Is it possible that our feelings led us to get abused by narcissists?
because my therapist says, as you always say, "follow your feelings" and "feel your feelings", and I do remember me feeling a lot of strong emotions for the people that abused me, before and of course after the abuse. Its like my radar was misleading, instead of saying "danger" it was saying "here you get attention after all! go for the magic!". and then I had all these trauma responses of fawning then freezing then fighting then freezing then fawning again. Cause I always wanted to give advice afterwards to my abusers, even though they almost signed a "death wish" for me. and then constant flight responses.
I have had no contact with my parents or any family member for 10 years. i was alone. but i was too afraid to open up my feelings and thats where I attracted all the hxc abuse. in a way I realise now, I was subconsciously looking for people that reminded me of my problematic relations in order for my feelings to surface and to realise them and cleanse them. I must say, I was feeling guilty for having no contact, since my parents narcissism led them to bipolar psychosis and they were after a point unable to normally function.
I notice that even after the realisations, after constant crying and feeling the pain, ok I was still using some escape substances when crying, or I was stopping, crying too much, then smoking weed to relax. and it took a lot of time until I realised I needed help to stop those substances. I was trying to quit and I couldnt. Then I went to rehab.
So now, after more than 2 years of therapy with no escapist substances and with putting limits I never even thought I could put. For example I have stopped smoking nicotine too, after 17 years. Or I have started doing sports, which was always triggering my relationship with my narc father.
Now, I see that following my feelings still gets me in places of danger. Only I am safer now in myself and I get away sooner, much before a trauma occurs. You mentioned it in a video, that we may be constantly doing what we are good at, like flight response.
I think I still attract some narcs in order to cleanse feelings that are too deep in my subconscious and too hard to face.
I still have no contact with my father. I lost my mother after having some contact with her again the last years.
So, I notice that I am constantly on survival mode. I can never make it to pay my bills on time, I always have stress with my rent, always find ways to get food or clothes without a cost, like state help and so on, since Im constantly under the levels of a standard living.
I have also always had some weight gain and loss issues constantly, because I cannot control my money and food. But I have put an effort on putting limits on that too, now. And I keep a journal of nutrition every day since a year now.
I even started studying. before I felt too poor and that I was socially excluded from studies and that I had to do it diy, on my own. which was another constant stress. so I really put an effort on going in a University and Im very happy with this. I do hope that in a few years I will have better work options and more stability because of my studies, and more professionality.
Up to now, no matter how hard I tried and try, I cant get any stability on the work level because my relations are always corrupted in work as they are in my personal life.
I have stopped everyone in the past again and again, friends, workmates, bosses, places. I changed countries too.
New relations seem to be a constant repeat of the past. and I do try hard to feel my feels and to use logic and all my critical thinking. BUT i sometimes feel that I grew up this way and its really hard to change this feeling. of constantly being under survival stress. As you may guess, even as a child I had stress of how my parents will pay the rent or feed me. I have this stress since around 10 years old.
So, I often feel hopeless. like my whole life is gonna be a constant strain on surviving on my own.
and I must say its where both my bipolar-narcissists parents have been for many years. on survival mode. and I was feeling many years guilt, irrational guilt, because I couldnt help them get better. therapists explained me that is natural for kids to feel this way when the lives of their parents are getting destroyed to the core. and that it wasnt my fault for sure.
Im more than two years now in therapy and I dont think I would have made it through without your videos which are a nice company, especially when repetition keeps happening, even though for smaller periods.
and lately I also started wondering, should I after all go for people that dont remind me of anyone at all? and is that possible anyway? because when people remind me of someone, its usually issues to be resolved from my narc parents and the people are usually either narcs, or a bit unstable, and traumatic. And exploiting. And its not a matter of flashbacks. Its a matter of repetition of trauma.
anyway, thanx for doing all these free videos, I really appreciate your work and its a type of company in lonely days of distress and confusion.
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P.S. and after writing you all these, and going through another stressful feelings repetition, I realised its time to follow your basic advice and I did order yesterday the two books of Pete Walker, athough Im short of money. its always a matter of priorities, I learned that in rehab.
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