Ask Questions Here Please

Advice for learning in new relationships with CPTSD & recovery. It's a balancing act, I know...but it's also really triggering. In some ways I don't think we really hit upon some of our healing until we actually start to have other intimate relationships. A few "tools" for handling the waves that come would be appreciated from any and all.

This is a long old road but I don't care how long it takes. I attended the seminar on Saturday which was just so amazingly helpful in clarifying some things for me. I had lots of questions I felt too silly to ask tho. I want to do the work but sometimes I get stuck in analysis paralysis and end up saying am I the narcissistically abusive one. This distresses me. My problem is I can't find abuse in childhood. I had an old school dad who was lovely but emotionally absent and a mum who has narcissistic tendencies but isn't full blown in my mind. If anything with one I was the black sheep and with mum a bit of a golden child until she lost interest and black sheeped me due to my inability to steady my narcissistic, if not psychopathic partner. She told me his treatment of me was my fault.
My question is. I can't access many childhood memories with my parents in order to do this work as I was sent to boarding school. Could this have had an impact as much as parents have on who I turned out to be. It adds a whole dimension I can't work through. Thank you.

Please don't answer my other questions? I deleted them. Or so I thought. Thank you for the response today, though. I will take it to heart and work on it.

Hello Richie!

I have a few questions… but first a little bit of background:

I grew up tending to a drunk, hypochondriac mother, and with an absent father. My father was a mason, and supposedly, he ‘exorcised’ me when I was a child. When my parents got divorced, my father would seldom visit me and would always arrive so late that he could only see me for minutes at a time. My mother would shame me and use me as her Cinderella, asking me to clean up, cook, and also beg for money in the streets when we were short of cash (which happened shortly after my father died). If she was feeling well, and the guy she married after my father (a violent drunk who would hit her) wasn’t around, she would sell her body for more whiskey money. She was very loving and caring at times, and vicious at times. She died the day before I turned 12.

I remember being a big strong and assertive kid in my preschool years, but all of a sudden, I changed, and started to behave in a people-pleasing way. I read Pete Walker’s book, and I appear to be a freeze-fawn type. I am very assertive when working to improve other people’s lives, and I am a ‘hero’ to many people. I am also very intelligent and charismatic, and have a magnetic personality. But when trying to assert myself for my own ends, I get an incredible amount of guilt and shame, and I have been unable to assert myself physically with a woman in my whole life ( I am 31, and the few times I have had romantic interactions, it’s because the woman took the first move, and I ‘let myself go’). It’s like a void of shame, guilt and despair is between the woman I desire and me. What do you suggest me to do to be more assertive physically? How can I tackle the emotional flashbacks of guilt and shame I feel when trying to assert myself?

Also, I have that neurotic idea that the damage I received is permanent and that this cycle of being unable to assert myself to love the women I want and break their hearts by inaction will never end. That I am ‘unfit’ to live life as a human being, that I am destined to be alone and die in nothingness. Could you give me a strategy of what I could do to heal from this and allow myself to love?

Thanks a bunch for all the help you provide to us! You are a beacon of hope to many of us, and I wish you all the best, wholeheartedly.

Hi Richard,

I am working through my own recovery from CPTSD and your videos and resources have been crucial in providing the context I have needed to help understand my experiences and, in many ways, myself. As I continue in recovery, I would like to help others in a similar way. I do have a background in psychology, yet nothing about NPD or ASPD abuse/CPTSD was ever covered...not even once. I think it is grossly misunderstood in the field, or not understood at all, and I would like to help change that. Not only would I like to help others understand their lives and experiences, as you have helped me, but I would also like to help educate other psychology professionals.

My question is - do you have any resources or advice on how to begin helping people understand their lives and experiences through the lens of CPTSD and narcissistic abuse, or how to help educate others in the field? I have so much knowledge as well as a desire to help, but don't even know where to begin. Any pointers or ideas would be appreciated.

Thank you!

Every day at some point I'm reminded of my NarcStepMonster and all that I have lost because of her and my dad (who is deceased from drinking and eating his life away) fucking BRAINWASHING ME into feeling like I actually don't exist on the same human level as anyone else; in their words, " You are a great big nothing!" and every night as my day is winding down and I should be able to relax, I am bombarded by feelings of rage and sadness. And even though its dumb, I still ask WHY? WHY? WHY?  I'm sure Sam Vaknin would say that is suited their purpose somehow, and I shouldn't take it personally, but I can't shake it.  Any ideas for a good affirmation?  PS, I go to the gym to let off steam and I work hard all day keeping my house and catering to family, so I have a great life, why do i keep feeling sorry for myself??


P.S.  omg!!!  I am so happy for you that you are doing an event with Sam Vaknin and his partner.  I would love to attend but don't have the scratch; I was at your event in October and it has made a gigantic difference in my life.  Thank you and may the gods bless you in all you do.

Firstly I'd like to thank you, your work on YouTube has really helped me take steps correct my reality tunnel. Pete Walkers book is so helpful, and you've helped me engage more honestly with my councilor.
I'd really like to hear your take on my situation, both parents had incredibly hard lives. The more I'm learning about and moving through my own recovery, the more I'm seeing the symptoms in my mother especially. My Father was emotionally manipulative, he also displayed clear signs of CPTSD. Both were/are (my father passed away several years ago) very insecure, emotionally reactive, fearful, have very precise triggers for Mam it's others drinking for Dad it was bulling/injustice.
I'm currently not seeing or remembering any narcissistic behaviors, though I'm still struggling to think of Dad especially as abusive, my councilor is helping me see that many of his behaviors were abusive. I am also aware that my memory is incomplete, but I have watched many of your videos discussing narcissistic behavior and read a few psychology articles and it doesn't fit.
I guess because so many of the stories I hear are about narcissists, I'd like it if you would make a video discussing CPTSD from non-narcissistic backgrounds or if you don't feel able to do that I would appreciate it if you would recommend resources.

Thank you for all your time and work. What guidance would you offer someone going into the life coach profession focusing on abuse? I have been in human services for the last few years and have been moving towards this field, I have 6 months left on a master's in human services majoring in life coaching. Some of my jobs have been early childhood educator, family advocate, and currently peer counselor at a domestic violence and sexual assault company. I understand and have felt both how full filling and also heavy and draining working with abuse victims/survivors can be, thank you again for your work it has been applied to both personal relationships and to my profession, take care.

My girlfriend who is a codependent with porous ego boundaries cheated on me twice during the long distance part at the beginning of our relationship. The events of each infidelity involved boundary breaking and predatory behaviour including GASLIGHTING from narcissistic men. She was away from me. She was isolated and needy. She was raped when she was seventeen and never got any counselling to deal with it. She enjoyed the attention but lacked the capacity to get he attention without more happening. How does codependency affect a woman's capacity to be faithful? We now live together. How vulnerable will she be to the attention of predatory personality types in the future given we are now,together. She says there is no chance. I think she is overly confident. She is a chronic dissasociator. She hates what she did and doesn't want to think about it. I want to be careful. I want to be compassionate but not foolishly naive. I would appreciate any help you could all offer.

I am always sore. I am a codependent people pleaser with porous ego boundaries. Stretching is extremely painful and onerous for me. Is this armouring? Is there anything other than stretching I can do to deal with it? Are there specific stretching routines I could or should use? I want to be fit but not in constant pain. Cheers Richie

A large part of my reason for doing things as a kid was fear of my father and in a different way fear of my mother. Now as an adult I have for many years found that unless the situation is dire and I have some massive external pressure operating upon me my focus intensity and effort are seriously lacking. I struggle to clearly articulate a clear plan, manage competing priorities and work with consistent intensity and enthusiasm. I feel like I'm swimming in honey. I am a co dependent people pleaser with porous ego boundaries. My father was weak with my mother and a bully,with me. They were controlling, judgemental, physically and emotionally abusive. How can I learn to be hardworking, internally motivated and focussed. How can I regain my semangat? Thank you Richard for everything you've done for me. You have changed my life.

A large part of my reason for doing things as a kid was fear of my father and in a different way fear of my mother. Now as an adult I have for many years found that unless the situation is dire and I have some massive external pressure operating upon me my focus intensity and effort are seriously lacking. I struggle to clearly articulate a clear plan, manage competing priorities and work with consistent intensity and enthusiasm. I feel like I'm swimming in honey. I am a co dependent people pleaser with porous ego boundaries. My father was weak with my mother and a bully,with me. They were controlling, judgemental, physically and emotionally abusive. How can I learn to be hardworking, internally motivated and focussed. How can I regain my semangat? Thank you Richard for everything you've done for me. You have changed my life.

Hi Richard,

I recently read something (I've lost the link and haven't been able to relocate it) that mentioned Flying Monkeys are low-level covert narcissists that admire the more abled covert/overt narcissist. Now I'm wondering if this is why so many mutual acquaintances of my covert ex and I - specifically those that disrespected boundaries during our divorce - are triggering for me to interact with; that on some level I can feel they are passive-aggressive narcs and my warning system is sounding off. Do you agree with this understanding of the main narc's recruits? If not, do you have a speculation as to why such mutual acquaintances are severely triggering?

Also, on a similar note, Sam Vaknin once stated something about overt/covert relationship pairs; I'm wondering if that's the case with my mum and dad. It's clear they both have serious co-dependent and narcissistic issues they abusively projected onto us kids, but the more I think on it, it seems my mom is overt and my dad is covert. I remember you mentioning once upon a time that both abusers and enablers have co-dependency issues that are expressed differently, so I'm wondering if that can lead to what Vaknin mentioned. My ex is also covert, like I suspect my dad being (well played Freud), and after the initial love-bombing phase I felt like he was trying to turn me into an overt narc, to the point at the end I was paranoid I was one. Now that I've had a lot of therapy and am in a relatively healthy relationship I know that, while I can have narcissistic moments, I'm not a narcissist, but a co-dependent people-pleaser. This seems in line with what I understood of Vaknin's overt/covert relationship pairs, but I was wondering what your thoughts are on this.

Thank you!

Hi Richard,

I wonder if you have any tips for how to best handle narcissistically abusive systems? I live in Sweden and our healthcare system here is absolutely crazy making, gasslighting, punishing, and otherwise abusive, to levels of being life threatening because people are being denied care.

So, because I suffer from really bad CPTSD, would it be better for a person like me to move to another country or to stay in Sweden and just minimize contact with the healthcare system as much as possible?

Hi Richard !
Loving the direction this movement is taking us in

Is fantasising bad? Since learning Grey Rock technique I have written down some standard retorts (for example "Why would you say that?" or "That's interesting" (in an uninterested tone)) which I might use with my brothers. I now fantasise frequently conversations in which I use them, in front of my whole family, and stand up for myself for the first time.
Is it bad to fantasise in this way? Is it like practising? Or is it creating impossibly high standards to which the reality will not live up?

Hi Richie! You've mentioned c-ptsd in relation to religious experiences only in passing a couple times on your channel, and I always wish you'd go on to say a bit more! I've recently found the RTS map and identify with every single symptom at my core, but it strikes me as one particular flavor under the c-ptsd umbrella. Would you be willing to give insight on this relationship or point me to anyone who might be able to? It's a topic I'd love to see more awareness and attention on in the YouTube community, and I don't think I'm the only one in your audience who has suffered severe damage to Identity at the hands of a mass invisible "Abuser" who was our internalized parent, lover, friend, and boss all at once.

Hi Richie, and thank you for all of your great work. I have found it invaluable in helping me navigate my journey back from the abyss! I'm not joking. In many ways, it was a long time coming, but my last relationship finally shattered everything that I thought I was, that I'd been 'shown' I was, that I thought I knew, and that my, I now realise, shaky world was based on. Although extremely painful, I know it is necessary, nay, imperative, that this path is embraced fully. I most definitely have people pleasing traits, and despite knowing them and working with them, they are difficult to overcome. There is also likely cPTSD at play here, although I am struggling to really work out if that is, in fact, the case. My ex was diagnosed with bipolar I many years ago. I heard you make mention of it in one of your vids, although I can't remember which one, and that you would address that in a subsequent post. I haven't yet found it, although I have viewed a great number, but I would really like your take on it. My ex, despite his diagnosis, seemed like and out and out narcissist, some borderline traits in there, and his behaviour literally did my head in and it broke me. I also feel that his diagnosis induced me to stay longer than I might well have done, had a diagnosis not been present. I just wondered what your view of bipolar is, and also the potential for comorbidity with narcissistic disorders. I guess it's academic, because what matters now is my own healing and overcoming the barriers inside of me, but it is purely out of interest. If you have already addressed this, please point me in that direction. If not, please would you? With sincere gratitude to you for putting this great stuff out there for us all to access.

Hi Richard. I would like to hear your thoughts on no contact with a narc who has cancer. Shes been highly violent in every way, she locked me in a mental hospital 10 years ago claiming i was the crazy one, and now she is literally USING her cancer to molest everyone she can in the family. I broke contact finally. That cancer she uses for pity is her new way of getting supply now. Shes become even worse. I dont feel bad at all for breaking all contact, but some people who dont know whats really going on see me as a terrible person,of course.

recent short vid you did re why NYC wasn't happening - you mentioned about starting meet up groups and to get in touch with you about it. I've tried a few routes but not sure how to get in touch and would like to start one here (Dubai) - think I may be your only Dubai fan

Hi Richard,
I have been involved with a narcissist boyfriend ( who is Turkish) for 10 years. I had never heard about this condition until 2 years ago when a friend mentioned it. I knew there was something not quite right but I put it down to a cultural difference or the fact that he is 14 years my junior. It was a complete shock. In a way I am glad I found out as I now Know what I'm dealing with on the other hand I am always psycho analysing him which doesn't help me. I've been on a really hard and difficult emotional roller coaster. My question is WHY ARE PEOPLE NOT AWARE OF THIS AS IT SEEMS TO BE A GROWING CONDITION AND IT DEVASTATES MANY PEOPLES LIVES. ITS HORRIBLE TO FIND OUT THAT SOMEONE YOU LOVED WITH ALL YOUR HEART FOR MANY YEARS BASICALLY IS UNABLE TO LOVE ME BACK. WHY IS THIS NOT ON A TV CHAT SHOW MAKING PEOPLE AWARE OF THIS CONDITION !!!!!?????

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Hi Richard

Thank you very much for the wonderful way you are helping so many.

Could you please when you have time explain further the concept of the narcissist being hive like . I have recently networked with a few other people that have had the miss-fortune to be in relationship's with a narcissist and post relationship the narcissist's all seem to be reacting the same way , not only the same way but at the same time as each other.

Many thanks in advance of an answer if and when possible , toddy

Hello Richard,

I left an abusive relationship that was longer than 10 years with a covert narcissistic woman and I also was raised in a family where my father had the behaviour of a covert narcissist. I was emotionally abused a lot in childhood (humiliation, fear, shame, guilt, s.o.). I left my wife 3 months ago and in the beginning (first 2 months) I was optimistic and I felt strong and all I wanted was to get better and to go on with my life.

A month ago, everything changed, I started to have troubles with sleep (I never had problems with sleep in my life), I have nightmares almost every night, 2 weeks I could get out of the apartment only for 30-40 minutes a day, lots of anxiety, suicidal thoughts, I feel hopeless and helpless at the same time, I don't have energy and will to do anything or to have some joy in my life.

I feel like I am at the end of my strength and I don't know how to get out of this state. It is very difficult to do the smallest things. I am in therapy but I feel that I am broken somehow inside and that I am not fixable. I feel worthless and powerless.

Could you give me some advice to get out of this state?

Thank you so much.

Hi Richard,

I'm not sure if I posted this in the correct place (i.e., Q+A vs. directly under Ask Questions Here Please), but after going through some of the videos and audio in the course, I thought I'd revise and clarify my post slightly anyway.

I feel like the work I've been doing has flipped a switch in my head that is allowing me to confront my addiction to people pleasing and to see my spouse's various manipulative techniques (gas lighting, guilt tripping, going about huffing and sighing, stonewalling etc.) various manipulative techniques for what they are. How can a non-narcissistic parent help a young child (5-years-old in this case) help them to find and flip that switch? Are there things that can be done to temporarily shield the child and to help them strengthen their ego boundaries, etc.? Are there specific behaviors he or she should avoid to prevent enforcing what the narcissist is doing?

To give a concrete example, my spouse goes into full narc mode if his obsessive compulsive routines are interrupted and they are pretty darn easy (and even tempting) to interrupt. Yesterday my child wanted to play with his father and grew impatient to the point that he shouted out "what you're doing is stupid nonsense." Part of me wanted to cheer "right on" and the other part wanted to say "don't do that." I took a middle road of "I agree with you, but perhaps it's wiser to not take on Daddy's odd behavior since he finds it comforting and calling it stupid upsets him and makes him unpleasant." Despite much thought, I'm still not sure what the best response would have been. His dad did stonewall him for the rest of the night.

Even when I get out of this relationship (which could drag on for months at the very least), my son will need to face his father on his own. We're doing play therapy, which seems to be helping him to recognize and express his feelings, but I'm already seeing how desperately he tries to earn validation from his father and how he's beginning to isolate himself from other kids even at age five, particularly if they don't immediately defer to him on everything. It's pretty clear from my spouse's behavior that he only cares about our child when he's serving as a supply, and I want my son to break free from that.

Any advice for me and my fellow parents in this situation? I'd love one of those video podcasts with a bulleted list of ways to transform your child into an emotional spartan.

Thanks!