Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach

Richard Grannon The Spartan Life Coach Narcissism Support


    Learning while helping others to heal

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    D3lt4

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2018-07-24
    Location : Valencia

    Learning while helping others to heal

    Post by D3lt4 on Fri Aug 10, 2018 3:03 pm

    Since there are so few or none psychologists that can actually help and understand our issues, I am helping my sister and my mother to recover.

    My mother wants to recover, my sister is less aware how deep in shit she is..... she has the superego guardians very alert, thus making it quite difficult any type of interaction. Almost any talk is very violent (on her side) no matter how flat is my voice and my gestures. It requires a lot of training.. I keep trying..

    I wanted to share this here in case it helps someone else.

    It felt overwhelming being a therapist when you are not really a therapist .... and it felt quite uncomfortable to treat certain delicate subjects with them, as I love them, and I don't want to hurt them..... all this made me feel very uncomfortable. I still wanted to help though. I couldn't find any reliable psychologist speaking Spanish, so I decided I had to use my imagination instead and try to turn things around. I thought that maybe there are some advantages of being a family member, and I can use them to help them. Despite the disadvantages I decided to try to turn things around and try a different approach for this different situation.

    Some of the advantages I found are that:

    - I know them quite well. There's no need for them to tell me how their lives are - I know it already. We can save time here. I can also make tailor made metaphors that have a better match for them. I can use the deep knowledge I have about them to teach them in a more customised way.
    - My message, my words can be much more powerful, as I am someone they love. I can use the love we have for each other to send some powerful messages that a therapist can't. I have realised that this can also help me release some thoughts I have always kept for myself. I have never been very expressive with my feelings with my family members, neither they have. So maybe this is a good step to make a change.
    - As to myself, I was terrified at the beginning to feel the HUGE responsibility that a therapist has when dealing with someone else's mental health. I thought I was not ready for that. I was even more scared when through a closer exploration and a deep listening to what they say I became more and more aware about things about me. In other words, helping them helped me to fully see me "from the outside" and see quite a few things I could still improve. Honestly, my first impression was to run away... lol

    I can confirm that talking to "empaths" is a whole different world and it needs some technique you need to learn and practice. After some time doing it I think it is well worth it though. Challenging, but worth it. I am working using Pia Melody's book as a guide, then adding my own stuff, after all that I have learnt so far.  This is the only decent book about this subject translated into Spanish that I am aware of....

    I don't think this is a waste of time at all - I am learning how to better control myself when talking, I am learning more NLP, more about myself, more about my family. The problem is that this is not my main job, and I can't find any proper time to devote it as I'd like to. Yet, I luckily manage to schedule around three hours a week. Very tight, but at the moment it will need to be like this, and for a little while because someone has to pay the bills...

    There are not enough hard drives in the world where to store how many times I would thank Richard for what he is doing.

    Edit: Just wanted to add that this is just a personal experiment and I am held 100% responsible for anything happening. Not doing anything too risky anyways. My knowledge is too basic, but nonetheless I am trying to help.

    Feisty

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2018-08-19
    Location : USA

    Re: Learning while helping others to heal

    Post by Feisty on Sun Aug 19, 2018 1:28 am

    Hello, how are you? affraid I think it's very honorable of you to try and help others if you feel confident in your capability to do so. I used to try and help others out of a need I think to calm my own self. But really, I was just absorbing more problems for myself.
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    D3lt4

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2018-07-24
    Location : Valencia

    Re: Learning while helping others to heal

    Post by D3lt4 on Sun Aug 19, 2018 11:58 am

    Yes, I totally understand what you mean. That is why this is also helping to heal myself. I realised that my boundaries where not as strong as I thought. I stopped absorbing others' problems when I worked more consistently into making stronger boundaries.

    This also made me get a better idea of how I destroy my boundaries with my family, and probably, and surely with others. Since I believe they "love" me, they do things with good intentions, and the discourse seems directed in a way that should be helping me, I "accept" it without questioning it.

    I realised that most of their "well intended" discourse are basically "boundaries breakers". And they get angry if I "don't let them in", if I don't let this "well intentioned" things to get through me, or they try to minimise them.

    It was so difficult for me to face this that I had to work on imagining myself inside a blue bubble. This blue bubble is what protects me, and I have to focus on this bubble. Nothing should destroy it. My attention is in this bubble, not in their talk. I am not judging if what they say it's good or bad, I am focused on this big blue bubble around me. This bubble is protecting me, and it is the most important protection against bad things. No matter if the person outside it has good or bad intentions.

    This focus totally is shifting myself from the toxic relationship I had developed with my other "codependents" in my family. Yes, they get angry, but I am defending my boundaries with whatever it's necessary. I will defend my boundaries with my life if necessary. I imagine myself holding a knife in my mouth and crawling in a battle field. My boundaries is what protects me from abusers, and will surely defend it with my own life if necessary. If don't understand it, they will end up understand it, as I did. It may take a few days, but in reality, it doesn't take as much as I thought, didn't it was as painful and dramatic as I painted in my head. Afterwards, I felt victorious. I won the battle to defend myself from the abuse, no matter if it was "well intentioned" or not. I don't care about that any more.

    I have significantly narrowed down the amount of time I spent with them. If they manage to drain my energy, I won't be helping them, neither will I be helping myself.

    Any time I am talking to them, I have already drilled the way the conversation works and what I will be saying and how the conversation will be directed. Sure at the beginning it was very much "robot like", and I have not been as successful as I would have liked to from the beginning, but with practice it is getting more and more natural.

    I must confess I am still scared to see "myself" in them. This is also helping me to gain a more realistic vision "from the outside" of how people really see me and how it is interacting with me.

    I am not trying anything risky so I think there is nothing to lose. Either it works, or it doesn't.

    I don't think I can do it any worse than the therapists I have met so far!  

    The way we try to help others is a trap. It's a fantasy. We don't really help others. We are trapped into a movie where we are the "heroes". We need to make up a story where we are the heroes, instead of asking others what they really need. I realised that if I really wanted to help others I had to stop thinking what I think others want, and actually ask them what they really need. In the real world, helping others can be quite hard, and not just as easy as it seemed before.

    What is working for me so far, it is hardcore, spartan-like boundary work on myself.

    So what about being a hero of your own boundaries, a true hero, instead of being trapped into a fantasy movie where you imagine yourself helping others but it is just a movie, and you never asked others what they really want, you "assumed" what they want. Defending the walls of your own castle is where you are the real true hero.

    Boundaries + Exercise your feelings = Spartan Shield cheers

    Feisty

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2018-08-19
    Location : USA

    Re: Learning while helping others to heal

    Post by Feisty on Sun Aug 19, 2018 2:37 pm

    I can see that we are in two very different places of our lives. You being in a place in which you can give help and I myself in a place of needing help.

    You are so well spoken and articulate. I was almost afraid to respond.

    My opinion is subject to change on the matter. I don't really disagree in any way with what you are saying. I simply am not at a point where I could even fathom helping anyone, especially not my family of origin.

    I love people, I have this drive and need to fix what seems broken, when I ought to just try not to make it worse. I have no business repairing anyone if I cannot manage to repair my own self first. Furthermore, knowing now how truly susceptible I am to narcissistic abuse, I would not even consider involving myself in anything until I have built proper boundaries and a strong sense of self.

    Kudos to you though! You seem like you are well ahead on your road of recovery. I am currently overwhelmed with information and trying to sort it all out in order to find my own path to recovery. I have tools, now I have to read the instructions and start building the road, then I may get to start traveling down that road once it seems like I've made it safe enough to start walking upon
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    D3lt4

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2018-07-24
    Location : Valencia

    Re: Learning while helping others to heal

    Post by D3lt4 on Sun Aug 19, 2018 5:42 pm

    Thanks for the feedback.


    Feisty

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2018-08-19
    Location : USA

    Re: Learning while helping others to heal

    Post by Feisty on Sun Aug 19, 2018 5:44 pm

    I dont think I've given much useful feedback, but it was good to chat a bit. So thank you and you're very welcome!

    Feisty

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2018-08-19
    Location : USA

    Re: Learning while helping others to heal

    Post by Feisty on Mon Aug 20, 2018 12:07 am

    I thought of one useful thing I could give you. I dont know if you enjoy reading much, but if you do, I found this book, "Emotional Freedom" by Judith Orloff, very helpful at one point in my life. So between that and Richard Grannon's "The Discipline" course, I feel I have a good place to start in paving a better path for myself.

    Now I feel like I've actually been useful Smile Cheers and best wishes.
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    D3lt4

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2018-07-24
    Location : Valencia

    Re: Learning while helping others to heal

    Post by D3lt4 on Mon Aug 20, 2018 7:58 am

    Thanks, it's now on my reading list.



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    D3lt4

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2018-07-24
    Location : Valencia

    Re: Learning while helping others to heal

    Post by D3lt4 on Mon Aug 20, 2018 2:16 pm

    Hey, just one more thing..... I know you like reading, I like reading too. However, it's important to be selective. Not saying that the book you mentioned is bad, .. it's has lots of positive feedback on Amazon....

    But TIME is important. If you just survived a narcissistic relationship, I suggest you get hands on ASAP.

    If you are in the same situation as I was, and it seems the case, I suggest you dive into Richard's material with your eyes closed (full faith). There's nothing that will help you faster (many have experienced this too).

    I made a big mistake. I was so lost and confused that I didn't believe Richard's was going to be so helpful. Also, based on my previous experience with many therapists. I deemed my problem was too complicated.

    Then more problems came. I didn't function properly at work and there was also someone with NPD next to me almost everyday. I was so traumatised that I panicked.

    I could have done much better at work and my personal life if someone would have told me by then that what would really help me is Richard and nothing else. I spent hours reading about meditation, psychopathy, going to therapists...... With poor results. If someone would have said to me by then: look, just focus on Richard's material for a while and forget about anything else. All your questions are already answered in Richard's material. Drink it until you are drunk.

    If I would have done this by that time, I would have been in a much better shape at work to face all kind of problems. My life would have been million times easier than it was. Many more horrible things that happened afterwards shouldn't have happened.

    This is what I can tell from my experience.


    Feisty

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2018-08-19
    Location : USA

    Re: Learning while helping others to heal

    Post by Feisty on Wed Aug 22, 2018 4:14 pm

    Hey! Sorry for the delay in response! I've actually been doing his course "The Discipline" and it has already helped me so much. I'm thrilled with the results. He is very easy to digest and take in!

    It had become so dark and heavy in my mind that everything was out of focus. I was grasping at everything trying to find anything to get me out of the "pit of despair". I had acquired so much material, but nothing was "sticking". Some where, intuitively, I knew the answer was in Richard's material. After my last response to you I went and started "The Discipline" course.

    Since beginning his course, I feel like I can see everything clearer, I can focus on conversations better and articulate myself better. I can read and absorb the information simultaneously. I'm starting to recognize myself again, except better.

    Bless you and thank you for your kindness!

    P.S. You're right about helping others too. I see that now. Baby steps for me though. I will be reserved in who I help outside of myself til I'm confident that my bubble is large, impenetrable and filled with lots of good, positive, fluffy, happy stuffing.

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