it's happening **trigger warning** do not read if highly sensitive

Well, I've been doing okay, I got the rest of the course material downloaded and am going through my core values and other work, it's kind of relaxing just writing through this stuff and I like learning about how it turns out I wasn't alone and there's still hope for me.

My dreams came back.. unfortunately in nightmare form, I woke up screaming and crying which was weird, I guess this is when the ptsd part of it starts. But that's also a sign that my brain is changing and there are things moving around in there. I don't mind getting upset but it worries my dog, idk if that's a weird thought, or just an excuse to feel guilty about feeling bad. He's probably okay, he forgets in five minutes.. totally doesn't seem to even notice that my ex or his cat are gone now, same old tail wag, so that's good. He was always super bonded/imprinted on me only anyway, didn't do the best job socializing him :/ cause I was maybe.. 20 when I got him and also still in school at the time, he's almost 9 now, at least I kept him and did my best taking care of him, I have a real issue making sure I never abandon anything/one.. He's also therapeutic for me, so I kind of consider him a therapy dog, he likes to lick my tears because of the salt, lol.

Luckily no one has approached him yet though and I pick him up if kids are nearby so there isn't a huge issue..also so far whenever there are other ppl around he just stares at them and hasn't been lunging or anything at them so that's somewhat of a relief.. he really hates my g-parents though. haha kind of ironic.. or because they're abusive? they've like, jokingly threatened to kill him and kick him and stuff, because he doesn't like them and will snap at them, I wonder why! I find that really fucked up and I always tell them not to say things like that but they still do... he also barks out of fear not aggression.. I don't bring him around there that much. Glad I found an apartment and didn't just move back there like I thought I was going to have to..

Did end up getting stuck with bills my ex kind of just pretended didn't exist and left me to pay everything.. they also ended up paying rent super late if they paid it at all, but neither of my checks have been cashed yet so who knows.. (that's what the bs text was about the other day.. she always lied anyways, they were both such liars.. it really bothers me) Turns out one of my core values is honesty!  My back has been hurting though, I know why too, it sucks I stayed long enough to let that happen, he would have probably eventually killed me though which is really scary too. I might have chronic pain from this relationship for the rest of my life, it's already been over a year and my back still hurts. there are scars on my feet and my hands where he grabbed me because he never cut his nails and they would scratch me. broken capillaries on my neck where he choked me..it only happened a couple times but apparently I deserved it.. don't remember what it is that I did that triggered him. but I look in the mirror and I see them blatantly.. scars I'm going to have forever because I let someone in who was hurting me, there were signs that we weren't going to get along that I totally ignored.

I really hate that I've already had someone ask me why I stayed for so long and it's like... what was I supposed to just stay with him forever to avoid those stupid questions? because I was brainwashed, because I didn't think I deserved better, because no one would ever believe me anyway, especially based on his fragile seeming persona, I never got any proof or took any pictures of the physical stuff, he would just say that I provoked it all somehow which might be true.. but you still shouldn't choke someone or be physical with them.. now I just have to live with the fact that I'll never get justice and my self respect has been totally ruined.. really sucks.
I think I'm flashing back though, I'm going to continue to journal now.. everything really is fine.. they don't have my new address, no one knows where I live at all, it feels safer.

(sorry there should be trigger warnings on like, all of this, so trigger warning. )

Another thing I really hate is how people have made me clarify that there *wasn't* physical abuse, basically making me lie to their faces and then have them say "oh good thats a relief"... well I'm so glad that *youre* relieved that I just f*cking lied to you to make it easier and for you to feel better, now I get to feel this horrible silent pain that no one in my life will ever understand or know about.

And it's like, okay so what if I said yes? what exactly are you going to do for me then? force me to file some bs police report with literally no evidence years/months/okay maybe also just a few weeks ago.. that's just going to be fuel basically for this person to come after me probably, while also having an unstable mental health history record... yeah f*ck that, I'm not doing that. I just want to move on. what about the next girl or victim? idk.. hopefully she's smarter than me. maybe next time I'll just be smarter. having to lie to people about it sucks though and no one would have the reaction I need even if I said anything. Idk what that is even.

Sorry those last posts got so dark, I've been keeping that stuff to myself for a while and it's never helped me. I get that it was kind of my fault by sticking around and by not wanting to get him in trouble I just like... perpetuated this terrible thing. I think if it ever were to happen again, hopefully I'd be strong enough to call the cops or just find a way to leave.

The problem was that it happened so gradually, and started by me slapping him first, then him using that as an excuse time and time again to be physical with me, "well remember that time you hit me?!" and I'd be like.. yeah you're right I guess I did, plus he never hit me just did other things..I guess he did hit me one time but it wasn't in the face, basically it was all justified because he didn't ever punch me in the face, which is pretty fucked up. I'm starting to feel better again, it's very up and down up and down, I feel better when my projects make progress. So it's good for me to have these projects to work on, but I can tell I'm repeating these things in my head and just need to find a way to be still and just exist. I would really like to be okay with existing! When my projects go bad I get kind of, uhh.. "my life is over" ish.. my life isn't really over, it's just a road bump, like everyone else has. Just a time for problem solving.

It worries me that if I let this happen once, now twice, it will just keep happening.. That's what the courses are for. I hope that after some time eventually I'll be able to reassure myself.. I think I have some reassurance seeking traits, not sure if that's bad or normal.

The courses are reassuring, I'd like to think Richard would actually care what happens to me, but then again.. I'm just another cog in the machine, we're still total strangers, and he's just another person! A person with a lot more knowledge and experience than me though..his courses really are the only thing that's helped to start the healing process so far, but I'm trying to mix it up with some comedy and not feeling too bad about everything.. at least I'm trying and not just jumping into the next relationship again like last time. I guess he wouldn't have made the courses at all if he didn't care about the people who end up listening to them, maybe not on a personal level but in the sense that.. there's someone out there who is trying to help people like me.

Why do I need other people to care so much, why can't I just care about myself.. I'm not sure.
There probably are a few people who do actually care about me on a personal level and I'm possibly unable to feel cared about, that really hurts too, the idea that maybe I'll never feel loved or cared about, even if there *are* people who care.. does that even matter though.. My issues are getting existential, they are falling beyond the scope of what a forum can probably do for me, I think I'm going to just take some time away now and try to work these things out for a while inside of myself and by writing and doing the coursework, I hope the fact that I was able to physically remove myself from the situation in a way is a positive end to this thread/story and now it's just about working out my head. Thoughts are just thoughts, ideas are just ideas, people are people.. and things are just things.. There's something better out there for me though, it's going to be okay.

Reading these last posts. I understand and think you are making a lot of sense in everything you say and agree with the choices you are making. I also believe you will do better and have good chances of a future that is much different from the past. I won't start commenting on specific things as it's not really needed; you've got it covered. So, now that you decided to stop writing and updating, I just want to wish you the very best, again, and say thank you for sharing. Much happiness on your travels.