Ask Questions Here Please

My husband of 25 years is the scapegoat son of a covert narcissist mother.  I knew nothing about personally disorders prior to the "last straw" incident" 3 years ago.  Essentially "we" (I now realize at my insistence) put our foot down and in a nutshell said "No, and you need to stop being so selfish."  3 months of hell ensued which let me to the internet to figure out what was really wrong with her.

It is now painfully obvious to me that the abuse my husband endured at her hands all those years ago as a child (and for that matter, to this day) has left him:

- Unable to say "no"
- Emotophobic with EVERYBODY (family, friends, coworkers/bosses, people we hire to do work on our house)
- Strong symptoms of anxiety, like poor sleep and teeth grinding (literally costing us thousands of dollars per year in dental bills)
- Passive aggressive
- Martyr
- In capable of advocating for himself or us as a couple
- 35 year chronic Workaholic (because he wants to please and can't say no)
- obsessive compulsive routines
- People pleaser
- Doormat

Unfortunately, I haven't even been able to get him to acknowledge or even read anything on "cover narcissism," and I would surely get an eyeroll if I ever tried to suggest his perfect mother was "abusive." Heck, he would probably look at that above list and say "well work has just been really busy, and what's wrong with trying to please people?"  How can I make him see the toll it is taking on him and our marriage?  What can I do to help him?

Hello Richard!

I’m not a native speaker – hope this is readable anyway:
I’m currently in therapy because of co-dependency issues, attachment anxiety and recurring depression.

The more I look at my familystructure and talk about experiences with family members to my therapist, the clearer it gets to me, that my mother shows at least some strong narcissistic behaiviours: scapegoating my older brother and belitteling my father, while guilttripping all of us three childreen with how much she sacrifised to raise us, using my sister and me as a kind of friend/partner (talking to us about problems in the marriage with our father etc.)

I seem to have been the golden child then, and my brother the scapegoat - something that somehow fits, but on the other hand confuses me a bit:
if so, I should have become narcissistic myself - in fact I'm very insecure and my therapist has a hard time working with me on gaining self asteem. But I clearly was the child who got the most attention and affection from my mother and I would say now, that I'm really raised to become a people pleaser. The "bond" between my mother and me was really strong, esspecially because of the using-me-as-a-friend/partner-thing. And shaming my older brother and belitteling my father was "normal" to me a very long time, until I realised, that this is very wired and cruel. I must say, that I remember being a constant source of laughter for my mother and siblings, when I was younger, but that the roles somehow seemed to have switched, when I went to school. (Does that make sense?)

I wouldn't say, that I was the child, that couldn't do anything wrong. Had really hard problems at school and was not taken serously with my depression that started, when I was about 11 - esspecially my mother still (I'm 33 now) denies, that I have/had one. Eventhough I would say, that I don't need her approve anymore - but it took me two decades to treat that problem and when I went to therapy I felt like someone who's making a big fuss for a long time. I felt like  pretending having problems/stealing time from my therapist that she could use talking to people with real problems, because I wasn't used to a "normal reaction" to confessing having a problem. What I am/was used to was, that reading several entries from my teenager diary, in wich I plan/think about killing myself, leads to a reaction like "Oh my dear! This is just so funny! Just like "The secret diary of Adrian Mole"" (a FICTIONAL book my mother likes). So I'm not entirely sure about the golden child-thing...

In fact my scapegoated brother shows really obvious narcsessistic behaviour, had several(!) relationships with diagnosed Borderliners, and sees himself as an unidentified highly gifted person (eventhough he refuses to take a test, or even make a clear statement about the field in which he sees himself as talented), sees himself as a coach in almost every field and advises people (no matter if they ask him or not). Acts extremely charming to others, but can get furious rage attacks with people "close" to him, belittles them then... he has a special problem with me of course and really had a time when he sort of brainwashed me to do nothing without asking him first (for example:he wanted to review all of my seminar papers. Eventhough I studied something he had no clue about, I let him "correct" them every time befor I gave them to my professor/or convincing me to break up with all of my friends because he said they would be bad for me). One of his greatest pleasures is to discuss about me with the rest of my family when we visit our parents on holidays while I'm sitting at the dinner table with them... I always get angry to get talked about but not to/with - this is a moment where my parents criticise me (when I react with anger) and he just sits there grinning at me satisfied... even tells me, that he's getting a kick out of making me angry. Things like this feed his story of me being irrational and a primadonna.

How can that happen to someone, who was always the one being yelled at? The one the rest of the family was allowed to treat bad. Could it be that his role switched too and he was the golden child first and became therefor the way he is? This somehow makes sense to me, because of the way his "High Ability" is glorified by the rest of the family. And he behaved very egocentric from early on (kindergarden at least). Or is it just, that our roles are not that clear at all?
Or could it be, that this isn't narcissism, but some kind of defence mechanism (isn't narcissism always a defence mechanism)?

I'm really confused

Thanks and best wishes to you!

Hi Richard!
My ex-husband, who shows all the signs of being a covert narcissist was raised by a mother with identical traits. My ex-husband was the 11th out of 12 children and was the "golden child" in their family dynamics.
We were married for 25 years and have 2 sons together.
He has had little to no contact with his kids. He only resurfaces when he needs something, or his relationship with his girlfriend is on one of their multiple break ups.
Last week his mother was sent home from the hospital and put in hospice care. He attempted to contact me via email, since I refuse to give him my new cell phone number. Four hours later, he called my place of employment, asking if I was there.
The following day he called our 20 year old son and left a guilt ridden message on his voice mail, so my son blocked his number.
Both of our sons refuse to talk to him, due to too many empty promises, his drug addiction, along being treated like items, rather than people.
My ex-husband's mother passed away, while in hospice care. Neither of my sons wanted to attend any services, since him or his family have had nothing to do with them for the past 4 years.
I'm sure my ex-husband is playing the role of the victim, which has always been his M.O. and blaming me for the damaged relationship with his 2 sons.
Now that the person who put him on a pedestal is no longer here, what type of behavior should we expect?

I feel like his family will become very divided, since there has been a lot of animosity amongst them. His mother liked to pit her children against each other, trying to get them to try to one up the other, either through gifts, attention or taking her to nice places.
My ex-husband was taught that all he had to do was put his hands out and his family would provide to his needs.
Since the NPD seem to be made from the same mold, I'm hoping you can give me some insight to what type of behavior to expect.

Hi Richard, I recently purchased your 'how to manage contact with a narcissist'.

I consider it money well spent, as I consider the hours of listening to your youtube videos time well spent.

Last night, I made a donation to SLC.com from Australia.
....And wanted to let you know, I first researched the price of 2 pizzas plus drinks at Pizza hut in the UK.

I added this price to my donation, because I don't have a million dollars to pay you for all the help I have received.... you said you would take pizza in lieu of $1,000,000.00... Please buy a pizza for you and a friend as thanks from an extremely grateful  listener.
Your work is empowering and your delivery groundbreaking-  informative relatable and motivational.

Thank you, and I look forward to the London seminar, you and Sam are two sides of a rare coin.

Hi Richard, I just posted this question on a different page, not sure if this is page better to post it on. I'm coming to the end of a relationship defined by narcissistic abuse and just initiating my recovery journey. I'm really sick. I get support from Dana's website and now yours (just came on today, saw your video with Dana), and reading Pete Walker's book on CPTSD. I've been referred to my local community mental health team, but the help offered is inadequate and has at times been detrimental. Same with family and friends, they don't understand. I've looked for local therapists with extensive NPD experience, but can't find anyone. Do you know of anyone or anywhere in or around Glasgow that I could contact? And thank you so much, I really related to your video with Dana and like how 'normal' and down to earth you are. Margaret

Hi Richard,
I asked a question about my child psychologist mom recording me crying and playing it back to me later. I have more to add as more of my childhood comes to the surface. I really don't remember much and that's disturbing. I can remember being scared that my mom was poisoning me. If there was a spec of pepper on scrambled eggs she made for me, I deemed it poison and cut it out and pushed it aside and felt quite clever about thwarting her plan. I don't know how old I was, but single digits after 5 based on the house we lived in. In this time, I also always assumed there were cameras watching me in dressing rooms when trying on clothes at stores. As a result, I adopted an "I don't give a shit who's watching attitude." I also can remember having either dreams or hallucinations of a thousand faces in a sea of blackness screaming rhythmically faster and louder. I asked mom about it and she laughed and said it's nothing. WTF Mom!?! It was fucking terrifying, otherwise I wouldn't have asked. I must have been about 8 or 10. I then decided it's all in my head and since it's my head and I don't want to scare myself, I can stop it from happening. It worked. Phew! I had access to her Psych library and there is some terrifying shit in those books but I have no idea if any of it helped me. I can loosely link that recurring dream or whatever it was to the screaming fights between mom and dad that lead to my crying that lead to the fucking tape recording and being coaxed into agreeing that it's ridiculous. The poison...all I have there is mom telling me (and dad and brother at various different times) "I hate you like poison" or "I wish you were dead." (pure evil!!) Is that even enough to make a kid think a speck of pepper is poison? The hidden cameras...I have no clue unless maybe the tape recording incident was enough. This was the 70's so there were no hidden camera TV shows yet that I was aware of.  Do you think there could be some really ugly stuff that is still buried? That's a scary thought. I don't want to concoct any false memories and I don't want to keep stuff buried. Maybe patience and preparedness is all there is to it?

Thanks for all you do. I've been binging (how the hell do you spell that?) on your videos, and studying the course and book I've purchased. Thanks especially for challenging the status quo.

madgirl - much less mad these days :-)

Hi - did this from my mobile yesterday and only just noticed I didn't post it in Ask a Question Here - so here is my question Hi Richard - on one of your recent vids I watched you mentioned we could set up spartanlifecoach support groups in our own location and to contact you about it. I'm not sure how to contact you! I am in Dubai and would like to do this as I think there are likely to be a lot of folk here who could benefit from being pointed your way. I am an avid follower of your videos as it has helped me enormously years after I came away from one of these relationships. There was nothing as in depth and eye opening as your work around then. So I thank you for all the time, energy and exhaustive work you put in to help us all. Thank you. Jane

Hi Richard,

Trump has a very unique style of speech. There's a way where he sort of double-backs on what he said before, adds sort of off-topic interjections, tends to reinforce his statements with subjective endorsements (ie 'Believe me...') and overall seems to have a direct link to a listener's lizard brain that seems to allow him to say whatever he wants without long-term consequence.

Is he using NLP? Hypnosis? Other tactics? What about his tone? Is his speech indicative of some sort of pathology or can we hazard a guess that its more calculated than that? Would you be interested in analyzing some of the structure of his language?

Thanks!

PS Dude, all that aside, your vids have absolutely changed my life. Thank you forever. I mean it.

Richard,

I have a question, I will ask after I explain.
After 6 years of a confusing downward spiral of toxic sludge, we called a marriage. I found your teachings and my eyes opened up. I started becoming my own person. Something about living inside out not outside in... It is scary as hell and also very freeing.  I began to see my immaturity After hearing you speak.

We have 2 kids together and he comes to pick them up every other week. I have them one week and he has them one week. When he is on tour with his work, I keep them full time. When he is gone things seem so simple and smooth. When he is home and comes to pick up the kids he will stay longer than he is welcome, he will find excuses to drop by. It seems, he leaves their medicine or security blankets at his house, just so he can come back over or get me to come and pick them up that evening. He will tell the kids he is coming over and not tell/ask me about it. He has even used the kids to slide in and sleep on the couch. 'I'm NOT letting him stay here any more, never again.' I told myself one night. The following week, he came an hour late to pick up the kids. I was cooking dinner when he arrived and the kids invited him to stay and eat.. ect. I was reluctant, but I have a difficult time saying no.  After bathing them at my place, 8 pm rolls around and I started trying to get them to go. "Bed time is 8:30.." I would say.  It would seem he did not hear me.  At 10:30 pm I stated " well, I guess you all better get going. Its late. 2 hours past your bed time." He retorted " Kids, your mom doesn't want us here. We better get going, let her do what ever she needs to do without us..."
I responded to the kids, not Mike;  " I love you and want what's best for you, I love spending time with you, however, you body needs sleep now. School tomorrow... ect." My question is, should I respond to him? What is the best way to set a healthy defense/boundary in this situation?

My guess is, you're gonna cover this general subject in your seminar with SV. I really wish I could make it. You have been a life saver for me. Truly. I no longer contemplate suicide on a daily basis, because I no longer feel trapped nor worthless and I can talk about it. I no longer walk about with a fucking fake smile saying" I'm Fine... I'm good... I'm happy..." While on the inside, I'm crumbling to bits, drowning in a pool of shoulda/coulda/woulda if onyx's.  Grannon, Fuck Yeah! Thanks a bundle.

Much love and gratitude for your patience with your self and me. Your healing is an inspiration to me.  Thanks for showing up to be seen. Your helping me feel the feels and heal.

Hello Richard,
First off, I want to say thank you for everything you've done and are continuing to do. You have provided a life line for so many of us who are out here drowning and barely staying afloat. There is no way to show my appreciation.
I would like to ask you for some advice, although I'm sure you get hundreds of questions each day. I believe I suffer from complex ptsd, with severe dissociative traits, self harm, night terrors, self isolation, severely suppressed emotions (strongest of which is rapidly becoming unreasonable anger, although I keep it inside), hallucinations (touch, sight and sound), and several others. I've recently suffered my most recent trauma a few months ago and the dam cannot hold much longer. I'm desperately searching for help, but whenever I meet with someone and even begin just thinking about telling them even the smallest detail I freeze up, begin having a severe panic attack, burst into humiliating tears and my body will physically not let me say absolutely anything no matter how long I sit there trying desperately to. I am terrified that I won't be able to overcome this before it's 'too late'. I want to clarify I am not suicidal, but I feel like impending doom is seconds away and I'm grasping at straws that aren't there.
I know this is long, but I'm hoping you can shed some valuable insight I could to get the 'traction' many people refer to.
Im hoping this doesn't get lost in the sea of questions and once again, on behalf of everyone you've saved (and yes, I mean that in every sense of the word), I sincerely thank you.

I discovered about a year ago that my father is a covert narcissist, and it really made everything clear for me. Fast forward, a lot has changed in my family dynamic. There was a lot of abuse, and my mom was/is codependent, so she never did anything about it. So I had to go to my grandparents for the first time in my life, to help get us out. My mom ended up having my dad leave for a while but eventually he slowly made his way back into our lives, everyone else wanted him back. But I noticed this time that he adapted to fit this new environment, he wasn't physically abusive anymore and although he still cuts with words, he has more self control in that regard. He said he read a lot of self help books and started dealing with his childhood abuses, but I know he isn't really cured. His narcissism flares at times, but I was wondering if this is a common thing? Because I know my dad is a covert narcissist, not just having narcissistic traits.
Thank you!
(little bit about me: I'm 19, oldest child and only daughter still living with my family, including my father, while I'm studying at college)

Richie,
Thank you for the last video reminder of what NPD's are capable of and not capable of.

So, after hearing you talk, in a previous bit, about how some coverts are fascinated with learning more about NPD, hearing you say how they wouldn't know, Ect...  I go back to my own words and accountability. I see traits of lack of accountablies and fallacies in my own line of questioning and responses. I am disconnected from realities. I'm immature with my emotions. Ive been self abandoning since I was 10.

This scares the crap out of me. I waver with the notion that I am what nightmares are made of.
I sure don't want to be. I am self destructive in my behavior, by way of, being elaboritive in my expressions of myself.  Please, will you tell us more about conscious altering drug use for healing?

I am very sure that I've been abused by both parents. Sever neglect and unreasonable expectations. Religious opression and male domination in the name of Jesus Christ. The cult like group I was raised in provided more than just the 2 parent abuse.  This history has led me into abisive types of relationships.

The last was a doozy. He has broken me down. My well established job, my health, my confidence, my loyalty... Shall i go on? No I shouldn't. It's the same story as all the others. Tons of hooks, strangely enough, I feel pain but also some sense of safety because someone is telling me how to be. Again, same story.

I'm also 38 and feeling the desperation of getting my shit together. I'm extremely motivated to get the best of what time I have here.

I see the affect of my actions after the fact. For instance, reading back on my last question about how to respond when he says certain things. Looking through your eyes,  I see I can create better boundaries and not invite him to stay for dinner. I can remind him we are divorcing, instead of trying to be nice and hospitable.

I'm the big cheese, not the kids and what they want. But in the moment, I do something different. Sometimes , I don't feel like my own.
Most of the time I don't know the right questions to ask. It seems you answer questions I haven't known how to ask. Does that make me inauthentic and exploitative?

Truth be told, I do want you to notice me and help me understand me. I truly want to understand how to create an atmosphere/life  that is joyful and full of life. Not without pain, nor without suffering simply the ability to work affectingly and communicate without abandoning myself and others.

Does the nature of this message seem attention seeking?

If you could please help me know where to go for help.

im trying desperately to be as vulnerable and honest with myself and this group as humanly possible. I feel safe with you. I also feel you have dismissed me because of the immature way I have communicated with you, in the past...maybe even now.
What I think I know, is not what I know I know and that is when feeling kicks in. Well that shit is all outa whack too.
You have been comforting to me by telling me, you don't know who I am.
I don't need you to know who I am. I want to learn from you about how to be, who I am.

I sence I'm growing and healing.  A perspective from someone as honast and straight forward as you could shine some light on my shadows. I welcome it.

Rach

Hi Richard,

Question (please do the song ): How does a person with codependency find a balance between being a good person and having strong boundaries within a career? I've been working in retail for a long time and it fuels my people-pleasing addiction. I realize this does not help to create better boundaries if I'm always going above and beyond what is expected of me. It also doesn't help that in retail, you're rewarded for doing just that. It's hard because kindness is one of my core values and I think back on all the times someone went the extra mile to help me and how I want to embody that aspect in my own life. How can I keep using my helpful traits in a way that doesn't make me a doormat or burn myself out from helping too much?

Second Question: Can you explain family trauma for those without fathers or siblings? Your examples naturally assume there are both a mother and father there, but my father left when I was born, so I grew up with a passive-aggressive/BPD/NPD grandmother and codependent mother. My grandmother was always spoiling me while using guilt to shame and control me for always wanting more. She also actively tried to take me away from my mother and at the very least, turn me against her. On the other hand, my mother did her best as a single mom, but she was always at odds with my grandmother. My mother converted to the Baptist faith when I was around 3, but after a while of attending church, I wanted to get off their dull and constricting ride, thus creating a divide between us that would never be healed as she grew more devout and I grew more anti-religious. We were all extremely enmeshed and it was a perfect situation for my CPTSD to grow. So much fighting, so many arguments, guilt, shame, and everyone trying to control everyone else. I find myself reacting like a narcissist or an empath at times. Is it possible to be both a scorpion and a frog?

-Reva

Hi Richard,

First I'd like to say thank you for the videos. You and the information you've posted may have saved my life.

Second, I've been a victim of covert abuse. My abuser had previous victims, including one who committed suicide, who's mother publicly blamed him for her suicide. I had suicidal thoughts while with him for the first time in my life. It's no coincidence.

I'd like to press charges for murder. I see there is a precident set where an abuser was convicted of murder because their victim committed suicide, so I know winning this case is possible. I'm thinking I'll start by hiring a private investigator to connect with the mother of the girl who died and other women I know he's abused in the past.

Do you have any suggestions or contacts that may help me along this journey?

Thanks <3
- Laine

Hi Richard,
Both of my parents exhibited a lack of empathy in my life. My Mother is most definitely a Narcissist, while my father seems to have a lot of qualities that are consistent with Aspergers (Social Awkwardness, misses social cues, dislikes change, gets stuck on one thing and cant let go until it is fixed, rages at inappropriate times.) I say this because while he lacked empathy and the ability to connect emotionally with us he is a very kind man and very willing to help everyone not just my mother. I would say he was actually the perfect match for my Narcissistic mother because although he helps her with anything she needs and is constantly taken advantage of, shamed, and bullied he does not have the ability to necessarily take on her emotions. It is like he possesses zero emotional intelligence and is completely naive to the idea that such intelligence would even be necessary to a human being. I was wondering of you have ever heard of any other cases like this? ... There is a lot of talk about different kinds of Narcissists being married to each other but I have never heard anything about a possible Narcissistic/Asperger relationship dynamic. If you have ANY information about this I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks,
Nico

I have two obstacles that are unwanted and I may need help dealing with. I hope your wisdom and brilliance may shed some light on this predicament.

1. I'm 18 months out of a marriage with a person who may or may not have Borderline Personality Disorder and/or has many traits of BPD and some strong characteristics of a vulnerable NPD. I would like to know why she still pops up in my head after all the work I have put into recovering and all the time that has passed. When she pops unannounced up in my head it does not send me into emotional flashback nor do I get wind up or angry nor sad.

She is a drug addict. She slipped from the road of recovery, the abuse went up to a whole new level, I caught her cheating and the marriage ended.
After the marriage ended she made no real effort to contact her children (the children are not mine), and yes, it's been 18 months.

I just wonder what she's up to, how she is doing and/or if she sometimes thinks of me. Sometimes I am thinking about something and she pops up in my head and I wonder how she feels about that said something or what her opinion is about it.
How can I make it stop?

2. Although my anger and many other strong emotions towards the ex have decreased radically to almost non existence, the anger and hatred towards "the replacement" are still very tangible.
He knew me, he knew she was married and he knew there were kids involved.
He moved into my home bringing nothing in but his cat and clothes in a garbage bag, and is using the inhouse contents like his own. Sleeping in my bed, eating food off my dishes and drinking out of my glasses, siting in my sofa and so on. I built this home with the ex for me and her, not for someone else to benefit from.

When I caught them together in bed, I went to a friends house to cool down over the weekend and to try to wrap my head around what just happened. I was very confused, in extreme pain and had been enduring constant re framing and gaslighting for the previous 6 months before.
I knew a divorce was a 99% unequivocal but I also wanted to make sure I would make such a huge decision in emotional balance because it wasn't just about me. I had three stepchildren to take into account.
What happened is "the replacement" moved in the same night I went to a friends house to cool down. And off course, that guy is also a drug addict.

I decided to cut my losses and run. I still think it was the right thing to do, the home was just filled with stuff, and stuff can be replaced.

So it is not about the "stuff that I lost", and
I am rather certain that I'm not projecting my anger and hatred towards the ex onto him because I did have these among other feelings I had to work through regarding her and I think I have managed to work through a lot of it.
What can be the reason that I still feel a lot of hate towards this sorry excuse for a human? And why is the anger still there after 18 months?

I really just want to be free from all of this and feel nothing towards either one of them and continue working on improving myself as a human being.

Hi Richard, recently discovered you're channel pretty mind blowing stuff.
I was in a very deeply confusing abusive relationship between the ages of 18-21 at which point I ended things and went through a break up that last 6 months to a year. I say up to a year because that's more or less how long it took for the no contact thing to work, something I would never have done if it hadn't been for some counselling at the uni at the time.
After this relationship I met someone else, who was the polar opposite of my last relationship, my last relationship being extremely chaotic and confusing. I have been with this guy for three years too, and over the past 3-4 months it has dawned on me I am with someone who is completely emotionally closed off. In three years he has never once shared anything deeply personal. I have had various issues I have tried to solve to do with lifelong problems with ocd which I now after watching your channel suspect to actually be CPSD. I obsess over friendships and relationships because I am codependent and will do anything to help said friend/boyfriend and not loose them.
I think being with this guy was like a breath of fresh air for a while, after being with someone who was not emotionally chaotic and constantly trying to put me below them and confuse me. But is this really any better? I am with someone who takes no interest in me on an emotional level and who seems incapable of sharing anything 'deep'- for want of a better word. Am I with another disordered individual who just presents in a different way? I am finding myself more and more cut off and I was thinking of trying your technique of asking him 'how do you think you could grow or change as a person' because I honestly have no idea what his response would be.
I identify with many BPD traits although I am so ridiculously considerate to those around me I never outwardly express any of it. When I was having real difficulties in this relationship due to past trauma I kept it to myself and tried to sort it out. I have issues admitting I am anything less than perfect and making myself seem vulnerable or as if I am struggling. Therapy is very hard for me as I never feel safe enough to cry, and if I do cry I find it traumatising and will re live the moment over and over until I can't stand to be in therapy any more.
Anyway, I am trying to figure out whether I am letting go of a great thing or whether I have just realised that going to the other extreme is just as bad as being with someone who is emotionally all over the place. If I was to compare my current bf to anything I would say he identifies with Asperger's, not saying he actually is, just saying there are similarities. Hope that all makes sense. - I am female by the way and 25 just in case any of that is relevant. Other things things- my Dad was very emotionally distant and indifferent when I was a child and my mum was very emotionally reactive and I often looked after her emotionally when she was depressed/not sleeping because my Dad could not. I have had many, what I now realise, abusive friendships and have known and tried to help many very troubled people. I'm like a little flame that all the moths fly to. The sad thing is, I'm really just doing this because I want to be loved and this is the only way I know how, by being excessively considerate and loving towards people I am close to. It's really just for my fulfilment.

Is it important for me to know exactly what type of personality disorders my mother suffers from, or is the exact nature of her personality irrelevant to building my psychological health?

From watching your YT videos (I found it a week ago and still haven't been able to read any of the books) I believe I have CPTSD, but I have not understood exactly what was causing the nightmare of my home growing up: I know my mother has some serious issues, and little respect for the people surrounding her, but I don't know if it is narc or borderline, or something else I still haven't heard about, and wether I should work at finding an answer to that question.

Thankfully I've been aware that my family of origin is toxic for a long while, and have been working on getting my sense of worth back for many years: I've scraped together bits and pieces, but am anxious to get some serious progress going, both for myself, and for my husband and three small children.

It is also imperative to me to get on top of "this stuff" because, due to financial reasons, I had to live with my parents for two years while my husband tried to get us back onto our feet working abroad, and my 6yo is showing signs of distress, I am guessing from the experience of living with my parents (who drove me mad growing up, so it's not really surprising), such as not speaking to anyone for over a year now except my husband, myself, his two little sisters and his little cousin (my sister's daughter), not really knowing how to interact with other children (he growls or hisses at them, chases them, gets into their personal space), being really angry and aggressive quite often.

We've wondered if perhaps he may be on the Autistic spectrum (Asperger maybe), but he was a perfectly "normal" little boy up until about a year ago, maybe a bit shy at times, and I'm beginning to think that my CPTSD and my husband's CPTSD (his family is psycho as well, his father I believe is a narc) and then the two years living with my parents are what is affecting him in this way.

Could my son be suffering from CPTSD too, and how can I help him recover?

The good news is we have finally moved out and far from my parents.

I have started journaling as you instructed in a video, and am trying to identify and recognize emotional flashbacks, with some success so far (I actually think I am having one right now - I'm thinking that I am going to come across like an idiot, and that you are going to laugh at me in a video for asking questions that are too complex to be answered just like that, and that I should just erase this message, and get back to fighting my laziness and self absorption).

Do you have any suggestions for therapists who work with people who have CPTSD via Skype?

Until I can get therapy or coaching, what can I do to progress as much as possible on my own?

I also wanted to ask if you have any tips or guidelines or suggested resources for parents who want to build their children up and effectively nurture them, but have had no such example growing up in sick homes.

Thank you so much for the YT videos, and for helping me and my family through them.

Maria

Hi Richard. Iv been following your work for over a year. I'm gaining ground. But I have a huge problem. My therapist. He'll only talk Pia Mellody, addiction and my codependence (I accept it's relevance. It makes sense). But he refuses to allow any talk other than about me and my transgressions, my addiction, my current refusal to take responsibility for the damage my abuser did by allowing him to do it. Today I am in a flashback. But trying to think clearly. My brain was so gaslit by my partner I can't get things straight about responsibility other than when doing your courses. Today my therapist threw so many words at me. Said I refuse to be vulnerable with him. I'm scared to be, as that incurred consequences in the past. He said no! That's my narcissism talking. I'm refusing vulnerability as I'm a narcissist. That I have zero capability of being in any relationship, not even a friendship. That I don't know how to do any relationship. So im thinking that's why my partner was so frustrated with me. Iv been self isolating for 18 months. Richie. You got me out of the house over these months. But today I broke. Ran straight back to my house and locked the door. I feel toxic to others. I feel warped, confused, I feel I hurt people, that I caused my partner to hurt me in response to me hurting him. Iv resisted going into full blown self hatred meltdown but I am in a state. What the hell am I doing? I don't want to open up fully to anyone. I don't trust anyone. As a result I'm self isolating so as not to hurt them and not have them hurt me. Stoicism isn't working today. I don't know my own thoughts after today. My therapist told me he's increasingly frustrated with me for not agreeing and taking responsibility. But inside I'm thinking no, I'm me. I am not obliged to agree. At the moment I'm this way and my boundary is Richard Grannon makes sense. Please excuse the ramble. I don't know what to do. I just want to be well and to thrive. I'm sobbing over a feeling inside I'm finding difficult to even describe right now. Thank you Richie. Can you help? Should I stay in therapy? I'm wondering if this is some special method to make the narcissist in me better. When all the while in sessions like today I see in my minds eye the spinning top in the safe being spun the other way. Please please can you help? I'm sort of in a bad confused place xx

24 hours later iv answered my own question. Intensive Richie stuff and I'm back to being relatively steady on my feet. I find it difficult to open up to my therapist as I'm conditioned that opening up and being vulnerable has violent consequences. He shouldn't have got frustrated and cross with me. I don't think therapy in the mainstream has much to offer me other than making me feel worse. Tho I'm sure there are good ones out there. I however have been thru 4 now. The only place I get clarity is here. Thank you for everything Richie x

So I'm at the Point in my recovery where I have to start acknowledging the hurt I've caused others, not just focusing on what's been done to me.

I've noticed that most my hurtful behaviour is within romantic relationships and comes out in the form of nit picking over small things the guy has done or the form of withdrawal. Fear of intimacy is huge for me and I know now that I'm trying to push people away because I'm ashamed of who I am and I feel like I don't deserve them.

I struggle to show any form of affection and start acting like I don't care about the other person because i worry if I show how much I really like them, they will reject me. I know how horrible this is to experience because I've had a few guys with hold affection etc from me,but I do the same thing to others. I know this comes from my emotionally abusive family unit and I'm totally devasted to realise that a lot of my behaviour would probably be classed as 'emotional abuse' as well.

The question is, how do I go about healing these traits? There is so much info on shrinking the inner critic, but not very much on shrinking the outer critic. Does it come back to emotional flashback management and building a healthy sense of self? Will I be able to stop trying to push people away from me?

Ever since I've started my healing journey, I've started going into shame spirals about how I've been acting my whole life. I'm so humiliated about who I used to be. Is self compassion the only tool to use when we start dwelling on this stuff?

Can you please tell me how to distinguish a male BPD; I have heard that most of the characteristics described pertain primarily to women...

Breaking up with my narc tomorrow after a 5 year relationship. Need pep talk! He's been cheating, denying, cheating denying. I think ending it in person is most respectful but he's so cunning! How can I stand strong when I feel so broken and weak?

Hi Richard,

my Question to you. Do ClusterB people really know what they do? When I confronted my narcissist in my life, it turned out into a 3 days fight non stop. The way he projected things onto me was so outrageous, that I couldn't believe anymore that he is doing it intentionally. I had the feeling this is a programm running unconsciously. What is your take on this?

Hi, been watching your videos but still on the fence about what dynamics are really at play in my relationship and hoping you can help me. I grew up in an alcoholic home and my dad did the reframing, minimizing, gaslighting etc. so he must have been the narcissist. He is generally dismissive towards any meaningful conversation (prefers humor and deflection) but there is always a point he begins to CRY if we get into a deep discussion. ***I am very confused about true vulnerability (and empathy) and DISPLAYS of vulnerability / empathy.***

I am in a romantic relationship that I know is not healthy. I WANT to LABEL him a narcissist because honestly, the trauma will be easier to process AND it will prevent me from going back. However, he exhibits emotional displays frequently and "shows compassion" frequently. Please help me understand this!

My boyfriend is a combat veteran diagnosed with PTSD. We met a year ago when he was one year out of a 10 year marriage (no kids). There are so many red flags but I doubted myself, thinking I was LOOKING for cracks. Number 1, he did not share the fact he was divorced early on. We had been dating a month and a friend casually mentioned his ex-wife and that is how I learned. I went to his house the first time and he STILL didn't bring it up. I initiated the conversation because there were remnants of feminine touches obviously adorning his home. That is when he said "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. People look at you different when you are divorced, like you have a disease or something." (True or rehearsed vulnerability???) This is key for me because I often felt through his actions that he was not READY to have a serious relationship again but any mention of the divorce or his being ready was met with RAGE or threats to leave ("Well if you don't think I'm ready, you're wasting your time" "Oh, I'm glad you know me better than I know myself"). I have been in and out of counseling my whole life so I'm familiar with the concept of "I" statements and I was honestly looking for a discussion of the issue rather than accusing him but somehow I was the "bad guy" for even mentioning the divorce.

Number 2 He is the youngest of 6 brothers from small town Texas. He has a different dad and RED hair...I'm sure you can see the picture I'm painting. His brothers are all 10+ years older and he grew up closer to their children. He mentioned his older brothers think he was spoiled and thought he was better than everyone. They are on drugs or without jobs or living with mom and he is the only one who is financially stable due to his military career. When we talk about his family, I have never heard of interactions between him and his parents. The focus is his brothers and how they are making bad decisions. He shared with me how they can't be in the same room together without fighting, how one of them cheats and steals money, how another has no relationship with his children and threatened to ruin that child's wedding....one brother is MIA and the wife mailed my boyfriend the brother's birth certificate and personal documents. I asked my bf why he was involved and he acts like he is "being a good person."

One of the brothers daughters recently identified as transgender and attempted suicide. My bf shared this with me and initially I viewed the sharing as us getting closer but now I am having doubts.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My boyfriend has been pressuring me since we began dating to "open up". I told him it takes me a longer time and initially he backed off but every few weeks he would begin pressuring me more and more "how long do you think I'm gonna wait?" "How many guys do you think would put up with this?" Then it changed to "It's killing me that I don't know my girlfriend. I was in a marriage like that, I don't want that again." He was in tears. This is what really made me doubt myself. He says he wants to know my goals and my dreams, where I want to go. I have tested the waters by dipping my toes in and always end up feeling badly so I have not gone deeper. For example, I have told him I worked at a doctor's office and thought I wanted to be a nurse but was turned off by their cynical attitude. I am not sure what I want to do now. He will say "I want someone who is going somewhere in their life. Someone I can get behind." It sounds reasonable right? But I feel badly and so I quit sharing. I also have shared mildly some of the abuse I have gone through in past relationships and he throws it up in an argument "I'm not the guy that sat on your chest." Even things such as canceling plans with friends (to spend time with him!) I get "Why did you cancel your plans? It makes me wonder if you're going to be late when I need you or if you will flake out on me". So I am in a constant state of fear of telling him the truth. On top of that, I am in a constant state of GUILT because he will CRY and say "I have shared EVERYTHING with you. Things that were painful to talk about but I did it anyway. You know everything about my divorce, you know everything about my PTSD. You know about my brothers and family and how my niece was going to commit suicide. You know EVERYTHING and I can't get anything from you."

My perspective is, he shares what he is comfortable sharing. About the divorce, he shared that she cheated on him. (Victim!). I once pushed him and asked what his part in the divorce was and he began crying and said "That I was loyal to a fault to someone who I thought it was love but it wasn't." The fact his niece attempted suicide and he doesn't know how to help (victim! look at me I'm so concerned about my messed up family!). The PTSD, he will break down and cry and accuse me of telling him he's "fucked up." But he DOESN'T share his PERSONAL shortcomings. The closest I got was that he was trying to "talk to people more" as in, conversing with the waitstaff.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What makes this so hard is that he appears and his friends would say he is a great person. He would often leave me at his home to go do errands for someone else. Go get something out of this neighbor's attic, go fix this neighbor's AC. Carry in a package for this neighbor. I joked with him about him being the only man in the neighborhood and he got so defensive saying he likes to help folks, that he "cares about others more than himself, I've always been that way." Wow, now I feel horrible! He also bought a vietnam vet's dinner one night and he made a facebook post about it. I am trying not to be critical but if your intentions were truly in the right place, you wouldn't announce to the world that you were a good person...right? You would just be a good person?

He let a female acquaintance stay overnight on his couch while her AC was getting fixed. This really didn't bother me as I don't think he has interest in her, but it's the comments he makes about these actions. "Yeah, I would open my home to anybody. That's who I am. Would she or anyone else do it back for me? Probably not but I can't help it, I've always been that way"

Any time I question his character he threatens to break up. Or begins crying and saying "You are making me doubt myself. I've never been doubted so much in my life" or "you have me to the point of asking other people if there's something wrong with me"

Soooo he can't be a narcissist, right? Because narcissists don't doubt themselves?

I broke up with him for a month because I felt he wasn't serious about me. I was working two jobs overnight that were kicking my butt and affecting our relationship because I was tired so often. I had been staying at his place for about 3 months and returning to my home once every two weeks. We were living together (in my mind). My lease was ending and I was considering quitting either one or both jobs because of how they were affecting my health and our relationship. He knew this. I was hoping I could move in with him, find a different day time job, save money, and then move to my own place (closer to him). I asked him if I could stay with him a couple months (since we were already living together!). He came up with all these excuses and no offer to help me. I ended it on the spot. The next day he asked if i wanted my things and I told him to toss them. He insisted that he's "not that kind of person" and drove 100 miles to my work and dropped my belongings in the bed of my truck. He continued to contact me for weeks not asking to get back together, not apologizing, but just chit chat or to say thank you or some other thing. When I called him out and asked him not to contact me, he said "I'm not like that. That's not who I am. I don't just cut people out forever."

Again, showing himself to be morally superior.

Since we got back together, he has said things like "I wanted to just support you while you went to school but I looked at my finances and I just can't do it". Number 1, I was not asking him to support me and Number 2, he NEVER mentioned this when I came to him asking to live with him. But after the fact, he's this "good person" who would have supported me but now he's crying that it just isn't possible??? (Poor him!!! I want to help my girlfriend so badly but I just can't!)

There have been numerous other examples where he says he cares, says he will do anything for me, but I have felt empty and alone. It is hard reconciling this with the fact that he IS a good neighbor, a good friend. He DOES let people crash on his couch, he DOES go take down christmas lights without being asked. He brings home his friend's favorite beer when we go to a certain restaurant. He ALWAYS responds to text messages right away.


I am so so so confused. If I could chalk it up to "he's not over his wife" that would hurt and I would feel like I couldn't compete. It would provide some comfort but I haven't been able to believe this because he has denied it so strongly and accused me of having issues for even suggesting it. If I could say "Oh, it's his PTSD" that would be a little better but then I would still feel compassion for him and like there is some hope if he would get better. But if I can call him a narcissist! And see that all these uneasy feelings of mine have been valid all along! It will be such a blessing and I can learn to trust and accept myself.

Let me know what you think, I would so appreciate it! If I am crazy too I would like to know!