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Thank you for answering my question today, august 9th 2016, on the podcast. Yes, mom was the dominant one and dad has histrionics so it was emotional sexual abuse. I spent my childhood terrified of him and his sexual behavior towards me. I would have nightmares of men raping women and fighting to save their lives. I had a dream where I jumped out the window of our flat on the 5th floor and I refused to go back. I don't think I'm usually as horrible to men as I made it sound. I'm normally just running away before that. I have to. I get physical anxiety on a level, I can't handle. So it isn't that I don't really want to, deep down. My question was because of the last man I fell in love with, who triggered me in ways that I was not used to. Much more intense than usual. And then one day, I realized I might be a kind of mirror image of him. The same kind of issues but in reverse.
I did not expect the diagnosis you gave but I take it seriously and will work on the things you suggested. I am already working on things of course, but what you said was eye opening. And frightening. But I thank you just the same. "The only way out is through."
About needing people to agree. One of the latest things I've realized is, that my family was like the judge, jury and executioner and my whole life, I've needed them to see the truth. To stop hating me. I wanted to convince them. And I'm trying to do that, with the world, also. After practicing the art of self referencing, I am getting better at seeing things from a different angle. Things from my childhood are also starting to look even worse, as it is dawning on me what mom and dad *should* have been doing during the various phases of my life. Like helping me to feel good about looking pretty, instead of making sure that I looked as bad as possible, or else. It was important to mom, that I was ridiculed and seen as ugly. Making me wear her pants to school, making me have a haircut that went wrong so I looked absurd until it grew out, when I was 13. The list is endless. Add to that, dads sexual advances and my constant fighting him, while mom just watched and enjoyed the fear and anger that came out of me. I was like a fighting dog on a leash. Her leash. She hated dad. I was her tool. She hated his sexual advances too, and we were brought up without any kind of positive touch. No hugs. Fear of touch.
But... this is getting long. I had actually deleted my question because I thought it sounded stupid. I deleted another one, as well. Now, I am worried you will answer that one. Please don't? I will try to be quiet and work on healing and stop asking questions out of ignorance all the time.
I did not expect the diagnosis you gave but I take it seriously and will work on the things you suggested. I am already working on things of course, but what you said was eye opening. And frightening. But I thank you just the same. "The only way out is through."
About needing people to agree. One of the latest things I've realized is, that my family was like the judge, jury and executioner and my whole life, I've needed them to see the truth. To stop hating me. I wanted to convince them. And I'm trying to do that, with the world, also. After practicing the art of self referencing, I am getting better at seeing things from a different angle. Things from my childhood are also starting to look even worse, as it is dawning on me what mom and dad *should* have been doing during the various phases of my life. Like helping me to feel good about looking pretty, instead of making sure that I looked as bad as possible, or else. It was important to mom, that I was ridiculed and seen as ugly. Making me wear her pants to school, making me have a haircut that went wrong so I looked absurd until it grew out, when I was 13. The list is endless. Add to that, dads sexual advances and my constant fighting him, while mom just watched and enjoyed the fear and anger that came out of me. I was like a fighting dog on a leash. Her leash. She hated dad. I was her tool. She hated his sexual advances too, and we were brought up without any kind of positive touch. No hugs. Fear of touch.
But... this is getting long. I had actually deleted my question because I thought it sounded stupid. I deleted another one, as well. Now, I am worried you will answer that one. Please don't? I will try to be quiet and work on healing and stop asking questions out of ignorance all the time.
