Have become paranoid and hypervigilent

Hi, my name is ashley. My experience being around dysfunctional environments has been my whole life. I cam from a home with a narcissistic mother and a father who could not stand me. From there I ended up being in a relationship with a milgnant narcissistic pyscopath. He abused me mentally, sexually, and physically daily. I basically was in a pow type of situation for awhile, I finally got away from him after having 2 kids with him. Currently I am involved with my high school sweetheart. We have one child together he is a good man but a narcissist. He is your classic example he is the one who made me very aware of all of this issue and made me self reflect. I love him and I have learned to deflect some of his behavior and deal with it. I have cptsd and ptsd anxiety and have had drug addiction and relapses . I know what issues I have and am self aware and working on them but over the last year I have become paranoid and very afraid I fear of awful things happening to me and even go to extreme lengthe to protect me and my kids. I go without sleep sometimes because I'm scared someone will break. In I'm afraid my family is plotting against me I am afraid my sister has slept or messed around with my current boyfriend. I don't know why I am experiencing this constant fear of people hurting me or my kids. I was alwayd hypervigilent but not to the extreme I sometimes feel now. I only get really afraid sometimes I don't want to live scared all the time and I am aware of my behavior but can't seem to shake the thoughts. I have been under a lot of stress maybe you can help me understand thank you.

Hi Ashley,
how are you doing now?

Did anything happen before you started feeling worse? Wounds inflicted by such trauma go very deep and they can resurface sometimes in a stronger fashion. Sometimes we put outselves in situations that re-traumatize us. How is life with your high school sweetheart? Are you paranoid about him, too? Do aspects of his personality remind you of bad stuff that happened? Or.. are there things in your life that keep you on edge? What's most important to you is that you are self-compassionate, nice to yourself. Healthy and sober. Richard Grannon has some very valuable advice in his youtube videos. One exercise to help recovery I really recommend is to take a few minutes every day and simply become aware of how you feel. Describe to yourself how you feel not just in terms of good or bad but a bit more detailed. After struggling one year after a toxic relationship I had a complete break down and went into a clinic, where we did this exercise twice daily, and it helped stablize me. What also helped was refraining from drugs and alcohol for several months, doing more exercise, trying to face challenges...

Be nice to yourself!

All the best,
crow