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Hi,
I am separated from a Narc getting started on divorce, I actually had to run to a domestic Safe House in April, and waited 5 months for an apartment because their behavior turned violent when I stopped believing the lie of the persona they projected. I was raised by a cabal of Narcs, and thanks to Richard and Spartan Life coach videos and courses, am very aware of my own addiction to these people and the problems it brings. I haven't done life coaching, but just the stuff Richard puts out there and how confused I was about my own life before, inspired me to return to college to become a life coach and enter this field, I got accepted back to college I previously had not completed. I got my own apartment ten days ago, for the moment, I have a good deal of money, everything should be great, and I am going nuts with anxiety
I have 2 therapists... standard American cry about it or try to relax type, and a medication provider for anxiety.
Here is the thing, staying in a safe house was miserable in a lot of ways, didn't get to choose the people I was around, but I could fixate on how much I disliked my situation, and if I felt the need for socialization, I could go find it, and a lot of the other people had cptsd traits of narcs so I could even find familiarity.
I am disabled with a mobility limitation so its never been easy to get out of the house, and 9 out of 10 people I made friends with in my life turned out to be narcs. I weeded out that little life garden, went no contact with my father who is a covert narc and was becoming 100 times more verbally abusive to me in the safe house over the phone. I have been NC with my exmother, a very violently abusive overt narc for over 9 years, I am an only child, and now I am here in a super nice apartment, been here for ten days, and having massive panic attacks, the like of which I have not had before I started living with my soon to be ex-wife.
We were together for 5 years, 3 married two living together, after a week of knowing each lol, and I wouldn't trade her treatment and abuse or that of my parents or ex-narc friends to get rid of the anxiety, but I feel like I am backsliding in my recovery, I find myself freezing and having a hard time pushing through to get school work done. I often feel like I cannot breathe. My whole life I have had severe anxiety. But the manner it took was different when I was the center of Narc ex's world and I was totally on a high when it was good, you know.
I feel like have a need to learn to be alone with myself and feel ok, generate self love, and get better at self soothing and I thought I made a lot of progress in this area with the pete walker books, and the narcissistic abuse recovery course as well as the first aid course, the Revenge against a narc book, and other materials and I know recovery is not a straight arrow up, but I am feeling so f*cked up from the anxiety of just being with myself I feel like I can barely function, I felt like this every time in my life I would be out of contact with narcs but with no awareness of my own addiction to them, and would just keep repeating the cycle.
I won't do that anymore, I work on creating the possibility of a ray of hope that things are going to feel more stable and I will not be going through 5 anxiety attacks and 2 panic attacks a day (waking up right into panic attacks that's the worst part) I have a goal to do well in college and slowly try to socialize healthily, I know it hasn't even been two weeks since I made a major move and I have been in college less than a month but... I just had a terrible horrible insane panic attack waking up from a half hour nap before which I felt ok, and IDK what to do, and I don't think my therapists understand how to really help and with my insurance its not a problem I can fix immediately I could be chasing a therapist for years who gets this... I don;t know what to do to make myself feel better, beyond all the stuff I am trying from books and courses, I don't know how to make myself feel safe without a narc around but I won't live like that.
Anyone out there who can relate, support, or offer some good advice and coping techs?
I am separated from a Narc getting started on divorce, I actually had to run to a domestic Safe House in April, and waited 5 months for an apartment because their behavior turned violent when I stopped believing the lie of the persona they projected. I was raised by a cabal of Narcs, and thanks to Richard and Spartan Life coach videos and courses, am very aware of my own addiction to these people and the problems it brings. I haven't done life coaching, but just the stuff Richard puts out there and how confused I was about my own life before, inspired me to return to college to become a life coach and enter this field, I got accepted back to college I previously had not completed. I got my own apartment ten days ago, for the moment, I have a good deal of money, everything should be great, and I am going nuts with anxiety
I have 2 therapists... standard American cry about it or try to relax type, and a medication provider for anxiety.
Here is the thing, staying in a safe house was miserable in a lot of ways, didn't get to choose the people I was around, but I could fixate on how much I disliked my situation, and if I felt the need for socialization, I could go find it, and a lot of the other people had cptsd traits of narcs so I could even find familiarity.
I am disabled with a mobility limitation so its never been easy to get out of the house, and 9 out of 10 people I made friends with in my life turned out to be narcs. I weeded out that little life garden, went no contact with my father who is a covert narc and was becoming 100 times more verbally abusive to me in the safe house over the phone. I have been NC with my exmother, a very violently abusive overt narc for over 9 years, I am an only child, and now I am here in a super nice apartment, been here for ten days, and having massive panic attacks, the like of which I have not had before I started living with my soon to be ex-wife.
We were together for 5 years, 3 married two living together, after a week of knowing each lol, and I wouldn't trade her treatment and abuse or that of my parents or ex-narc friends to get rid of the anxiety, but I feel like I am backsliding in my recovery, I find myself freezing and having a hard time pushing through to get school work done. I often feel like I cannot breathe. My whole life I have had severe anxiety. But the manner it took was different when I was the center of Narc ex's world and I was totally on a high when it was good, you know.
I feel like have a need to learn to be alone with myself and feel ok, generate self love, and get better at self soothing and I thought I made a lot of progress in this area with the pete walker books, and the narcissistic abuse recovery course as well as the first aid course, the Revenge against a narc book, and other materials and I know recovery is not a straight arrow up, but I am feeling so f*cked up from the anxiety of just being with myself I feel like I can barely function, I felt like this every time in my life I would be out of contact with narcs but with no awareness of my own addiction to them, and would just keep repeating the cycle.
I won't do that anymore, I work on creating the possibility of a ray of hope that things are going to feel more stable and I will not be going through 5 anxiety attacks and 2 panic attacks a day (waking up right into panic attacks that's the worst part) I have a goal to do well in college and slowly try to socialize healthily, I know it hasn't even been two weeks since I made a major move and I have been in college less than a month but... I just had a terrible horrible insane panic attack waking up from a half hour nap before which I felt ok, and IDK what to do, and I don't think my therapists understand how to really help and with my insurance its not a problem I can fix immediately I could be chasing a therapist for years who gets this... I don;t know what to do to make myself feel better, beyond all the stuff I am trying from books and courses, I don't know how to make myself feel safe without a narc around but I won't live like that.
Anyone out there who can relate, support, or offer some good advice and coping techs?
