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I am currently struggling with understanding what my terrain actually is as I have just come to recognize that my map is certainly not drawn to scale and may be of a different continent all together. I have been with a man for six years that I have loved pathologically, in the face of emotional, psychological and physical abuse. I played the role of the codependent people pleaser, always justifying the abuse with compassion/empathy for whatever trauma/wounds may have led him to act out. I stumbled across the video on using critical thinking to cut through the BS and was rudely awakened at the right time (immediately following a particularly harsh round of unsolicited verbal/emotional abuse) to the concept of narcissistic abuse. This cascaded into a frenzy of research on the topic, learning all about the codependent/narcissist tango. Finally, I had a frame of reference, and surely this could help us address the dysfunction in our relationship and grow! Not so. He was more than happy to accept that I named my pathology, but saw no correlation between his behaviors and narcissism. In fact, so I was told, the descriptions he read of narcissism sounded much more like me!
After some time and many long and late conversations, and my bout with abstinence from alcohol, I became convinced again that he did not quite fit the narcissist role. He expressed empathy for others, loves animals, expresses a capacity for depth of emotion, concedes to various weaknesses and flaws. He was abandoned emotionally by his narcissist father on multiple occasions, so perhaps he is also just dealing with CPTSD. In any case, when I had one and a half feet out the door and became adamant about setting certain boundaries, I was drawn back into taking this new found self awareness and seeing if our relationship would play out differently as a result of working on my personal growth and developing a better sense of self. A month later as my walls and defenses started to come down there came withdrawal of communication by him followed by a conversation in which I expressed that I was triggered by the withdrawal and requested some support/reassurance. The response was that he took some time to understand again that we are not healthy for each other and he wasn't going to wait any longer for me to develop. Conveniently, my recognizing that my childhood may have caused some dysfunction became an easy scapegoat for all our current dischord.
So I accept the loss, this relationship was wrong and hurtful for at least 5 of the 6 years, so time to stop trying to rescue it. I am now extremely anxious because in our third year I adopted two kittens. At the time he was living with me and spent a lot of time with them. Two years ago he moved home to care for his sick mother and I began bringing the cats to his house so he had some company and comfort while coping with his mothers illness and eventual death. Since then they have spent a lot of time in his home where there is a nice yard for them to roam. As we are going through our parting of ways he insists now that they are as much his as mine and that we should have joint custody. This commandeering of my cats is extremely upsetting, and after days of arguing my perspective on the matter I am left with the options of having to concede to his right to share custody or lose them entirely. It has left me heartbroken, anxious and physically nauseous. I would appreciate any input on this matter. I don't know if it is a legitimate request on his part or a manipulation tactic. I want to be able to salvage some form of friendship from the wreckage but don't know if he is really not to be trusted or is just recovering from being damaged, as I am. Which way is north?
After some time and many long and late conversations, and my bout with abstinence from alcohol, I became convinced again that he did not quite fit the narcissist role. He expressed empathy for others, loves animals, expresses a capacity for depth of emotion, concedes to various weaknesses and flaws. He was abandoned emotionally by his narcissist father on multiple occasions, so perhaps he is also just dealing with CPTSD. In any case, when I had one and a half feet out the door and became adamant about setting certain boundaries, I was drawn back into taking this new found self awareness and seeing if our relationship would play out differently as a result of working on my personal growth and developing a better sense of self. A month later as my walls and defenses started to come down there came withdrawal of communication by him followed by a conversation in which I expressed that I was triggered by the withdrawal and requested some support/reassurance. The response was that he took some time to understand again that we are not healthy for each other and he wasn't going to wait any longer for me to develop. Conveniently, my recognizing that my childhood may have caused some dysfunction became an easy scapegoat for all our current dischord.
So I accept the loss, this relationship was wrong and hurtful for at least 5 of the 6 years, so time to stop trying to rescue it. I am now extremely anxious because in our third year I adopted two kittens. At the time he was living with me and spent a lot of time with them. Two years ago he moved home to care for his sick mother and I began bringing the cats to his house so he had some company and comfort while coping with his mothers illness and eventual death. Since then they have spent a lot of time in his home where there is a nice yard for them to roam. As we are going through our parting of ways he insists now that they are as much his as mine and that we should have joint custody. This commandeering of my cats is extremely upsetting, and after days of arguing my perspective on the matter I am left with the options of having to concede to his right to share custody or lose them entirely. It has left me heartbroken, anxious and physically nauseous. I would appreciate any input on this matter. I don't know if it is a legitimate request on his part or a manipulation tactic. I want to be able to salvage some form of friendship from the wreckage but don't know if he is really not to be trusted or is just recovering from being damaged, as I am. Which way is north?
