Ask Questions Here Please

by keilla Fri Jul 15, 2016 1:47 am

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Post n°151

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by keilla Fri Jul 15, 2016 1:47 am

Spooky Chambers wrote:Hello Richard,
It happens to me from time to time that I get into an emotional flashback which takes form of intense toxic shame. Then when it goes away I can reexperience the flashback by going back into the memory of the event that triggered it. Should I go there, feel it and cry it out, or should I use the thought stopping technique that Pete Walker talks about and not go there? Which of these two approaches is healthier?

#1 I wanted to ask a similar question to the one above. We aren't suppose to run from pain, but the best thing is to avoid the triggering of emotional flashbacks. How do you know when you are distracting in a potentially unhealthy way vs. actually healing and feeling better?

#2 I would like to promote your work on my blog about narcissism and healing. I would only link to your pages - but would like to post some of your memes. Please let me know if this is restricted in any way. The one regarding 'Another level of game' is the specific one I'd like to use in relation to my latest post.

by forwardbound Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:52 am

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Post n°152

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by forwardbound Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:52 am

Hi Richard,
Firstly thank you so much for what you do; it's very affirming and makes me feel validated for what I've experienced.
Secondly, I realize looking back that I've had or developed cognitive dissonance as a result of my family of origin, and thereby find it hard to see people - especially abusers - as they are; I guess my defense mechanism is fawning. Having said that, I find myself able to see my parents now mostly for who they were, but as my ex wants to be friends, and we have a lot of mutual friends, I have a hard time hanging on to the reality of what was a very painful, roller-coaster, off-balance relationship / entanglement. I find myself not wanting to insult him to our friends, so I try to focus on the positive but then when he tries to hug me in public settings or asks me to call him (when I know all he wants is my care, attention and 'fawning'), I get that he wants his 'harem' but I find that too painful; plus, in the end, I stood up for myself, asked him to stop treating me with disrespect, deal with his anger management issues and to stop being all over the place with his commitment to me...and he ended it, when I was hoping to just make things better for me in it...
Anyway, I try to avoid him and 'our friends' but apart from moving (which I'd love to do but cannot just yet), I will likely still bump into him from time to time. How do I hold on to the truth of who he was / how he was, and not return to the fantasy-him which kept me in the relationship for so long? Is this the zombie-witch-doctor spell you refer to?
Thirdly, I have been trying to give myself the care and concern I hoped for from him, and that has lessened me looking back, but is there anything else I can do to break the fantasy?

Thank you.

by Sia Fri Jul 15, 2016 10:20 pm

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Post n°153

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by Sia Fri Jul 15, 2016 10:20 pm

Richard Grannon wrote:hey folks, Im receiving questions all over the place at the moment and so many of them are absolute gold that it seems a shame to not cover them.

Please ask them all here and I will try and keep copy and pasting questions into this forum too.

Thanks!

Hi Richard,

I grew up in an affluent home with 2 covert narcissistic parents. I have recently made efforts to permanently detach myself from my parents. The process is not complete. My parents have painted a false narrative my entire life. I am in the throes of creating a new life.

I’m writing an email to “my parents”. It is currently 4 pages. It cites specific examples of my parents’ emotional abuse from the projecting, gas lighting, manipulation, reframing, the scapegoating, the lies, the mobbing and examples of their toxicity. I have shared this email with a trusted slightly older cousin who grew up in a similar home.

I have recently reconnected during the holidays with my cousin. He broke away in his early 20s from his covert narcissistic parents. He is considered the “black sheep” of the family. He has lived an extraordinary and passionate life. My cousin gets most of the emotional abuse I received because his parental relationship was similar. Our families lived in the same town during our tween/teens years. So we saw each other regularly ---family events and social occasions. We have only seen each other about 20-25 times in the last decade at weddings, family holidays or funerals.

The email holds very little back and cites details and facts because my mother and father are very good at diverting and distorting. I do not directly “speak” to them but to my cousin the listener in the email. He has been supportive and has said very little (which is okay) about the content. I view this as a purging and a final email.

Once I complete the email I want to send it in PDF form to my parents. My cousin will have a copy. My parents will use this in an effort to speak to me through other family members. This does worry me a little. I have detached myself from most of the toxic shit starters in my family and have no qualms adding more to the list.

I am NOT seeking my parents to see the errors of their ways or an apology. I realized several years ago these people will die toxic people. I also no longer care about my parents views of me. This email is very liberating.

My father stated for the first time he no longer loves me. I stopped trying to seek consciousness with 2 miserable controlling pretentious people. I no longer care that I am not daddy’s girl.

Can sending my parents my email (once finished) about the harm they caused my sibling and me be an effective form of REVENGE? I am seeking my coup de grâce?

Toodles,
Sia

by 89abc123 Sun Jul 17, 2016 4:05 am

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Post n°154

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by 89abc123 Sun Jul 17, 2016 4:05 am

Hi Richard,

I wanted to ask a question about boundaries. I feel like I'm just not getting it. The narc in my life is my older bro and it's been too much of a shit fight to go no contact, so I'm trying to learn techniques to minimise the hurt. I feel like if I try and set a boundary, he takes that as a sign that yes what he is doing is hurting me and he gets his shitty little ego boost. I've watched a lot of YouTube vids over the past year and I find some of the info conflicting. I've seen plenty of videos saying that you need to set boundaries with narcs, then plenty of others that say that narcs don't respect boundaries anyway. I've also seen a lot about being indifferent, going grey rock and not letting them see an emotional response...I feel like if I say 'can you please not......because it really bothers me' it goes against the grey rock technique. is grey rock a form of a boundary in itself? I feel like I'm just not understanding boundaries or even what the word boundary means.

I have done alot of inner child journalling and imagery rescripting therapy to heal old wounds but I still seem to be constantly getting comments from strangers about my personality and my looks, comments like 'you need to change your hair, you need to get a boyfriend, you need to be more outgoing' etc. is this a sign that I'm not going hard enough at healing old wounds?? These comments come from people who I've literally known for about 5 minutes. Again it's the boundary thing, I don't know how to get people to stop without looking crazy and reactive.

I wanted to say a huge thankyou as well. You made a comment on your last podcast that codependents are attracted by red flags, not put off by them and that was a life saving statement! I attract and (admitting this for the first time) am attracted to men who like to punish me for existing.

Thanks for all you do

by Nynke Wed Jul 20, 2016 5:00 pm

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Post n°155

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by Nynke Wed Jul 20, 2016 5:00 pm

Hi Richard,

I was wondering.. 2 weeks ago I had a session with my psychologist and we talked about a particular memory I have of my ex. (imaginal exposure).
During that session I didn't felt much emotions, which is a problem for the last few weeks anyways for me. But I thought I was doing OK, that it was just a small thing we talked about and I kinda felt embarrased that I was talking about something so trivial, (Also another problem, I feel like all the things my ex did were just tiny things and not "bad enough", but everything together of the 11 years we were together, is painfull).
After the session I went back to my job and after 30 minutes or so I made a stupid, small mistake and suddenly that seemed to trigger me. I felt like a loser, I felt like as if I made a huge mistake and felt "hopeless" and immediately after that, I got to the edge of getting a panic/hyperventilation attack. I got light headed, not totally "there", I had to focus on my breath because I felt like I couldn't get enough air etc. I was able to control it, so it didn't became a real panic/hyperventilation attack, but that feeling like I was on the edge of getting one, didn't go away and lasted for 2 days.
I was pretty confused about it, that I responded like this after my session. But a few days later I realized that this was a common feeling for me during my relationship. I had that feeling of anxiety so often during several situations with my ex. I was wondering, is this what you call an emotional flashback, and is this just something I have to go through in order to heal?
My ex and I broke up almost 2 years ago but only a few months ago I started seeing a therapist because I couldn't put on my fake smile anymore and just continue my life. I switched to another therapist/psychologist a few weeks ago because the first one was just making things worse by telling me to just get over it, just move on with my life (which I already did by that time, got my bachelor degree, moved to the other side of the country for a new job, lost 18kg in a year and started to do sports again.. but I never give myself the time to heal emotionally, I just kept on going) The psychologist I have now understands that I know where I have to go, that I know how to do all the practical stuff of moving on, but that I have to deal with the emotional stuff first.

Thanks a lot, your videos have helped me so much already for the last year!

by LoneCamel Wed Jul 20, 2016 5:09 pm

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Post n°156

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by LoneCamel Wed Jul 20, 2016 5:09 pm

Richard!

I wonder if a person like me (w. NAVS) in love relationships would unconsciously try to provoke narc behaviour in spouse even though they are pretty much norms. I'm afraid I might have been doing it myself, trying to act out the old drama because not being aware or in control of how I am wired.

Also, I think I managed to scare a narc away by lovebombing THEM! Kind of funny Smile

I mean my lovebombing was out of- I suppose - hunger, desperation, fear they might not want me. Kinda what Narcs do themselves? And by doing that maybe I became an uncomfortable mirror?

I keep asking this, sorry but can't figure it out: what does "traumatic break with reality" really mean? Is it like a psychosis? How does it effect you long-term? Or do you simply mean "trauma"? I don't get it.

by senileyoungdude Wed Jul 20, 2016 6:15 pm

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Post n°157

Toxic shame

by senileyoungdude Wed Jul 20, 2016 6:15 pm

I was wondering if you had any more thoughts on toxic shame?

I find it extremely difficult to deal with as I have received almost exclusively negative reinforcement from my environment. I have the postures and mannerisms of an abused dog and it is quite noticeable. It seems to have a lot to do with the things you talked about in your room 101 video.

by hotsaus Wed Jul 20, 2016 6:56 pm

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Post n°158

single narc mom's only child

by hotsaus Wed Jul 20, 2016 6:56 pm

so it's weird because i was often the scapegoat and the golden child once in a while. my question is how do i best prove to myself that it was not ok to not love a child, when i think about stuff i often negate the bad and offer excuses for my mothers behavior. i know i have to do the deep work of remembering my childhood although most of it i was disassociated. Sad

help i am reading from surviving to thriving but i can't seem to love myself enough to cry without rationalizing my feelings - it could have been worse...blah blah TIA I am absolutely indebted to you for all your knowledge you share, it's been a tremendous help for me..

by HealthyBoundariesAbound Wed Jul 20, 2016 11:56 pm

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Post n°159

EMDR THERAPY: DOES IT WORK? / HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NARC AND A PSYCHO

by HealthyBoundariesAbound Wed Jul 20, 2016 11:56 pm

Hi Richard, thank you for your life's work. It has helped me along my recovery from narcissistic abuse from a sociopathic ex fiancé. It may have even saved my life, quite literally. I had no idea I was engaged to a con artist who turned out to have at least 4 other girlfriends (that I know of), one of whom had unsuccessfully attempted to contact me to warn me that I was dating a sociopath. He had apparently kidnapped her, beat her, and almost strangled her to death when she found out I existed and first attempted to reach out to me a year ago.

It was your body of work that opened my eyes to the fact that I was being abused by a Cluster B disordered personality, which then led me to find this other woman I had suspected he'd been seeing, at which point she shared with me her story of being nearly killed by my fiancé. Once I realized I was in serious danger, I was able to escape my abuser by using the REAL map that your body of work provided me with. I was also kidnapped, assaulted and almost killed in the course of said escape (but I'll save THAT story for the memoir I should probably write but most likely will never get around to lol). I am now recovering from the entire traumatic endeavor and you played a pivotal role in bringing me here to this safe place I now find myself in. SO..... THANKS FOR THAT! Good lookin out!

My questions for you are....

#1) I've recently learned about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy) being used by those recovering from trauma.
I've seen some really positive statistics about it's effectiveness compared to CBT but few seem to know much about it (I believe it's fairly new). Could you please share your thoughts and knowledge of EMDR before I utilize it in my recovery from trauma and complex PTSD? Where might one go to find a QUALITY EMDR specialist?

#2: I understand there are only very subtle variations in personality traits between the different types of dark tetrad/Cluster B disordered individuals (i.e. the narcissist, the sociopath, the psychopath etc). I find that fairly confusing. What are the harbinger ways to tell the differences between these predators? They all seem to share almost all of the exact same traits.

And finally...
#3: Are there any major parts of your advice on narcissists that you would not have me apply to sociopaths and psychopaths as well? Or does most of your advice on NPD also apply to the antisocial/darker side of the dark tetrad disorders as well?

I know I say this on behalf of ALL of us around the world, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS .You're an angel! A handsome, sarcastic little angel! I love the fact that you're kind of a DORK and very much enjoy your snarky sense of humor. Thanks for making us smile as you help us heal our hearts. <3

by Aaron6200 Thu Jul 21, 2016 12:22 am

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Post n°160

My N parent's prison

by Aaron6200 Thu Jul 21, 2016 12:22 am

Hi, my name is Aaron. I am 31 years old, and I live in my dad's attic.
I am apart of at least several elaborate double binds. The one that concerns me most is, I am yelled at to get a job, I finally get a job, they call that job and get me fired, and they continue to yell at me. Anything I get or create, they will take away and destroy. They use every type of abuse. They stopped hitting me a few years ago, but now they get psychotic roommates who hit me, for them. I must escape, but I have nothing. I'm a scape goat, so no family, no friends (no one believes me). I don't even have my health, they made sure of that. I googled 'men escape narcissist' there was nothing. Sure a few people have, but they have successful businesses. I could just move too if I had a successful business. I have severe PTSD, CPTSD, and who knows what else. My only options are school or jail. I am stuck in survival mode, so I can't sit down and read. There are no services for men where I live.

Any ideas? I'm trying to get into homeless shelters, there is a waiting list.

by blahblah77 Thu Jul 21, 2016 7:06 am

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Post n°161

Question about "reparenting"

by blahblah77 Thu Jul 21, 2016 7:06 am

I just listened to your podcast called "enemy mine". Ok that is good information but what exactly do I do with it? Like I can acknowledge all day that my model of reality might be slightly off, that I have a gross, sweaty, addiction to narcissistic people, that my childhood was absolutely a train wreck, that my parents, sibling, and most friends I grew up with are a little sick at the very least. Sure. My question is how do I heal from that when I have never experienced life on the other side? Like I'm basically just kicking the air and seeing what I hit at this point. So far my inner critic has shrunk, I can deal with verbal conflict in a lot of situations without getting aggressive or passive aggressive, and I seem to be getting better at maintaining a calm state. But I don't think I'm quite "there" yet. I still have blind spots and still am struggling in certain areas of life. It is annoying. I just want to suggest possibly you could do a video or even a course on "reparenting" one's self? How do we learn to behave like adults in difficult situations? How do we do the simple things that our parents never taught us to do (for me it is almost everything, my parents taught me very little about how to take care of myself)? How do we become more self aware and able to see our blind spots? What does love really look like? Feel like? What kinds of people should we want in our lives? Basically, to sum up all of my questions into one - HOW DOES A STABLE, SELF CHAMPIONING, SOVEREIGN ADULT FUNCTION IN THE WORLD? If I could just SEE that blueprint, then I could at least have a direction to go in. So far it has been baby steps for me and I'm sure other people are experiencing similar difficulties. It seems like it is not particularly easy to fully heal; I tend to take a few steps forward and some backward over and over again.

by faerietales Thu Jul 21, 2016 9:28 pm

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Post n°162

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by faerietales Thu Jul 21, 2016 9:28 pm

I have a few questions about codependency and counter-dependency.

I grew up with an alcoholic father who died when I was barely a teenager in a drunk driving accident. My mother- when my father was alive- seemed to spend most of my childhood arguing with him/trying to control him or being anxious or worried constantly about him and just about every thing else. When he passed away, all the energy she used trying to control him she turned towards me and I wasn't allowed to have any normal teenage years. I had to constantly fight to have freedom and my own identity as I was constantly told who I was and essentially that I was always wrong. Even as a child I remember not feeling very connected to my mother, but I loved my father very very much. His death hit me extremely hard. We were a family of favourites- Dad and me, my sister and my mom.
My sister is more codependent but is happy and successful in life, very ambitious- but always trying to care for and do things for everyone around her. I don't quite feel the same way.
I read up on counter-dependency and some (but not all) of what it said made sense to me. I got involved with and married a man who I didn't feel I could be very intimate with at an emotional level because it felt safer to me that way, but I have been in relationships where I have felt very connected and it scares me so much I run away.
My husband ended up being a covert narcissist, with a secret sex addiction and other things besides. We separated 3 years ago and since then I seem to go back and forth between wanting to connect and wanting to be left the hell alone. Lately it's been the desire to be left the hell alone. If I really like someone, I keep them as friends. I pick relationships with people I know aren't good for me- because if they are, I keep them platonic. I am consciously aware that I fear intimacy in relationships, but my friendships are pretty solid. I like being alone because I find it peaceful, but I do feel like I am constantly missing something and of course I get lonely too.
In my marriage there were times where I switched from one extreme to another and found myself more co-dependent and still do. But when I find I can't please someone or otherwise fix a situation, I usually say F--- it and walk away, which my dad used to do too actually, he went to the bar and got hammered. I just do other, more nerdy things like be a loner introvert and read a book and self isolate.
My questions are
1) what is the difference between how codependents and counter-dependents evolve in an abusive home?
2) how and why can you switch from one extreme to the other inside a single relationship? I read that they are often in relationships together and partners can switch roles
3) After realizing that I was with a covert narcissist, I seem to be most attracted to overt narcissists now, where I never used to be. Sometimes I realize right away and sometimes I don't- is there any link between counter-dependence and dating narcissists? Or is this co-dependence?
4) I don't feel like I am really one or the other- sometimes my boundaries are rigid and sometimes they are non existent. I feel like I perhaps don't quite understand the difference, especially if you can change from one to another. Would you be able to explain what the differences are and how it relates to abuse and CPTSD?

by joanna87 Sat Jul 23, 2016 6:17 pm

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Post n°163

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by joanna87 Sat Jul 23, 2016 6:17 pm

Hi, Richie

I was wondering about CPTSD and creativity. In one of your videos you said that CPTSDs tend to be very creative. I had to forget about visual arts in my teens, because my mother would always destroy things that I made and make me throw it all out. After one of those "police raids" I had enough, I was done with art. Years later, I am switching my job to arts, but I am too afraid to be creative (creativity being the key in this business!). The same with anything in life that requires SPONTANEITY (singing, dancing, jokes... you name it). As if my inner critic told me that acting freely in front of others would end in something unbearable. It sucks. How to shut it up and stop being afraid to enjoy life?

by madgirl Mon Jul 25, 2016 12:10 am

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Post n°164

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by madgirl Mon Jul 25, 2016 12:10 am

Hi. I'm not clear if questions go here in a reply on this thread or just as a new topic in Q&A so sorry if I assumed wrong.

My question: is there a good way to deal with narcissistic teacher?

Last edited by madgirl on Tue Aug 02, 2016 6:15 pm; edited 1 time in total

by Sia Mon Jul 25, 2016 12:26 am

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Post n°165

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by Sia Mon Jul 25, 2016 12:26 am

madgirl wrote:Hi. I'm not clear if questions go here in a reply on this thread or just as a new topic in Q&A so sorry if I assumed wrong.

My question: is there a good way to deal with narcissistic teacher/teacher's wife - not sure who plays which role? I'm learning my art/sport from a brilliant master. His wife runs the business side of things. The technical material is taught online and there is a forum for students. The practical application is taught in person through private instruction. I was receiving public praise and promotion from them and also privately through messaging for my "brilliance" which is very dim compared to his! The material is challenging, but I quickly gained a thorough understanding and I help other students. I was volunteering several hours a week answering technical questions / comments, proof reading technical articles etc. They flew me to their home half way across the country (not my first time visiting) and told me they want me to be a part of the business as it grows. Like clockwork, shortly after, off with my head - almost. I was accused of something I did not do and I have the messages to prove it! He encouraged me to teach other students on more than one occasion. He is promoted as a trainer of trainers. I am a trainer. I began teaching other students, then he informed me that she felt I betrayed her....they seem like one person with a split and conflicting personality because we communicate via one messenger account - hers. It is hard to discern who felt what, and it probably doesn't matter. Though I know I did nothing wrong, I apologized humbly, (to whom, I don't know). Through your material, I am able to review this with my new narc spotter goggles and I can see the classic play. I was fawning they were eating it up, i threatened the supply (how?), and off with my head. Now I am back in their good graces but at a distance. No more volunteering. It is very important to me to continue my education with them and I don't want any part of the enabler/narc relationship. I have let go of the idea of working directly for them: once bitten...no thanks. Do you have any recommendations for how I should proceed? Thanks!! Side note: how enlightening to be able to look back on my "trail of destruction" and make sense of it now. All those experiences are now learning tools in a whole new light.

I know this question is for Richard. If you continue this business relationship even on a limited basis and at a distance don't you feel you deserve a clear and unambiguous explanation from both parties concerning the false allegation? What makes you think you are truly back in their "good graces"? Don't apologize for something you didn't do. Start your own business. My 2 cents. I wish you well. sunny

by XOXOXOXO Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:14 pm

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Post n°166

deleted

by XOXOXOXO Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:14 pm

deleted

Last edited by XOXOXOXO on Sun Mar 08, 2020 5:40 pm; edited 1 time in total

by breakfree Tue Jul 26, 2016 7:36 am

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Post n°167

BFI seminar

by breakfree Tue Jul 26, 2016 7:36 am

Hello
Due to some technical wizardry I seem to have by passed the rsvp section for this seminar. I have paid via PayPal but please could you confirm I have a place despite not rsvping?

by Recovering Tue Jul 26, 2016 12:09 pm

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Post n°168

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by Recovering Tue Jul 26, 2016 12:09 pm

Hi Richard

We met at that table-service Starbucks a month ago. I am training as a therapist - five years done, one year to go - and am working on the connection between my own childhood experiences and my desire to be a therapist. I suspect that people who have had a lovely childhood generally don't become therapists. I am hoping that your work can shed light on both parts of that for me: how to help myself, and how to help others.

I feel as if I am hearing a change or development in your message: talking about Klein, projective identification, and childhood. I totally agree with you about that. To me it's all about my childhood.
Where I think I disagree with you is about the Narcs: I'm sure I've heard you say, they know what they are doing, they know it's wrong, and they could stop if they wanted to. My view is, they too were damaged in childhood, and most are not capable of being different, or at least not without help. Do you still hold that view? Or did I misunderstand? Thanks

(Moved this here from another thread)

by ss Tue Jul 26, 2016 10:47 pm

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Post n°169

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by ss Tue Jul 26, 2016 10:47 pm

Hello again...

I notice that although I have managed to keep out narcissists and abusive people from my friendly circles, and although I manage to keep away from abusive lovers, I still struggle with such people in the work environment.
I have always had problems with demanding my worth in the workplace, Ive been putting myself down a lot and then had flight responses, and anger. I have made progress in communicating, and in feeling that I have a right to get paid for my work, and put boundaries and protect myself. I mean, it was a lot of work already to get in this point. But I notice that I still get some power from those flights.

Just today I had a flight response. The last 3 days I was feeling emotionally tired and unable to function or think properly over this situation, and just had to take care of myself and do nothing. And today, the moment I finished working on the product, I quit. I cancelled the job, without even having planed it in my head. Spontaneously. And then I feel great! and happy again! and my head clears from the fog of gaslighting and Im sure that I dont want such people in my life. The person, I tried to work with, has a totally weird and ambivalent and even hysterical behavior. And was planning to not pay me anyway. So by cancelling the job, he changed 5 behaviors in a few hours, in order to get my work for free... which I read in emails.... and called me 15 to 20 times. Although I made it clear I didnt want to talk anymore. Its crazy. Which reassures me that I did well in flighting. And putting a high fence that I want this money and then you get the product and anyway I dont want to work with you again. Period. Enough of this.

And I ask myself, and you Richard, a bit frightened but happy too:
"Where did I put myself into again?
AND WHY?
Do I unconsciously seek for situations where I will spontaneously flight and feel high?"

I mean, I shouldnt be cooperating with this person, the signs of untrustworthiness where there from the start. It only lasted for a month though, and I m happy I didnt stay in such a circle longer.
I feel like my self esteem levels create a whirlpool that attract abusive people or distracts them. And that I shouldnt really count on the people I have met in periods that I wasnt feeling emotionaly balanced.

I guess Id like to hear from you more on these things that trouble me now that Im trying to get my life back in stability.

P.S. I like that you mention journaling because yeah, it has actually helped me a lot to come out of the rut of not taking care of myself. And of keeping away abusive people from my environment. And it really helps me feel better. I do it years now, it is time I dedicate to myself. It has helped me clear a lot of things out and change my point of view in past and present situations.

by Sia Wed Jul 27, 2016 2:36 am

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Post n°170

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by Sia Wed Jul 27, 2016 2:36 am

christina.s wrote:

P.S. I like that you mention journaling because yeah, it has actually helped me a lot to come out of the rut of not taking care of myself. And of keeping away abusive people from my environment. And it really helps me feel better. I do it years now, it is time I dedicate to myself. It has helped me clear a lot of things out and change my point of view in past and present situations.

Hello Christina,
I wanted to ask you about journaling. I know Richard has mentioned in one of his videos the importance of using a vast array of adjectives to describe our feelings and to avoid "philosophizing" about our experiences. My fear is that my journal will turn into an online book of pain from the current NARCS in my life. I am literally afaird to start one. You can PM me, if you like. Toodles!

by basshunt Wed Jul 27, 2016 3:04 am

basshunt

basshunt: Posts : 1
Join date : 2016-07-27

Post n°171

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by basshunt Wed Jul 27, 2016 3:04 am

Hi Richard,

As a teen living at home, how am I supposed to cope with my narcissistic parents (mainly mother) and my father who enables her. I realized after watching your videos that I am in fact the golden child of the family and my sister is the black sheep. This new information is distressing because I don't want to be in this position. I don't want my parents to have a lot of expectations for me, and I'm sick of the way they treat my sister. They're also starting to hate me because I've "rebelled" in a few ways. I feel like I would be the most mentally healthy if I was independent and living on my own. However, that isn't an option right now, so how do I cope?

- Thanks, I love your videos keep up the great work!

by LoneCamel Thu Jul 28, 2016 5:52 am

LoneCamel

LoneCamel: Posts : 3
Join date : 2016-04-16

Post n°172

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by LoneCamel Thu Jul 28, 2016 5:52 am

Overt/covert - don't we need a third, middle one? It's starting to bug me. Not many narcs wave around like windmills abt their narcness and the covert type doesn't fit the one's i've met either..Whatchya think Richard?

Or maybe not.

Last edited by LoneCamel on Thu Jul 28, 2016 5:59 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : self doubt and typo)

by Recovering Sun Jul 31, 2016 9:05 am

Recovering

Recovering: Posts : 4
Join date : 2016-07-23

Post n°173

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by Recovering Sun Jul 31, 2016 9:05 am

Speaking of projective identification, which came up on your recent talk, there is a really good scene in the film "Good Will Hunting" that illustrates it. Warning, it's strong material, perhaps not good viewing for the sensitive. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AvxR5vVgY4

Will has been very badly abused in childhood, he is full of rage. In this scene he succeeds in projecting it into Robin Williams, the therapist, making the therapist angry. At the moment where he succeeds in moving his rage into Williams, you can see him become calm and relaxed, and he (the client) says "time's up" ! That's projective identification. He can say to himself "hey, you're the one with the anger problem round here".

by HermitElf Mon Aug 01, 2016 1:10 pm

HermitElf

HermitElf: Posts : 3
Join date : 2014-06-02
Age : 34
Location : Argentina

Post n°174

Re: Ask Questions Here Please

by HermitElf Mon Aug 01, 2016 1:10 pm

Hi Richie, I've been following you for years but I never had an question to ask that wasn't already answered before. Now I do. Bearing in mind that us with cptsd are children inside adult bodies, we tend to be very naive. In my case I was always trolled as a child, teen and I still don't recognize when people are trolling others or maybe even myself. How do you become more street wise or less naive? without becoming paranoid of others' intentions. Thanks a lot!

by Rosenkohl Mon Aug 01, 2016 7:04 pm

Rosenkohl

Rosenkohl: Posts : 1
Join date : 2016-08-01

Post n°175

narcissistic triangulation and polyamory

by Rosenkohl Mon Aug 01, 2016 7:04 pm

Hi Richard!

Thank you for your youtube videos and the work you are doing.

I was wondering whether you could maybe sometime elaborate on narcissism and the use of triangulation in poly relatonships or the use of poly for triangulation.

[Just quick: I'm (monogamous) in a bad relationship with someone who is poly and has 2 other girlfriends. I'm the new one, number 3. There were always red flags like me only spending like less than 10 nights with him in 1 1/2 years and constantly getting stood up by him with the excuse of him being ill like every other week and the illnesses get crazier and more outlandish every time. Just recently I started noticing his weird way of communicating. When I send him a mail with questions about us or his other relationships he never replys to the questions which are the most important and interesting. Basically he never seems the really SAY anything ever. He refuses to establish contact between me and one of his partners, got very agressive when I asked about her last name and so on. I've been trying to meet her for months now and all he keeps telling me is that she is too stressed out at the moment and maybe they will break up. Meanwhile this partner I'm not supposed to meet, number 2, is unhappy about me existing and I am unhappy about number 1 and I just can't help but feeling that he's in some way pulling the strings, sometimes by something simple as commenting and liking pictures of one girlfriend while completly ignoring the other ones posts. I don't know. I'm either childish and crazy, or something is incredibly off.]

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