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Hey.. kind of just checking back in here for a life update and because things have been weird for me lately.
I have a hard time measuring how I'm doing, I think I'm doing okay considering... but at the same time I've been feeling kind of depressed and a little unmotivated.
There is a lot in my life that I want to improve, my daily routine, how I feel about myself, how I connect with other people.. I just feel so stuck right now and like I just can't do anything, I guess that's what the depression part of this is..
I had managed to get out of the toxic relationship at the end of May, I slipped up a little in June and we had been talking again, but now we are no contact and I am maintaining that.. even though I feel very guilty about going no contact because he is saying that he's "so sorry" and is "changing so much"... probably a load a bullshit.. Which is probably why I'm back here, because I'm lonely & struggling a little bit.
Something unexpected happened though, which is now what I'm struggling with.. I met a new guy.. mid July, who I have not been dating but we are becoming friends and are working together on certain projects.. how we met was kind of intense though, and definitely based on attraction. We basically locked eyes at a bar when I went to a show, and he just like, melted me with his smile..I said "hi" to him but quickly avoided him at all costs because I knew I was very attracted to him, but he asked around about me and found me! It turned out we had a lot in common and now work on projects together.. I told him it was bittersweet for me and I wasn't sure if I could work with him, but he reassured me and now we are supposed to be platonically working together, these are pretty important projects to me and have never included another person before, for some reason I'm able to include this new man, probably because I like him. I'm just not sure it's the best choice... it's the best choice for the project because he brings a lot of value to them which is the most important thing for me... for me as a human being though, it's painful especially after everything that happened.
My issues are coming in here.. he clearly is not interested in moving a romantic relationship forward with me because he wants the working relationship, but it's all I can think about.. I'm crushing really hard on him and I just want it to stop! I *know I'm still damaged from my last relationship, I know that. He doesn't know what happened just that it became problematic...I don't know if I should open up to him a little bit and tell him about some of what went on.. I've hinted that he was a jerk or whatever but it really doesn't fully embody the damage that has happened.. I will probably just scare him off if I tell him anything about the abuse, but part of me wants to because I'm starting to really trust this person. It's hard because... I wonder if my feelings for him are even real you know? Or if it's just because he's the first man who I find attractive that has shown me real kindness? We have dinner sometimes after our get togethers for the projects and he opens up to me emotionally.. tells me about his life.. I have been much less open but whenever I do open up he seems truly interested and responds in an empathetic and compassionate way... we also joke around, have similar senses of humor, share things on an almost daily basis... I try not to engage too much in conversation because I'm trying not to get attached to this person, but I catch myself smiling randomly and thinking about him..and then I stop myself.. It feels both wonderful and awful at the same time.. It's great because I'm glad I know I can be attracted to someone again and there are nice people out there who can potentially care about me.. however, it's awful because I feel like this is going to lead to heartbreak for me, he's probably not interested in that way anymore.. I can't really tell.
I don't think he is though because as of right now we won't be seeing each other for a while due to technical issues on his end, and it's looking like I won't see him in person again for a while, he didn't really discuss any plans for us to get together otherwise...when I heard this I was kind of heartbroken.. because I really will miss his company, this is becoming an unhealthy perspective I feel like though, maybe I'm just not emotionally mature enough for this type of working relationship when we are clearly attracted to each other? Or at least I am clearly still attracted to him, idk how he feels anymore.
The point is.. I need to move on from these ideas of a romantic relationship with this new man because it's too soon and I haven't done enough work on myself yet to start dating again.. Part of me doesn't want to move on because I like it.. I really like him.. I don't want to miss out on a chance with him.. in a way I already have. Then I wonder has my last relationship ruined all chances for me to be happy in the future?
Now the decision is.. do I keep working on these projects with him? Maybe I should and just be casual and let it be open for the future.. I'm just having a hard time trying to heal myself after the last relationship while having a crush on this man for what... 8-10 weeks now...I fall asleep thinking about him, I wake up thinking about him, I do everything I can to distract myself from thinking about this person and refocus my energy on my hobbies and other interests...I have been exercising more and picking up my apartment, doing things for myself that I can.. making sure I'm showered and dressed etc etc.. but there's something more to this that I'm missing. It's the connectedness I think.
I'm also in therapy and my therapist thinks it's a good thing for me to be hanging out with the new man, because he's showing me qualities I haven't really been around before, and it's natural for me to be scared after being messed with so badly, that maybe I should try to trust him or even let him in emotionally... I'm still not sure.. I don't know what to do.
I think what I really need though is maybe to go through the courses again and try to reach out to other friends, which I have been but they are being kind of flaky, so I need to make new friends..somehow. I just need my heart to want something, anything, else. I almost really dislike liking someone because it like, literally hurts me.. All I want is to be happy by myself, with myself.. but ultimately people do need other people and we connect through sharing, being vulnerable, I just don't know if I can do it again.
I have a hard time measuring how I'm doing, I think I'm doing okay considering... but at the same time I've been feeling kind of depressed and a little unmotivated.
There is a lot in my life that I want to improve, my daily routine, how I feel about myself, how I connect with other people.. I just feel so stuck right now and like I just can't do anything, I guess that's what the depression part of this is..
I had managed to get out of the toxic relationship at the end of May, I slipped up a little in June and we had been talking again, but now we are no contact and I am maintaining that.. even though I feel very guilty about going no contact because he is saying that he's "so sorry" and is "changing so much"... probably a load a bullshit.. Which is probably why I'm back here, because I'm lonely & struggling a little bit.
Something unexpected happened though, which is now what I'm struggling with.. I met a new guy.. mid July, who I have not been dating but we are becoming friends and are working together on certain projects.. how we met was kind of intense though, and definitely based on attraction. We basically locked eyes at a bar when I went to a show, and he just like, melted me with his smile..I said "hi" to him but quickly avoided him at all costs because I knew I was very attracted to him, but he asked around about me and found me! It turned out we had a lot in common and now work on projects together.. I told him it was bittersweet for me and I wasn't sure if I could work with him, but he reassured me and now we are supposed to be platonically working together, these are pretty important projects to me and have never included another person before, for some reason I'm able to include this new man, probably because I like him. I'm just not sure it's the best choice... it's the best choice for the project because he brings a lot of value to them which is the most important thing for me... for me as a human being though, it's painful especially after everything that happened.
My issues are coming in here.. he clearly is not interested in moving a romantic relationship forward with me because he wants the working relationship, but it's all I can think about.. I'm crushing really hard on him and I just want it to stop! I *know I'm still damaged from my last relationship, I know that. He doesn't know what happened just that it became problematic...I don't know if I should open up to him a little bit and tell him about some of what went on.. I've hinted that he was a jerk or whatever but it really doesn't fully embody the damage that has happened.. I will probably just scare him off if I tell him anything about the abuse, but part of me wants to because I'm starting to really trust this person. It's hard because... I wonder if my feelings for him are even real you know? Or if it's just because he's the first man who I find attractive that has shown me real kindness? We have dinner sometimes after our get togethers for the projects and he opens up to me emotionally.. tells me about his life.. I have been much less open but whenever I do open up he seems truly interested and responds in an empathetic and compassionate way... we also joke around, have similar senses of humor, share things on an almost daily basis... I try not to engage too much in conversation because I'm trying not to get attached to this person, but I catch myself smiling randomly and thinking about him..and then I stop myself.. It feels both wonderful and awful at the same time.. It's great because I'm glad I know I can be attracted to someone again and there are nice people out there who can potentially care about me.. however, it's awful because I feel like this is going to lead to heartbreak for me, he's probably not interested in that way anymore.. I can't really tell.
I don't think he is though because as of right now we won't be seeing each other for a while due to technical issues on his end, and it's looking like I won't see him in person again for a while, he didn't really discuss any plans for us to get together otherwise...when I heard this I was kind of heartbroken.. because I really will miss his company, this is becoming an unhealthy perspective I feel like though, maybe I'm just not emotionally mature enough for this type of working relationship when we are clearly attracted to each other? Or at least I am clearly still attracted to him, idk how he feels anymore.
The point is.. I need to move on from these ideas of a romantic relationship with this new man because it's too soon and I haven't done enough work on myself yet to start dating again.. Part of me doesn't want to move on because I like it.. I really like him.. I don't want to miss out on a chance with him.. in a way I already have. Then I wonder has my last relationship ruined all chances for me to be happy in the future?
Now the decision is.. do I keep working on these projects with him? Maybe I should and just be casual and let it be open for the future.. I'm just having a hard time trying to heal myself after the last relationship while having a crush on this man for what... 8-10 weeks now...I fall asleep thinking about him, I wake up thinking about him, I do everything I can to distract myself from thinking about this person and refocus my energy on my hobbies and other interests...I have been exercising more and picking up my apartment, doing things for myself that I can.. making sure I'm showered and dressed etc etc.. but there's something more to this that I'm missing. It's the connectedness I think.
I'm also in therapy and my therapist thinks it's a good thing for me to be hanging out with the new man, because he's showing me qualities I haven't really been around before, and it's natural for me to be scared after being messed with so badly, that maybe I should try to trust him or even let him in emotionally... I'm still not sure.. I don't know what to do.
I think what I really need though is maybe to go through the courses again and try to reach out to other friends, which I have been but they are being kind of flaky, so I need to make new friends..somehow. I just need my heart to want something, anything, else. I almost really dislike liking someone because it like, literally hurts me.. All I want is to be happy by myself, with myself.. but ultimately people do need other people and we connect through sharing, being vulnerable, I just don't know if I can do it again.
