Ask Questions Here Please

hey folks, Im receiving questions all over the place at the moment and so many of them are absolute gold that it seems a shame to not cover them.

Please ask them all here and I will try and keep copy and pasting questions into this forum too.

Thanks!

*Deleted this question because I found the answer elsewhere*

Hi Richard,

I'm going through a divorce with a covert/vulnerable narcissistic man. He went from deeply in love to done and discarded very quickly. I'm having a very hard time getting past this even though the marriage lasted only 6 months and he lived with me only 42 days across those 6 months. He's already onto a new "supply". I have learnt from your videos that I have a people pleasing syndrome and I sold myself too short in this marriage.

1) I want to regain my self-worth. Where do I begin?
2) How can I be self-assertive and avoid attracting narcissistic men? I have very low self-esteem.
3) When will the pain stop...I know there's no easy way out. Minute by minute seems so difficult right now.

I dread the moment when the divorce will be finalized as it took many years for me to find someone to marry. Is there a way I could shift my perspective so that it feels more like freedom rather than a loss? I'm 30 and I can't envision a life of loneliness.

Thanks.

First off,Hi Richard,love your YT vids.I have watched most of them in the aftermath of a twelve year relationship with a NPD woman(Who I have kids with and wont let go three years on)!My eyes have truly been opened to PD's as I never even knew such things existed.I wish now I didn't as the whole ordeal of my past is now consuming my everyday thoughts.I am I believe highly co dependent and like a lot of us that form attachments with these people,we have tonnes of our own issues,mine being long term opiate addiction,which for the past six years I have mainly under control with 'blowouts' only occuring after death in family and loss of a SO.I met a woman a year and half after ending r's with my Narc ex.We actually watched some of your vids together.One year on and after ignoring many red flags,I discover she is a poster girl BPD Waif.I know it's not up to me to diagnose,but it's all there no doubt!My questions are as follows...

1)Can a BPD woman also be a covert Narc?I'm a bit confused on this one.I ask this as when we watched your vids,she actually said to me 'I hope you don't think I am a Narc?'!

2)I made the mistake of bringing up a few times after the r's ended that I felt she suffered this.Even though she rang me one night telling me 'I'm empty inside' 'I'm weird' 'I don't know who I am' etc.She has now backtracked,denied this and has basically done a 180 and i'm now a Narc in her mind.She and I are NC now two month.I am giving up of ever bringing this up again if we ever get on speaking terms as she has to know this is why she feels the way she has all her life.Do you think it's in her and my best interest to just drop it as she is an adult and has to make her own choices regardless of how much I care?

3)Grieving in reverse.How much do you know about this or is there much weight to it?Is it just a repression of emotions,then as time goes on the dam just overflows and the pain hits them when we have worked through our grief?

4)I read that they seem to jump into new r's very quickly.Five months on and she hasn't.This goes against her past as she never seemed to be without a partner for very long.Do some Bpd woman fill that void with friends or other activities.Is this against the 'norm'?

5)This isn't a Q,just a thank you for all your free advice.It has helped me to understand a lot about my past relationships(All 3 with Pd women) and face my own issues.By my questions it's obvious i'm looking to try and learn how to best cope if re-ignition is going to happen on down the line.I just want to try and be prepared wether or not i'm going to reconnect.Thank you!

After watching the videos in your class, I'm wondering if I have to be very careful with the therapist I choose to help recover from CPTSD.

What are some questions I should be asking when I call them? So far I am going to ask if they've successfully treated someone with CPTSD in the past.


The reason I ask, is that my previous therapist continued to treat me, but avoided talking about what caused my CPTSD. I don't think she was trained for it so she didn't want to unearth what I have buried. Still, her ego was too big to refer me to someone who could actually help.

Hi Richard,

My question is how do I deal with if I happen to (and probably will) bump into my convert narcissistic mother.  I have cut her off.  She has badmouthed me to my sister (that I know of) and got my sister on her side (which she always does).  My mother sent me a very nasty letter, accusing me of being mentally sick and that I needed to see my dr, plus much more.  Im totally over all my family.  I am feeling very anxious about bumping into her.  I do love my mother.  I know if I just deal with her by saying I'm not getting into any discussion about our relationship, she will still think and deal with me as I am mentally not well.  With my mother she is always the victim and poor her.  Just need some strategies to empower myself so that I don't feel so anxious about this.

Hey Richard,

Despite everything I ended up well (no medication, a degree, a job, my own apartment, a few good friends, broke with my family) and a year ago I started my healing proces for the very first time.
I wouldn't want it otherwise despite this painful process because for the first time since forever all of this makes sense and I don't blame myself anymore. I just wondering if you're familiar with healing your innerchild as this is a big key to dealing with my childhood trauma's and (C)PTSD? I'm trying to take care of her as an adult but damn, how hard is that!? How do I start? All the guilt, the shame, the self-hate, the ignorance, my perfectionism, ... How do you leave it behind as an adult?

Thanks.

This is an idea for a you tube video or google hang out session regarding tips for protecting yourself from those who are using NLP techniques in an unethical way. I figure simply knowing your vulnerabilities and being aware that they are indeed weak points that could be targeted for exploitation would be a good place to start. This way you could detect when someone is trying to punch you in the soft spots..and when they do this you could make an effort to neutralize the attack.... I'm sure you have a lot better tips and i think that would be useful knowledge for all... maybe a short video? and do you take donations or anything like that for all the time you put into this ? if so, where would one make a donation?

Hi Richard
I wonder if you can advise or help me understand my (hopefully soon to be) ex husband. I am trying to go through a divorce and he is doing everything he can to make sure myself and the kids are left with nothing. Even although my lawyer tells me I can go for a lot more I am trying to do a simple 50/50. He keeps sending me nasty messages on special days like Mother's Day, my birthday etc and took my bed (which I bought to help my back) which has resulted me not sleeping or eating for 4 weeks now. Whilst sending me nasty messages he immediately sends the kinds mind game texts. Our daughter won't talk to him and son is getting to that stage also. He has done MANY bad things that if I were him I wouldn't want this to go to court but he wants to win so badly that he is only interested in winning. My kids are constantly traumatised by him.
You have helped so much I hope you can shine a light on this also.
Many thanks

Hi Richard... I'm interested in your view, as i know that you are a man that has suffered abuse at the hands of a woman, of the tv advert about being abusive, that is aimed only at males. I'm personally shocked that abuse against males has not been addressed by the advert and those of other sexual orientations. This is clearly unfair to me and I wondered what you think....

Hi Richard. The opportunity to ask you a question is superb! I'll put it in a nutshell as much as possible.

I was with someone for 5 years and tbh it was pretty good. I never felt like I was under control, (and I'm quite a strong independent type!) I'm quite hedonistic (maybe slightly narcissistic) and we essentially fed each other. It ended when he found a new playmate at work. I kicked him out, felt his issues were not actually sex addiction and we went for therapy. NPD (more covert but can swing between the two) was diagnosed by a psychologist specialising in PD. At this I ended the therapy and he vowed to go away and change his behaviours. I know he hasn't been up to anything, (I have my covert methods) other than working (I do know he has been self soothing) He's respecting all my wishes, not hassling me or anything spooky. Openly talks about his narcissistic traits and previous bad behaviour and has done so, albeit rather shamefully, even in front of others (much to my surprise as from my readings NPD do not do this.) This is the reason I am confused as everything I read says they do not admit it or like to admit it.

My question is, is it possible for him to change? I'm looking at self confessed NPD (Sam V) and see that he is married...so something must work? We've been apart 3 months so far and now is the time that I either continue on as I am, giving him time and space to either f*** up or adopt new behaviours ( I set 6 months) or I just turn around and say I'm moving on.

Hey,

could you explain what the difference between Cptsd ans Bpd? I´m diagnosed with Bpd and can relate to the symptoms and the explanations of Kreisman & Straus very much. This makes absolute sense in my live. Now you baffled me by saying a borderline person has no compassion. I feel the feelings of other people as if they were my own, but don´t know what I feel. This was essentially for my surviving in my family. I needed to be hypersensitive to other peoples emotions so I could foresee when bad things could happen and manipulate to prevent them from happening. I needed to feel what my parents wanted to see, so they would like me and not hurt me too bad (couldn´t stop the emotional abuse either, well...). I needed to be informed about what someone feels and thinks to understand the real meaning of a doublebind-sentence in order to not be suprised by an attack or reaction. I´ve been on a longterm-therapy ward for Bpd for 6 months and I know so many borderlines and they all feel like 3 year old kids, just like I feel (well luckily I aged up two 5 in this therapy ;-)). For me there are two typs of borderlines: a) the ones being angry, loud, exploding b) the ones always smiling being the very good kid. But I know not one Borderline-Person who doesn´t suffer from complex traumatic problems and who doesn´t tell me that he has to watch for other peoples feelings because this was livesaving in his origin-family to foresee and prevent catastrophes. To me trauma in the very first years of your live and an ongoing complex traumatic surrounding are the reason for Bpd. I even do not know one Borderline who isn´t hyper sensitive towards agression or what other people want them to be. Just give it one tiny spark of the possibility of agression in a BPD-therapy-Group in hospital and not a second later everyones reacting to this by either dissoziating or trying to be very nice to cool everyone down or by fighting back. In my experience, Bpds are the first in a room to notice what´s going on in the other people, cause they´re checking this all the time to be in controle of the situation and stay save. Ok some try to be the nice kid and do everything to make you like them and others are keen on seeming dangerous and impressive, but that´s essentially the same strategy not to get hurt. But if I check the emotional state of other people over and over again, I cannot be not empathic, can I? Could you explain this for me? I´m confused....
Wow, I just got afraid that I don´t have compassion... How do I know if I´m really compassioned and not just thinking that I know what other people feel?    this is scary....

Please don´t forget about the selfharm-video you promised me in the last hangout

Do NPD's hang out together? From my perspective, it looks like they do... After 30years of abuse, I've woken up to NPD reality (oh yes, after 1 year of study, I'm absolutely certain).

But I find I've been surrounded by NPD's all my life. Or am I being just paranoid due to CPTSD from the significant abuser who's been in my life for far too long (now out of it, permanently)?

Richard, your videos have saved me! There's nothing else quite like them, you're delivery method and willingness to explore the content at depth Is gold, thank you.

My Q:
I had a 'first love' at age 20, the relationship lasted 3-4 years and mutually ended when she went away for travel. I can say with certainty I was in love, I felt vulnerable and connected, like you should.

From then on, every girl I saw afterwards I'd get stuck in a game of comparison to said first love, which would Involve me initially idealizing them and then devaluing and eventually breaking up with them. Once single (and alone and unhappy) I'd Idealize them again, embellish how good it was , forcibly overlook my devaluation and then get stuck in emotional reasoning and date them again. The cycle would repeat....this happened with at least half a dozen partners, the outcome was always the same.Beng good looking with charm helped me along, I had no shortage of dates.I had no idea what was going on, I couldn't tell if it was me being picky or they just weren't right for me.

After maybe 5 years of this, the comparing to my original love stopped but the idealizing devaluing didn't. I can literally split from idealisation to devaluation within minutes, it's absurd and has led me to retract from relationships and dating until I can resolve it. If you could provide any info on what is going on here I'd be grateful, I really don't want to be like this and I don't want to hurt others or myself!!

Note: I've been diagnosed with cPTSD 2 years ago. I believed my father was NPD/BPD and whilst I don't consider myself NPD, I have in my time had plenty of Narcissistic traits which have reduced significantly since my diagnosis , therapy and self psychoeducation..





.

Jamie james...think you've hit my nail on the head there! Thank you I've posted another Q to Richard and if he can tie this in with my original question he may have a better answer for me Only difference is I'm fortunately not suffering with cPTSD.

Hey Richie,
Was wondering if you could cover trauma bonding and the very specific bit where us folks "cannot create a stable feeling memory/internal object" of our abusers, in maybe a funny more in depth lighthearted way. Diagrams or amazing analogies?

I was only able to find one very short video of you discussing it after Rhianna got smacked around.

I'm not so much interested in WHY folks stay, but rather a expounding on that crippling inability to plant them in the head as good or bad. How could we wanna be so intimate with such a lizard? What are some questions we can ask of ourselves?

LOVE YOU

Just watched a video that gave me a shorter way of asking than I did in my comment on the last hangout:

How can I break the "He tells me that he hurts me, because I made him hurt me"-Spell of the zombie-witch-doctor?

I´m a sexually abused child, I´m dissoziating, panicing, attacing and all this stuff when it gets intimate. I told my boyfriend, cause I wanted him to be save and maybe work on it (I didn´t know I was with a narc). He used this information by blaming me for looking good though I knew that this turns him on. He thought I was looking good in order to torture him by his instincts and therefore he now has to punish me by physically turning me on up to his level. Well he cornered me and really really bad things happened, which he blamed me for, because he was "scared".
I´m out of this relationship - so many brutal things happened - but he´s gone now. My head knows that this "You made me do that" is rubbish. My head knows that the stuff my mother told me about men is rubbish. She thinks men are animals and unable to control their thrives, so that as a woman you have to satisfy your man, cause otherwise it´s like torturing animals. I know that it is rubbish, that she told me that looking good triggers man and therefore commits to having sex.
But the feeling that I made him do this and that my mum was just telling me a peace of truth about this world and men is haunting me and triggers hate against myself and everything that makes me a woman.  I´m flashbacking on this situation over and over again, I´m afraid of everything, I suddenly don´t know how to sit/ talk/ look/ whatever without possibly trigger someone, I verbally fight everybody who tries to talk to me in order to impress them before they hurt me, I suddenly burst out in tears, I´m selfharming, I´m so tensed I cannot sleep and I am agressiv as hell but on the inside I´m simply shaking with fear....

The flashbacks are bad enough, Rich, how do I get rid of that spell that tells me that it´s all my fault and that I wantes it that way? I need to get rid of that hate against myself, cause this gets quite dangerous over here.....

Richard Grannon wrote:

a person wrote:1) Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with someone with CPTSD, if they are following up with therapy and the necessary steps to recover?
2) Can being in a relationship with someone with CPTSD bring out codependent/fawning coping mechanisms, and is that just an unhealthy dynamic?
3) What is the best way to be supportive to someone with CPTSD?
4) Is it even possible to separate regular "relationship" issues vs CPTSD related issues, and honestly does the distinction even matter if it is causing unhappiness...?

Thank you Richard for taking my questions. To elaborate...I would be very interested to hear from somebody who is working through (or has worked through) their CPTSD, and the impact this has on their intimate relationships.

I am a people-pleaser due to my own upbringing, and am realizing (now) how damaging it is to neglect to voice my own needs, if I want an authentic and healthy relationship. I would appreciate insight into balancing my own needs with being there for someone with CPTSD. Sometimes I worry that voicing my own needs will be a trigger and will instigate a communication shutdown with the person who has CPTSD who is prone to push me away anyway. Insight is appreciated - thank you!

How does one give a shit? I got out of a horrible relationship, which was actually a great relationship until the completely random end. The relationship included the guy telling me every day how wonderful and smart and cute and fun and blablablaaaaaaaaaaaa I was, but then one day, totally out of the blue, he turned around and dumped me for being “too fat and ugly" for him. Then he'd get drunk and call me and tell me he loved me sooooooo much and how smart and wonderful and blablablaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I was, but that I was still too fat and ugly for him. BTW, he was no Magic Mike. He was quite the pudgy little potato himself.

So, I decided that if I'm going to be too fat and ugly to be lovable, I might as well get my money's worth, so I gained a metric fuckton of weight and replaced most of my wardrobe with sweatpants and cat hair. Why not? Life is terrible, food is yummy. It's going on three years since this happened and I've basically completely isolated myself since. On an average week, I'd say I only make it out of the house twice. Obviously the boyfriend isn't the only factor here, but it's the freshest one. I realize this is all HORRIBLY unhealthy, but I can't seem to give a shit enough to change it. It's not like I don't know I should be exercising and eating better, but who the hell cares?  

This is a little dark, but I finally realized that I'm basically committing passive suicide. I couldn't do it outright, but this way I can pretend it's an accident, like I'm a victim of some rare bonkers health malady (a few of which do run in the family) if I, say, have a heart attack and die, and thus wouldn't be "blamed" by my friends and family. The reason I'm committing passive suicide is because I feel like there is nothing to look forward to at all in life. I mean, if THIS is what life is going to be like, I don't want to live that long....and women on both sides of my family live for-fucking-EVER...well into their 90s.

I don't like this game. I don't want to play anymore...and I certainly don't want to play for another 60-70 years! Ergo, I have a hard time giving a shit about anything, least of all my health or forgetting that Doritos and cake is not a food group. So far, my experiences with therapy have NOT been good. It's been a pernicious potpourri of victim blaming, Oprah/Dr. Phil School of Bovine Scatology, and CBT (which stands for Cock Ball Turds as far as I'm concerned).

Oh, and I also have a problem with maladaptive daydreaming. So...that's fun.

Suggestions?

(Sorry for the novel)

I was wondering how to let people into my life when I feel like I always go through a lot to leave myself vulnerable. I haven't wanted to date anyone lately. I have problems with trust. I understand that I usually choose guys with similar problems. I guess that you call them narcissists. I lived with someone for 11 years that had a lot of these problems. They have all had the same family dynamics of an overwhelming father and co dependent mothers. Having childhood trauma like me. My parents, my dad was gone and my mom yelled a lot at me. I was abused in school. And then by a stepfather who was a teacher and a member of the Militia. so I went through extreme abuse from 3rd grade to 6th grade. By the time I was in high school I had to drop out because I was having too many problems. I lived with mike from the time I was 16 until I was 27. I haven't wanted to live with anyone since. Im afraid I wont get them to leave if it doesn't work out. Especially since he held me hostage for 4 hours and I had to go on the run for two months to get away from him. So I didnt want to date. I Have only had 4 relationships in the last 20 years since then. Im 46 now. I don't stay in contact with guys I meet because I see red flags and dump them. some times I wonder if I do this on purpose. I watched the last video you posted. I was thinking that maybe I have narcissistic tendencies. Maybe emulating my abusers? I want to control people that try to control me. But I know Im not a narcissist because I care about how other people feel and I don't want to hurt anyone. I would rather be alone than in a bad relationship. I don't understand why people want to hurt me. But now Im understanding why I feel like I have a big target on my back. I have been traumatized many times as an adult and have had nervous breakdowns. I thought I was doing well and then I get auto triggers and unlock repressed memories over all the stages of my life. Even present tense. I was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder. all I know is that I don't always remember everything that happened. I remember parts then my timeline is off. Like I have this memory from a couple summers ago, All I remember is being in a house I didn't recognize. I was walking down the stairs running my had against the wall. I remember feeling sad because all I remember is him saying was that he was leaving. He was wearing a dark grey sweater jacket with fleece lining. with a white line design horizontal in the middle and a red t shirt underneath. Blondish hair. couldn't see his face. I must have been thinking about it after the fact and the memory was out of place and I was really overwhelming sad and I didnt understand or know why. Then a few A few years later I see this YouTube video and starting having a lot of memory regressions. that I am questioning. I lost it at thanksgiving and im trying to put it all together. So im trying to get this resolved. somehow I don't feel like I can be comfortable enough to say what I want to say. I know that anything I do or say online can be seen. now I know where that fear is coming from. its hard for me to talk. So I don't think its fair to myself or anyone else to live like this. obviously I cant handle it because that was the worst nervous breakdown ive ever had. stabbing pains in my chest and my eyes rolling back into my head . adrenalin rushes so bad that I have to go to the hospital and get my heart rate converted? WTF??? those emotional flashbacks are really hard to manage. constant self awareness. its exhausting. Im coming down off of it and trying to deal with all the things that im remembering. So there's really no room for me to date or even try to find peace with all of this. I don't intend to let it all overwhelm me. not easy trying to find help or even someone that understands any of this that I can feel free to talk to. (apparently I was still a slave and blocked it out and now they don't want to let me retire ) so I found the set up and I hope they all go to jail. I don't even know how to wrap my head around all of that. How am I supposed to feel bout having my life threatened by a large group of people for the third f-in time in my life. I just don't want to deal with all the violence and hatred. so I guess it all comes down to my trust issues. my sense of safety in the present tense. And I got rid of a lot of my friends that were not good for me to be around. So I really don't have many options for therapy or personal support. Like you said CPTSD isn't well known. Neither is D.I.D for that matter. so I feel like I have to have some of these problems resolved for me to feel comfortable. so I use affirmations to tell myself that im not really ALONE im just alone and its ok. I don't think its fair to anyone to get pulled into my problems. But after spending so much time alone I get a little weird and talk to myself. get depressed. Now I have to deal with health issues from being poisoned by my water. Im really going to be upset if they don't go to jail. so my question is How do I live with the injustice of all of this? How do I feel safe when I know im really not? If I have all these walls around me for protection, how do I let anyone in? that includes hypnosis. especially when anyone I care about becomes a target. I got threatened. Im just sick of all of it but I have to deal with it because if I don't its going to be bad. that's why im here. because I know im not the only one with problems. so I try to talk about all of these things that not many people want to deal with,,, let alone understand.

Thanks for all the help so far, I've almost watched your entire YouTube page.
My question is when is this shit gonna end? It's been over 10yrs. But this is worse ive felt.
Read all around npd after a fucked up relationshit with an undiagnosed warped prick who was the poster child for this illness. Spent a long time feeling like a victim, read self help, had therapy, meditated, exercised a lot etc. but think I only understood on an intellectual level rather than applying deeper application of knowledge. It took years to become aware of my internal messed up map of reality.
Was hit by 3 of these types pretty close together, 2014, I'd known these people a long time. I flipped. Passive suicide feeling frightened the shit out of me.
Cut them off, changed diet and completed exercise goals since self esteem at all time low, I was worthless failure that didn't deserve oxygen.
Thought I'd restacked my spine. Started noticing that everyone I knew was a milder version of the full on narc. Wtf? Deleted more people and stopped contact. Still, something not right.
Got to the root recently. Bit too close to home. Oh hello covert mother! And brother. And sister. Now it makes sense. I'm trained to be this person I don't want to be.
I'm paranoid, isolated, jobless, practically recluse - a fraction of myself.
Recently reclaimed inner child, visited shaman healer (as therapist a useless narc too), grieved for childhood but experienced intense sobbing, aggression and panic attacks. Heavy going. Read pete walker, watched all your vids, read all sams work years ago, now listening to and reading about self compassion - I'm exhausted. 'Like a lost ball in the tall grass'.
Will this shit ever fucking end?
Enjoy humour btw. Big love from Lpool. Soz abah me essay

Richard,

I have been a long time follower of yours. I have bought and worked all your courses to help me recover from my abusive relationship with a covert narc that lasted 18 years, and my traumatic childhood before that. I feel I have made huge improvements in my cptsd, and have minimized the flashbacks a lot. My main problem now has to do with hormones and sex. I am in a relationship now with a wonderful man, who is wonderfully non narc-y and patient, but I still shut down emotionally when it comes to sex. I'm sure it's a flashback of some sort (my ex husband was my first sexual partner and a serial cheater), but I don't know how to tackle this one.

Thanks for your time

Richard, I've read your book and watched your youtube videos all year. EVERYDAY. My Boss shows traits of covert narcissism. When I realised this after going with my intuition and doing my homework (you) I set about protecting myself with no contact (I work up north, he in the south). He is on my mind EVERYDAY EVERY MINUTE.How and why does this happen and how can I end this mental misery (it's been 2 years).I am a non addictive person by nature. This suffering feels unnecessary. Please help me with a solution and i WILL do the work. Thankyou.