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Hi everybody!
I've been through a horrible time. What exactly went down, I may share in a future post. For now this should be enough: I'm a strong empath, a recovering co-dependent and people-pleaser, I used to have some slight BPD/(CTPSD?) traits in my early 20s but I think was lucky with my coping and working on myself, turning me into a quite normal human being, not getting into any trouble or chaotic relationshits anymore. I'm 36 now, had long-term relationships and friendships, building better boundaries all the time, learning to say "no" (and "yes")
I had a relationshit (and a full-fledged war afterwards) with a girl much younger (12 years younger) than me. In a time of trust she admitted to lying constantly, being manipulative, saying very mean things she doesn't want to say, being aware of having "some borderline traits". Well, what went down showed me that she really has severe issues. I'm sure there's lots of NPD and HPD in the mix. Let me just tell you that it was hell, I wouldn't wish those experiences on my worst enemy. Basically everything from the list of narcissistic and emotional abuse was fulfilled and it destroyed me.
Anyways, I think Richard saved my life several times, by putting things into a perspective I can work with.
During my time of recovery though, I always had moments where I fell into thinking like this: "What if I'm the worse case? What if my old traits had resurfaced and I hurt her so badly that she went into all those hurtful tactics and mechanisms on me?" I was guilt-tripping. I tried to remind myself of the facts, that 99.9% of the time i was tolerating and enabling her daily dozens of insults, demeaning remarks, tests, crazymaking lies and remarks, push/pull dynamics... etc. and that although she tried to push all my buttons, dozens of times thoughout a day, i only lashed out back one single time, after weeks of abuse... But still I was worried about my own guilt involved in the horrible situations that resulted. Makes you doubt your sanity and development.
What I wanted to share was this: I had been very hesitant to find a councellor or therapist because of the delicate issue of emotional abuse, PDs, CTPSD etc. I keept looking up therapists, talking to some, but it never clicked. Until one day I was googling explicitly for "trauma-therapist" and found one. I met her and it clicked instantly. Even though I had great support from loving friends and family in the last months, the therapists reaction to just me telling my story (carefully, not blaming everything on her, aware of my own shortcomings) made me almost cry: she reacted with such shock and compassion, my horrible experiences were fully validated for the first time, it was such a relief. It gave me so much energy, improved my healing process. It took away so many doubts and gave me back a huge deal of self-worth. Confirmed my script that I was really trying hard to do everything that was possible. (Apart from enabling too much abuse) She also took away my doubts that I had any significant guilt in what unfolded in the relationshit and afterwards. The girl constantly tried to push all my buttons, to somehow bring out my darker sides in me, and she tried so hard that she eventually succeeded in one or two instances, before I realised that i can't take any of it any longer and told her "no". As you can imagine, after the "no", things got really bad.
Since the encounter with the therapist, everything is constantly improving, my interactions, my work, my quality of life. It took a professional's personal, direct empathy to take away some of the creeping and crippling doubts about my story. Life is beautiful.
I know because of my enabling, trying to fix, hanging on to the toxic constellation, I prolonged the horrible stuff. She wanted to be saved, fixed. I honoured that, up to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I hope I didn't do too much wrong.
I don't know what you can take with you from this snippet of my story, I hope it's hope.
Thanks for listening!
Non Serviam,
J.
I've been through a horrible time. What exactly went down, I may share in a future post. For now this should be enough: I'm a strong empath, a recovering co-dependent and people-pleaser, I used to have some slight BPD/(CTPSD?) traits in my early 20s but I think was lucky with my coping and working on myself, turning me into a quite normal human being, not getting into any trouble or chaotic relationshits anymore. I'm 36 now, had long-term relationships and friendships, building better boundaries all the time, learning to say "no" (and "yes")
I had a relationshit (and a full-fledged war afterwards) with a girl much younger (12 years younger) than me. In a time of trust she admitted to lying constantly, being manipulative, saying very mean things she doesn't want to say, being aware of having "some borderline traits". Well, what went down showed me that she really has severe issues. I'm sure there's lots of NPD and HPD in the mix. Let me just tell you that it was hell, I wouldn't wish those experiences on my worst enemy. Basically everything from the list of narcissistic and emotional abuse was fulfilled and it destroyed me.
Anyways, I think Richard saved my life several times, by putting things into a perspective I can work with.
During my time of recovery though, I always had moments where I fell into thinking like this: "What if I'm the worse case? What if my old traits had resurfaced and I hurt her so badly that she went into all those hurtful tactics and mechanisms on me?" I was guilt-tripping. I tried to remind myself of the facts, that 99.9% of the time i was tolerating and enabling her daily dozens of insults, demeaning remarks, tests, crazymaking lies and remarks, push/pull dynamics... etc. and that although she tried to push all my buttons, dozens of times thoughout a day, i only lashed out back one single time, after weeks of abuse... But still I was worried about my own guilt involved in the horrible situations that resulted. Makes you doubt your sanity and development.
What I wanted to share was this: I had been very hesitant to find a councellor or therapist because of the delicate issue of emotional abuse, PDs, CTPSD etc. I keept looking up therapists, talking to some, but it never clicked. Until one day I was googling explicitly for "trauma-therapist" and found one. I met her and it clicked instantly. Even though I had great support from loving friends and family in the last months, the therapists reaction to just me telling my story (carefully, not blaming everything on her, aware of my own shortcomings) made me almost cry: she reacted with such shock and compassion, my horrible experiences were fully validated for the first time, it was such a relief. It gave me so much energy, improved my healing process. It took away so many doubts and gave me back a huge deal of self-worth. Confirmed my script that I was really trying hard to do everything that was possible. (Apart from enabling too much abuse) She also took away my doubts that I had any significant guilt in what unfolded in the relationshit and afterwards. The girl constantly tried to push all my buttons, to somehow bring out my darker sides in me, and she tried so hard that she eventually succeeded in one or two instances, before I realised that i can't take any of it any longer and told her "no". As you can imagine, after the "no", things got really bad.
Since the encounter with the therapist, everything is constantly improving, my interactions, my work, my quality of life. It took a professional's personal, direct empathy to take away some of the creeping and crippling doubts about my story. Life is beautiful.
I know because of my enabling, trying to fix, hanging on to the toxic constellation, I prolonged the horrible stuff. She wanted to be saved, fixed. I honoured that, up to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I hope I didn't do too much wrong.
I don't know what you can take with you from this snippet of my story, I hope it's hope.
Thanks for listening!
Non Serviam,
J.
