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I just need to share how I feel because I need to get rid of it and since there's a good chance I'm being stalked after going no contact this is an anonymous safe place I think.
It's called narcissistic abuse and it can happen to anyone. If a narcissist chooses you and you get entangled you are living in hell and prison at once and it's very hard to get out. It is so hard to get out because it's hidden. Nobody will sense the cruelty of what's done to you. Not even yourself. The narcissist is a master manipulator who attacks viciously many times in even one sentence. Firstly they will attack you for whatever you do or are that they don't think you have a right to do or be. Secondly they will make you guilty for whatever you do or are because it "hurts" them. Thirdly they will make you feel guilty for whatever you do or are because they are right and you are wrong. Fourthly they will make everyone else believe you're bad for whatever you do or are. Then they will isolate you so there's no chance to get close enough to anyone to trust to tell about your abuse. Then they will justify their attack, pull away the floor under your feet, cut you down and dance on your open and aching heart. That's where they get their energy from. Then they will hold whatever you do or are forever against you. There's no winning when you deal with a narcissist. You'd think you'd see it, believe me you don't. The attack is hidden, so hidden that not even the victim sees it for many years. Not speaking of others.
There are two ways- either you comply then they let you emotionally live for as long as they like (usually until they get moody 5 minutes later). Or to ask for the right to be yourself, then they will destroy you, because you are their property and a request to be yourself and not what they want you to be results in your emotional destruction. They live off your pain. They are not interested in your feelings, the only feelings that are valid are theirs. They don't have boundaries, your letters, diary, emails, keys, phone, profiles, personal space, space for your own needs, how can you think you have right to private space. They'll make you dependent in any way they can find, through your guilt, your fear, your finances, people you love, anything will do to block your escape. Then they tell you how good they are to you and how much you owe them. They studied you and know your weaknesses. With you as their victim they don't have conversations as other people, they interrogate to find your soft spots and they will attack right there. You having feelings, that insults them, you don't have right for feelings. You being happy, how dare you as its your fault they are miserable. There's one right way and that's the narcissists way. You are here to be used. Your role is to be a slave, their property. If you don't agree to being used you'll be destroyed. Not once, or twice, no, over and over and over.
They know how to play it and they play it well. You don't stand a chance. There's no winner in dealing with a narcissist apart from themselves. Just quietly leave and never look back. They'll destroy whatever is left of you, reputation, money, friends, family, relationships, jobs. Let it go, it's not worth keeping it. Leave, never look back and never get in touch again. There's no "half" contact. They'll stalk you, find any gap through which they can come back and play the same game with even more pain, multiplied because everyone who they manipulated against you meanwhile will play it with them. Yes, even the ones you love.
It leads to you being messed up in a thousand, hundred thousand ways. You're not loved for who you are. You'll question your mental sanity because you're told you're insane, too sensitive, paranoid and things never happened this way anyway. You're very basic right to simple existence as who you are is denied. If you're not who the narcissist wants you to be, you must die. They tell you they love you, they tell you how much they care. You lose any sense of what love is. You believe in your own badness and heartlessness. You lose sense of self because you're not allowed to exist separately from them. You'll be afraid to express your feelings. You'll be incapable of demanding respect. You'll develop anxiety, panic, intense fear. You'll be depressive because you are not allowed to BE and also they take away anything that you find happiness in. You're hopeless. You're constantly low on energy because they suck out any single drop of energy they can get. They take away anything that helps you, all healing, friends or allies will ruthlessly be destroyed until you believe that it's no good for you.
I played the game for 40 years. I just woke up last week. I always thought we have a difficult relationship and they don't understand me. I've never seen the absolute severity of how much was taken from me.
Children (or partners) of narcissists will have some things in common. They are overly friendly and helpful, they have to, any single wrong word or action can induce that hell breaks loose at any time. They are empathetic, they have to anticipate what their abuser wants and how they feel, if they don't they are attacked. They are admiring and give their energy freely, because they learned that there is only one important person, and it is not them. They are positive, they have to otherwise they'd have killed themselves. They are vibrant, sometimes beautiful, they have to because they need the confirmation that they exist and are seen at least from others. Some receive love through affection as the only means to feel love, often it's their only way to compensate that knowledge that they are not loved. They know how to make people happy, they believe it's their job. They are easy and don't ask for much, being invisible demand-wise has always been the safer choice. They are lonely, they have been isolated and never learned how to connect. They are careful because they learned that people are cruel and the world is a cruel place. They are perfectionists, the chance to be accepted is higher if you do great work. They are easily exhausted because that invisible energy-vampirism makes them tired and they don't know why. They are hopeless because it never ends, even if one relationship has been escaped the next narcissist predator is already waiting because they are the perfect targets, they know how to satisfy a narcissist, they are trained already. They often have only short relationships and switch places, friends and jobs often, because they fear to be trapped and abused again.
Today there's only one thing for me to do. To heal. To be allowed to be. After finally escaping (God help me).
In the past there had been one goal- to be loved, to have a boyfriend who loves me so I finally would be loved and know I am loved.
Today the goal is to heal. I walked home from shopping today and there was nothing to do but heal and spoil myself a little. When in the past I would have not given myself a break today I did.
Truth heals. It is so important to see what's going on. I couldn't heal because I couldn't see. Now I know what happened and why my life had been so messed up. Now I can go about my healing.
I'm posting this because 1% of the population has narcissist personality disorder. 1 narcissist destroys the life of about 5-10 people who they are in contact with long term (family or partners). I realised that some I have known would have been abused just as I have been abused. Once you see, you see.
I just feel I need to share the knowledge. If you come across a friendly, positive, serving but somehow messed up soul, don't stab into their wounds. All they need is to be loved and to be in peace. They've been through more hell than anyone can imagine. Or if you have a kid or teenager somewhere in your family who always is the scapegoat (narcissistic parents do that, one is the scapegoat to project guilt onto and one is the golden child to take care of them), don't believe what its parents or siblings say. He's/she's not the bad guy, the evidence is invalid. Hug them and become their friend. Give them space to talk. It might save their lives.
It's called narcissistic abuse and it can happen to anyone. If a narcissist chooses you and you get entangled you are living in hell and prison at once and it's very hard to get out. It is so hard to get out because it's hidden. Nobody will sense the cruelty of what's done to you. Not even yourself. The narcissist is a master manipulator who attacks viciously many times in even one sentence. Firstly they will attack you for whatever you do or are that they don't think you have a right to do or be. Secondly they will make you guilty for whatever you do or are because it "hurts" them. Thirdly they will make you feel guilty for whatever you do or are because they are right and you are wrong. Fourthly they will make everyone else believe you're bad for whatever you do or are. Then they will isolate you so there's no chance to get close enough to anyone to trust to tell about your abuse. Then they will justify their attack, pull away the floor under your feet, cut you down and dance on your open and aching heart. That's where they get their energy from. Then they will hold whatever you do or are forever against you. There's no winning when you deal with a narcissist. You'd think you'd see it, believe me you don't. The attack is hidden, so hidden that not even the victim sees it for many years. Not speaking of others.
There are two ways- either you comply then they let you emotionally live for as long as they like (usually until they get moody 5 minutes later). Or to ask for the right to be yourself, then they will destroy you, because you are their property and a request to be yourself and not what they want you to be results in your emotional destruction. They live off your pain. They are not interested in your feelings, the only feelings that are valid are theirs. They don't have boundaries, your letters, diary, emails, keys, phone, profiles, personal space, space for your own needs, how can you think you have right to private space. They'll make you dependent in any way they can find, through your guilt, your fear, your finances, people you love, anything will do to block your escape. Then they tell you how good they are to you and how much you owe them. They studied you and know your weaknesses. With you as their victim they don't have conversations as other people, they interrogate to find your soft spots and they will attack right there. You having feelings, that insults them, you don't have right for feelings. You being happy, how dare you as its your fault they are miserable. There's one right way and that's the narcissists way. You are here to be used. Your role is to be a slave, their property. If you don't agree to being used you'll be destroyed. Not once, or twice, no, over and over and over.
They know how to play it and they play it well. You don't stand a chance. There's no winner in dealing with a narcissist apart from themselves. Just quietly leave and never look back. They'll destroy whatever is left of you, reputation, money, friends, family, relationships, jobs. Let it go, it's not worth keeping it. Leave, never look back and never get in touch again. There's no "half" contact. They'll stalk you, find any gap through which they can come back and play the same game with even more pain, multiplied because everyone who they manipulated against you meanwhile will play it with them. Yes, even the ones you love.
It leads to you being messed up in a thousand, hundred thousand ways. You're not loved for who you are. You'll question your mental sanity because you're told you're insane, too sensitive, paranoid and things never happened this way anyway. You're very basic right to simple existence as who you are is denied. If you're not who the narcissist wants you to be, you must die. They tell you they love you, they tell you how much they care. You lose any sense of what love is. You believe in your own badness and heartlessness. You lose sense of self because you're not allowed to exist separately from them. You'll be afraid to express your feelings. You'll be incapable of demanding respect. You'll develop anxiety, panic, intense fear. You'll be depressive because you are not allowed to BE and also they take away anything that you find happiness in. You're hopeless. You're constantly low on energy because they suck out any single drop of energy they can get. They take away anything that helps you, all healing, friends or allies will ruthlessly be destroyed until you believe that it's no good for you.
I played the game for 40 years. I just woke up last week. I always thought we have a difficult relationship and they don't understand me. I've never seen the absolute severity of how much was taken from me.
Children (or partners) of narcissists will have some things in common. They are overly friendly and helpful, they have to, any single wrong word or action can induce that hell breaks loose at any time. They are empathetic, they have to anticipate what their abuser wants and how they feel, if they don't they are attacked. They are admiring and give their energy freely, because they learned that there is only one important person, and it is not them. They are positive, they have to otherwise they'd have killed themselves. They are vibrant, sometimes beautiful, they have to because they need the confirmation that they exist and are seen at least from others. Some receive love through affection as the only means to feel love, often it's their only way to compensate that knowledge that they are not loved. They know how to make people happy, they believe it's their job. They are easy and don't ask for much, being invisible demand-wise has always been the safer choice. They are lonely, they have been isolated and never learned how to connect. They are careful because they learned that people are cruel and the world is a cruel place. They are perfectionists, the chance to be accepted is higher if you do great work. They are easily exhausted because that invisible energy-vampirism makes them tired and they don't know why. They are hopeless because it never ends, even if one relationship has been escaped the next narcissist predator is already waiting because they are the perfect targets, they know how to satisfy a narcissist, they are trained already. They often have only short relationships and switch places, friends and jobs often, because they fear to be trapped and abused again.
Today there's only one thing for me to do. To heal. To be allowed to be. After finally escaping (God help me).
In the past there had been one goal- to be loved, to have a boyfriend who loves me so I finally would be loved and know I am loved.
Today the goal is to heal. I walked home from shopping today and there was nothing to do but heal and spoil myself a little. When in the past I would have not given myself a break today I did.
Truth heals. It is so important to see what's going on. I couldn't heal because I couldn't see. Now I know what happened and why my life had been so messed up. Now I can go about my healing.
I'm posting this because 1% of the population has narcissist personality disorder. 1 narcissist destroys the life of about 5-10 people who they are in contact with long term (family or partners). I realised that some I have known would have been abused just as I have been abused. Once you see, you see.
I just feel I need to share the knowledge. If you come across a friendly, positive, serving but somehow messed up soul, don't stab into their wounds. All they need is to be loved and to be in peace. They've been through more hell than anyone can imagine. Or if you have a kid or teenager somewhere in your family who always is the scapegoat (narcissistic parents do that, one is the scapegoat to project guilt onto and one is the golden child to take care of them), don't believe what its parents or siblings say. He's/she's not the bad guy, the evidence is invalid. Hug them and become their friend. Give them space to talk. It might save their lives.
