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Hello, all!
I am now just two months into recovery for lifelong CPTSD. I was raised by a mother with NPD also Dx with BPD. Despite the trauma I endured growing up and later as a scapegoat in my adult life, all I ever really wanted was a close relationship with my mother, no matter the cost to myself, which was not only impossible but unrealistic.
I now realize this and I suppose that realization was always present on a subconscious level. I attempted to find the love and caring elsewhere, typically through terribly self-destructive relationships that felt completely and utterly normal to me. It's only been recent that the fog of confusion has lifted somewhat, and a bit of perspective seems possible. I have a very long way to go yet, and it may take the rest of my life. This is terribly difficult stuff that is tied into other types of trauma as you all probably know. If you're here, I assume you do.
I feel for all of you who are working through similar things and sharing your stories, too. It was much easier to just accept the dysfunction because you think everyone is dysfunctional or it's whiney and weak to drudge up the past. Just forge ahead as though nothing was the matter. At least that was my method for most of my life. That never really worked.
The event that prompted me to actively seek help occured when my mother suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. It has not yet been a year even, so I am still trying to manage the grief combined with feelings of guilt. Sometimes I feel anger and betrayal, and other times I just want my mother, despite our lengthy history. Basically my personal life is a wreck and I don't know who I can trust. I experienced a total breakdown that led me searching for answers. I found Spartan Life coach and I am so thankful I did as the videos resonated so much I finally sought the help.
Also, doing my best to reprogram my mind, intentions, and erroneous beliefs. My clinician uses EFT tapping and affirmations. We're trying to work through the buildup of totally insane things I accepted as my reality.
That is all for now as I think this is getting a little confusing for anyone reading. I am glad to be here.
-valerie
I am now just two months into recovery for lifelong CPTSD. I was raised by a mother with NPD also Dx with BPD. Despite the trauma I endured growing up and later as a scapegoat in my adult life, all I ever really wanted was a close relationship with my mother, no matter the cost to myself, which was not only impossible but unrealistic.
I now realize this and I suppose that realization was always present on a subconscious level. I attempted to find the love and caring elsewhere, typically through terribly self-destructive relationships that felt completely and utterly normal to me. It's only been recent that the fog of confusion has lifted somewhat, and a bit of perspective seems possible. I have a very long way to go yet, and it may take the rest of my life. This is terribly difficult stuff that is tied into other types of trauma as you all probably know. If you're here, I assume you do.
I feel for all of you who are working through similar things and sharing your stories, too. It was much easier to just accept the dysfunction because you think everyone is dysfunctional or it's whiney and weak to drudge up the past. Just forge ahead as though nothing was the matter. At least that was my method for most of my life. That never really worked.
The event that prompted me to actively seek help occured when my mother suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. It has not yet been a year even, so I am still trying to manage the grief combined with feelings of guilt. Sometimes I feel anger and betrayal, and other times I just want my mother, despite our lengthy history. Basically my personal life is a wreck and I don't know who I can trust. I experienced a total breakdown that led me searching for answers. I found Spartan Life coach and I am so thankful I did as the videos resonated so much I finally sought the help.
Also, doing my best to reprogram my mind, intentions, and erroneous beliefs. My clinician uses EFT tapping and affirmations. We're trying to work through the buildup of totally insane things I accepted as my reality.
That is all for now as I think this is getting a little confusing for anyone reading. I am glad to be here.
-valerie
