So I've just realised I am the daughter of a narcissist...what do I do?!

Hi all, I'm going to elaborate on my situation and am asking for a bit of advice too.
I am a 45 year old ex RN, and I am happily married with 3 young kids (14, 8 and 4).

I have been doing work on myself for many years with various psychologists begining in my early 20s.
There has been a lot to work on, anxiety, depression, addiction, just the whole mess!

But I am really making huge strides, and I feel so very strong.
But at the same time I feel very overwhelmed and just so emotional.
I had been numbing myself with medications for too long and I feel like now (since coming off antidepressants), I feel very sensitive to everything around me.
But I also have this feeling of waking up. of seeing my world as it really is...warts and all.
I am feeling all the emotions that had been suppressed and this is such hard work.

I was feeling at a bit of a standstill pre Christmas although I was begining to touch on "mother issues" in counselling.
I consciously gritted my teeth and got through christmas day with my family.

Since then I had to write a note to my mother as I was to scared to face her and tell her in person something that she has been doing for years had to stop.
I had to tell her to stop calling my youngest child by the wrong name. Mum didn't like the name we chose so simply made up her own for my child.

I have learned about narcissism over the last few days and realised the diagnoses of npd fits my mum.
I'm sad.
I'm scared...terrified.
I'm grieving.

I refuse to see her, for the time being, until I have at least discussed this with my psychologist, and also armed myself with knowledge.

But, she is a very involved grandmother, and my kids have always spent so much time at her (and my dad)'s home.

She is expecting to have my kids to stay overnight, to go on outings, to spend time with they're cousins over the next couple of weeks (it is school holidays here in Australia right now.

So my most important question, or thing I need to work out is do I let her see them?
Are they safe with her?
The other day she dropped them home, I had left a note at the door telling her I didn't want to speak with her so she walked in and told my 8 yr old "...you tell mummy what is going to happen over the next few weeks".
Miss 8 proceeded to excitedly tell me of the plans for an overnight stay, a trip to the city, a trip to the beach, and one other thing.
Absolutely no consultation with me or my hubby to ask if it would be ok.

I don't want to cut my kids off from they're grandparents, because this involves my dad too.
But I feel bullied.
I also feel that this is very raw, and I feel extremely protective of my kids in a very primal way.
In the sense that it seems wrong for me to send my kids (even though they really want to go) to my parents home if I have such a sense of fear about going there myself...don't know if this makes sense.

And there is so much more coming up too...I think I'll just post this now.
Part of me is very fearful that she or someone I know will read this.

Oh and I'm the scapegoat, or black sheep.
I know which of my sisters is the golden child...so obvious.
And I have another sister who worked through this a few years back although the word narcissist has never been used towards my mother before.
And I can see the triangulization, the divide and conquer tactics.

She is a busybody, always doing "something" for someone.
Never sitting still, always entertaining, or going to lunch, doing the "right thing".
Having the perfect family.
Never wrong.
If challenged she goes chillingly cold.
Gives the silent treatment.
Or a viscious and cutting remark.

She simply sighed at me over the phone (I was going to be late by 15 minutes for something, back in early december last year)...and I felt the disapproval, and was cut right down to size, all from the way she exhaled!
In that one breath, I was told that I was hopeless, useless, unreliable...a bad mother and a bad daughter.

The outside world sees her as a wonderful person, all my life people have told me they wished they had a mum like mine, that she was great to be so involved, that she was so caring, that she will do anything for anyone...

For me to "win" with a narcissist parent and a narcissist sibling, I had to couch what I Wanted in a way that would benefit THEM for me to have it. If they think they win by my having what I want, I was more likely to get it.

With cutting remarks, the best defense I have had is to merely smile sweetly and say, "Thank you for sharing." Kept up consistently, they will get they can no longer pull your chain verbally after a while, that you are NOT as weak as they think.

BOTH my parents were narcissists and my older brother, the golden child, grew up to be one as well. I was always the black sheep, the scapegoat. I chose the path of greater awareness and to keep my heart open through it all... hurt like hell but I can say I am alive and awake.

My parents are both dead now.... I have chosen zero contact with my brother who told me as often as he could growing up, "I want to be an only child so I can solely inherit." So when we settled our parents' estate I told him that from that time forward he could consider himself to BE the "only chlld" he told me he always wanted to be and we signed a mediation agreement of zerio contact which frees me from any further harassment and gives him what he said he wanted... NO sister.

Oh gosh, Mewkew3, no contact seems so drastic...but you sound strong...good on you.
What you mention about how to "win" with a narcissist is exactly how my psychologist had been encouraging me to approach my Mum with this issue of my child's name.
She recommended making it sound as though by calling my daughter the name I chose (the name my daughter calls herself), she would have a better relationship with my daughter.
To somehow frame my request for her to change what she called my child to be more a comment that it would result in a positive outcome for my mother.

Yesterday I came home to find a letter from my Mum under my door (I am refusing to speak with her at the moment).
It was no surprise what she wrote:
She denied what I was saying.
She praised me about
~ my children
~ my daughter's name (said it was beautiful)
~ my art
~ and the way I have fought my addiction problem

But in amongst this praise was littered reminders to me of how good she was.
She told me what I should be thinking.
She put the responsibility back onto me about the name issue saying that I should have said something earlier and she would have stopped.

Oh man, she brought up (what she sees as) my weakness (addiction).
She loves to bring that up. Over and over.

Ironically, I have realised that it is contact with her that gives me the urge to reach for a pill.

An aside:
I quit my drug in October 2012.
Hence my current journey into wakefulness and learning what I am dealing with.

She reminded me that she has always been there for me, and she told me she loves me...I don't believe her, although I think she thinks she does love me.

My main issue right now is that my hubby doesn't want me withholding access to my kids to my mother.

How...can any sane mother send her children into a place she herself does not feel safe.
ie: I cannot even face my mother, I feel fearful around her, I worry that she might damage my kids somehow.

My mum has told my hubby that she is worried I will stop her from having contact with my kids.
I think she has him under her influence too.
He doesn't see it.
He thinks I am wrong.

And he wont listen to me about her.

He thinks it is between Mum and I and we need to "sort it out".

It strikes me that the situation has disempowered you and this is a horrible feeling. A friend of mine is in a very similar situation against his ex partner who is a narcissist and uses their baby to disempower him and taunt him.

It is really sad. I learned that maybe when you feel disempowered and find that you can't "fight" a narcissist and win, you can try a different approach and be strong for the greater good of the people you are trying to protect.

If the narcissist keeps telling you he/she wants you dead, then ZERO contact is the only way to deal with the situation to remain strong and survive. For me, it was a godsend. I have refused to move home because my neighbors here are aware of the situation and that is a safety net for me... if I moved new neighbors might buy into the charm of the narcissist who made the treats whereas the ones I have now will NOT. So weighing everything I am safer here with the ZERO contact in place where my neighbors would know if he showed up.

To the one whose hubby is siding with her mother, I would tell him, "If you didn't feel safe leaving the babies with your mother, I would not push you. I would respect your personal reasons. I am your WIFE and these are YOUR chldren. Please respect my right to protect them as I see fit."