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Hi Richard,
So, I found your videos etc a few years ago and have been following you - thank you!
I'm asking about emotional neglect and how to heal that as an adult?
I have grieved a lot from my abusive father - which was more obvious - and gone to therapy for that which has taught me to feel the feelings I stuffed...but my father left us and I saw him only every second weekend which was when I experienced most of it. I did end up dating abusive guys because while that was unpleasant, a lot of the abusers actually stick around, which my father did not, and I guess I believed for a while that some connection was better than none - I no longer believe this, as I see now that those relationships drain me so they are worse than none.
My mother, on the other hand, was with us the rest of the time, though she worked full-time and when she came home, usually yelled at us for doing our homework/chores etc imperfectly and/or she ran to her room and cried.
I realized recently that there are simple things that I never witnessed, or was never taught, that people seem baffled by. And it dawned on me that I tend to date narc men because my dad was that way, and while abusive, he engaged us/talked at us more than my mom who was permissive and absent but would tell us she loved us...so...now I find myself easily attached to people, and find myself looking to people to mother me - gasp - a recent realization which I'm not a fan of seeing in myself but as a result of my upbringing and lack of affirmation, attention, praise or engagement, I guess I need it more than others (also a recent realization) and want to find a way to work through it so I don't continue to develop relationships where people keep me at arm's length. I also realized recently that this was my 'norm' in upbringing, and I've always managed to fawn my way into relationships with men, and/or my humour from being left alone so much draws people in...but once they're friends, I think my cptsd wounds show themselves as needy. Which i don't like; and as I said, only recently became aware of. As in, I am so grateful for the attention, I want more of it...I am kind, and thoughtful I'm told, and fun to be with...but the needs...well, you get the idea I'm sure. How do I meet these needs without wearing people out? It's hard to try and see when I'm doing it / crossing a line...as a teenager, I was so afraid of getting close because I'd never experienced it, that once a man told me he loved me, I'd run...and even a few times from people I thought I loved too because how to deal with something that I had never lived was beyond my scope.
Anyway, I'm in a support group now...so I do have friends who stick around. I just need to figure out how to be more balanced and how to heal those wounds...and I have listened to your soundcloud talk about it, and am just hoping for more specific tips.
thanks so much - you feel like a friend even though we've never met.
Lori
So, I found your videos etc a few years ago and have been following you - thank you!
I'm asking about emotional neglect and how to heal that as an adult?
I have grieved a lot from my abusive father - which was more obvious - and gone to therapy for that which has taught me to feel the feelings I stuffed...but my father left us and I saw him only every second weekend which was when I experienced most of it. I did end up dating abusive guys because while that was unpleasant, a lot of the abusers actually stick around, which my father did not, and I guess I believed for a while that some connection was better than none - I no longer believe this, as I see now that those relationships drain me so they are worse than none.
My mother, on the other hand, was with us the rest of the time, though she worked full-time and when she came home, usually yelled at us for doing our homework/chores etc imperfectly and/or she ran to her room and cried.
I realized recently that there are simple things that I never witnessed, or was never taught, that people seem baffled by. And it dawned on me that I tend to date narc men because my dad was that way, and while abusive, he engaged us/talked at us more than my mom who was permissive and absent but would tell us she loved us...so...now I find myself easily attached to people, and find myself looking to people to mother me - gasp - a recent realization which I'm not a fan of seeing in myself but as a result of my upbringing and lack of affirmation, attention, praise or engagement, I guess I need it more than others (also a recent realization) and want to find a way to work through it so I don't continue to develop relationships where people keep me at arm's length. I also realized recently that this was my 'norm' in upbringing, and I've always managed to fawn my way into relationships with men, and/or my humour from being left alone so much draws people in...but once they're friends, I think my cptsd wounds show themselves as needy. Which i don't like; and as I said, only recently became aware of. As in, I am so grateful for the attention, I want more of it...I am kind, and thoughtful I'm told, and fun to be with...but the needs...well, you get the idea I'm sure. How do I meet these needs without wearing people out? It's hard to try and see when I'm doing it / crossing a line...as a teenager, I was so afraid of getting close because I'd never experienced it, that once a man told me he loved me, I'd run...and even a few times from people I thought I loved too because how to deal with something that I had never lived was beyond my scope.
Anyway, I'm in a support group now...so I do have friends who stick around. I just need to figure out how to be more balanced and how to heal those wounds...and I have listened to your soundcloud talk about it, and am just hoping for more specific tips.
thanks so much - you feel like a friend even though we've never met.Lori
