it's happening **trigger warning** do not read if highly sensitive

Well, things are quickly happening. I decided to try one more time, I confronted him and asked him direct questions about our relationship or if he was willing to compromise anything to try to make it better..
He said no in a lot of words, got mad immediately, was not willing to talk at all, I can't believe for how long this has been going on..
He told me he wasn't going to "break or cater to my needs" he'd also say things like, he's not going to coddle me or try to make me feel better because it's "not his job", I was asking him if we could make dinner together more often or do things occasionally outside of the house. He turned the entire conversation around into me thinking his hobbies are dumb and thinking that his going back to school is stupid and etc etc etc... I was totally silent and he's just going on saying things like "you think this.. I know you feel this.." and so I just said, okay.. so I guess there isn't much for me to work with here.

I tell him that I feel like he's being mean to me and he doesn't see how I would think that.. then finally he admits that his life is easier being stern and not being in touch with his emotions, and that he doesn't like having close emotional connections with people because he doesn't like opening up and it's "only led to bad things"... so I'm like.. okay... you know that isn't going to work for me and he just like.. yeah gave me nothing.. he was just really mean.. Something else weird that happened was I asked him if he was going to be okay, if we broke up, because I was worried about him.. and he just like laughed.. and said if that's whats keeping you here you don't have to worry about that at all... ouch. okay then.

I still feel kind of bad though because I don't think he wants to treat other people badly, that's just what happens when you refuse to connect with another person and continually fuck with them and push and pull them around.. like what else was I supposed to do? He said a lot of confusing things and then told me that I wasn't making sense when I was just repeating my main point over and over..he told me that I can't stand to be alone.. ugh.. why would anyone do this to another person.

He also said things like I wasn't acting interested the past two weeks.. (?) and like, maybe I was grey fox/wolf/stoning him a little bit, whatever the phrase is, because yeah I can see through his bullshit now. But every time I try to talk to him it's the same exact thing, at least it didn't get super bad, but I'm a little worried.. So I told him I'd still pay for my rent for the next month and he was like surprised that I was talking about moving out, but it seems like at least we both decided it's going to finally end. I'm not going to have a bed and I'll be sleeping on the floor of some shitty studio apartment but... idk.. I hope this means I can have a good life.

I tried to leave once before before we were even living together and he ended up begging for me to come back and promised he'd never make me feel like that again, and I lost out on my security deposit I had made and yeah that was fucked up... I totally fell for it because I really wanted it to be true.. Idk what's "wrong" with him or if we're just not compatible but it's definitely ending.. hopefully I can be strong enough to go through with it and I also have a lot going on in my professional life so this is very scary right now. I'm also really scared to tell my g-parents that it's ending, I think they'll eventually understand but at first they'll probably be confused and upset to..

yep... it's already happening... we had agreed on sleeping arrangements, I get the bed because it's too soft for his recent injury from a fender bender, so he's been sleeping on the couch anyway for the past few weeks.. I had finally turned off the light to go to sleep and all the sudden I hear the bathroom door slam, jolting me up and I like, started crying immediately because why the fuck would anyone slam the door in the middle of the night..
So I turn the light on and sleep with the light and my glasses on..
He tries to come in a couple hours later.. I think this is usually how it happens because just says "I'm sorry" and i'm like okay. But I just sat up and stared at him and asked him what he was doing. He left.. Ugh.. why is it so fucking terrifying? He told me that he's scared of *me* because I "act like a bitch every day"...

he also accuses me of not taking responsibility for my behavior, and whenever he does this I list about 10 different things I could work on to improve my life, he won't say one.
So I'm looking for cheap apartments, I have to move cities too.. it's a complicated situation but it's about an hour away so this makes it hard, the place I'm in is too small and I'm not from here, everyone knows each other..

So yeah now he's texting me being like "we should talk later" and... I'm just saying that we've talked about this a lot, both have decided we "aren't compatible" and "want different things".... he's going to say he'll do everything I want now, when yesterday it was "I will never give you what you want and you're finally starting to see it, ahaha" like a crazy person. Now he's saying things like he wants to talk about our relationship, I asked him what about and now he's like "about us, what else could it be about.." like.. I thought it would be about making sure I clean or pay my bills.. he told me yesterday he will never ever want to talk about the relationship.. that's something I want to do like, once a month or even twice a month in a genuine nice friendly way? Don't people talk about their futures and small goals and like..what do they want to do together and shit. it's so fucking frustrating.

Now he's going to tell me everything I want to hear and I'm going to have to walk away from this clearly broken person. I hope he just ices me out, I hope he just discards me.. I'm just reminding him what we talked about and that it wasn't working out, he wasn't happy either.  Actually I have no idea what he was thinking, feeling, or anything.. I am not sure if I really know who he is. This could also all be a lie, he's just fucking with me.

I had an apartment contact me already but it's not until June 1 and it was the most expensive one... so Idk I'm trying to find something immediate it's just hard, I have a dog, and a lot of stuff. Now he's just like.. why won't you agree to talk to me and I've already said I would? I'm talking to him now? I've tried "talking to him" over and over and over... **These are all very bad signs aren't they**

I'm wondering now if the best thing to do is just lie... I tried having an open discussion with him, I tried telling him exactly what it was I felt was missing from our relationship and gave him plenty of chances... now that I'm being firm about wanting to move out and end things because I'm not happy he's panicking, saying he wants to leave work and stuff and... yeah.. it's not good, this coming from the same person who last night said that he will never ever give me what I want or try to have an emotional connection with me..

Then today he's blaming his stubbornness and being all surprised that I'm sticking with what was actually said... I'm worried though, this might cause him to fly off the handle or potentially harm me or my things, so.. maybe I should just pretend like it's going to be fine? then quietly slip out during the day sometime in the coming weeks after I've slowly gotten rid of or moved my things.. I could blame the Konmari Method... that seems really harsh, and that's how my birth mother left me multiple times (not the konmari method she just dipped), it's very hard for me to do that because I know how shitty it feels..

But he's admitting that he's "too stubborn" but at the same time making me feel incredibly guilty for not wanting to be with someone who will plainly admit that he will never give me anything I want..

Sorry if this seems really dramatic for me to continually post this stuff here but I really just need an outlet.

Yes, I realize all the points you're making obviously, living in a tent or my car is definitely not safe or a real option for me since i'm an attractive 100pound walking target living in an area where gun violence is very prevalent.. and my entire livelihood depends on my internet connection/electronics/being able to work and earn $$ so I *don't* have to live in a tent for the rest of my life... but thanks..

I actually have the means to move out, it's a psychological block mostly because he keeps flip flopping every time I try to leave and just shpeals out whatever it is that he's been doing wrong. I can't tell if maybe he's just immature and dealing with his problems in an unhealthy way or if he actually is trying to manipulate me.. He's actually showing a lot of signs of BPD which is weird because that's what I'm supposed to have.

So now he's promised to try it my way, exercise, eating right, getting sleep, doing things that people are supposed to be doing in order to be healthy..it's AMAZING how quickly someone will falsely turn around when they realize you're serious. So yeah I'm guessing it'll last like, a very short time and then I'll be able to move out when I'm less busy and when it won't destroy my life... I've waited four years, two more weeks is whatever.

not looking for any more advice just documenting my experience because I'm a human being and it's my right to do so, and in case anyone reading wants to find out how this turns out.

Okay.. I'm still trying to find a place. Right now I'm just frozen, bought one of the courses and it's really made me reconsider the fact that I'm not as smart as I thought I was, like I can't outsmart him or people like this and I'm actually really really naive. He's been treating me a lot worse than I thought he was..I thought he was a covert narc but some of these things he's doing are just... really overtly bad. It's also been tough because I have some of these traits, like I've done a lot of these things you're not supposed to do as well, more so when I was younger but they've come out in this relationship.

Basically the only difference between us is that once I realized the behavior I tried really hard to get help, where as he's actively trying to exploit me even if he doesn't see it. Realizing I've been in a string of these relationships.. what the fuck is wrong with me. It started when I was very young, I almost married into a cult when I was 18, got out of that though luckily.. This could all be much worse, it could be a lot harder, I don't really want to hear from other people how "lucky I am" right now though I still feel really pissed off, really fucking sad, just, stupid sad and angry. Maybe a little relieved that I'm probably not a bad person, yes I'm grateful it's not worse though.. at least I don't have or even want kids just a little dog baby.

The problem is this is just the tip of the iceberg, once he's gone it's not like i'm just going to automatically feel better, my "origin story" is pretty fucked up and terrible as well, it's never been dealt with just shoved deep deep deep down. I don't have many people I can trust, can count about 3 or 4 more of these toxic people surrounding me, they've all convinced me that it's me who is the problem and in some ways it is... but in some ways like, how could they have made me like this..  how did I let this happen, you know? He told a bunch of people I was hitting him... a huge twist on what actually happened.. he'd provoke me to the point of rage with just verbally abusing me over and over, then when I tried to slap him and missed, basically every time I ever tried to slap him I'd miss or just punch him on the arm. this is still really really wrong and I haven't done it in a long time, now when he's yelling or calling me names I just accept it..someone yelling in my face will provoke me to want to slap them apparently.. but he'd use this as fuel to "defend himself".. I don't want to say it just got really bad.  Over a year ago I had a back injury that was so bad I had to lie about it while I was on the couch for over 6 weeks, he would complain about having to do literally anything for me so I would like, painfully drag myself around and learned how to function with what Im pretty sure now was a fairly serious injury. never got it looked at, it's still fucked up actually..I'm really fucking upset that I let this happen.

The month is ending I can just go, it's going to be really fucking scary, I have a huge aversion to this kind of pain. It's caused me to stay in multiple bad situations for too long. I didn't even want to start the course when I saw it a few months ago because I knew it would make me feel like.. yeah.. my whole fucking life is a lie because it is. I think my hobbies are genuine at least, I don't have the same social media disorder people have my age, I like big crazy projects because it keeps me busy and I like learning stuff.. idk. Maybe I'm not as bad as I thought I was.

It's going to be really hard to walk away, he's guilt tripping me really hardcore. But I was serious when i tried to break up with him, by guilt tripping me into staying that's not genuinely being with someone, he's not being honest and I don't think he ever has been..

The weird part about this is he's "dumped" me before.. in a way that caused me to cry and want to lay in bed for three days, which is also kind of just how I grieve as a person.. The last time was right before my birthday, so it was like.. extra traumatizing, I was already sad about not being able to celebrate my life in any way really.

So I was crying in bed, I was kind of like why now because it was really bad timing, why can't he just make up his mind, and the things he says are terrible, like I'm always going to be alone, no one will ever love me because of how fucked up I am, etc.. so.. yeah.. I think my crying was a normal response to that. But then at some point he just came back, apologized.. convinced me somehow that it was just like "whatever" and continue to just have shitty experiences.

But yeah. none of that matters any more, I'm actually starting to look forward to getting out of here. I feel kind of bad for him, but hopefully some day he just seeks help and figures his shit out, there's nothing I can do for him and I see that now. I can only try to help myself.. Occasionally I feel a dark despair of loneliness which is what has been keeping me here, when I start seeing nothing in my future, but I'm trying to visualize something more positive.

I'm going through this overt/covert narcissism course... it's really eye opening right now.. some of these techniques I started to do naturally but lacked information/knowledge.. going to actually also be doing the konmari method along with the Spartan self-help while I finish my big project this week,  because part of how I'm disempowered is the amount of belongings I have, less things, easier to move. Looking into a storage locker in town so maybe I could move things over there then fit everything else in my car..

Where I got derailed last time is the gap between moving and not moving, he had the chance to tell me everything I wanted to hear and he did it again but I think I know deep down the dynamic structure will always revert to the same thing.
The other way I'm disempowered is location, away from friends and family, I could move within this town much easier than getting back to my original location, but I can see how that would be something that contributes to being unhappy on my own, and he'll just find me..
I've been journaling since I was a kid, now looking back in my diaries I was brainwashing myself trying to tell myself that if I could just "get better" then it would stop. In multiple different situations..

Even if he *does* really see what happened was wrong, it doesn't matter because I don't think I'm that attracted to him anymore, I don't think what I'm feeling is love, I think it's fear, denial, sadness, feeling bad for him because maybe even if he doesn't mean to do those things it's still happening, but he's told me when he let his guard down that he *does* think really mean things, and thinks he might be a bad person, and I wouldn't understand because I'm not that type of person... I have no idea what he's talking about and that really scares me. You can break up with someone for any number of small reasons, you don't even need a good reason..

The part that's hard right now is he's acting innocent, sad, fragile, but it's a fucking lie.. he's still broken like three promises he made within the first 48 hours. He's just totally unaware of his actions, the affect he has on other people, and following every impulse he has, so I'm like, shutting myself off from him, limiting our conversations, I'm basically lying to him now.. it sucks.. but this is what it's going to take...

Hello again, I'm just venting... I think it will get better in time I'm just going through a lot of different feelings right now. This guy I'm with is really clean so he actually thanked me when he noticed me cleaning and throwing out old things... granted I am kind of messy, but I've always wanted and talked about going minimal anyway so. Actually he even suggested I get a storage unit, he must really not like seeing my things? or he knows what I'm doing and is being nice and giving me an out... probably not likely.
The cheapest/most sane option right now seems like looking for an apartment for the start of the month and just trying to move it all at once, I actually don't think I have enough things I want to genuinely keep for a whole storage unit, though it is a possibility if I go with the motel option, there is also a pet friendly motel but that feels too temporary, I don't like having an unstable home base to get to things from, plus leaving my dog crated in a motel on the days I'm going to have to be gone for a few hours seems like something they don't generally like.
Hopefully I can talk a landlord into trusting me..

Another day another day... I have an apartment viewing on Wednesday, it's a studio..I also emailed a bunch of other places, tomorrow I'm going to call places... it's going to happen, I can definitely get a place.

Once in a while I get really nervous though, that maybe I won't go through with it in the end just like last time. But last time I didn't know that much about this stuff and I had no way to see what was going on, it was just nice that he was being nice. Like he's being nice now, but it's fake. And I keep telling myself that it's fake, this is not what I want here. Even without factoring in the abusive behavior that's gone on, I still don't want to be here, so there isn't much more to say.
I hope he eventually accepts it and just gets on with his life. It's weird because he's going into criminology now and is starting to read books about serial killers, wants to minor in psychology.... ummm okay...byeee....

What would you take with you if your life was on fire?

-dog. -some books -clothes for decency -my computer/hard drives -instruments -art supplies
OKay, you know... it's not going to be that bad. At least I have the things I want for what I imagine is a "good" life.. I'm going to be closer to a place I can take dance classes, I'm going to be closer to people I have things in common with, going to be closer to the events I was making money at anyway, going to be closer to food... I could actually get sushi.. I could actually partake in the things that I feel make life *good*...Something else I should probably do is eat more and work out, I've lost a lot of weight.. I really want to gain like, 20lbs...

Not looking forward to the feelings of lonliness.. the fear of being lonely is what has basically kept me here, he says things to make sure that pops up in my head..but I'm going through the hypno therapy every day and I think it helps, the things he's describing are what's happening to me.

My boyfriend.. ex... would say that I'm gaslighting him when I was just asking him for things that I wanted..things that I'm pretty sure are normal things to ask for and he just kept telling me they weren't over and over..
I don't think that's what gaslighting is... telling me that gaslighting is setting boundaries and asking for what I want is really fucked up, that really fucked with my head... Esp. since the guy before *him* did the exact same thing. that guy lived off me completely and ended up taking five thousand dollars from me over time.. which he said he would pay back but never did obviously, and he's still talking shit about me online which sucks and made a bunch of people thinks that I'm crazy. Occasionally emotionally unstable, sure.. I also really need to stop dating (in general) but guys who are younger than me.. this has been a factor I'm pretty sure, I tend to attract younger guys because I look younger, maybe that will stop now that I'm almost 30. Or I need to project something more mature.. I've been acting pretty young too.

He kept saying thigns like, well if you can afford to take care of me then isn't that being selfless and generous? like...whatttt. Why did he have no urge for self sufficiency. Why do I fall for people lying to my face over and over when their behavior is clearly doing something else once I forgive them..
It's my goats they are after which is really unfortunate, I tried to give people the benefit of the doubt and just trust them.

I also work in music, idk. I hope I'm not getting too close to my real identity.. anyone who knows me would be able to flesh out this is me by now, at this point I'm not sure if I give a fuck.
Anyway, the music industry is terrible, I started music because I needed a way to deal with my feelings, it's been a great outlet for me, but it also causes people to try to just..immediately exploit me. I'm also listening to my songs and they are all about being a codependent. damn.

So like.. yeah.. I have the urge to delete all my music and do something else but I'm resisting that because I'm still getting paid a little for it and I want to be self sufficient, and as a person we all evolve and the messages in my songs will evolve and hopefully in the future it's more positive.. or possibly even without words because I'm starting to just like doing instrumentals.

Thanks for reading this stream of consciousness

"It's not me, it's you"
"I did the konmari method and realized you just don't spark joy in my life"

Hello again. I'll try to stop apologizing for posting because obviously that's what it was meant for..
Really up and down, grey stoning the ex while cleaning up all my things and deciding what to take, I contacted my friend who lives in town and I'm seeing her the same day I'm seeing the apartment. So that way I have more than one reason to be in town, and I'll probably tell her what's going on, she also had a "bad break up" and said she's enjoying being single now, and.. she also seems like the most sane person I know right now.
I also need to quit smoking weed, that's another way he's been keeping me around because he's been helping me get it.. and also how I get involved with certain people... like once I buy from them I have to hang out with them or meet their sketchy friends.. Luckily I'm not on any other drugs, except an e-cig a few times a week that keeps me from smoking real cigarettes..When I was away for the weekend I didn't smoke pot and I did okay, slight headache, but yeah I think I was more clear headed. Maybe it's just that my moderation sucks.
Anyway I've been getting rid of a lot of stuff, it feels better.. I've been going through a lot of emotions going through everything and alternating between being happy and relieved to sad and angry and knowing i'm still going to miss my ex even after all this bullshit that happened. I still want him to be happy..
The step I always had trouble with in the grieving process was acceptance. I always got stuck on the mad or the sad..but I feel like I might have a chance now.
Also for some comedic relief I've been watching the unbreakable kimmy schmidt which I'm finding actually really funny and relatable..I like how optimistic she is and I feel like that kind of right now except for the short bouts of crying.. which I'm also hiding from him right now.. I know TV is not the best thing but I only watch a couple times a week now.. part of the self compassion? I can feel my adrenaline is elevated, it's going to be really really hard. Just need to pull the plug on it..I might be leaving a couple pieces of furniture behind that he has to deal with in some way..nothing big, a couple small desks and some shelves, maybe he'll use it.. I feel guilty about it and like it's irresponsible though.. going through my things is weird, its a lot of weird random shit that I've had for like, several years.. I'm a little hoardy.

So I could have keys to a new place in as short as two days.. still going to call a bunch of places tomorrow because it would be better to have more options. I like how this place looks a lot, it has everything I need and I checked the crime map, it's in a quiet area.
I'm starting to really hope that I get it, also really don't want to feel let down, but I'll see my friend and talk to her, she has a therapist.. maybe I could find a therapist to see through her.. actually she told me her sister was diagnosed with NPD and she was learning about boundaries.. so..it's basically the potentially perfect friendship because she must know what I went through on some level. I'll feel out the situation..

Idk, seeking help before was rough man.. that shit was brutal, I got hospitalized for almost no reason, just for stating the fact that I felt like I needed help..that was really scary. then they heavily medicated me and I was in a room for three days, they told me I was borderline.. what the fuck. The people I met in there were nice to me though, they were really decent people, it was a weird experience...the staff threatened me with police twice.. I had asked to leave at one point and they said I could try to check myself out but they would arrest me and take me to the public hospital instead of the nice one I was at apparently.. Why are they threatening people with police like that? that made no sense.. I wasn't acting out, wasn't crying, I was actually really calm through that whole thing, and the drugs were pretty good tbh I sought out benzos after that. That really messed up my record for a while though, it was nine years ago so it's kind of just dropped off, it was on the health insurance paper trail..

So I'm having a hard time trusting the therapists.. but if I call them over the phone and ask if they treat even maybe... regular ptsd that could help. I always thought it was more like ptsd than a chemical problem.. but I'm also thinking I might be able to do a self help method.. mega dose myself with the hypo tracks, get more of the courses, found the DBT book might as well do that too.. I'm trying to just prepare anything I can really..
It's hard downsizing but I feel so weighed down with all of my stuff, I really think/hope if I can be strong enough to get through this it'll be better on the other side..

He decided to take the bed I'm just staying up because he's going to like, try to cuddle with me or something when 4 days ago he told me he would never ever give me what I want, remember.. and it's true. he's physically attracted to me but all I've been this whole time is a "trophy girlfriend" of some kind.  starting to figure out what happened here but not quite fully.. on some level I feel like it was my fault and I'm worried I'm a bad person. By what I'm about to do it makes me a bad person, when.. he should have seen this coming if he hasn't already, I tried to do it normally and he wouldn't accept it.
He's young though.. plenty of time to get over it and figure his shit out..

what about me though.. idk. I haven't experienced life in a truly positive way yet, I haven't ever had the chance to find out who I am really as a person.  my ex before this ex made me throw away my passport too which really sucks. There's a lot of stuff I want to do, places I want to go. Life is really short and I don't want to wait anymore. It's also really close to the anniversary of my friend/classmate getting shot and that makes me sad as well, he was a good person and didn't deserve to die. Its kind of like, everything comes up at once and I haven't even fully experienced the grief of it yet because I've been shoving it down for so long.. and now I'm hiding everything from a person that I'm living with..

luckily I had the next two weekends booked and have to travel so even if the apt takes a little longer, I won't have another weekend like this one and he's going back to work tomorrow.. when I'm going to purge my belongings even more.. Is it wrong to not tell him what's happening? I was told I need to lie. he has definitely done damage when he's upset I should probably just lie and figure out the guilt of it later. he will definitely call me a liar, I will definitely be owing them extra $$ for the shit that's wrong in the apartment.. probably including the door that he busted down because I had locked it.. so I learned that if I locked any of the doors he could just break it down and I'd have to pay for it eventually.. That's a really mean thing to do to someone.

I'm just blackout remembering a bunch of things at once, have a good night.

Hey there. Just read all this through. I just wanted to let you know, that you think very clearly for someone in your situation and you can be proud of that. Yes, books and such can make it all look like we totally haven't got a clue and are worse off than we realized but in the end, you are still keeping a cool head and doing all the right things. From my point of view, anyway. So great kudo's from me.

I guess my alias here doesn't say. I am female, and an old auntie, so I'm not trying to pick you up or anything. I just figured it would be nice to know that someone out there thinks you're doing a great job.

A few years ago, I moved twice and both times, I had to throw out a lot of belongings. Some of it felt cathartic when I did it. It included toys from my childhood, books, clothes all kinds of things. This last time, I had to let go of just about everything. Including kitchen stuff that I still miss. I do regret some of it now, but at the time it really felt like a relief for various reasons. Today, I barely own anything at all. Yes, it makes it easier to move.

You're already on the way to a better future. Your experience with therapists is a nightmare and one of the reasons I stay clear of them, also.

You do sound like you are losing hope as to how much you can change and so on, but from what you are describing, you have already turned your life around in the past. Big time. And now, it's like another layer of an onion. It's just the next step. That's what it is like for me, also. I learn, I change and then something new happens, and .... it keeps going, but when I look back, I am not the same person today, that I was 3 years ago.

I wish you the very best. And I hope you do get out in one piece. I don't like that he kicks down doors and does things like slam toilet doors at night or read books about serial killers.

One thing you need to remember. He is probably one step ahead of you and he knows why you are purging things. You threatened to leave. When he knows that you are trying to leave he can either be okay with it or, he can be planning something mean for the days around the end of the month. Say.. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. Because that's when people move. I would not be surprised if he suddenly decides to stay at home for that whole week, or he decided to go with you on your next trip.

If it were me, I'd try to find a way to trick him. And it is okay to trick people who are not safe to trust. It is. If you were in a prisoner of war camp and digging your way to freedom you wouldn't stop and tell the enemy that you were digging, just to be honest. Sometimes, it's okay.

My very best wishes to you.

You know, thinking about this some more. If you could do a totally surprise move and just move out on, say, a Tuesday or Wednesday and in with a friend, then you could always move from that friend and into the new place during the weekend. With a lot less stress. Even though, you did say 2 days. So if you can move in the middle of the week, that would be cool. I am a bit worried about what he might be planning for the end of the week/month.

Also. You love your dog. I don't know how bad he is, if he's the devil incarnate or "just mean and selfish". But pets have been known to keel over. The law doesn't protect pets much. If your grandparents weren't too far away, I'd go for a last minute visit and bring my dog. Just to keep the dog away. I know, it sounds far out, but whenever I trust one of these people to have changed just a little, something happens and... maybe I'm wrong. I just don't have any trust in angry people.

Take care out there.

Thanks so much @NotSoZen ..you're words are really encouraging and I really appreciate that. It's been tough going back and forth in my head. I've definitely been thinking about my dog, that it might not be safe for him to be here alone, in an effort to totally make sure one last time that I was doing the right thing I gave him a rise of suspicion, but I will definitely consider what to do with him, the hotel I'm staying at this weekend might even be pet friendly so I'll check..
I honestly am not sure how bad my ex is either.
Next weekend is the grandparents house, which is when I'll have to tell them that my relationship is over. I'm thinking I'm going to stay there an extra night too unless I get this place on wed..the plan is to move in the middle of the day when he's at work, probably on a Monday. I'm going to have to block his number on my phone, his mom lives like two blocks away (she's the flying monkey too) so hopefully he just reverts to texting his mom.

The digging out of war camp made me laugh:) funny visual of refugees popping up from the ground "hey guys we're leaving, bye!" it's true though. Ultimately at the end of our conversation when I was trying to break up with him I got him to calm down and he was like " just one more week" and i said.. okay but I still might decide to leave and I need you to be okay after.. and he said he will be sad but he'll be okay.. so.. hopefully that was the truth. Hopefully he is just a bit mean and selfish but can grow out of this or learn something from it. But 'prepare for the worst' as they say..

You've already made really good plans and you're aware of the different things you need to be careful with so all I can really do, is to wish you luck    My fingers are crossed for you and I know, it will be difficult until it's all over, but you've already done so well, so I believe in you

I hope you keep sharing as much as you want.

My very best wishes.

Thanks I really appreciate that. I did pretty well throwing out things today, it's also forcing me to go through all my old inventory and look at what isn't selling, got rid of that stuff.. all of my business mistakes right there in my face, lol.

It's now a game of "how to make moving out look like extreme cleaning"... ugh it's sad.
It'll be okay just yes.. wish me luck. It has to happen this time even if I'm lonely... I've been the loneliest I ever felt while in a relationship with him so I remember a time when I was alone and I felt okay.

I'm just getting through it, nothing else I can do but that. My back problem is acting up a little from all the moving things so I'm starting yoga again and stretching which had helped in the past. I might have to hire someone to move my things for me on the day of, ultimately, but then it would be quick and all in one trip. There are certain expenses here I'm taking on, that I'm trying to see as an investment..I'm lucky enough to be in the position to be able to even make these decisions, so I'm trying to see the positive.

Thanks a lot, stating my intentions here is helping <3 just a little more time.

wow. a couple huge things just happened, I got a phone call and my aunt's estate went through after her passing it's been on hold since she died..there's my ticket out. RIP. She was mentally handicapped and lived in special care housing, which must have really sucked for her, and she died really unexpectedly, they resuscitated her but she had a DNR, there was a fight about taking her off life support when she was brain dead.. she wasn't in pain and died quickly, half the money went to the hospital and her organs were donated.. They didn't have a funeral for her though, at least not one I was invited to, which was really shitty in my opinion, like.. she was a real person, even though her perception was different I kind of always felt they treated her badly a little bit, but maybe I don't understand the full issue with the kind of care she needed.

Now my ex just came to me and said he "quit weed" LOL. because he's going into criminal justice and doesn't want to be a hypocrite... jesus christ lord savior. I don't believe in god but this is the kind of time when I start praying to the sun or something.

I will probably be buying the rest of the courses...I feel like I basically owe him my life, I don't think I would have gotten out of this without the hypnotherapy tracks.

That is great luck. To get that help now. I am happy to hear that.

About the loneliness. I think that's why I meditate. To connect to something even when I'm living an isolated life. But once you get to a new place, there's always new people, new opportunities. Friends you haven't met yet.

thanks I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. this is going to be a shpeal of random thoughts and guilty feelings.

I talked to my sister, she's been with this guy for 10 years who has admitted to cheating on her 3 times, tried to kick him out, he won't leave, so I told her that I want to break up with my bf.. she always does this weird infantilizing thing, like she infantilizes me..its really annoying. She keeps trying to convince me to move into this cabin that has no internet that's two hours in the opposite direction from where I want and need to be, I just keep saying no, that's too far, I can't leave my dog for nine freaking hours while I drive 3 hours to this place I need to be.. It's just crazy, people will offer you things that they think will help that really aren't helping. so I kept just saying no no no, she keeps telling me aw poor you blah blah blah... I'm like... your boyfriend of ten years won't leave your house and he's cheating on you? why poor me? that's a much worse situation to be in.. like, I'm figuring my shit out and she seems really unaware that she's trying to derail my plans.. SO no more talking to family about my plans I just have to figure it out, do what I was going to do, I keep having flashes of "well I could just buy a house" NO... no no no. don't buy a house.

Now that everything is available to me I really feel like i *AM* crazy.. how do I know I'm not the narc? the music, the money, the "online persona" like.. I see that in me.. I don't think I'm the person he's talking about though in these videos because 1. I keep giving random people money, i keep giving too much. that's a sign of a codependent not a narcissist. 2. the music was meant to be a way for me to heal that I was doing for a long long time before I ever put anything online, it can't be that I did it for attention. 3. the online persona was something that happened that I was somewhat shoved into, it was more so an opportunity than anything else, and honestly I think it does align with who I am in real life it's not really so much a "persona" as just me existing in an online space 4. I've been trying to fix this for a long time unsuccessfully, if I don't fix this I will continue to make bad decisions. I don't know how that doesn't make me a narc but it's on the list... it's because I see the problems in me and I want to fix them.. 5. There is plenty of evidence that says these other people have been controlling me for a very long time.
in a way I think my sisters infantilization of me is her way of dealing with the painful reality of her own problems.
She's also like, where do you want to be, you want to move to california? mexico? I'm like.. SHIT dude I wanted to go minimalistic right before this why are you tempting me with these literally insane suggestions. I can't dump my boyfriend and immediately move to california, that seems flighty and also illogical, I had friends I wanted to see, I had dance classes I want to take, where I am now is much cheaper than california if I want to use this gift to my best advantage... maybe I should consider leaving though.. she also offered to let me come out there, she lives far away too, and I'm just thinking..uhhhh haha no thank you. I don't want to be around someone who is going to baby me 24/7 while at the same time judging things that I'm doing in my life if I made a decision that's different than what they would have done..

Ugh, it's whatever. I feel really guilty about the money but at the same time it's totally random, everything seems totally random. I could've been born into any family in any country in the world, I could be literally anybody. It's not something I asked for or expected, it's something that just..came to me.. I've always been financially lucky, year of the rabbit basically to a T.. it's caused some issues of guilt.. I also wonder why my mom kept telling me to "marry rich" if she knew I was going to get this some day.. she should have been telling me "go to business school, get therapy, get educated" NOPE even to my mom I was always someone's trophy wife, she's been also sexually shaming me since I was like three years old. So even if I wanted to be someone's trophy wife I wouldn't be able to. haha that seems ironic.
SORRY I'm working out these issues.. what I actually want to do.. I want to build a tiny house. maybe build some houses for homeless people. I'm not sure yet.. maybe tiny houses for people in domestically violent situations because.. not everyone is going to be able to just buy their way out of a situation.. this crazy idea is my reaction to the guilt of being able to leave, so in a way partially I've been staying because I feel guilty that I can leave... what?
my mind is still blocking me though. I haven't even left yet.

he knows.
I tried so hard to play it cool a week was too long for me. he knows. shit fuck shit shit shit..
he's like "i want to help you" I'm like.. how.. he's like "I want to be there for you".. he had the chance before to be there for me.. He's lying it's a lie its a lie.. He will always revert to the same characteristics because he doesn't have the self awareness to be able to see this.. he apologizes, for squashing my dreams and making me feel alone.. "sorry I squashed your dreams.."
okay.

I don't want to worry anyone though I'm okay, I think it'll be okay..
He's just upset about finding out that I'm really moving out, he suspected when I was extreme cleaning obviously.. he doesn't know my inheritance went through.
It happened with one fucking text message i let my guard down and our conversation caused me to break down.
I think he sees some of his behavior as bad and will accept that socially people who are young and not married who are having problems should probably go their separate ways..I am taking the stance of that we want different things, it's just been a bad dynamic, it's just unhealthy, also that it's totally about me and the fact that I've never been alone or get the chance to figure out who I am.

yes he called me and left work, I basically had to beg him to let me leave in a normal way but I think ultimately he'll let me go. he's been accusing me of being the one doing this behavior the whole time and I think deep down he knows he did some things wrong. but he's just locked in his room now so.. hopefully he's dealing with it and starting to accept it.. I still feel bad for him and want to believe all the things he's saying but I just keep telling him..there were plenty of times that things could've been different, it's too late now and I just don't want to do it anymore.

Moving out today is not an option, I want to do this like adults are supposed to be able to do and sort through my things first.. I paid rent here too it's not like the lease goes away, I have a right to be here. His family lives two blocks away it really bothers me on some level that he won't just leave..in fact he did that once and ended up walking back in the middle of the night, and I had driven to pick him up because he was carrying a 5k piece of gear that someone could have just run up to him and grabbed it out of his hands.. he told me I was crazy for thinking that could happen. UGH. I feel bad, guilty, I've decided already though that I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.

Oh, my gosh, what a day you've had. Look. If I were you, I'd take the dog for an evening walk, and stash my wallet and stuff in my jacket and jeans and just go. For now. Just go. When you've arrived at a friend's house or something, you can text him that you needed to calm down and you're at a friend's talking things over. Refuse to say who. It could be a hotel, even. Then, a few hours later, maybe say that it's gotten late and you're a bit drunk so you'll stay over at the friend's place and be back sometime tomorrow.

Just lie. Text. Don't call. He'll hear it.  

I know, I am probably over reacting, but judging from the people I know.... you could be in for a long night of his anger, his strange behavior, and not sleeping a wink. He will probably start by wanting sex, wanting intimacy. Wanting you to stay. Then, if that doesn't work, he will get angry. Do something crazy, maybe. Something crazy might get out of hand.

Please... you can go back for the furniture. Tonight will very likely be hard. There is nothing wrong with staying with a friend when you had an argument/talk with your boyfriend. People do. And of course, bringing your dog because you don't want the dog to bother him. Something like that.

As a PS: Your sister is gaslighting you as I think you already worked out, and it's probably not even consciously. She just needs to see you as a baby so she doesn't hate herself so much. I don't know why the need to give bad advice but I can relate and it's so annoying. No wonder you spiral into self doubt. I hope the self doubt is over.

Another thing is: Please don't feel guilty about money and wanting to give it away. That is the brainwashing thing. Even if you do one day help the homeless, then do it in the most sustainable way in collaboration with others, so you won't end up broke afterwards. But put that way into the future. There is no law that says to spend all the money now or you will spontaneously combust. Live as if it wasn't there, until you got used to it.

No, I don't think you're a narcissist.

Now... I told you he probably guessed. Please don't think "If this was a normal relationship my rights would be...." Because he isn't thinking like that.

Stay safe Wishing you much luck.

thanks so much, yeah, you're right, I'm not sure about the self doubt being gone but I booked a room for the night..I might come back here tomorrow but I have plans tomorrow night and I could always just stay out.. packing up the things I need for the show and my project, hopefully I can just focus on that..
Thank you..

I am relieved to hear that. Take care out there and I hope that you will get a good night's rest.

Wishing you all good things.