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He was kind, gentle, quietly spoken. A large man, unassuming but with a prescence. He was unlike the brash, moody overt narcissists I had fallen for before.
Why didn't I realise something was wrong when (very) early on, I called him up excited to say I was passing by his front door and could pop in for a cup of tea. He said ' sorry Rose, I thought I told you - my brother and I agreed a long time ago we 'd have no women in the house'. Sinking feeling.
Steadily he shut more and more doors. We used to meet in the local town occasionally and have a coffee, or look at the shops. We used to walk together occasionally. We met once for fish and chips. We met once at Mac Donalds. He showed me inside the house boat he was looking after for friends whilst they were abroad once . I have never met these friends. He used to talk of showing me places where I hadn't been.
Two years later and I have not met any of his family or friends. He dosn't get involved with my (young) children at all, coming to visit only when they are staying at their dads. This I understand, as he came from a 'broken' home and dosn't want to inflict the confusion he felt as a child when his mother brought home partners on to other children. His visits consist of eating, drinking and helping with diy around the home - it's an old 1940s house and needs plenty done.
I notice that for a long time now I feel such inexplicable sadness, as if I am grieving. I have tried so so hard to be everything to this man, to coax him out of his sad and sorry shell. In trying to bring him joy it is as if I have expieded all of mine. As if he has consumed it all, but manifested none of it. I feel so tired and so sad. I've become invested in him and don't know how to get out.
His sister lives close by. I have asked to meet with her once or twice, when I have found the courage. His answer regarding meeting her and other people he is close to, is that we have such little time together - why mess that up by bringing other people in. That is to say they may ask us to dinner etc etc and eat up some of the precious time we spend together. Is that smart and clever, because I actually saw that as sweet - at first. But it has endured, and if I voice the need I feel for inclusion into his wider circle - he becomes irritated and even a little angry. It is always subtle, but he can always turn the tables somehow to make me feel ridiculous, selfish - or 'needy' as he puts it. I feel insignificant in his life. I might say things like - ' but if you had an accident I wouldn't know' and he would reply something like ' if that happened what are you gonna do anyway? It wouldn't make any difference'. As far as I know he dosn't acknowledge I exist to anyone. He is definatedly stuck on a 'hard man' image - he sort of braggs and aludes to stories of other people he meets whether in the pub or at work, as to 'that's why I'm not married' and 'that's why I'm single.' It leaves me feeling floored and empty.
I contact him by email or text generally, he dosn't like phone calls.
We don't go out , don't socialise. He dosn't want me in his local pub - that is he has made it clear that I should not go in there. His pub is his office for work - where he meets contacts for his trade. He visits me at my house on pre-arranged days, never spontaneously.
He helps with trade work around the house - off and on, with many many many things started and half or less done. He moans constantly about how hard life is for him, aches pains ( dosn't see GP, won't take medicines to help, won't excercise, or soak in baths etc) Always knows best about everything. If I suggest getting someone in to do the unfinished things around the house (I am an independent woman and can afford it) he says I'm taking the piss and it makes him annoyed - he won't see that I am trying to help. I have a half finished kitchen (9 months waiting for him to plumb the kitchen sink in), a new window which he helped me collect (2years ago) waiting to be fitted in the bedroom, flooring for the lounge I won on ebay which has been waiting to go down for two christmases .... the list goes on and on. I have never ever suggested he do any of these things, but he has taken charge and alluded to the tasks - so framing me to remain in a constant state of limbo.
His sister and brother have both fallen ill with cancer this year, I feel so helpless.
I am desperately trying to make sense of all this. Your videos and course are helping me so much - thankyou. I am begining to understand why someone would persist to be in such a dark black world. Almost from the start when he would carry on about how 'awful' his life IS , a little voice in the back of my head would be screaming 'haven't I made it a little better for you?' . I expressed this once or twice and he kind of dismissed it with a sort of ' Oh yes - you - oh yes of course....' Not reassuring at all - just sarcasm ?
It is so confusing, because his 'emails' and texts end Love you.
I don't want to believe that I am a puppet on a string. I worry that I am a life line to him, maybe his only pleasure, although I often feel more like a nuicance,
When I text he has trained me to not ask questions as he is uncomfortable with being put into a position of having to reply. So I text in a way that dosn't require a reply. He rarely replies. In one week apart I may hear from him via email , rarely text probably twice. Generally I will email him regularly - I seem damned if I do (needy) and damned if I don't (something up - I'm not myself). It appears he likes me to catch him up with my news regularly, although he is pretty shady with his. I have done the detective stuff as at one point I was convinced he must be leading a double life, living with someone else or even married . But I do know for sure that this is not the case.
When we have 'fallen out' - it is never an arguement (as we don't do that / although curiously he does call them arguments) but always something I have said which has resulted in him not making contact for up to three weeks. On each occasion I have struggled hard to understand how what I said upset him. I have always felt the bad guy, I tried so hard and never understand fully what I did. Again thankyou your videos are helping me to make sense of all this.
At first we used to go to my Local pub, but quite quickly that stopped as he said I was obviously uncomfortable. I did n't think I was - but of course stupidly it was early days and I thought obviously if he says I am acting strange then I must be and if he preferred not to go............ big damaged ego to me.
I have bent over backwards to make this relationship work.
Now I am struggling really hard to face up to reality.Its a reality that I am almost don't want to face up to.
So I am hanging by a thread, still in contact, unable to give up this love I am fostering at this time.
I am struggling to cope. I am numb. I still look - and wait - for his communications, but when they come my gut sinks. I still look towards his visits, but I don't look forward to them. I am too busy walking on eggshells and trying to fence off his emoto attacks on my self esteem. One of his favourites seems to be 'you're really not right at the moment - are you?'
Well guess what ? No I'm not. I have been completely isolated and guiled into isolating myself from my own friends and family to preserve sanctuary for him. I don't go out and I don't have a social life. My house is an almost unacceptable mess to the degree that I feel embarrassed when my parents come to see the kids. Work and my children are everything to me. My support network was already diminished as I have been seen as the black sheep, the one who rocked the boat, left the childrens father, etc etc. Also I have come to realise now that my (was) closest girlfriend is classic overt narcissist and I can't cope with having her in my life at all at the moment. I am having to take a hard cold look at myself.
Its very black at the moment. If I can hold it together to look after my kids, work and then generally i want to retreat to my bedroom as quickly as all my duties are complete. This is an existence. I keep watching your videos and I know your course is a good start on a road to recovery, I just need to beat down the overwhelming feelings of total and utter defeat and failure.
Why didn't I realise something was wrong when (very) early on, I called him up excited to say I was passing by his front door and could pop in for a cup of tea. He said ' sorry Rose, I thought I told you - my brother and I agreed a long time ago we 'd have no women in the house'. Sinking feeling.
Steadily he shut more and more doors. We used to meet in the local town occasionally and have a coffee, or look at the shops. We used to walk together occasionally. We met once for fish and chips. We met once at Mac Donalds. He showed me inside the house boat he was looking after for friends whilst they were abroad once . I have never met these friends. He used to talk of showing me places where I hadn't been.
Two years later and I have not met any of his family or friends. He dosn't get involved with my (young) children at all, coming to visit only when they are staying at their dads. This I understand, as he came from a 'broken' home and dosn't want to inflict the confusion he felt as a child when his mother brought home partners on to other children. His visits consist of eating, drinking and helping with diy around the home - it's an old 1940s house and needs plenty done.
I notice that for a long time now I feel such inexplicable sadness, as if I am grieving. I have tried so so hard to be everything to this man, to coax him out of his sad and sorry shell. In trying to bring him joy it is as if I have expieded all of mine. As if he has consumed it all, but manifested none of it. I feel so tired and so sad. I've become invested in him and don't know how to get out.
His sister lives close by. I have asked to meet with her once or twice, when I have found the courage. His answer regarding meeting her and other people he is close to, is that we have such little time together - why mess that up by bringing other people in. That is to say they may ask us to dinner etc etc and eat up some of the precious time we spend together. Is that smart and clever, because I actually saw that as sweet - at first. But it has endured, and if I voice the need I feel for inclusion into his wider circle - he becomes irritated and even a little angry. It is always subtle, but he can always turn the tables somehow to make me feel ridiculous, selfish - or 'needy' as he puts it. I feel insignificant in his life. I might say things like - ' but if you had an accident I wouldn't know' and he would reply something like ' if that happened what are you gonna do anyway? It wouldn't make any difference'. As far as I know he dosn't acknowledge I exist to anyone. He is definatedly stuck on a 'hard man' image - he sort of braggs and aludes to stories of other people he meets whether in the pub or at work, as to 'that's why I'm not married' and 'that's why I'm single.' It leaves me feeling floored and empty.
I contact him by email or text generally, he dosn't like phone calls.
We don't go out , don't socialise. He dosn't want me in his local pub - that is he has made it clear that I should not go in there. His pub is his office for work - where he meets contacts for his trade. He visits me at my house on pre-arranged days, never spontaneously.
He helps with trade work around the house - off and on, with many many many things started and half or less done. He moans constantly about how hard life is for him, aches pains ( dosn't see GP, won't take medicines to help, won't excercise, or soak in baths etc) Always knows best about everything. If I suggest getting someone in to do the unfinished things around the house (I am an independent woman and can afford it) he says I'm taking the piss and it makes him annoyed - he won't see that I am trying to help. I have a half finished kitchen (9 months waiting for him to plumb the kitchen sink in), a new window which he helped me collect (2years ago) waiting to be fitted in the bedroom, flooring for the lounge I won on ebay which has been waiting to go down for two christmases .... the list goes on and on. I have never ever suggested he do any of these things, but he has taken charge and alluded to the tasks - so framing me to remain in a constant state of limbo.
His sister and brother have both fallen ill with cancer this year, I feel so helpless.
I am desperately trying to make sense of all this. Your videos and course are helping me so much - thankyou. I am begining to understand why someone would persist to be in such a dark black world. Almost from the start when he would carry on about how 'awful' his life IS , a little voice in the back of my head would be screaming 'haven't I made it a little better for you?' . I expressed this once or twice and he kind of dismissed it with a sort of ' Oh yes - you - oh yes of course....' Not reassuring at all - just sarcasm ?
It is so confusing, because his 'emails' and texts end Love you.
I don't want to believe that I am a puppet on a string. I worry that I am a life line to him, maybe his only pleasure, although I often feel more like a nuicance,
When I text he has trained me to not ask questions as he is uncomfortable with being put into a position of having to reply. So I text in a way that dosn't require a reply. He rarely replies. In one week apart I may hear from him via email , rarely text probably twice. Generally I will email him regularly - I seem damned if I do (needy) and damned if I don't (something up - I'm not myself). It appears he likes me to catch him up with my news regularly, although he is pretty shady with his. I have done the detective stuff as at one point I was convinced he must be leading a double life, living with someone else or even married . But I do know for sure that this is not the case.
When we have 'fallen out' - it is never an arguement (as we don't do that / although curiously he does call them arguments) but always something I have said which has resulted in him not making contact for up to three weeks. On each occasion I have struggled hard to understand how what I said upset him. I have always felt the bad guy, I tried so hard and never understand fully what I did. Again thankyou your videos are helping me to make sense of all this.
At first we used to go to my Local pub, but quite quickly that stopped as he said I was obviously uncomfortable. I did n't think I was - but of course stupidly it was early days and I thought obviously if he says I am acting strange then I must be and if he preferred not to go............ big damaged ego to me.
I have bent over backwards to make this relationship work.
Now I am struggling really hard to face up to reality.Its a reality that I am almost don't want to face up to.
So I am hanging by a thread, still in contact, unable to give up this love I am fostering at this time.
I am struggling to cope. I am numb. I still look - and wait - for his communications, but when they come my gut sinks. I still look towards his visits, but I don't look forward to them. I am too busy walking on eggshells and trying to fence off his emoto attacks on my self esteem. One of his favourites seems to be 'you're really not right at the moment - are you?'
Well guess what ? No I'm not. I have been completely isolated and guiled into isolating myself from my own friends and family to preserve sanctuary for him. I don't go out and I don't have a social life. My house is an almost unacceptable mess to the degree that I feel embarrassed when my parents come to see the kids. Work and my children are everything to me. My support network was already diminished as I have been seen as the black sheep, the one who rocked the boat, left the childrens father, etc etc. Also I have come to realise now that my (was) closest girlfriend is classic overt narcissist and I can't cope with having her in my life at all at the moment. I am having to take a hard cold look at myself.
Its very black at the moment. If I can hold it together to look after my kids, work and then generally i want to retreat to my bedroom as quickly as all my duties are complete. This is an existence. I keep watching your videos and I know your course is a good start on a road to recovery, I just need to beat down the overwhelming feelings of total and utter defeat and failure.
