What I Struggle With the Most About CPTSD

CPTSD is kind of a nightmare. I'm sure a lot of people reading this already know that. But I'm thinking about it and wondering "what is it that is so bad about it"? And I'm just realizing that there are a lot of things. The woman who abused me really ripped me apart. But at the same time she is the only person who has ever shown me ANY form of love. It may have been a broken, sick, twisted form of love, but at least it was something. At least I felt like I was valued enough by somebody who I cared about that she would want to see me when I walked into her space (she certainly made it clear that she didn't want me to leave). That is the only time I have ever felt what I perceived to be love and vulnerability for another person, and that is colossally sad when I think about. She was manipulating me, seeking my reactions, sleeping with other men, invalidating my feelings, and lying to me on a regular basis. I'm unsure if she ever took responsibility for anything. I can't tell if there was anything genuine about my relationship with her. I had to walk out of the relationship at the end of it NOT because I disliked her, but because I was in too much pain to keep going. And that is the BEST love I have ever gotten. That is the saddest part. What is even worse is that I had been so damaged by my childhood that I would tolerate that behavior. That I have got to look at the reality of the situation and look at how developmentally stunted I truly have been and wonder "what is it going to take for me to get better"? "What if she wasn't a narcissist and it is just me and my CPTSD distorting my reality?" "What if she really loved me?" Sometimes I see healthy families and get really sad. Love is something that I have never really had. I'm sure many of you can understand that and are in the same boat. My father has some severely narcissistic traits. He has been self absorbed, self centered, pity seeking, self abandoning, paranoid and undercaring. He typically needs to be right even when he is wrong. He drags people into completing his self centered tasks. He is obsessed with his ideological bullshit and feels a need to push it onto others (politics, religion, views of marriage). He also deeply fears rejection. He made my sister and I join a cult when we were very young (Pentecostal church) which caused a lot of trauma. My mother may very well have full blown BPD. I can't tell if it is that or just CPTSD, but I'll definitely say that she is emotionally unstable, has little to no sense of self, doesn't do a good job of dealing with conflict, is terrified of abandonment, has very few boundaries (meaning she will do anything for anybody; she still treats me like a little kid and buys stuff for me, cleans my room when I am home, does my dishes for me, and tends to get upset if I lift a finger to help or pay my own way), thinks of herself as a child, and has a nasty inner critic. Her abandonment flashbacks and acting out deeply traumatized my sister and I as children, as well as the spoiling we received. My sister may well be a full fledged narcissist. She absolutely infuriates me. More than my mother. More than my father. More than some full blown psychopaths I have met. Some words I would use to describe her are - sarcastic, passive aggressive, illogical, unreasonable, self centered, victim playing, rejection fearing, and reaction seeking. She can be a full fledged bitch. Her attitude is awful. And yet what is the problem with me after all of this abuse? After dealing with all of these people throughout my childhood? Well, I struggle to assert myself in a manner that does not involve hefty loads of emotion. I have trouble breaking off relationships. For example, my sister sent me a "care package" after I had not replied to a text that she sent me about me breaking stuff off with my dad. She couldn't just realize that I didn't reply because I didn't want to talk to her. She sent me this long letter and box of food, so now I am guilt tripped into continuing a relationship with her. I don't want to continue a relationship with her, but my fear of what she will do when I leave is why I even responded to her care package (which was an absolute boundary breakage. Somebody doesn't reply to a message and you send them an essay and a box of free stuff? Come on.) She even had to make an effort to shame me by mentioning how I would do better in life because I am a straight white male. Yep. I should feel awful about myself for my gender, sexual orientation, and race (none of which has anything to do with who I am as an individual or my personality), and she should be treated excessively well because she is a girl and girls are oppressed right? Anyway, the point is that I don't like my sister and still kind of continue my relationship with her just out of the anxiety and fear I get from what she will do when I block the number or send that text message. Just because of the fear of conflict. That is the worst part about the problem. Blocking that number or sending that text message is always riddled with what I believe to be the "abandonment melange" as Pete Walker calls it. And getting rejected can also lead to flashbacks. I go on rants all the time on the Internet, some of which have some informative and helpful information, and I end up deleting the message later because I am afraid of the backlash or "what if I am wrong or made a mistake in what I have posted". The point is basically that all of this stuff from my parents, sister, and abusive friends over the years have put me in a pretty bad spot as well. As fucked up as my family is, I am only a little better just because I have acknowledged my problems and put significant effort into changing. Meaning I don't usually show people my emotional flashbacks and try to be more assertive rather than aggressive or passive aggressive with conflict, try to be boundaried in my problems, and try to take care of myself. However, I'm still a little broken. I'm still not perfectly healed. I still struggle. I still cry sometimes totally out of the blue. I still write rants on the Internet. I still send messages that I regret. I still struggle with vulnerability and authenticity in relationship. I still sometimes am too nice to cluster B personality disordered people. I still tend to be overly perfectionistic about certain elements of life. I still can sometimes beat myself up when I fuck up. And it is a challenge. Healing from this problem is a challenge and can be very, very, discouraging at times. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to truly be in any kind of a loving relationship, or ever truly able to fully love myself and take care of myself. Self improvement is a neverending journey. Maybe one day I will be healed enough. But I am struggling heavily and I know many other people are as well.

With few exceptions in the details, I could have written your post. Your journey brought tears and also relief to know I'm not alone, and compelled me to join this, my first-ever forum. This is my first online presence after nearly four years of being stalked by a malignant narcissistic ex boyfriend who I found out years later had creepily stalked me into the "relationship" through family ties and social media. I haven't been on social media for some years as a result and am a little surprised at myself for being here now, except that I'm really need to connect with others who are in trauma and recovery. I continue to cut abusers out of my life but I realized today that they are still coming like zombies. At least I can walk away but I still find I smile too much around them out of fear of rejection, out of fear them, period. After establishing and maintaining no contact with all abusers, because I had surrounded myself with them, I am left alone and utterly lonely. I know this is a transitional period, I'll make new friends, right? but the fear and sadness and anger, the rage and the grieving about all the abuse and all the loss is overwhelming. I'm starting my life over from scratch and it's isolating. Thank you for sharing your story. It helped me so very much to objectively look at myself.

Both surprised and glad that it helped you aprilrain. Hope you are able to get back on the horse.