Ask Questions Here Please

Hey ^_^

Can you make a video about misophonia and it’s possible comorbidity with cptsd ? I’ll use myself as an example. I mostly have issues with eating sounds. I can’t go to the movies because I can’t stand people eating popcorn and can’t have a meal with somebody if there’s no background noise. I’ve noticed that some people triggers me more than others. My parents seems to be the worst, by far. I grew up with a verbally abusive father and an equally abusive mother as she did nothing to stop him. I always did my best to avoid him but my parents had this stupid rule that we all had to eat together, so almost every meal was my I-get-yelled-at time. I've always had a weird relationship with food. I have a past of eating disorders, and well, misophonia. Could this be all related to cptsd ??

Thanks 

Would you ever consider designing a 20-30min home workout routine for cptsd on YouTube?

Hi Richard,
Since you did such a great job w/Trump, how about breaking down your local perv, Jimmy Saville? Sleaziest covert narc behaviors ever? Thanks.

Hi Richard,
More seriously though, I've lived relatively peacefully in low contact (over 3000 miles away, for little over 15 years) from my mom's borderline behaviors (endgame: sympathy and favors, no diagnosis yet). Now her physical and mental health are both deteriorating.

*What are my best strategies to keep her from turning health and legal professionals into flying monkeys bent on returning me to a life of isolation and indentured servitude unto death?*

I am her only child, but I least I have a valiant cousin who lives a few minutes away froml her. He has recruited a social worker and lawyer to help us. However, he has been advised that US HIPAA laws often favor the desires of the patient. This is usually a good thing, but not in our situation, since the desires of said patient are increasingly irrational/unreasonable and fluctuate from hour to hour.

She is no longer the Auntie he grew up shooting baskets with, and my cousin has finally stared down the vortex from which I struggled to attain escape velocity. He "gets it" now and wishes he could have helped me sooner. God bless my atheist cousin, whether he likes it or not! =)

*What are the most powerful weapons in our armory and where are our blind spots?*

My trauma type is flight-freeze and his is probably fight-something (or someone!) I tend to go "invisible ninja" and he tends to go Che Guevara. Can you throw together an American football playbook for us?

Thanks, Coach!

P.S. Currently enjoying the Supra States downloads! My Supra State isn't for self-assertion really, but more for "asking for help"! I have chosen Miss Tia Torres of Pitbulls and Parolees as a role model. She is resourceful and kind and tough as nails! (I like to think I am, too!) More importantly for me though, when people say no to Miss Tia it isn't because they believe "she should be able to do it herself"; nor do these people turn around and ask her to do things for them unless it's mutually beneficial. Am I on the right track? Will it help be more persistent and specific when I ask for help? Will it keep me from dissociating as well? (Tell Miss Leyla thanks for all her brave work on that topic, too!)

Hello,
I'm a new addition to this forum.  Wanted to know how can I get notified of a google hangouts ?  So I would like to participate
Thanks

Ewa

Diagnosed BPD, then Bi-polar, then Clinic Depression...on and on(all of which now I feel is total shit) Is it possible the mental health community is placing people in a BPD category when they really are CPTS?
How would you distinguish the two?

Hi,

Thanks for the YouTube vids and sorry for bombarding your email with questions...just didn't know where else to ask them. Great idea making this thread!

Just wondering how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings of guilt and shame when first learning how to be assertive, and also how to deal with losing friends during recovery.

I'm a classic people pleaser so surprise surprise a lot of my friends are people who are always asking for favours and only texting when they want something. Then when I text them they 'forget' to reply, or 'fall asleep' or whatever. I love my best friend but she can't do anything for herself and always needs to be in a relationship. She is always asking me to do favours not just for her but for her boyfriends as well. I don't know how to assert a boundary without damaging the friendship. I don't want her to think that I won't do any favours for her ever. I guess my questions are:

A) when recovering, how do you distinguish real problems from being over sensitive and over reacting
B) if someone tells me I'm over reacting, how can I tell if they are genuine or trying to make me feel guilty because they aren't getting what they want
C) how do you go about picking your battles...no friendship or relationship will be perfect so how do I know what I should bring up as a problem and what I should just accept as just part of who a person is
D) as I recover and change, how can I tell when it's time to cut a friendship loose and how do you cope with the feelings of rejection when people aren't liking the new you

Relationships are my biggest problem at the moment. I don't want to think 'oh I just feel bad about this because I'm having an emotional flashback' when the other person really is actually just being a dick. I feel like my recovery period is going to be totally friendless because I am 26 years old and learning how to relate to people for the first time ever. And I'm definitely making a lot of mistakes while I learn.

Thanks so much for all your information and courses! They are changing my life.

One last thing - would you ever consider releasing a hypnosis track for toxic shame? I've done a lot of work on this but it's persistent and I'm finding it hard to shift.

Hi Richard,

Based on topics other ppl posted, I cast another vote for:

1. BPD vs CPTSD

2. Best defense against experienced NLP practioners who have evil intent.

Great ideas, folks!

Hi Richard,

I'm watching your video about Rapid Healing, and you talk about attachment disorders and CPTSD. Could you talk more about that? I've just started to read about attachment styles and their connection with narc abuse. I was raised by a narc Mom who cannot handle emotions. I was creative and emotional as a kid, and I think she pushed me away because she couldn't handle it, leading to neglect and my development of CPTSD (along with other narc-related abuse). So, I guess I have some mixture of ambivalent/avoidant attachment, but I can't quite make it all fit together. I would love to hear your opinion (on attachment style and CPTSD specifically, not necessarily my specific situation).

Thanks for all of your work!

sorry I've already asked a question but this one has been bothering me for a while now as well...

Why do so many victims of narcissistic abuse think that they are covert narcissists. I tick so many of the boxes for covert narcissism! My narc was my older brother, so I have been emotionally abused most of my life. Have I picked up these traits off him along the way?? Or has he just convinced me that I'm mental so I'm assuming it's all me? I feel like I'm playing the victim card and have the 'poor me' mentality. There are so many overlapping symptoms with all these personality disorders that I seriously do not know what I have. all I know is that I am sick of being a victim and I'm sick of being so reactive to rejection all the time. mental illness has made me selfish, because all I can think about is how shit i feel.

Even though npd can't be cured, can narcissistic traits I may have picked up be reversed? A narcissist is the last thing on the planet I want to be.

Would it be possible for you to discuss NPD and possibly cult psychology as it applies to the narrative of 50 Shades of Grey?

I appreciate your thoughtful nature and humorous style. The touches of Eddie Izzard don't hurt, either

Thank you

Could you elaborate on Aspergers vs. Narcissism.

My experience was with someone who claimed to have Aspergers and did have some slight symptoms, just enough to come across as a bit odd while I was getting to know him. He was sensitive to light, would avoid eye contact by fluttering (blinking fast), and appeared to restrain a flapping response by closing his fists or gripping an object.

However, this person was very cruel and I dismissed it as "eh, he's a bit Aspie" but his cruelty became worse and I broke it off with him. He was extremely critical, open about his desire for other women (even my friends), and when we trained together he would push me to the point of physical injury.

I was recently "hoovered" after months of no contact. It was a bait and switch. Apologies and claims of how much I meant to him, and how he did not understand why I left (even though I explained that part). Then there was the "switch" and he had to name-drop a local celebrity that he "accommodates" but is not sure of. It was another attempt to cut me down after months of reeling and healing. Am I unfairly judging an Aspie that does not understand social niceties or could this be more of a toxic cluster B?

" By the way, can you please explain more about the life force, drive to live (samangha?): why and how it goes away? How to get it back?
"

Hi Richard, this feels wrong to say, but I am glad you went THROUGH everything you have because you are such a great help to so many!!

My 22 yr marriage to a BPD/NPD (covert)/addict is either going to implode or explode soon. I can't go on like this. i should have left two years ago, had everything lined up a year and half ago but stopped because he had me convinced he'd do something drastic. I decided, along with my therapist, that I should stay to have almost 100% care of our youngest instead of losing up to 50% of it. He is 3 1/2 now and I want to move on.

This may sound unrelated, but it would help me if you could explain more regarding the dreams you've recently mentioned. I had one a few months ago that I think was more of a visitation than just a dream. What's pathetic is that I felt more love in that dream (and after I awoke) than what I remember ever feeling (other than from my kids!). So, if you could elaborate it would help me. At the very least it was my subconscious leading me to look ahead, right? And that's good, too!!

Take care and thanks!!!

Two questions:

1) Is kindness wasted on the narcissist?

2) How do you make final peace with the idea/fact that the narcissist is still “out there” rampaging their way through other people’s lives?

I’m one of those who decided to warn people on the internet. Things ended over a year ago, then two weeks ago I was served with a law suit. I find it ironic that what they do is not considered criminal, but warning others about them appears to be so, at least in America.

It’s now cost me thousands to get these true things removed from the internet and to have the search engines scrubbed, not to mention the attorney fees from having to hire a lawyer. I’m hoping this will be enough and he will drop the suit this week.

I found myself contemplating even sending him an apology to smooth things over. Is this wise and strategic? Or is it the vestiges of codependency and cognitive dissonance talking? Does an apology mean anything to them, or is it just another power hit?

Maybe you have answered these questions already somewhere else. If you have time, I would appreciate your response. Thank you.

Richard Grannon wrote:

Two questions:

1)  Is kindness wasted on the narcissist?

2)  How do you make final peace with the idea/fact that the narcissist is still “out there” rampaging their way through other people’s lives?  

Thanks for your response.  I didn't realize you had a forum here, very good to know.

I reread my question about apologizing and thought, "Well, that sounded brilliant.  Maybe I should just go ahead and send him flowers and chocolate too while I'm at it."  

But, just to clarify, I feel regretful about some of my responses to his abuse.  I basically don't like who I became in my attempts to warn others about something I so desperately wish I had seen coming at the time.  For that I am truly sorry.  I believe I went too far.  CPTSD be damned, in the end it's no excuse and that is not the kind of person I believe I am or ever want to be again.  

With a "normal" person I would genuinely feel the need to apologize for my actions, and could reasonably expect at some level it would be well-received and even appreciated.  With him, I'm not so sure what is the right thing to do anymore.  

I look forward to your next video.  Please keep up your work synthesizing all of the narcissistic abuse info that is out there.  What you are doing is truly invaluable.

Hello Richard, I have a question for you, thank you! I love your videos, and your video with Dana was really helpfull. I ended up on your fb (for the memes) and found about this forum.

What kind of therapy do you suggest to move on after the break-up with a narcissist?

I have been with my ex since I was 14 (27 now), we broke up 1.5 year ago. He traded me for his new gf right after he was done with me and squized everthing out of me (He even made me pay for his airplane ticket, his gf is living abroad, he told me he was going on holiday and I should let allow him to go travel alone). It took me months after that to realize I was in an abusive relationship all the time, after i've read something about narcissism and recognized everything. During our relationship I blamed myself for al his actions and I was just blind all the time. I kept believing he would change, I was just too afraid to lose him. I had to deal with so many stuff he did to me (cheating, lying, stealing my money, gaslighting, not giving me any love etc). I lowerd my bounderies, pushed away painful things that happenend to the point I would just forget about them. It was my way to survive in the relationship, because losing him was no option for me. (Yes I was stupid to think that) After the break-up I just went on going, even I was heartbroken, I graduated from university, moved to a total new city for my new job where I knew no-one.. I kept telling myself I was ok and that at some point he would come to me to apologize. After I've learned about narcissism I realized that would not happen. A couple of months ago I realized I wasn't ok, I hadn't dealt with anything that happenend.
I became more and more sad, the confusion made me crazy, I would keep reminding stuff and started to doubt every part of my relationship. He still tries to gaslight me (only email contact because of money he owes me) I'm seeing a therapist right now (cognitive therapy.)
He keeps telling me to let it go, that I should not read too much about narcissism, because I am making it about my ex and I should stop doing that and make it about me.. I just don't know HOW I can let it go.. Memories are coming back, I still haven't dealt with it, there is so much anger and pain I cannot express. How can I just let it go? I know I am already out of this relationship for 1,5 year and I should be over it. But I feel lost and not understand. I feel the need to go through everything, let it all go out. There are so many pieces of the puzzle missing and memories keep popping up during the most random moments, things I forgot about for years. In the mean time I try to live my life as good as possible, working fulltime, going to the gym, losing the weight that I have to lose. But it also feel like digging my head into the sand, and waiting for another break down.
Is there any other kind of therapy you can suggest? And what is your opinion about it? Is my therapist right?

Thank you so much!

Hello Richard,

I am 5 months separated from my ex husbopath of 20+ years duration. Still embroiled logistically however: property, child custody etc.

We were self employed together for that time in a very obscure profession, and have two children with special needs: so it a tangled old mess to extract from.

My question is about establishing my credibility and protecting the children.

My ex is very, very sadistic and takes enormous pleasure from the pain and suffering he causes those he *cough* 'loves.'

He sadistically sexually abused me from the time our children were born. They are 11 & 12.

He has split our two children into golden child, our Autistic daughter: and scapegoat, our quirky but highly functioning and self championing son. He is incredibly abusive to our son ergo he often doesn't want to be around Dad. My more naive daughter, happy to be the golden one, is fine with being around Dad (less so on the visits when Dad smashes doors or the police get called on an outing as a member of the public is concerned).

I am in New Zealand and there is an obsession with perceived parental alienation from a protective parent, often the female, in the Family Court. The prevailing ethos is that all children benefit from 50/50 time with parents regardless.

At this point a social worker, the police, court staff, counsellors, school etc. have had the abuse outlined by me (it was a member of the public in the case of the police) and they all seem to be blowing it off as irrelevant!

The husbopath is very Jekyll/Hydey so can present as Captain Sensible and has done a marvelous job of highlighting my reactions to his abuse over the years as 'evidence I am crazy.'

I now keep speaking the truth in a calm measured and sensible way. Pointing out that I am meeting my duty of care to protect two vulnerable children WHO I LOVE! And pointing out that these professionals have a duty of care too......but it is all the unspoken 'crazy lady leave nice man alone please and stop mentioning inconvenient truths like sexual abuse and domestic abuse.....la, la, la, la la...' fingers in ears stuff.

I live in a very small town and the ex husbopath and I are well known public figures. I have been very isolated and he is very connected as he makes 'friends' (hoards useful people) riding past on a bike.

Rambling now.

My fears:

1. He is grooming my daughter, who is so vulnerable and compliant she needs no grooming to be a sexual victim. He is annihilating my sons potential with his abuse.

2. He is annihilating my sons identity and wellbeing with his threatened physical and overt psychological abuse.

3. No one will ever believe me (aside from my sexual abuse counsellor) and i will not be able to protect them from this man.

He is just so calculating and cunning and thus far he evil plan is unfolding perfectly.

All that said I feel bloody great, thanks in part to you: sane, accepting, and ready to keep to my truth for the sake of my children. I will never 'feel' crazy again as I now know what happened to me in the marriage, and in childhood, and I am getting out.........yeeeeeeehhhaaaaw!

You are a gem BTW,

Cheers,
Ms.Penny.Dropped

the first few questions of this thread have been answered in this new podcast you can get here

http://richardgrannon.com/cptsd-podcast-and-video-blog-1-managing-a-relationship-with-someone-with-cptsd/

Is it possible that a person could be a functioning (hold down a job, marriage and parenting) narcissist, until they reach an age where a "Midlife Cisis" triggers their NPD to spiral out of control?

Richard,

Is it possible for someone who is a covert narc/borderline to be misdiagnosed as such when it is really drug addiction?  I realize that these PDs run along side with addiction.  He has never been diagnosed with anything by a professional, this is mine and my therapist's diagnosis of him.  My ex husband was fine for the first 1.5 years of our relationship and then became addicted to pain pills for the rest of our marriage.  We were married for 9 years and have 3 children.  He has been sober for almost a year and the way he acts, thinks, speaks, etc has all changed.  He admits to things, takes blame for things, admits the faults in himself and his family which over our 9 year marriage he would NEVER say a negative word about.  I wonder if this is just another mind game to try to 'win me over' again or if possibly his PD has become less severe as he turns 40?  He has never been able to maintain these positive periods for much longer than 3 months so I am rather surprised at how long this seemingly "change" in ways has lasted and it's making me doubt my original belief of covert narc/borderline.  After all the horrible things he has put me and our family through I will never believe anything that comes out of his mouth but I do have to co-parent with this man for the next 20+ years and I hate that I might be falling under his spell again.  I do not believe that they change in the basic wiring of their brains and ability to empathize, but I have heard that with a strong enough narcissistic injury that they will have the incentive to change in small ways.  I believe that me finally divorcing him and him getting arrested for a felony drug charge(had a clean record prior) might have been this catalyst for change.  So I wonder, is this just another ploy or maybe he acted like that and did all those horrible things because of the drugs???  I feel stupid for even asking this question but I appreciate your insight so much.  

Thank you for what you do.  You literally saved my life...my children and I will be forever grateful.

Hi Richard,

Saw this on reddit, so I'm voting for it here:

Please go over state management/amygdala hijacking.

Especially when a narc has just trespassed a boundary!

Thanks,
Rika

Hi Richard,
I believe I'm suffering with cpsd and am currently under significant stress from a failing marriage to a man who displays certain covert narcissistic traits. I have developed strong physical disturbances which seem to coincide with my mental health. Some of which are migraines, vertigo, gastrointestinal disorders, tightness of chest,shaking ect.
Not really coping, you could say.
Is this reasonably normal, and do you believe medication may be the best course of action.

Hi Richard,

I've finally worked up the gumption to join here and ask a question or two. I apologize if what I ask here has already been addressed and I just have not found the threads yet. Awhile ago I found the youtube channel and have found it to be a real enlightening experience. Even my dreams changed after watching them, they became like a recap of the day's events mixed with insights on my past and the things I learned about in the video topics. From what I'm learning, I tend to be a fawn/flight type and was the scapegoat of the family with divorced parents who were both alcoholics that showed a lot of the covert narc traits described here, sibling a morally defunct control freak who enjoyed torturing me.

My first question is about how to deal with what seems to be my ability to bring out narcissist behavior in people who don't seem to act that way to other people. Sooner or later friends and love interests eventually start belittling, bullying, or browbeating to a noticeable degree. I first try harder to be a better friend or girlfriend, then I can't take it anymore and isolate myself from them. I get annoyed with myself when I see the same situations playing out where I get treated like a chump by people who seemed so normal and nice. Even some of those people who show signs of having been abused themselves will turn around and dump on me. I am working on setting boundaries and that does help a bit. I was surprised and dismayed that once set, I have to actually defend those boundaries and I find it very stressful. Sometimes I don't follow through on defending boundaries and that only makes things worse. Which of the courses would be the best to find out how my actions or inactions bring this on?

The second question is how to work on what I think are flashbacks when someone gives me a gift. Just writing about it makes me uncomfortable. It's April and I still have an unopened Christmas gift sitting in another room. When someone gives me something, no matter how small, I feel instant shame, guilt, and anxiety to the point that I just want to bolt rather than accept it, and I feel so bad because logically I know this would be hurtful to the giver. I don't celebrate any holidays anymore. Most of the abusive family is dead anyway and thanks to them I don't miss celebrating holidays - Christmas was like the Super Bowl of dysfunction and misery. I have yet to find a comfortable/truthful response to people when they ask me how my holiday was. I used to accept invitations to spend holidays with friends until I found that this was the way it went - I was invited out of pity usually. That turned to dismissiveness, which turned to derision, which turned to bullying if I didn't exit already. I still want to find better social interaction and healthier relationships since I'm not fond of the isolation. Any advice on how to recalibrate my "trust barometer" would be appreciated too.

I'm almost 50 now and it grieves me that I didn't find this resource sooner. I have Pete Walker's book on order and hopefully that will help too.

I have dealt my whole life with a narcissistic jealous paranoid schizophrenic mother who targeted me. Now that she is no longer under my care, I am still in a very real, constantly stressful situation.  I have discovered evidence of illegal activity, and how neighbors, some in important political positions, took advantage of my well to do mother's grandiose delusions of being a great benefactress , stealing land from her estate, etcetera. I have been physically threatened for pursuing and seeking to prosecute these crimes, hunting stands are aimed at our property,  and I live alone.  Do you have any suggestions in safeguarding myself from becoming paranoid myself, or making unrealistic connections, when one has to deal with real corruption, or when life seems to give no respite from very real stresses and dangers?