Just Is - A Poem

I wrote this the last night I stayed in the relationship.

Writing this and re-reading it, made the difference of me continuing in the toxic relationship and having the focus and strength to leave.

I just wanted to share my words and thoughts.

Thank you Richard for you videos and sharing your knowledge, it's made a world of difference to the situation.



Just Is


I want to know I'm believed,

Which means that today I do not.


I want to be part of a solid team,

Not flying solo against a gale.


I want my decisions backed up by the person in my life,

But instead I face constant questioning, demands for explanation and told the path I have chosen, choose today or for tomorrow is wrong.


I want the people who engage within my life to be respectful,

Instead people do whatever they like, without care and face no question.


If asked how safe do I feel?

I don't want to hesitate and evaluate...and think 'sort of, some of the time'.


I want to express my feelings and senses and have them heard,

Not dissected, picked over, dismissed.


I want to express my ideas, my excitement,

Without self censorship for fear of the amount of energy required to defend them.


I want to be me and enhance by an us,

But instead I battle to be whole and the bombardment comes from the person who shares my life.


Instead of being supported and encourage,

I am forever doubted, scoffed at and told my actions and plans are ridiculous and not achievable.

The 'knocker' is within my own home, daily in my life, never far away.


When I express my hurt at emotional and physical intimidation and harm,

It is responded to with a 'sorry' but you did...


Than a sorry and I need to think more about what I do, what I say, but when you do...


Than a sorry, I do love u, and I need help, I realise I need to change and work on myself,


Than a 'been too busy to get help this week, I will soon. I work long hours you know.


Than a 'you on about that again' everything's fine, I'm fine, counselling doesn't help. Your just over sensitive and see problems where there are none.


I only punched the roof of the car because you said...


I only yelled, ranted and was frustrated because you put that there..


I wouldn't have reacted like that if you didn't bring that home.


I only charged roaring at you because you are difficult and wouldn't agree about...


I only got angry because you...


And so it goes on.


The justifications, the excuses, blaming me for your reaction, not taking responsibility for one self.

If not daily, weekly.


Every day I hope and pray for a more settled safe home,

I wait for the 'holidays' because I want to believe the excuses that 'it's only the shift work'


I stop sharing my dreams, my hopes and ideas in an attempt to not trigger the frustration,

I sometimes forget myself and say something out loud only to be quickly reminded how you hear it and react.


I lay in bed alone but next to you, my sleep disrupted by your constant turning and my efforts to not have you react by feeling my presence.

I have been conditioned with hostility from you to not reach out, not to touch or instigate affection ...

Instead I must be passive, until you decide I’m required to meet your needs.



But you say 'I really do love you no matter what'.

What is wrapped up in your form of love is impatience, frustration, intolerance, menacing, judgement, aggression, roaring, belittling, humiliation.

When you are loving, you are amazing to be with, so gentle, kind, open.


But then comes the other way of being,


Sometimes out of the blue, no warning given.


Other times I realise it's coming and attempt to disperse it or avoid...sometime this works, other times not, either way it's exhausting.


And yet sometimes I know,
hours before, that you will react and I feel apprehension at what is coming.


I have to just face the truth that this is you.


I wish and try to delude myself into thinking it could be OK, if only,

But each time the pattern repeats, I get reminded of how it is.

And each time I realise that I am trying to do something different to avoid your anger, I know it's gone too far.


Every time you have said sorry, with such conviction and the promise you will seek help and work on your issues ... And then chosen not to, I know deep down there is no desire for change, no commitment.


The pain of being on edge within my own home I can feel right though my
Soul.


You telling me it's my fault, my behaviour, my ideas, my touch, my past, my beliefs, which creates these revolting reaction from you,

Leaves me in despair.


So I'm left in a void ...one moment knowing my way forward, next minute just uncertainty about the path ahead.

I know I need to step forward, step up, step away

I'm so tired from the battle but somewhere inside, I know I have strength, I just have to focus and believe.


I just want a calm, peaceful home, I know it can be achieved.

Wintertime 2016

Looks like you wrote my story...