Ask Questions Here Please

Hi Richard,
Can I first just say thank you in general for all the work you're doing for the CPTSD community but specifically this morning I was having a massive emotional flashback and watching your videos, with your humour and insight (and also, partly, I have to say, your awesome farting dog) really brought me back into myself and I feel much better. So thank you very much!

I wanted to ask you about tackling coping mechanisms such as overeating and drinking (also drug use etc - food and alcohol are my go-to comfort habits though) during recovery from CPTSD. I have in the past (before realising about my childhood abuse, NPD mother, and my CPTSD) managed to be quite disciplined in my eating and drinking, but it never felt very comfortable (Pete Walker's description of "white knuckle sobriety" where you do it by sheer willpower is spot on) and I always reverted to old habits. Since starting recovery I've not tried to be disciplined as regards eating and drinking, as I wanted to see if it got any easier not to overeat. Although I feel a bit happier these days and can manage the emotional flashbacks and all that, I still want to eat and drink too much. Do you think I should just crack on and stop drinking/eating badly, or should I be waiting for something to feel different? Two other things complicate this. Control around eating and body shaming was an aspect of my mother's abuse - I went on my first diet aged 7 - and denying myself food makes me feel angry and humiliated (emotional flashback, I strongly suspect). The other thing is that it doesn't feel like classic emotional eating - it feels like it's driven more by boredom and general low mood, rather than anxiety, so I wonder whether the recovery from CPTSD is even going to make much difference. I'll experience less fear maybe, but I don't feel like it's fear that's making me eat.
Any ideas? Thank you!

Hi Richard, I have a question regarding Aspergers and NPD. I was brought up by my grandparents and had intermittent contact with my mother while growing up, I suspect she may have Aspergers. In her mind abandoning me was totally for the best (the best for her?) In a situation like this would the affect on the child be the same as having a parent with NPD. I am suspecting a massive 'yes' I am co-dependant and have been in more than my fair share of cluster b relationships. Any insight on this would be much appreciated.

Hi Richard,
I have two questions on major subjects (background info: I was raised by narcissistic parents and went through most of your courses):

1. How can I deal with Trauma that is caused intentionally by institutions, people in power?
2. Can irrational fear be an indication for unprocessed emotions?

EXAMPLE for Question 1:
A couple of years ago, when I was in a high peak of CPTSD and not aware of it (and didnt know about narcissism etc.), the security in the Israeli airport was putting me through a very humiliating and traumatizing process (because I had an Arab-Israeli boyfriend). It was a 3 hour procedure including making me undress to my underwear, walking in the airport hall in my Pyjama, keeping me from drinking, eating, toilet and taking all my belongings, passport and shoes, leaving me for long time alone in a tiny empty room with a camera pointing at me. At times up to 4 security guards worked on me at the same time, repeating the same physical checks over and over again (in the tiny room) and asking many questions . I tried my best to not get affected, tell myself that they just play a game with me, when I was alone meditated with closed eyes in order to calm down and to make them bored. I also asked the youngest interrogator if she enjoys treating innocent people like that. But even though I tried to emotionally detach, the effect was so strong that whenever I see an Israeli flag or uniformed person of that nation in front of me my hands shake, blood pressure rises etc. (and I get very very angry) I still I can feel the symptoms rising up while writing this text.
When I was in the airplane I started crying and my seat neighbor (a veteran) listened to my story but told me that it could have been worse. When I arrived Germany I went to the border police and a former martial arts friend was working there (which was an amazing coincidence). He was very empathic, but told me there is nothing I can do. Same with the embassy. The worst thing was to know that there are people that can do with me whatever they want and there is no police, no country, no lawyer or human rights orga that would successfully step in to help or defend justice. I do all in my power to avoid situations like that, but what if I cannot always do that? How can a person minimize the traumatic effect when facing such a situation where setting boundaries is limited?

EXAMPLE for question2:
Recently I had a weird dream of a zombie ghost in my sleeping room grabbing after me with her cold hands and then a voice told me that she is a starving mother that needs my energy. I woke up from this dream screaming in the middle of the night and was totally in fear. I started to breathe to calm down and suddenly I had that thought that fear of that kind is simply unprocessed emotion and if I process the emotion behind it I would not only loose that fear (is that maybe something I picked up from you?) but also stop dreaming these type of dreams.
The moment I had that thought, I tried to welcome the fear and to fully feel it, to my surprise it vanished like a balloon lost air. It seemed as if this fear was an illusion after all. It was fascinating. I want to understand what happened.
It feels as if fear is a cover for something else ... so I wonder if it is possible to overcome all kinds of fears (fear of performing on stage, fear in dreams, fear in the dark ...) by processing the underlying emotions that are linked with it?

Thank you! Looking forwards to your answer

cc

Course question

**Im sorry if this comes across rude, not trying to be; I'm just freaking out a little. I have been basically living in a hole of pain the last 2 mounts, classes start next week, and I cant avoid my parents forever

no-one has answered any of my emails its been month. I don’t know how to work the program properly. I can’t find leyla’s email or phone number so I don’t know how I am meant to talk about my trauma styles. I asking about doing counseling with you as well. I paid fro the full course but I’m confused on how to use it. Some of the first aid audios are triggering to me, and I did email about that as well. 

I have 2 narcissistic parents that I realized have been gaslighting me my whole life I ended up in a five-year relationship with a cover narcissist that I finally got out of about two years ago, by the end of it I had no personality or will left. Started to get better and in September I was targeted by a psychopathic malignant and horrible narcissist who tried to use the nearest neurolinguistic programming and other methods like hypnosis  to manipulate me all year. I also realized my codependency must be pretty bad because oh my friends but one either is a narcissist or has way too many traits of a narcissist to be healthy to be around. Anyway because of that horrible situation that ended about two months ago now (fyi one of those horrible things was rape me, but fun fact I suppressed it so no kit) I was able to realize what's been going on my whole life. 

anyway I'm still under the support of my family I don't know I know what they are I'm truck I told him I'm hyper empathetic and I need to be alone I have no financial means at the moment because my five-year relationship person basically stripped every penny I had from me, and I'm in school. Middle school right now in the dorms trying to fix myself so this never happens again but I don't understand your course and I want to know my trauma styles are. Anyway I think my best bet is to under that heading bullshit of hyper empathy syndrome is the finish school by using their helps with keeping my distance and making sure that I'm strong enough to handle that if I have to see them but try to keep them as far away from me as possible. Specially since I'm 26 and my parents made me change schools and majors and I'm half way again I have two years left. 

Anyway my point is not all the shit that's just me saying like yeah man I I need to figure this out I can you help me so I can do your course properly. And to kind of explain that please answer quickly because I'm kind of in a bind.  

Anna C

Hi Richard, I discovered your videos maybe a couple weeks ago, along with Sam Vaknin and a few others on youtube, but I find your series to be the most accessible and comprehensive. I cut ties with, I suspect, a Nex Gf 8 months ago. I had no concept of narcissism until about 5 months ago. she really drained me, but I also have some pretty bad social anxiety that didn't help things. Still, I bent over backwards for this person, and I just felt like if I faltered in a certain way, it meant I was flawed or didn't care enough. I couldn't be human with this person.

I wanted to ask you about altruistic narcissistic supply. I know in one of your videos you mention Narcissist can be a "pillar of the community," they may volunteer with helping the homeless, or caring a for animals. something to that extent. I wonder if you could elaborate on that more? I know with my Nex, one point of contention was veganism. She became vegan in the last half of our 1.5 year long relationship. Her reasons were compelling: health benefits, animal welfare, environmental degradation, but with that came a lot of moralizing and demands that I respect her beliefs. The issue was that I was already paying for almost all her food, or cooking meals for her, on top of helping with transportation, and my own job while she was also pretty dismissive of my own perspective at time. I bought her vegan food, made her vegan meals, but that was my limit, I didn't feel like I was in a position to practice the lifestyle myself, I didn't have time or the interest to research a plant based diet for myself...I was already vegetarian during this period, but it felt like my Nex looked down on me for not going all the way into veganism with her. There's was a lot of other crap she did to hurt me, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Last I saw her, she was getting into animal rights and environmentalism, especially on social media. It's almost rabid to the point where I'm pretty happy to be separate from her now.

I saw a video by a-bas-le-ciel, (tweeted by sam vaknin) responding to some other series of vids accusing a vegan youtuber of being NPD. The a-bas-le-ciel video was just saying that, uh, the vegan youtuber being attacked might not be NPD, there's no way to know if someone is NPD from youtube, and NPD is bad, but there's still good things NPDs can do in the world, like go vegan. My dumb summary, but the points sound fair, but the last one bothers me. This isn't about veganism per-se, but from my experience, when telling my story with my Nex to others, and I bring up the vegan divide between us, people kind of respond with a passive defensiveness, like, "well that's your ex's choice," "it's not relevant." "that's not a problem with her, you're just not a good match."and my issue is that I feel like, by being vegan, my Nex was able to harness an altruistic narcissistic supply from which should get some leverage on me to avoid addressing her own dysfunctions. She could say, "I don't eat animals, I'm compassionate, I'm working to save the earth." and she doesn't have to address the neglect, emotional black mail, mistrust, and infidelity she subjected me to. Narcissistic abuse manifests itself in interpersonal relationships, the grander do-goodery doesn't address that, it distracts, so I wonder if you could talk about this more Richard? Do you know charitable people that treated their closest pretty bad?

thanks for all you've done. It helps me a lot to listen to your videos.

This is difficult to write out, so bear with me, please.
My ex has high traits of NPD. He swings from having grandiose ideas of himself of being an exalted entrepreneur to being the helpless victim, because the world doesn't treat him in the way he feels he's entitled to. Recently, he was coming to pick her up for a visit. Before leaving, she'd told me that, "Dad is in a good mood today, mom, so I get to be myself". I see how she placates him during his bouts of depression and rage by being his emotional cheerleader, caregiver and therapist (just as I did during our marriage). My 15 year old is smart, way beyond her years type smart, but no matter how much I try to explain that she isn't responsible for his emotional well-being, she still coddles him like he's her child, rather than her dad. How do I explain that this is such wrong behavior on his part and that she needs to protect her boundaries?

Thank you for all you do! You've touched innumerable people's lives with your work.

I'm not a professional, but have had experience with an abusive and possibly NPD ex
Just thinking -
your daughter is likely wanting the love of her father and the only way she can likely get it is through his dysfunctional methods (which you know already) - but can she see this? I know what opened my eyes to it was listening to a description of an NPD's traits i could finally see the person as they truly were, instead of how they had manipulated me into seeing them. Hearing that what had been happening was that they were manipulating me, not loving me, caused me to pull away from them.

Contrasting the difference between healthy behavior for every narcissitic trait he demonstrated gives your daughter a healthy point of reference.

equipping her with the information in a gentle, loving and truthful way will allow her to be able to make up her own mind about how to feel about dad.

sometimes describing her and her father in the context of two other people in a story you create will help her detach enough to absorb the information without personalizing it.

finally, letting her know that try as she may, she will not be able to get real love until he is well - and that is totally not her fault - there are people in the world who are damaged and cannot love as love is truly. Also, cautioning her that if she continues along the lines she is, she is headed for relationships that will be painful for her.

all of these things, done with gentleness and love and persistence can reach your child. I know my parents love for me was a definite lifeline that saved me from an abusive ex.

Thank you, sara44. That you said, her wanting his love, so she uses his dysfunctional methods to receive it, makes sense.

Do you think the narcissist believes that whatever they DO feel for their partner is 'love', or that they're capable of love?
Or are they aware they can't love?

Sent from Topic'it App

Richard,
Finally joined. Funny thing my fiance has been human for a couple of weeks now. I think Sociology dept had a good talk with him. Who knows. I haven't had flashbacks for a while now. I think maybe I have recovered. Just this morning I noticed I haven't had nightmares no flashbacks in a while and my emotions are nearly all regulated. Been doing emotional literacy and I process throw them and accept them. Either let them go or do something. My question. Do miracles still happen? Cuz I'm looking at one.