How do you?

I am still trying to figure out how to deal with this particular "thing".

Triggered Guilt

Any input welcome - how do you, as a healing individual, figure out what is yours and what is not? How do you know when you need to buck up and apologize for something because you want to be a decent human being and how do you know when it's not yours and either a flashback or a current manipulation in action?

I'm an INFJ, HSP/HSE, 43 AQ. Does that affect my perspectives? Quite likely, but surely there must be some way to tell what's ours and what's not. It's one of those things I seem to trip over consistently and I just have no idea how to figure it out.

I'd say you need to learn to trust your own thoughts and feelings. The trouble with us gentle and sensitive people is often that we want to be reasonable and absolutely right every time we express our emotions. But emotions aren't reasonable. Sometimes you will feel pissed off about something and then find out that you were wrong about it, and that's ok. Sometimes you will let someone push you over because you didn't even consider your own needs until after the fact. And that's ok too.

I've been working on meeting my own needs for years now, and I'm still not there. It's a slow, slow process. I've been taught that getting my needs met is a privilege, not a right, and I still need to get used to the idea that I have rights as well. First, I wouldn't even know I was being neglected all the time. Eventually I learned that I was neglecting myself. Situations would occur, and afterwards I would think: "That was a situation in which I should have stood up for myself!" Now I'm at the point where I recognize those situations while I'm still in them, more and more. And I manage to stand up for myself and actually get my way, more and more. It took me 10 years to get to this point.

I guess what you need to do, is form some healthy boundaries. Figure out what your rights are, what other peoples rights are, and learn to recognize when those are violated. Then, when you feel like you should apologize, you can ask yourself: were anyones rights violated? Did I do something that violated the other persons rights? Or am I violating my own rights when I apologize?

Eventually I also think you need to let go of the idea of what's yours and what's not. What's yours is your emotions, and you need to listen to them. That's really your only responsibility in my opinion. Well, that and not violating anybody's rights, but I assume that's not your intention anyway But trust yourself. Trust your emotions to tell you what to do. And be patient, because it will take some time for you to get back in touch with yourself.

Thanks, Milly. That's the struggle - trusting myself now. At times I do, but having been gaslighted so many times, it's still precarious. I'm learning, albeit slowly...which I guess is a good thing. Slow progress means it sticks better, me thinks.