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Hi Richard,
Um... So I have been watching your video's and Sam Vankin's since I had to ask my Narcissistic and god knows what else co morbid Wife (Male to Female transgender) to leave mid feb after the abuse his a point of physicality I could not stand, and the fear and control hit that as well.
Here are my questions... after them is the um background to the situation as best I can tell you at the moment if it helps.
So first question... I am not a saint, but I was double major history and ethics in college and like try to be good to people... how am I supposed to understand this level of maltreatment and fucking deal with it, please see background.
Secondly knowing its my Anniversary tomorrow and that I have cptsd and have to spend the day describing the abuse to a housing attorney, divorce attorney, and social worker, I can pretty well guess that after I am done talking to other people and alone, some emotional flash back is going to happen. Flight is my normal but I feel terrified to actually leave my room like this has been a life long thing so it just creates a huge state of anxiety because like I just want to run off to fucking another planet but am afraid to step out the door, that's probably from my *lovely* childhood, Freeze is less normal but does happen on occasion as a response to actually telling the truth about abuse. I love your blue belt affirmations video and your Help I am having a melt down video but they seem to deal with spontaneous triggering of emotional flashbacks... do you have advice for knowing you are heading into a situation that will almost absolutely trigger one? Can I prepare in advance?
Um background, (not really up to bothering with editing it or cleaning it up so sorry if its rambly and not great grammatically) I was raised by in my view point, the heirs to the throne of all cluster B families as an only child and abused in different mental and physical ways by mother, father, Maternal Aunt and Grand mother, and came out of it with a really fucked up world view of needing to be with those people to be safe, and not a super set of social skills.
Fast forward to meeting my wife and her showing up within 3 weeks as my personal savior and us being engaged and moving in within a month. Waited a year, 2014 April first for the marriage and until we got to the honey moon suite, I was the center of her world. Then I felt something change. In the following months doctors kept putting me on drugs that basically I feel kept me blinded, and she got real weird and would later be undergoing therapy for D.I.D. which Sam Vankin did a short video on but I find no other co-morbid writings about. I won't say things were good after the marriage... they weren't. But in 2015 when I became pregnant, which was our supposed dream, (I have a condition that limits my mobility so she was looking after my health) suddenly there was no attention and interest in me when before I had, even when she was in a bitchy mood, been the only thing she was interested in, fights that lasted literally over 24 hours came instead, she started sleeping all the time, and lost her job, I lost privileges for clean clothes and linens and had to get sneaky and make sure I had morning sickness on things that needed washing, I pushed for her to enter therapy thinking that would help, borrowed money from my family, we lost our apartment. Then I lost the baby. Not that conceiving was ever fun because it was always I want you I want you I want you... ok lie on the bed while I look at other girls online and masterbate into this cup if you want a baby, but you know how much I want the baby too. I got pregnant again right away, and my care and her care of herself declined to the point that I was suicidal, and she watched me take a bottle of pills, did nothing, mind you I was pregnant. I made the choice to drink a bunch of water and throw them up because I realized no matter what happened in my life I wanted to be around for it, fuck the world. Then a month later... I lost that baby. after another month she still wants to try and suckers me in on the dream of how great things will be when we have a family how happy she will be how great it can get again and I believe it, cause who wouldn't want to make life better for a child they loved and I want children badly. Onto miscarriage 3 and me having myself tested in every way possible, finding out I am fine but hormones she took had fucked up her sperm and she probably knew that. Also at this point the her I knew is missing in action... supposedly, replaced by a host of personalities many of whom seem to be children. No clean clothes, no help with the house keeping, no regular food, ad getting hit in the head with bags of toilet paper rolls so it doesn't leave a mark, being held down when one personality says bitchy stuff at a romantic moment and ruins it and I try to get up, and each personality there to say the other did it. I ask for attention on my birthday, they break my lamp and say aren't they more important, I ask for special attention on Christmas, and they make all kinds of plans and turn the day into a living hell about me having to hear more of their problems and damage my computer. I start making new friends online and they break my scanner. Months of me saying maybe we should split and she either threatens to kill herself or says I always wanted her to die alone in the streets from the moment we met. Early feb I have to have intensive dental surgery, she makes food too hot and I spit out a piece and she turns her rings so the gems face downward and hits my hand hard enough to break a vein. I call my social worker tell her we need to separate and she goes crying and apologising, only to have pictures of her partying at a bar with her friends from work the next night and gets them to bullying me online and being rude to me in the morning when I called to ask what the hell happened, expecting it to be blamed on a personality I had not met yet... but she actually says she did it herself, and I say... ok divorce. When we meet in public to exchange things I try to tell her that we still need to work together even divorcing because I can't go to a victims advocacy service as a handicapped person without the state starting an independent investigation that I have no right to say jail or no jail in and she stares at me like she wants me dead and says she hates MA. I try to point out a lot of the verbal abuse is recorded for her therapy sessions and she says *that's* what she regrets. I say I want a divorce and she says I hate her... but she is looking at me like she hates me. It all escalates into her sticking me, who only gets disability income (in late november when we were going to be homeless cause my disability could no longer pay everything and my family was out of money she had a new job in like 2 days.) she says she will help with the rent as she is staying with friends for free, then doesn't and gets these friends to send me an email saying I would be laughed out of court and found guilty of perjury if I told the truth and to stop ABUSING HER... after she has been with them and out of all contact with me for a month at which point I did contact a domestic abuse advocate and get a restraining order to protect myself and am in the court process of like getting continuing monetary support. I very clearly see her as a thing... what Sam had to say about Narc/co morbid with DID is that the entire personality is... shattered. I get... logistically how this is all possible to have happen to me, I am actually buying your abuse recovery course tomorrow and was at your last google hangout... thanks for answering my questions. But here is the thing. Tomorrow is our third wedding anniversary, and I get to spend it talking to a housing attorney, divorce attorney, and social worker... I don't miss her but I did love our dreams...
Um... So I have been watching your video's and Sam Vankin's since I had to ask my Narcissistic and god knows what else co morbid Wife (Male to Female transgender) to leave mid feb after the abuse his a point of physicality I could not stand, and the fear and control hit that as well.
Here are my questions... after them is the um background to the situation as best I can tell you at the moment if it helps.
So first question... I am not a saint, but I was double major history and ethics in college and like try to be good to people... how am I supposed to understand this level of maltreatment and fucking deal with it, please see background.
Secondly knowing its my Anniversary tomorrow and that I have cptsd and have to spend the day describing the abuse to a housing attorney, divorce attorney, and social worker, I can pretty well guess that after I am done talking to other people and alone, some emotional flash back is going to happen. Flight is my normal but I feel terrified to actually leave my room like this has been a life long thing so it just creates a huge state of anxiety because like I just want to run off to fucking another planet but am afraid to step out the door, that's probably from my *lovely* childhood, Freeze is less normal but does happen on occasion as a response to actually telling the truth about abuse. I love your blue belt affirmations video and your Help I am having a melt down video but they seem to deal with spontaneous triggering of emotional flashbacks... do you have advice for knowing you are heading into a situation that will almost absolutely trigger one? Can I prepare in advance?
Um background, (not really up to bothering with editing it or cleaning it up so sorry if its rambly and not great grammatically) I was raised by in my view point, the heirs to the throne of all cluster B families as an only child and abused in different mental and physical ways by mother, father, Maternal Aunt and Grand mother, and came out of it with a really fucked up world view of needing to be with those people to be safe, and not a super set of social skills.
Fast forward to meeting my wife and her showing up within 3 weeks as my personal savior and us being engaged and moving in within a month. Waited a year, 2014 April first for the marriage and until we got to the honey moon suite, I was the center of her world. Then I felt something change. In the following months doctors kept putting me on drugs that basically I feel kept me blinded, and she got real weird and would later be undergoing therapy for D.I.D. which Sam Vankin did a short video on but I find no other co-morbid writings about. I won't say things were good after the marriage... they weren't. But in 2015 when I became pregnant, which was our supposed dream, (I have a condition that limits my mobility so she was looking after my health) suddenly there was no attention and interest in me when before I had, even when she was in a bitchy mood, been the only thing she was interested in, fights that lasted literally over 24 hours came instead, she started sleeping all the time, and lost her job, I lost privileges for clean clothes and linens and had to get sneaky and make sure I had morning sickness on things that needed washing, I pushed for her to enter therapy thinking that would help, borrowed money from my family, we lost our apartment. Then I lost the baby. Not that conceiving was ever fun because it was always I want you I want you I want you... ok lie on the bed while I look at other girls online and masterbate into this cup if you want a baby, but you know how much I want the baby too. I got pregnant again right away, and my care and her care of herself declined to the point that I was suicidal, and she watched me take a bottle of pills, did nothing, mind you I was pregnant. I made the choice to drink a bunch of water and throw them up because I realized no matter what happened in my life I wanted to be around for it, fuck the world. Then a month later... I lost that baby. after another month she still wants to try and suckers me in on the dream of how great things will be when we have a family how happy she will be how great it can get again and I believe it, cause who wouldn't want to make life better for a child they loved and I want children badly. Onto miscarriage 3 and me having myself tested in every way possible, finding out I am fine but hormones she took had fucked up her sperm and she probably knew that. Also at this point the her I knew is missing in action... supposedly, replaced by a host of personalities many of whom seem to be children. No clean clothes, no help with the house keeping, no regular food, ad getting hit in the head with bags of toilet paper rolls so it doesn't leave a mark, being held down when one personality says bitchy stuff at a romantic moment and ruins it and I try to get up, and each personality there to say the other did it. I ask for attention on my birthday, they break my lamp and say aren't they more important, I ask for special attention on Christmas, and they make all kinds of plans and turn the day into a living hell about me having to hear more of their problems and damage my computer. I start making new friends online and they break my scanner. Months of me saying maybe we should split and she either threatens to kill herself or says I always wanted her to die alone in the streets from the moment we met. Early feb I have to have intensive dental surgery, she makes food too hot and I spit out a piece and she turns her rings so the gems face downward and hits my hand hard enough to break a vein. I call my social worker tell her we need to separate and she goes crying and apologising, only to have pictures of her partying at a bar with her friends from work the next night and gets them to bullying me online and being rude to me in the morning when I called to ask what the hell happened, expecting it to be blamed on a personality I had not met yet... but she actually says she did it herself, and I say... ok divorce. When we meet in public to exchange things I try to tell her that we still need to work together even divorcing because I can't go to a victims advocacy service as a handicapped person without the state starting an independent investigation that I have no right to say jail or no jail in and she stares at me like she wants me dead and says she hates MA. I try to point out a lot of the verbal abuse is recorded for her therapy sessions and she says *that's* what she regrets. I say I want a divorce and she says I hate her... but she is looking at me like she hates me. It all escalates into her sticking me, who only gets disability income (in late november when we were going to be homeless cause my disability could no longer pay everything and my family was out of money she had a new job in like 2 days.) she says she will help with the rent as she is staying with friends for free, then doesn't and gets these friends to send me an email saying I would be laughed out of court and found guilty of perjury if I told the truth and to stop ABUSING HER... after she has been with them and out of all contact with me for a month at which point I did contact a domestic abuse advocate and get a restraining order to protect myself and am in the court process of like getting continuing monetary support. I very clearly see her as a thing... what Sam had to say about Narc/co morbid with DID is that the entire personality is... shattered. I get... logistically how this is all possible to have happen to me, I am actually buying your abuse recovery course tomorrow and was at your last google hangout... thanks for answering my questions. But here is the thing. Tomorrow is our third wedding anniversary, and I get to spend it talking to a housing attorney, divorce attorney, and social worker... I don't miss her but I did love our dreams...
