No idea what to do next

When I was little - before I learned the word no, before I had preferences and ideas of my own - my mother has made me the target of her rage. Yes, she argues with family, friends and neighbors, but she harbors a special hatred for me and me alone. Her parents (my grandparents) lived with us growing up but I think their guilt as to their roles in her development (he was an alcoholic, she was a doormat), my father felt the best solution was for me to "get out of her way" when she was "in a mood" but he never stood his ground with her.

My father had a stroke when I was about 21 which took things from bad to worse - he no longer had any voice in matters. When I was about 30, my counselor told me my low self esteem was a direct outgrowth of her abuse and that I had to treat her like cancer and go no contact. Nothing seemed like it could be harder mostly because there was no work around for me to still maintain a relationship with my father, she would hide the phone when she went out and made it clear that if I wasnt willing to speak with her, i would not be permitted to speak with him. I maintained that silence for 7 years until my severe fibromyalgia forced me home - no income, no way to put a roof over my head. The last ten years have been quite honestly hell. The verbal abuse often leaves me wishing for death - even more so than the chronic and dibilitating pain. Only my religious belief and my friends keep me on this planet.

Finally I could take no more and left again - the living conditions in my part of the house were terrible (no kitchen, mold, no carpets, no lock on the exterior door etc) and she kept promising she would make repairs only to then say "I didnt deserve it." at the time it felt brave but honestly the longer Im away the more anxiety I have. My mother is worth millions - she used her control over my grandmother and my father to manipulate all the money in to her control - and Im not sure how long I can actually afford to live on my own. My friend is to a certain extent subsidizing me, but that is not a long term solution and disability income is practically nil. I know if I even try to go back home, it will be even worse than before because she will see how fully she has me under her thumb. I feel like I will have no life until she dies and were it up to her, even though she is 87 years of age, she is determined to last one breath longer than I. I feel trapped by my situation and am looking for advice short of taking her to court - which is an option but one that will be brutal since I am pretty sure she would rather burn every last dollar than see me content.

Im looking for advice from fellow survivors. What do I do at this point.

Hi Phoenix, sorry to hear that you have fibromyalgia. You have done very well to take control of the situation so far.  It must help you incredibly to know the nature of the beast that you are dealing with in your NarcMother.  

I don't quite understand the grounds on how you could take her to court.  You are an adult, and she is not legally obliged to help you out (at least, that is the way in the UK).

From my own experience I would say that a narc can use court very very effectively to get what they want and it is a great form of narcissistic supply.  They play the victim/martyr, whilst knowing every possible angle that they can attack from, and working to put you into the worse possible light.  The legal system is like a game of chess to my NarcMother. She thrives on it. I'd say be very wary of this situation developing unless you have a clear cut case.

If you find that you do have to go back home, I have recently watched a video which describes the "observe don't absorb" technique. I used it myself when I had to see the narc, and it really does work.  The idea is that when we are in the mental state of observing they cannot hurt us.   Eg, If you hold a bottle of poison and look at it, it cannot cause you harm - it has to get inside the body to cause the poisoning.  In the same way the narc toxicity cannot get under our skin to poison us whilst we are observing - It is kept at arms length.  In my mind I felt like I was observing a new creature that I'd recently discovered.  Fascinating!  It really did detach me from her emotionally, and I was shocked and amused by her ridiculous behaviour! I know that doesn't really help your poor living conditions if you do have to live with her.

Could you not get her pride to kick in somehow - could you not put her in a position where she has to show to somebody what a "great mum" she is for looking after you with your condition?  I dunno, say the doctor has to visit you for a reason?  She'd never let the doctor see your living space in such a way, surely? Narcs usually want other people to think they are a great mum.

Hope some of this is useful. Good luck!

I actually do have a decent case = she manipulated my father before his death, and if she claims im a residence the conditions would be illegal and if she claims im not, I have a case for slip and fall.

That said, its not my goal. I simply need to figure out how to get my narc mother to want me to return on my terms. But I have no idea how to manipulate they way she does

Dear Phoenixfromtheashes,

I stood back reading and rereading your post, and felt very much a symptom of paralysis that has caught me up in a situation where I would deny to my inner core that even if people are "bad" and do bad things towards me, assuming just because they are my mother, sort of made them "immune" to my anger. Just recently I take note that my past had been similar to yours although without the massive amount of long term injury. The injury instead was point blank to my self respect.

I think one thing for me is I used to think my mother was a "good person" and a victim of narcissistic abuse, however her narc hijacked the ideas of right and wrong, and although the narc is dead, no one ever speaks ill of said person, even though I know, my mother knows and my brother knows, that my grandmother was not only a person who was devoid of empathy, but would even be so wrong, people had to tell her how far off she was..

If I could, and if I were in your shoes, do not let the narc abuse you in any way one more time, but rather public humiliation by their own behaviour by their own hand, by their own words, and sue as soon as possible, to not live life one more moment in the shadow of abuse otherwise they will string you along, with promises, with "help" (which never arrives) and with eventually, considering that you have empathy, emotional abuse of making you the container for guilt that they themselves should feel.

I have had an experience last week that I am still overwhelmed by, but in that light, I bring to you my perspective.. stay away from the narc as best as you can, especially after their death.. via other people who will proclaim that individual a saint. Just sue. Live well and stay strong.

Be well. *hugs*