How do I leave him?

Hello all,

I got myself in quite a mess. In another topic I already described the full story, but here's a summary. In order to get away from my narc parents, I became homeless. I stayed at a night shelter for a few months. There, I met a man, and now we're dating.

I don't exactly know how to describe this, it's kinda like, I know how it works, yet I still went along with it, and I can't really tell for myself why that is.

At first I didn't even like him, but then at one point he seemed so sweet and caring and my daddy issues came up and I ended up falling for him. But now that we're together for a month, he turns out to be a completely paranoid controlfreak, like, in a really unhealthy way. He just won't leave me alone. I can ask him to give me some space, and he will verbally agree, but then he 'coincidentally' bumps into me, and I suspect him from checking up on me.

I know I need to leave him, but I don't think he'll let me. He will try to argue, he will beg and plead for another chance, and I'm afraid I'll just cave eventually and stay with him, since I still care for him. I'm afraid I just can't get rid of him.

What do I do?

Update:

I tried to leave him. He got violent. I'm staying with him now out of fear of what he'll do to me when I break up with him. Is there anybody else who has ever dealt with this issue? How did you go about it?

Are you living with this guy or what? There are options. You could pack your stuff and move in with a friend (or to a different shelter). You could call the police and tell them the situation. If you are already homeless then you could also probably find a different city to move to.

Ah yes, there is so much information missing here!

No, I'm not living with the guy. He just won't leave me alone. I've told the full detailed story in another topic of mine called "The one question you need to determine if a narcissist is a narcissist", but that's quite a wall of text.

Let's just say that he wouldn't leave me alone from the start. At first I didn't even like him when he started flirting with me. He then stopped making moves on me, but we got along very well. He gave me a kind of affirmation that was very addicting, and when I got sick he showed a kind of care and attention that I had always missed from my parents. I'm guessing a mix of daddy issues and stockholm syndrome occurred within me and I started to develop feelings for him. Of course he caught on those vibes and made another move. I told him I was confused, I needed more time and space to sort out my feelings, but he wouldn't give me time. He said I'd get all the time in the world, but kept coming on to me. Eventually I stopped defending myself and allowed him to touch and kiss me and ended up in a relationship with him.

I was actually happy for a while. When I got my own place he helped around the house with painting and other chores that needed to be done, and he paid things for me. He was kind and protecting to me. He was also very jealous, suspicious and controlling. We've had a lot of arguments in which I had to prove to him that I wasn't cheating on him.

For about a month we were together 24/7. Of course I eventually got tired of him. Not only that, something felt off. Whenever he'd do something for me, I found myself thinking thoughts like "This is how they do it... They lure you in with the chocolate, and when you take the bait and get dependant on them, they suck you dry..." or "He's manipulating me to want to prove to him how much I love him.... He's making sure I won't leave him..."

I knew the relationship wasn't healthy, I knew this from the start, but somehow I found myself unable to stop it. I knew he wasn't good for me, but I couldn't get myself to leave him. It was like that for a long time. The fact that he was around me ALL THE TIME also prevented me from sorting things out for myself, since I didn't want him to know that I was even so much as thinking about leaving him. I did ask him for some space and more time for myself, but he'd always find an excuse to come by. He'd come by because he forgot something. Or we had to have dinner together because otherwise I wouldn't be able to make ends meet financially. Or even that I had a hard time missing him too. He never allowed me to think for myself, so he wouldn't allow me to figure out if I wanted to leave him and how.

Eventually we had an argument about how suffocated I felt. As an example I told him I barely dared to invite my neighbour over for coffee because of what he'd think of that. He burst out in rage, accused me of having an affaire with my neighbour, and assaulted me. He grabbed me by my chin and pushed me down the couch. That was a wake up call for me. I knew he was an abuser, maybe even a sociopath, and that I had to leave him.

I started to educate myself about sociopathy and psychopathy for a couple of days, mostly to figure out how to leave him without him wanting to attack me again. I couldn't find anything, that's when I made this post. I was so frantic! I couldn't stand him anymore, yet I had to pretend that I still loved him! I really wanted to get rid of him, FAST. I wanted to know how to get him to leave me alone.

The appartment I'm currently living in is from a project. I'm getting guidance with living on my own, since my parents never taught me how to. So I talked with my personal guide about this, and we decided to have her with me when I broke up with him. Past monday I broke the news to him.

He doesn't understand. He's stalking me. He keeps calling and sending messages. Yesterday I was at the park with a friend of mine and I saw him riding by on his bicycle. I already informed the authorities of the situation. If anything happens, they'll be with me immediately when I call. This afternoon, after work, I'll call them again and see if I can get a restraining order.

Is there anything I'm missing? Anything else I can do?

OK so before I post this I want to caution you that I may not be the absolute best person to answer this question being that I have CPTSD myself and do not have any kind of psychology degree. That being said, there is such a lack of support generally for people who are struggling such as we are that I am going to give it a shot:

First of all, it sounds like there is a part of you that really likes this guy and wants him in your life. And it sounds like you are embarrassed or ashamed to admit that. I would say don't do that. It may benefit you to admit to yourself that there are some good qualities to him, yet the bad outweigh the good. Don't be in denial of your feelings. You may be upset that he is out of your life, at some degree. And it may be helpful for you to process that mess of feelings. You need to have it in your head that the answer is to stay out of contact with him as much as possible, and that the red flags that you have seen are a confirmation of that. It also may help to have it in your head that, as far as you are concerned, this is the end of the relationship. He is dunzo. As far as you are concerned, he is out of your life forever. This idea can help you fully grieve the relationship and also make it clear to him, if he does come around, that he isn't welcome.

Also, is there some reason that he is coming around where he feels like you haven't fully told him "no"? Or is he actually just that boundary breaking of a person who doesn't take a hard "no"? My best guess is the following (although I'm no expert):

If the former, make no effort to contact him, try to avoid him, and avoid prolonged contact with him. (For example, if you see him walking down the street, try to move to the other side of the street. If you happen to cross paths, try to walk by with a simple "hello" or something along those lines. Maybe even use your body language to make it clear that you don't want him coming near you.) If he continually messages you or calls you, make a decision to either not answer, block his number, or to flat out tell him that he is no longer welcomed in your life in any way, shape, or form (or combine more than one of those options). Figure out the best method for communicating to him that the relationship is actually over, whether that is gradually weening him off or a "we're done" text.

If the latter (he is a very boundary breaking person who doesn't take to a straightforward use of the word "no"), use the similar tactics to try to avoid him. It may be a good idea for you to carry around mace in case he does get close to you. Making sure that a lot of people close to you know your situation (authorities and friends), and doing everything that you can to protect yourself, are probably your two best options in that situation, (aside from maybe seeking refuge in a women's shelter or flat out moving). Do not answer the door if he comes to your house. Alert the police if he is there.

Now, having said all of that, there seems to be quite a bit of catastrophizing in your post. Just because he got in an argument with you and pushed you down on the couch doesn't necessarily mean he is an incredibly dangerous sociopath. He could have some other problem/be someone with narcissistic tendencies and a bit of a nasty fight response. My point is this: Is it a red flag/reason to end the relationship? YES. Does it mean he is going to murder you in your sleep? NO.

What it honestly sounds like to me, is that you were dating a guy who was very insecure and wounded (possibly fear of rejection/abandonment combo). He sounds to have a very low sense of self worth. A number of things are possible here. It could be that, in order to feel like he is a man worth dating, he takes on a ton of responsibility doing stuff around the house and tries to spend a lot of time with you. He may think that in order to get love he must be perfect at all things marked in his head as "manly", and if he does not succeed in doing that, then he isn't a man. He may be very scared of hearing that he is more of a burden than a help, and very scared that you will leave him for someone else (however rational/irrational that thought is). The idea of you leaving him for someone else may deeply threaten his perception of himself as a manly man.

It is also possible that his favors and gestures are completely superficial. That he is simply manipulating you in order to get something out of it, while simultaneously having wounds that make him have jealous and violent tendencies. Regardless of what kind of guy he is, he is probably not someone that would make your life better either way.

Now let me ask you this question. I think this may be the most important question of all. Are there other people that have relationships with this guy who do not seem to have the same effect on him? Is there something about you that drew him into the relationship in the first place? I bet, if you look around, that there are other people who treat that guy very differently and don't have exactly the same problems that you do with him. There may be a certain viewpoint of him or of relationships in general that has caused you to become entangled with him. There may be certain traits/qualities/characteristics about you specifically that are drawing him in. There may be some things that you are doing (or not doing) that have caused the relationship to stay in place. At the end of the day, this is a relationship that we are talking about. It isn't just him. It isn't just you. It is the combination of both of you that has kept the relationship together. What I would suggest you to do, is ask yourself the question: what is the way that a healthy, stable, adult would handle this situation? Sometimes the answers may be hard to hear, but sometimes the simplest, most obvious answer is the correct one.

I must say, blablah, that for someone without a phd you're quite accurate with your advice.

Before breaking up with him, I wrote the whole thing down for myself. What drew me to him was my addiction to the affirmation I got from him, mainly by me making jokes and him reacting positively to them. When we met, I was in a very vulnerable position. It starts with me being addicted to socializing and attention. That addiction does have its roots, probably in the way I was emotionally neglected during childhood, but I'll work on that as soon as I can get proper therapy (which appearantly you can't get when you don't have an address). I was staying at a homeless shelter, surrounded by people I had nothing in common with. Do you get the picture?

Addicted to social interaction and attention.

Surrounded by people. ALL THE TIME. And yet the interaction I had with them wasn't satisfying.

And then there he was, with his smooth talk, with his nice reactions to my jokes, with all the attention I so craved!

Not a very great combination.

It's like not having any real food available, living off of breadcrumbs all the time, which actually just keeps your stomach active so you end up only feeling more and more hungry, and then there's chocolate cake.

I think a normal, healthy person wouldn't have started the relationship to begin with. I think a healthy someone would have told him once that he needs to keep his distance, and when he wouldn't listen, go to his boss or at least take measures to keep him away. Why? Because what he did is creepy. It would creep them the fuck out and they would run for their lives.

I tried. God knows I've tried. I went to his boss and told her he was sexually harassing me the first time he started flirting. Back then I didn't like him, so that was an easy one. Then after dating him for a while I went to his boss again, in panic. I knew being with him wasn't good to me, but he already had his hooks in me so deep already I didn't know how to stop it myself. Everytime he invited me to the park I thought to myself 'Ok, I'm going to tell him that we need to stop, that I like him, but I need time and space to figure things out for myself', but everytime I ended up kissing him. So I frantically called for help. It didn't work. Once I went to my own place there was no one to keep him away and he wouldn't leave me alone. I say he had his hooks in me, of course by that I mean that I was addicted to his attention.

So yes, there used to be a part of me that wanted to stay with him. It was that part of me that kept me paralized, unable to make the decision to leave, even though I knew it was inevitable that I had to end it at some point.

But now my situation is different. I've got my own place. I got back in touch with my old friends. I got in touch with my new neighbours. I'm no longer surrounded by people whom I can only have superficial, unsatisfying contact with. Instead, I surround myself with people I can have meaningful conversations with. I can socialize when I want and I can take time for myself when I want. I'm back in control and I'm able to get my own needs met. That fact makes me able to let his attention go. His shallow, empty attention no longer outweighed his captivating, controlling, energy draining demands, and so I began to figure out a way to leave him. And when he got actually physically violent towards me is when all my empathy towards him dissappeared like POOF!

You also ask me what drew him in with me. I'm not quite sure actually. I asked him during the relationship, but he had no answer, except for that I was so incredibly sweet. But my theory is this:

I read that anti-socials fall for strong, flourishing women. If he is truely anti-social as I think he is, then he fell for the mask I was wearing in the homeless shelter.

I never wanted to look like I was homeless, I saw it as a challenge to still be fashionable even though I was homeless. During my time at the shelter I volunteered at a secondhand shop, which made it possible for me to buy the prettiest things for a very low price. I always looked my best and I had a very unique style, so I drew in quite some attention in general. And of course, by doing so, I got his attention too.

He was someone who always had the last word. Whenever someone would insult him (usually in a playful way), he'd always have a clever answer to it at hand. Not with me. When I'd insult him, or get back to a joke of his, he never had an answer. And even if he did, I would have an answer back on that one. I always won. I always had the last word. It could be possible that he let me have the last word on purpose of course, if he's an anti-social it could be one of his manipulation tactics. But I doubt it, he's not that clever. And if I did win every playful argument, then that's definetely a trait he fell for. It made me more of a challenge to win over.

Those jokes, playful insults, were also part of a mask by the way, towards others as well as towards myself. It was my way of asserting myself, my way of enjoying the fact that I no longer had to keep my mouth shut out of fear for the consequences. It was my way of showing, towards others as well as towards myself, that I was not one who could be messed with. It was my way of keeping myself safe, and making me feel safe.

But by nature I was also a stand-out. I had a style which was very unique. It only took me a week to figure out that volunteering at a secondhand shop was better than hanging on the streets all day, and had things taken care of quite well for myself. I never watched TV, I read books. I made drawings, I was very creative. I was social, I made friends, I made myself loved. When the weather was nice, I'd take friends for a walk so we could socialize in peace, not having to be afraid that other people could hear us, and not having to make such a big effort to hear each other in general (the TV was always really loud ). I was charming. I was pretty. I was funny. I was smart. I was opinionated. I was loud. I was assertive.

Man I feel like I'm bragging! Like, will the real narcissist please stand up? Joke.

Anyway, typing all this down about myself, I realize that I do have something special that anyone could fall for. I've got a lot that can be admired. But in the case of anti-socials and narcissists, I'm exactly the type they fall for.

The fact that I'm strong and flourishing makes me a delightful challenge. The fact that I'm an empath and still have a tendency to put others above myself makes it possible for them to bend, break and mold me into an object that can be controlled and made use of, and my daddy issues are perfect leverage.

Something else pops up just now. The main difference between the people from the shelter that seem healthy to me, and myself, is that I engaged with the homeless world. I interacted with people. I did chores around the shelter. In the weekends I'd be the bar lady. I laughed with the guests. I laughed with the managers. I invested. The other ones who seemed healthy to me didn't. They had a job, they came there to eat and sleep and that's all they did there. They were clearly protecting themselves from any bad influences or risky people. By nature. And while those people probably saw that there was real risk and danger lurking around, I was just starving for social interaction and attention so much so, that I didn't filter who I wanted to interact with. Any interaction would do.

So I guess the conclusion is that I need to work on my self-sacrificing habits and my unmet emotional needs.

Update: On facebook, he posted pictures on my timeline of himself in my home by the window. In other words, he wants to show me that he can get in anytime he wants. Or so I think.

I called the police, but there's nothing they can do. It could be that he made those pictures some other day when he was here, they say. I told them he used to take my keys with him to run for an errand, and that he could have copied my keys without my knowing. They said there was nothing they could do, since he still hasn't officially done anything against the law. The advice is to change the locks (which I will do of course).

I have blocked him on facebook. I first decided not to, so I could gather evidence, but this is taking a toll on my mental health.

I also had my personal guide e-mail his personal guide (yes, he has one too), to have a talk with him about it. Like that will change anything... But oh well...

I hope you're right, blahblah, and that I'm not truely in any real danger. I can block him so he can't digitally harass me anymore, but he can still look me up physically of course...

Oh wow. That is disturbing. Sorry to hear that. Yeah changing the locks is a good bet. At least cops know that you are going through this and can be on alert. On another note you could also get a dog as protection. Or an alarm system.

Definitely be cautious and change the locks but remember that we like to catastrophize with the CPTSD. He may just be trying to rope you into the relationship again with old photos. It may not be a "hey I'm in your house" threat type of deal.

They're not old photos. They are mainly from the view from my window, and the two that are of himself don't display a happy face. He looks angry, and dangerous. They were obviously specifically made to show me something. He's not the calculating type to make such photos when he's still permitted to come around, only to be able to threaten me with them if I ever dared to leave him, so he must have done it after the break up.

Oh by the way, when I broke up with him, he insisted on getting his stuff from my appartment (some clothes from painting and two screwdrivers). Another attempt to get to talk to me alone. I sent him up together with my guide and refused to go with him, so I waited in the office for my guide to return. It could be that my guide waited by the door and hasn't seen what he was doing. He might have taken the pictures then.

I'll ask her about it tomorrow.