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Hello, everyone! 
(creepy clown)
Short story: I was brought up by my parents, who provided food, shelter, money, education. I didn't really receive real love, attention, affection from my emotionally ascetic parents. The tendency was to belittle me and my sister for wanting attention. So I grew up pretty much thirsty for attention, love, acceptance due to the neglectful and also authoritarian parenting style.
Im 25 and I found out only one year ago that my childhood wasnt as awesome as my parents were trying to convince me. I believed it was an okay childhood. I never really analysed it. It was forbidden to even doubt my parent's decisions, behaviour.
One of those things that I seem unable to fully understand is this: why are most of the people who come into my life untrustworthy? I've let go of some people whom I realised are not good for me. Still, some of the closest ones I have at the moment seem to have a phobia of commitment, they come and they go as they please, seemingly not understanding what their behaviour does to others.
I'll give you one example. I have this friend A. She has a similar past of abuse in her family, only in her case it was physical abuse: hitting, kicking, bruising, etc. When I manage to get hold of her, it's like two soul mates have met. We have so much in common and we understand one another so well, it's just amazing! We dont get tired of talking and sharing. BUT, when this face to face interaction ends, it's pretty much it. After the face to face contact it's very hard to get a hold of her. She becomes distant, doesnt try to find ways of meeting me, even though I've offered numerous times to do this or that. She declines 95% of time. I remember that after yet another time of her declining, I had this suspicious idea come into my head: maybe she's lying. I am naturally suspicious, yes, but this normally is with men, not women and especially people whom I consider soul mates. Me thinking that she's lying made me feel guilty and untrustworthy of myself: how can I even think she's lying? We have such a great face to face contact after all! Plus, when I tried telling her that it feels like she's avoiding me, she told me that my expectations for her are too high and that I'm expecting too much of her.
Why are the closest people in my life sending me these mixed signals: when we're in the same room it's like fireworks are going off, but when we're a part everything seems cold and dead.
Is it me? Is it her? Is it both? Maybe my subconsciousness is showing me that I'm commitment phobic myself and that's why I choose people with whom I can never connect entirely, as there always seems to be missing something.
Does someone have something similar? I feel so strange and weird, unable to connect with people. All my attempts seem awkward, like I dont even know what normal contact between people is. I also have this paranoia-like thinking that people see how awkward I am. I feel a bit like someone who grew up in a forrest and now came out to socialise.
P.S. I'm female and my friend is also female.
(creepy clown)Short story: I was brought up by my parents, who provided food, shelter, money, education. I didn't really receive real love, attention, affection from my emotionally ascetic parents. The tendency was to belittle me and my sister for wanting attention. So I grew up pretty much thirsty for attention, love, acceptance due to the neglectful and also authoritarian parenting style.
Im 25 and I found out only one year ago that my childhood wasnt as awesome as my parents were trying to convince me. I believed it was an okay childhood. I never really analysed it. It was forbidden to even doubt my parent's decisions, behaviour.
One of those things that I seem unable to fully understand is this: why are most of the people who come into my life untrustworthy? I've let go of some people whom I realised are not good for me. Still, some of the closest ones I have at the moment seem to have a phobia of commitment, they come and they go as they please, seemingly not understanding what their behaviour does to others.
I'll give you one example. I have this friend A. She has a similar past of abuse in her family, only in her case it was physical abuse: hitting, kicking, bruising, etc. When I manage to get hold of her, it's like two soul mates have met. We have so much in common and we understand one another so well, it's just amazing! We dont get tired of talking and sharing. BUT, when this face to face interaction ends, it's pretty much it. After the face to face contact it's very hard to get a hold of her. She becomes distant, doesnt try to find ways of meeting me, even though I've offered numerous times to do this or that. She declines 95% of time. I remember that after yet another time of her declining, I had this suspicious idea come into my head: maybe she's lying. I am naturally suspicious, yes, but this normally is with men, not women and especially people whom I consider soul mates. Me thinking that she's lying made me feel guilty and untrustworthy of myself: how can I even think she's lying? We have such a great face to face contact after all! Plus, when I tried telling her that it feels like she's avoiding me, she told me that my expectations for her are too high and that I'm expecting too much of her.
Why are the closest people in my life sending me these mixed signals: when we're in the same room it's like fireworks are going off, but when we're a part everything seems cold and dead.
Is it me? Is it her? Is it both? Maybe my subconsciousness is showing me that I'm commitment phobic myself and that's why I choose people with whom I can never connect entirely, as there always seems to be missing something.
Does someone have something similar? I feel so strange and weird, unable to connect with people. All my attempts seem awkward, like I dont even know what normal contact between people is. I also have this paranoia-like thinking that people see how awkward I am. I feel a bit like someone who grew up in a forrest and now came out to socialise.
P.S. I'm female and my friend is also female.
