hoovering / angry shpeal

ugh. f*ck. he just reached out and is trying to talk to me again via email. I thought I had blocked him already. he said "I miss you, wish we could talk. and I hope you don't think I'm a 'stalker' for reaching out, I just care about you"

You know what.. I call LOAD OF BULL SH*T. Where I'm from we call this a "load of baloney" this is what I wish I could say, I wish I could tell him to f*ck off and go die because I literally hate him. Last time we texted I *did* actually tell him that I literally hate him and never want to talk to him again, (granted I did say 'sorry I'm being such a b*tch about it' because I felt guilty after) but what about that says "please continue to try to reach out to me" NOTHING. nothing about that says that.

He treated me like sh*t for three and a half solid years when all I wanted was a real relationship, he twisted my mind and my thoughts and made me hate myself and hate him and his whole family. It's funny how he thinks it's not stalking to repetitively contact me and try to make me feel bad, he "misses" me, well too f*cking bad. I miss my joy and good feelings. I miss having friends, I miss the person I was before all of this horrible sh*t happened, but she's dead and gone forever. Now I have to put on a good face to continue my "normal life" but honestly I feel like rage-quitting literally everything. *table flip* yelling "I'm done f*ck everything!" does anyone else feel like this or is it just me?

If I said anything it would be the same sh*t, that I "wasn't an angel either" blah blah blah, I never claimed to be perfect. All I did was call him an asshole when he was literally being an asshole, I didn't try to warp his reality like he did to me, I just can't handle this. I hate his innocent game, victim mentality, he's an asshole, plain and simple. I'm never dating again, never leaving my house again.

I wonder how long he's going to be doing this to me for, why can't he just move on and get a f*cking life, I literally hate him. If he really cared about me he would leave me alone, and he wouldn't have been a jerk to me in the first place. I'm not going to respond because maybe then it will stop faster, but I'm really really mad, and also sad. Thanks for the guilt trip bro, thanks for the nightmares dude, thanks for literally nothing scum of the earth! Then I get to feel guilty about feeling this angry in like five minutes I'm sure.

Okay, I think I'm done. Time to eat something, like my own dead-ass soul. This is a fight response right?

well I just found out a bunch of people's houses are being flooded right now so basically I'm a terrible person! I'd really like to stop being a terrible person just because I'm bothered by an "I miss you" email. does being angry make me a terrible person? maybe saying "go die" in my head does.. what can I do really though. ugh. totally derailed. a few steps backwards.

Answering my own questions because I feel bad about it. Anger is pretty normal probably, I'm not that mad anymore, I ended up hanging some string lights and putting a couple nails in the wall made me feel better. Also my "dead-ass soul" looks like shrimp fried rice apparently, haha.

I didn't respond, he was seeking a reaction from me and is probably just feeling sorry for himself because he messed up and did a bunch of mean stuff to me. I *knew* it was mean, and when I called him out on it (during the relationship) he pretended that what I was asking for, to be treated respectfully, was crazy, when it was totally normal for a healthy person.

I think if these things hadn't happened to me, I'd be a totally normal well adjusted person, and I can imagine what that would've been like and work to get to that place, though it's probably not going to be exactly the same as it would have been if I had a loving family, etc..

The houses flooding, that is unfortunate, it isn't my fault though and it doesn't make me a bad person because I was mad about someone trying to gaslight me at the same time a flood happened. Next time I will try and journal this to keep it from leaking into the outside world, but it should be understandable because these things happened not that long ago and I'm still within about a month of traumatic life events and changes. Okay, thanks..

Sorry for posting again, I just feel really terrible. I think I'm in a flashback, I just don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for the things I've done, my inner critic voice sounds the same as my own voice, can't even tell the difference. I'm trying to understand why certain things happened, I think it was my fault that the patterns kept repeating, I just couldn't walk away. Now that I have I'm totally alone, I've lost everyone.. Then I think maybe that's what I deserve. I can't reason my way out of the self hate, he wasn't that bad a guy before he met me, I just wish I could've been smarter and walked away when I realized his behavior was bothering me but I didn't. Not until it was way too late. At least I'm finally crying though, and I found a therapist. So I'll try that one more time, I just feel like.. I'll never be able to forgive myself.

I was there for a while too with the rants in my head and the seemingly never ending anger. You should try reading "the power of now" by eckhart tolle. Pretty much mindfulness brought me out of that state after like 2 years of constant pain. You may be so used to the pain by now that you don't realize what it is like to not be in it. Also if you can get out of contact with him completely it is probably a good idea. If you can just get to the present moment and get your mind off of him for a while, focus on your breathing and the noises around you to the point where your thoughts completely stop, you can actually get back to a better psychological state and it basically changes everything. Much, much, more clarity of thought. Emotionally it is much more calm. A better position to deal with this stuff than the overwhelming feelings that all of these thoughts are causing. Also helps with changing the inner critic in your mind when you are actually able to monitor your thoughts.

Thanks, I'll add that book to the list. I've been trying to dissociate less and focus on what I'm doing in the present moment, very difficult. I'm not in contact with my ex at all, this was the last email he sent and now is blocked. So.. we'll see, I'm still kind of depressed off that last email because it made me miss him after the initial anger because it makes me doubt what actually happened. I'm no contact though still.