The Martyr/Narcissist Dynamic

At first there was a personal sense of relief when exploring NPD – it felt liberating to gauge the patterns of behaviour in those who had frightened and controlled me.

But after a while, sticking the labels on them and their memory felt one dimensional.
In a way, it trapped me.

When we started to look at BPD, I was reminded of a vulnerable younger person who had been labelled with this and I felt protective – still do.
So there was no way that I could ever use BPD as a tool for dismissal.

But why do this with NPD?  Why vilify and make them the enemy?

Well now, hold on a minute, you say, enough of the moral relativism – Narcs destroy lives!
The narcissist has no empathy, no feeling, they never accept responsibility for anything, they are the cruelest, the most sadistic, the worst in the world.  The End.  No Mercy.

When I look down the list of bright red flags for identifying narcissists, I feel a little overwhelmed.  
You’d have to be a martyr not to even have the urge to express at least one of the list:  You’d have to be a Saint.
When we get pushed into corners, when we feel frightened, we can all act in surprising ways.  
If we have experienced trauma, its second nature to react through learned behaviour.  This isn’t even a uniquely human response; even the sweetest little dog can take it upon himself to take down a Shire horse – Why?  I’ll never really know, but if I hadn’t swiftly removed him, the consequences would have been devastating and tragic.

So what is behind Narcissistic Personality Response?  Pain.

What if the narcissist embodies some of characteristics that we recognize in ourselves?
It feels frightening to even think about that.
The antidote appears to be People Pleaser Syndrome.  Surely we can’t experience both!
Well this is torture – who wants to feel either, let alone both...

I’ve come to realize that I feel the same way about narcissists as I do those with Borderline response, they are alright by me.
When I remember the teenager who had been diagnosed with BPD, I know that I’ll never doubt star shine.  One day, she’ll be a titan.
We need her here, as she is, as she processes her pain and gradually begins to embrace her worth.  Yes, we need her here.

The same goes for those struggling with narcissistic behaviour responses.

Life is rocky.  There are moments of plain sailing but generally we all have good and bad days, we all experience doubt and anguish too.  
I don’t know of anyone who has a perfect life – scratch the surface and there’s stuff to be worked with.

I’m smiling as I look at no. 3 ‘Acts different in public than in private.’
My best friend is an intensely private person, she lives by this and I understand.
She has a carefully strategized life and yet she knows that it’s a smokescreen.  
I say let her have it; she’ll dismantle it when she feels stronger.  I’ll love her just the same.

Why hate narcissists?  I don’t want to and now I can’t.

What if the narcissist is a beautiful person who is completely bound by pain?
What if the narcissist in us is a terrified child who can’t trust anything or anyone?
Grandiosity is the best defense against that fear of humiliation and rejection.
Not so long ago, it was dangerous to feel anything at all – is it still?

At seventeen, Lou Reed reached out to me through music; I am forever grateful.

Here’s a quote from one who knows:

‘When you pass through humble, when you pass through sickly,
When you pass through ‘I’m better than you all,’
When you pass through anger and self deprecation
And have the strength to acknowledge it all

When the past makes you laugh and you can savor the magic
That let you survive your own war
You find that that fire is passion
And there’s a door up ahead, not a wall.’
- Magic and Loss

Why do we fear that the narcissist will break us?

What if it’s not possible for anyone to break us?

What if we could feel stronger than the narcissists/abusive personalities of the past?

In her recent exploration of the Mekong, the adorable Sue Perkins met a man who had been sentenced to thirty years manual labour by the Chinese Communist regime for being an ‘intellectual.’  
During that time, he had been stripped of all his human rights.
This man was a Christian and he believes that his faith kept him alive.  
All religion was considered evil by the Communists and so he would have been persecuted for his beliefs.  

What if his faith, personally interpreted as Christian, was, in fact, something more universal?  Faith was so powerful that it helped him to survive.

He was able to separate himself from his abusers on a primal level.  His love for Christianity contrasted with the fear based values of his tormentors.  Yet it’s not as simple as one religion being better than another.  
Christianity has also been used to enslave.

What is certain is that this man believed in his worth.

When those in power try to eradicate an individual’s positive sense of sense, they re-frame cruelty and manipulation as ‘for your own good.’  The values of an entire family system can be guided by this edict.  
Over time, it gets to the point that in order to believe in the reality presented, the child must accept what the regime dictates - that they are bad.

Moments in life where this reality is challenged become dream-like and although they are beautiful, they are not to be trusted.  
The same goes for people in the child’s life who actively offer another perspective.  The child/young person feels bashful of the attention and rationalizes the kind person’s actions as indulgent, eccentric even.

Real life just cannot be this way, no matter how much one longs for it to be.

In becoming tough, pragmatic and de-sensitized (numb), the child is abandoned and the young person survives, just about.  
Life is survival, nothing more.  And that sense of self preservation is at odds with everything, it is a painful boulder strapped to our backs.  
Soon we know that something will get us, it’s only a matter of time.

What if the narcissist/abusive personalities of the past have been internalized?

We could definitely end up being afraid of ourselves if the old narrative plays on.
Self trust is treated with mistrust, we fear becoming them.  We fear the possible damage that has been done, we even fear our genes.

Yet still, we are stronger.

The human spirit is so powerful.  In fact, it’s not exclusive to humans – I wish to call it life force.  Spirit can overcome anything and thrive.
Even if we were deprived of human contact or tenderness and acceptance in babyhood, we are still capable of empathy.
Even if we were robbed of our personal sovereignty as children, we can re-claim it and know our worth.

I have sensed the will to live in others, both human and animal.  I have also witnessed trees and plants bounce back from insect attacks, destructive weather and iron deficiencies.

Nature – Life Force – Spirit
This is who we are :)

Why haven’t we felt this before?  
Why did we believe so fervently in those who told us that we were wrong, flawed; good for just one thing?

Awareness is a bitter pill.

For a while, we can feel furious at being tricked.  We blame ourselves for being so naive.
There’s been enough blaming, enough self berating.  

We lived by their code because that was what we knew.  

Life force transcends all the indoctrination of organized religion.  
It is something older and deeper.  It asks only for connection and a belief in that whatever was once shattered can be made whole again.

Weather in Ireland is erratic and getting used to it again after experiencing a more constant climate took time.  Yet the landscape is gloriously lush and green, the earth here sustains much life.

I have come to trust the weather on this little island.

In seeking to emotionally re-regulate ourselves, we hope to feel the way we do when blue skies are present.  This is the goal.
It’s tempting to be impatient and to curse the rain, the wind and storms.

We want it to be sunny every day.

It is entirely possible to get to a consistent state of calm, centred awareness.  This is attainable for everyone.  

And yet emotions are not the enemy.

Feelings need to be expressed.

In childhood, our emotions were censored by our primary caregivers.  Adults told us what we should be feeling, as well as how and when we should express them.

They did it because this is what society dictates – emotions are considered dangerous and must be controlled, manipulated and/or shamed, in order to produce biddable (and frightened) adults.

Our parents had endured this indoctrination and unless they were self aware, they felt compelled to do the same to us.  
In fact, if questioned, they may have said that they were doing their duty as parents.

Without rigid control there is chaos, especially when it comes to children:
An indulged child is the devil’s creation.
Spare the rod, spoil the child.
Everyone hates a brat.

This is shame based parenting.  
Combine this with unresolved issues from their own childhoods and life becomes unstable and frightening for both parent and child.
Looking at this does not mean blaming our parents and leaving it there, the goal is to gain a deeper understanding of what it means to be human.

However, in just the same way that we can’t rush to acceptance (and forgiveness – scary word); we also cannot demand emotional re-regulation of ourselves without feeling the emotions we habitually squash down.

Why do that?  Why become the internalized parent and shame ourselves all over again?

Have you ever seen a three year old have a tantrum?
I’m jumping in at the deep end here as I know that witnessing such intense emotion can trigger all kinds of emotions in adults.  Internally, we can experience the full spectrum of reactions – horror, rage, the impulse to come down hard on the child, the desire completely dismiss and shame their behaviour.  

It’s important to acknowledge these internal responses, if they are there it is because this is how we were treated in early childhood.  

The child is expressing their frustration.  Either they have been trying to complete a task that appears monumental or they feel that they are not being understood.  
At this moment, as they are wailing and physically manifesting that internal turmoil, their world feels like it’s falling apart.

This is not trivial.  This is their way of expressing inner conflict.

As the observing adult, the best we can do is to remain emotionally constant.
Even through their extreme self expression, they are looking to us to see how to resolve the pain.  
They will internalize every response we offer.
This is the time for a combination of calm acceptance and gentle reasoning.
The child is listening, even through the storm.

Eye contact is important; if you remain still and calm, offering the assurance that all is not lost, the child begins to emotionally re-regulate.
At this point, they may well be able to articulate their frustration.  
Through acceptance, they wish to explore the events leading up to their moment of being overwhelmed.  
Tears come, tears go; they return to their friends, one might offer a hug.  
The child is accepted throughout their entire experience and learns from the process.
If we didn’t have this as children, we can still support the inner child by being patient, calm and accepting.
 
This process is not indulgent – it is essential.

What you feel is important.  
You may berate yourself for ‘over-reacting’ to seemingly trivial things and then demand the self regulation of your emotions.  
This is a continuation of the adult shaming the child for being upset over something ‘ridiculously small.’

Next time this happens be aware of old patterns.  
The only way I can describe it is that through acceptance a kind of detachment allows for internal observation.  
In that moment, you can feel both the distress (without shaming it) and a meditative calm that gradually soothes and reassures.  
In essence, this is handling an emotional flashback.

If the impulse to shame surges up, if your inner dialogue becomes harsh and judgmental, know that there’s another way.  
Actively refute it, protect the inner child from condemnation.  
What you are feeling is acceptable.  
When you are working through this yourself, remember that they are just feelings, you’re not acting on them, not hurting anyone – you are processing past trauma.

The thing is, what feels volcanic at the beginning (and therefore thoroughly alarming), soon transforms into grief, once it is allowed to be expressed.  

It reminds me of the crashing storm that turns into heavy rain.

Grief can feel overwhelming.  
Many times, it feels like it will never end.  We fear that we will never feel anything else again.  
Let the tears come.  You are grieving a monumental loss.

The only way forward is to go through it.

In the deepest sorrow, you will begin to feel an expansion.
Know this, as we move away from shut down, as we experience our capacity for grief, we will, in turn, have the opportunity to feel joy just as intensely.
When we get to this place, when we are unafraid to feel to our full capacity, we will also be able to access deep meditative calm as a reliable and trustworthy state.  

They work in tandem.