as much as I know. No alcohol involved. No drugs. No drama. Then I met this man. He was it. My everything. I was so happy but then I wasn't cos he twisted my mind. And tho I knew on a deep level he was I didnt want to see it. Cognitive dissonance big time. But having come from relatively normal. I just didn't know. I just thought you are loyal and give what you can to be there for your man. But he absolutely fits Richards picture. Now I see that but it's still hard to let go of the good stuff.
I do ok for a day or two. Then I hit a day where something puts me back. I trust little. I trust few people. I have a dark reality tunnel. I have no joy. My joy was when the family was whole and peaceful. I paid the price for those times by trying to manage him during the bad times. I was gaslighted to hell and back. I have to watch a spartan video each day to help me do things. But I won't give up. I have to believe there's better ahead. It's just taking a very long time.
Most of all I wanted to thank you kind stranger for being there today. With your advice and support. Out here there's none. My friends and family have left me alone to cope. They don't understand at all.
I will try get a nights sleep. He was all I knew. He gave me the map with full instructions how to be. I was those things. He edited the map continually. And no one noticed. Least of all me. The others still don't. Today you got me thru. I thank you from the bottom of my sore heart. I mean it. You have been amazing x

I just want to add that I hear you; you are not imagining things.
I thought loving him would help him be kinder, better, to heal...these are not normal people and we can't change other people anyway. In addition to the videos, I bought a bunch of books on the topic; they are also at the library - books on sociopaths, narcs, personality disorders...they just helped affirm to me what I was going through. I absorbed them like a sponge - it also helped me to see the red flags I'd been dismissing (thinking it was simply that he wasn't perfect)...Richard's videos with Dana on youtube are helpful too (her 'thrive after abuse' videos). Knowledge is power and it helped me feel more assured in my thinking and confident I would see that type of person earlier should I meet with one again.
I'm glad I could be there for you; there were people there for me in different ways, but I did have some people treat me like I was crazy right after it happened; you are not crazy. You've spent time with a crazy-maker; you will get your brain back - it took some time for me...I think two years...but I feel better now and have more tools and skills. Keep at it; you're doing ok - you're being brave and courageous - you're reaching out.

PS I know this is a page for questions, but he also has other pages and if you go there, you will read stories of others who've been through it too and find support and affirmation.
All the best!
Sorry Richard for posting so much here where it's meant to be for questions, but I saw a fellow sufferer and wanted to reach out

It's sense to reach out. I bought the fear book you suggested today. I feel I'm a robot going thru life. I want to live again. Like I did before. So much pain from loving one person. I'll get back up again. I know last night put me way back. I think I might be assertive with therapist. He refuses to talk about any incident that occurred. It's all about me. Which is OK. I had some responsibility but I can't do that anymore. I need to get clear the things he did that were wrong so I can look for them in future. I feel like an animal in a trap til I am able to say what he did and have someone in person say that was wrong. I will journal this and take it along so I stay focused. Blessings to you for helping me today. I needed information not an outright dismissal of 12 step. You did great. I didnt know if my instinct and reaction were somewhere in a map of the wrong territory. I think my conclusion is it's wonderful for some but maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I never will be. But it's my instinct, it gave me a day of torment. I as an individual am going to say at the moment it's a no

I'm sorry too. It was a question and this person helped me so much x

For tertain. Therapist insists I keep going 12 step. If Id just said I didn't think it was right for me fine. But I said why I didn't think it was fine. He wants to know why I had such a visceral reaction.
All I want is to be better from the partner my whole life was tied up with, no matter what he did to me I'm tired. I know Richie won't talk about 12 step. I wish he would just touch on it somehow. X

Since I'm new here, & don't want to do it wrong (!) can someone please tell me the best way to ask a question that needs to private/annonymous. Asked the people pleaser that needs to remain safe, lol. TIA

I swear it's not an annoying question you've hear a million times, with an obvious answer, lol

You're OK eddiemami. I think Richard gets to questions and then answers them on hangouts. I'm probably the most annoying at the moment anyway. Hang tight. He's so busy and just done a seminar so will probably will be having a few cups of tea haha. This is the right place for questions. It's just rare they're answered here. I think how it works is your question if you write it here, gets picked up and answered in one of his brilliant videos. I think x

Lost soul- the question needs to be private, for safety sake. I need it to go directly to him if possible, not posted on a forum. Thx

Oh I see. I'd maybe try to ask leyla. Or try to mail your question. Someone picks mails up. Or maybe someone else will pick up here and answer what you should do. X