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I feel SO alone. I've been mostly no contact with my narc since December..a few texts but that's all..
I know I'm very co dependant... which makes getting through this extremely difficult.
I feel like I NEED just ONE person, to be understanding & patient with me while I figure out how to deal with everything... & I would be ok...
but I have NO ONE. Not one person that even kind of knew me before this... so I'm trying to meet people from scratch... and i keep sort of smothering them & /or scaring them off with the flashbacks... which only makes me feel worse and everything seem harder.
Its incredibly difficult to get past a fear of abandonment..
When it seems like everyone you encounter runs from you.
I'm not crazy... I'm just broken...
Which unfortunately, looks a hell of a lot like crazy to an outsider.
It's a literal crushing feeling.
My heart literally aches.
I feel like I'm drowning in emotions & anxiety...and any time someone gets close enough to extend an arm, in an attempt to pull me out...
I frantically grab & claw at them... until they fear for their own emotional safety and run... or I pull them in, to drown with me.
I feel like any attempt I make, to swim to shore, only backfires, & sends me farther out into the abyss.
I TRY to sleep as much as physically possible... because it's the only break from the pain, and the overanalyzing, and the hopelessness. Drinking doesn't work anymore. Drugs don't help anymore. No one understands and/or cares. I'm just waiting to die.
I can't even kill myself because I KNOW I'd just mess that up too.
I'm just stuck in this shell... suffering to death.
Why?! Have I done anything THAT horrible? Do I "deserve" this?
I must... it's the only logical explanation.
Some people, are total gargage.. and people respect and admire them... and the have self confidence.. and they're never lonley...
I think I'm a fluke. I don't think I "belong" in this life. Theres no place for me.. no purpose.. no destiny.. no reason..
Just pain.
Idk.
Does it matter?...
Only to me...
So I guess not.
I know I'm very co dependant... which makes getting through this extremely difficult.
I feel like I NEED just ONE person, to be understanding & patient with me while I figure out how to deal with everything... & I would be ok...
but I have NO ONE. Not one person that even kind of knew me before this... so I'm trying to meet people from scratch... and i keep sort of smothering them & /or scaring them off with the flashbacks... which only makes me feel worse and everything seem harder.
Its incredibly difficult to get past a fear of abandonment..
When it seems like everyone you encounter runs from you.
I'm not crazy... I'm just broken...
Which unfortunately, looks a hell of a lot like crazy to an outsider.
It's a literal crushing feeling.
My heart literally aches.
I feel like I'm drowning in emotions & anxiety...and any time someone gets close enough to extend an arm, in an attempt to pull me out...
I frantically grab & claw at them... until they fear for their own emotional safety and run... or I pull them in, to drown with me.
I feel like any attempt I make, to swim to shore, only backfires, & sends me farther out into the abyss.
I TRY to sleep as much as physically possible... because it's the only break from the pain, and the overanalyzing, and the hopelessness. Drinking doesn't work anymore. Drugs don't help anymore. No one understands and/or cares. I'm just waiting to die.
I can't even kill myself because I KNOW I'd just mess that up too.
I'm just stuck in this shell... suffering to death.
Why?! Have I done anything THAT horrible? Do I "deserve" this?
I must... it's the only logical explanation.
Some people, are total gargage.. and people respect and admire them... and the have self confidence.. and they're never lonley...
I think I'm a fluke. I don't think I "belong" in this life. Theres no place for me.. no purpose.. no destiny.. no reason..
Just pain.
Idk.
Does it matter?...
Only to me...
So I guess not.
