I was SUPER angry and then all of a sudden, I was like, "There's an old pattern! My body went to all the scary places and my mind went
Here is what I said in a personal message to him: "That's the second time you have posted rudeness and curse words on my wall. My kids and friends see your mean comments to me. Next time this happens, I will defriend/block you."
I was really afraid after I did that. But proud. I am learning that I have behaved subservient.
My father was a brute. My mother died of suicide when she was pregnant with her 4th child. She was not yet 25. My dad married a woman who did not want to be a parent, she was more interested in tennis and being popular, shopping, and showing off. I think that perhaps I am the lucky one because I am able to get on top of this. I used to run away and now I have come back to the scene of the crime.
I now understand that I am going to have to really change my behavior and distance myself emotionally. It is really strange to think that I really do not have any type of meaningful relationship with any of my siblings, I thought that we were a team. I have been so oblivious and guilty of learned helplessness.
It is as if I just started to see or really pay attention. My goal is to unpack all of this craziness and take a good long look at what the heck happened to me.
Yesterday I called my step mom ( she lives very near ) and I am attempting to get information from her about the past without completely scaring her away. She seems to be able to handle it. I asked her how old I was when they sent me to AZ to "Uncle Jorgens". She said I was about 5 when I started having to stay with him. I asked her "Why?" I don't know the answer and I think this is the first time she has even thought about that. But now I have a photo and she knows it. I shared it with my 1/2 brother and even thought he promised me, he would not mention it to her, he did. Now I know I cannot trust him. Uncle Jorgen used to joke that I was his child-bride and that my parents gave me to him. I still don't know why I was sent there, I told her that I was ordered to keep all the doors and windows shut, don't tough the curtains, and never answer the phone. I sat there all day, in front of TV while he was at work. I think it was around 1971 when I stopped seeing him. I was 10. My dad's 2nd wife is the one who raised us, and she was a hard, cold person. She scared me silly, as did my dad. I was locked in my room and grounded for months on end. She hated me. She accused me of wanting to ruin her marriage, and literally made my life hell pimping me out to babysit for her tennis acquaintances, the people she wanted to impress at the country club. She insisted that I get a job out of the home during the hot summer in phx and she dropped me off at some mans apartment and he gave me a drink and i woke up underneath a large bed. I waited for hours until I knew I was alone and called my girlfriend. SHe came and got me. I know something happened but I was not injured I dont think. I never really felt my body in those days. My nicknames were, "pig", "ugly" and I was told what 'great big nothing I was all the time.