Ask Questions Here Please

I started to write my story and I got real sad and anxious talking about it. Is there a way we can do a one on one and I can explain my situation? The death of my sister is why I need to talk to you. She died on her birthday in a hospital bed in pure sufferance and inhumanely. Mind you she was deaf and was infantile because of my mother's NPD. And on top of that I'm in a Narcissistic abusive relationship, which my mother supports because I am the evil one who made him this way. My sister list her life because my mother wants the sympathy for losing a child . Please let me know how we do this. Thank you.

Hi Richard

Love your work, very refreshing. Wondering what your views are on the work of HG Tudor? Can the narc be that self aware and understanding of the impact of the behaviour without empathy? Not sure if it's sensationalist or scarily real. Thanks

Hi Richie. Ive been a follower of your channel since 2014 and would like to see you in a seminar. Any plans for an Australian tour or visit?

Minothey wrote:Hey,
could you explain what the difference between Cptsd ans Bpd? I´m diagnosed with Bpd and can relate to the symptoms and the explanations of Kreisman & Straus very much. This makes absolute sense in my live. Now you baffled me by saying a borderline person has no compassion.  

I also have this question.   I was diagnosed with BPD four years ago and nothing has described me more accurately.  I am also confused that a true Borderline lacks empathy and a person who has empathy really just suffers from CPTSD with borderline traits.  Is this a new finding?  I had a few years of dialectical behavioral therapy with an excellent therapist.  But in this time I had never heard that borderlines are incapable of empathy.

Hi Richard!

Thank you for all the wonderful work you are doing. You are helping thousands.

I’m freshly post a very dramatic breakup with a covert psychopath. The net-net is that I’m learning a lot about the subject and able to make good progress, but one thing is really hanging me up. Perhaps it’s something you could address in one of our awesome videos or elsewhere. I would love some light shed on the subject.

One of the ways in which we connected was through our mutual interest in ancient history of the world. He was pretty quick to paint a really dark picture of humanity as a bunch of ignorant sheep following Lucifer-worshipping, baby-eating cabal. He had some proof even with his close relative being a high ranking secret-society member, whom he quickly introduced me to. My ex painted himself as the white knight on the bright side of things, while his relative was on the dark side. I was exposed to some disturbing stuff in the few conversations we've had.

In the four months we were together, he’s filled the airways with an in-depth narrative about how the symbols of evil are all-around us and have been absorbed into the mainstream. He talked a lot about how this dark evil energy has infiltrated and saturated all areas of our civilisation and how we are on the brink of a massive human sacrifice to the evil god, aka WWIII. Needless to say, I am now suffering from CPSD, but my triggers are all the more intense because if I only walk through a city with a church or a lion or winged figures present, all I can think about were the conversations we’ve had and the imminent war that’s coming. Even the news points towards that. It's hard to miss that the world is in dire straits.

I've been existing in a more-less constant fear state that subtly undermines my thinking. It’s very difficult to live this way. The bind that keeps me missing my oppressor is the thought that he would turn out to be right in the end and by leaving him I lost a valuable source of information and protection (which is crazy because he was the one who was oppressing me, gas lighting me, manipulating me, lying to me, active aggressive towards me, etc.) He was also a brilliant scientist and I just cannot reconcile how someone can be so intelligent and sick at the same time.

Please help. I want so much to move on from this dismal fog and get my positive, optimistic self back.

Thank you,
Reagan

I'm here cos it's better than giving in to the latest hoover attempt. I never dreamed i would be dealing with re idealisation. Last attempt was 6 months ago. It started again today. I'm watching every piece of information you have out there Richie. But it's the hardest thing to stay focused. And remember everything in the instant I need to. If there was one really kick ass thing I could cling onto right now what would that be? In 18 months iv crawled on my belly to survive and even thrive. I can't move on relationship wise. I'm still alone and to a degree isolating but I'm trying to be inventive and strong and change that. Iv sat in your seminars and had huge light bulb moments. I thought I had this thing by the balls. But nothing really prepares you for this and the strength needed to to ignore it. For now I'm being my own support system. I'm in bits right now and afraid I'll forget everything I have learned and be suckered in. At least for now I'm doing the hug myself thing. And the fingers thing. While I'm busy with that I can't use my fingers to reply to him. Half of me wants to give in and listen to the obvious "let's suck this supply back in cos no one else will tolerate me" type drivel. The other half is saying run. Just here to keep going really. It's so so hard. I want to scream help help help!!! I'm also trying to remember Lidijas advice when I had the chance to chat with her. He's being civil. He's changed apparently. He also just had to let drop he talks to my mother, when I can't talk to her as I had to go no contact with her too.Trying to translate all this and hold tight to my emotional state is difficult but I'm spartan aren't I? This spartan is in bits but doing the right thing. Coming here rather than talking to the nitwit I still love. X

You said in your emergency kit recording to 'observe" the emotional flashback you are having, the feelings and the emotional flashback without being attached to it - to be detached. May i ask how that is done? If you are observing the feelings you are having, how can you not help but be engaged in them?

So wanting to know the answer to this

Richard Grannon's you tube videos are excellent. I can't say enough, they are a life saver. Thank you.

Just need an outlet. 5 days of contradictory crazy gaslighting. I lost the plot yesterday with it. I loop watched managing contact with a narcissist til 5am. I know I messed up at times. But did try all the techniques. Grey rock just invoked a stream of good. I'm going. Bye. I felt the pull. Today in all desperation I tried a double bind. Anything was better than I love you and you're torturing me. Well I never. It's stopped. He couldn't answer and diverted skillfully away. I know from experience it will start again. There is absolutely no point in this. It just distresses me. For a moment there I did have hope. This seems to go in cycles. This is the worst yet. And there's no love bombing aspect to this at all. I know he's mentally ill. He hasnt and never will change. Iv been so upset cos I still have feelings for him. How to eradicate those feelings Richie? He was a major part of my life but has destroyed everything. I want him locked up but it's not what happens. I don't know why he's doing this. Well I do. I just can't get my head round the futility of it. I'm writing here cos I am very isolated. I'm trying to find somewhere to just look at the stars. He's hostile, aggressive, dismissive, and in my view an infant in a 56 year olds body. I adored him. It's hard to break that. If I could pack him in a crate and put him on a boat to China I would. I just don't live near a docks and he's to big to lift. And I'd have him back if he was in anyway sane. Richie. I'm getting there. It's just so slow. And still painful. It will be phone calls next. The apparent aim being to sort all this out so I can move on. That's big of him. But in 5 days not a single things been addressed. Thank you lovely man. I just wanted to say your course got me thru a night. My next achievement will be just not to answer him. And get over my dopamine fix. I'm enabling this I know. PS. The night you had the demon towel dream you were also in mine. Doing a seminar on a beach. I liked your legs in shorts haha. Thanks for the outlet xx

Hi Rich,

I know you have gotten where you are by repeatedly walking through the fire. You live it and work on it. Knowledge hard earned and you are doing the only thing that can be done to turn that negative into a positive. Helping yourself and others deal with the aftermath. Like men, I've lost count of how many therapists I've had in my life. Har har
I have found most therapists that I have come across are in their own battle of denial regarding an abusive past or present. I see it in their body language, their tone and the way they lean towards or avoid certain topics.
Are therapists required to have their own therapy to insure they stay healthy as possible?

I would really like to know how best to protect kids. I had no idea about any of this, felt for a lot of the time I was not even liked never mind loved. The strong discipline dished out to my eldest (3-8years old) concerns me a lot, that child is very deep, the draw for him is stronger than for my/his own kids. I had believed he would act the same with all but not the case, he tried to break him, yes I am disgusted that I never realised sooner but now just need to know how best to deal with it. The revelations just continued to come out over the past year. I spent the whole time supressing my gut feelings, I then totally lost it due to an external (though now believe it may have been him) issue in which social services arrived at my door having had an anonymous letter. That more than anything totally floored me as I felt I could trust no one (I did at the time even suspect him). Now looking back he never reacted as he would usually, there was no anger and a feeling/tone of 'get over it'. I am the type that shakes with fear at the sight of police, not because I've done anything wrong so that maybe puts in context how the SS's visit derailed me. Even though put down as spite/hoax.

Main revelation was showing eldest (then 7) video on his phone of a couple 'making babies'and telling him that you have to lick certain female part (I'm putting that in polite terms for here). I am saddened to say when he told me that my jaw dropped (I couldn't help it) and he interpreted my expression and gave the longest most alright relieved sigh I've heard and said 'am glad that's not true'. Anyway following on he in reply said to 'dad'that was disgusting only to be told it's not, it's like liking mint choc-chip ice cream! They both shared a love of this. He later - months after - told me that dad had referred to it more than once and (I kid you not this is direct quote) 'trigger words to refer to it' knowing that it wound him up. This same little boy when I just asked why he lied about what he'd done and eaten that say said 'a man that tells lies doesn't deserve to hear the truth'. He can't lie, smirks, but can over the phone but I was blown away at his response.

My main concern is that my boys are okay and I'm just not sure what to do for the best. Police are not able to do anything about the above porn but during joint interview it was revealed he belted him, they then conducted one with middle son who also said the same and he's been charged and currently on bail. He has not had contact since the start of the year when both said 'dad threatened' them. He completely refused to tell them he was with someone else, said it was no different to them meeting an old friend of his down the street, and I can honestly say the word delusional was one I don't think I'd used until the past 3 years and seemed it rolled off my tongue continually when looking at his behaviour. Nothing was consistent. Found out only after he left that he'd had affairs - he'd always spent all his time texting and fb messaging - I always believed it was innocent, though he knew it annoyed me, and even after he went I'd have sworn he was all mouth and no action type so whilst chatted (bad enough in my book) not actually cheated physically.

I've thought I'm mad, narrsasist etc then came across your videos last week and now think I'm likely more co-dependent. Not sure if he is a narc or what, certainly issues. I can't believe I'm so gullible, but there you go, I never felt right about things, he turned up and never left, again my fault for allowing it. He doesn't think rules apply to him but certainly expects others to. I have a big issue with lies, my Achilles heal, I remember my jaw hitting the floor when he told a complete lie to someone in front of me, I was so shocked it was so effortless, but again convinced myself he didn't or wouldn't lie to me. The lie was not about anything major so maybe why it was easier for me to fool myself. He's a grown man with 2 kids, he'd say 3 as he's only dad my eldest will know, yet puts everything he does wrong down to his father's death and not having grieved for him. I know blokes are poor with emotions but if you can express that's your problem then you can go seek help so I see that as just a cover for the crap he does. Hes got mammy issues, and also the father, I never met him as he died years before, always missed and longed for, never a negative story. Yet hearing him break my eldest it was always 'I'd not get away with that' or trying to get him to go ahead and hit him and 'I'll show you who's boss'. He spent a lot of time with his dad so a lot of the things he'd say to him while angry were things I think had been said by his dad, in which case he was not the saintly figure he's made out be

Hi Richard, I have two questions.

1. How would you spend Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve if you don't have many friends and mos people just spend it with their own families. I'm planning ahead.

2. How much enthusiasm, energy or excitement is considered healthy in daily interactions?
I listen to Tony Robbins a lot and he says the quality of your relationships is the quality of your states. I want to be in a good state in my interactions so that I don't get bored connecting with people. They seem too flat or dull otherwise.

Love your work, you've saved me and restored my sanity. I love to listen to every word you have to say, I learn more and process more of the information each time I play your broadcasts back. I load your Soundcloud broadcasts into my phone and play them when commuting to/from work. The YouTube videos have too much data to play on my phone like that (because of the video), so they cut out after only a few minutes, whereas the Soundcloud have no video so they play for the full half hour trip. Can you load more of your broadcasts into the Soundcloud site?

In the last few videos you seem to be speaking more about the deeper root issues... why there are narcissists, why the lack of emotionally efficient empathy, why did it happen?  Correct me if I'm wrong but do you believe that the root dis-ease is our culture? and causes us to be too human centred, too human concerned, fearing death, toiling in the pursuit of being something, or trying to pair successfully with that knight in shining armour disney facade? I think I hear you saying that real human connection is important though lacking because our culture segregates and pressures? Have you read Ishmael by Daniel Quinn? Do you think that humans are too focused on giving and receiving love from other humans while ignoring or even forgetting about the give and take of love that happens between "the rest of life" and between humans and "the rest of life"? Do you feel like when you are outside really seeing clouds move, water wave, wind blowing, and birds sing, you are reminded that humans are not controlling it, and that you are a part of that freedom? Do you also believe that being inside with straight lines where everything was manmade and nothing moves or lives of its own nature other than people and pets conditions us into confinement and to be in our own heads too much which escalates dis-ease? (the cats in the lined room experiment comes to mind)  A feeling of ease definitely happens when we let ourselves go, to sense the natural goings on out-of-doors, perhaps also sitting next to someone in silence. I forget who said this: "After having watched a beautiful sunset it would be really hard to murder your neighbour". I agree that comedy is really important for helping to heal. I would not call myself a christian either, but would agree that studying the books of the bible is interesting, worthwhile, and enlightening in many ways. I think we all know the root cause for psychological problems deep down, and wouldn't blame humans, but would see our culture as the problem causer ("our culture" - meaning everywhere totalitarian agriculture is the main way we get food), it is freeing to understand that and to simultaneously let go of any hate for anyone.

Dear Richard. Please forgive the distress in this message. For 10 years I suffered sporadic but mind, heart and soul twisting emotional and sometime psychical abuse from the man I love. I understood nothing til I found this place, you, Sam and Lidija. Iv worked solidly on the courses, been to the seminars, tried so hard to heal and thrive. Iv been thru a 3 week hoovering attempt. Not been great at it but I woke today feeling strong. I felt a small bit of joy in my day. I know your work has brought me not only survival but some peace. My only struggle was that it was indeed me. That I was the disordered one. That I have caused harm to people without knowing. I believed it cos my husband told me it was true. My father was emotionally absent, I was sent to boarding school by my mother. I was surviving in the world from a very young age with little guidance
Tonight I saw my therapist. Iv come away and fallen apart. He says, yet again, I'm a pathological narcissist as I believe I have the power to make people not want me, that I have no idea what friendship is. And much more. Iv been self isolating alot but trying not to.
After tonight my door is firmly shut. Iv struggled for 18 months to keep going. To be spartan. You've been my rock. I have just collapsed. I feel toxic, I can't bear that it was me, that I spoilt my relationship with my partner, that I pushed him to such levels of temper. I do not feel I have the right to be here, I should not be here. I would prefer to sleep and never wake. I fought and fought for sovereignty, for confidence, to actually leave the house whilst in mental pain.
I want to thank you so much for helping me thru the pain and confusion. But iv just been told for the second time I'm a pathological narcissist and I'm devastated. Totally devastated. I must have harmed my man and my children. And been so arrogant. I have no idea what to do to make amends. I have no idea who I am. I thought I was beginning to. I told my therapist I have not once deliberately or consciously harmed anyone. I know I just wanted peace and love and no eggshells. He said it's unconscious. I believe I can control whether people like or loathe me. I just think I'm worthless. I put on a smile to get thru a day at work. That's all. That's what I believe anyway.
I increasingly believed all the "it's your fault" things my husband told me was projection. When I was with him I believed he was right. That I was evil.
Every minute of this 18 month struggle to keep going has just been flushed down the toilet. Iv been deluded in my mind. I am desperate for help. I don't know what to do. I just know that I can't infect anyone again. That's all I know right now. I still think you are my saviour. Can you help? Please. I'm so sorry. I don't know where else to go. I'm desperate and very distressed. Thank you. xx

brbdinner wrote:

Richard Grannon wrote:

a person wrote:1) Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with someone with CPTSD, if they are following up with therapy and the necessary steps to recover?
2) Can being in a relationship with someone with CPTSD bring out codependent/fawning coping mechanisms, and is that just an unhealthy dynamic?
3) What is the best way to be supportive to someone with CPTSD?
4) Is it even possible to separate regular "relationship" issues vs CPTSD related issues, and honestly does the distinction even matter if it is causing unhappiness...?

Thank you Richard for taking my questions. To elaborate...I would be very interested to hear from somebody who is working through (or has worked through) their CPTSD, and the impact this has on their intimate relationships.

I am a people-pleaser due to my own upbringing, and am realizing (now) how damaging it is to neglect to voice my own needs, if I want an authentic and healthy relationship. I would appreciate insight into balancing my own needs with being there for someone with CPTSD. Sometimes I worry that voicing my own needs will be a trigger and will instigate a communication shutdown with the person who has CPTSD who is prone to push me away anyway.  Insight is appreciated - thank you!

I submitted another pretty long post where I discussed my experience with BPD/CPTSD. First, I haven't been officially diagnosed with the disorder, but I've spent months now studying psychology in the hopes of helping myself, and nothing comes remotely close to BPD, as far as my symptoms are concerned. I'm a Loner (with a capital 'L'). I have rage issues. I have extremely poor interpersonal relationships. I hate the human race, a good portion of the time (though I know I shouldn't). I'm terrified of rejection by other people. My life is a horrible mess, etc.

In all the things I've read or heard about BPD, most of any possible success in treatment is going to depend on the attitude of the sufferer, and his/her willingness to admit to having a problem, and willingness to work on it. Again, I've heard that many BPD sufferers refuse to admit to having problems, and are unwilling to work on them. When you think about it, their shaky self-esteems would naturally make this difficult. I think it's fairly common for BPD sufferers to never go to counselling, and/or never accept a diagnosis of BPD.

If the person you're referring to is willing to own his issues, and work on them, and if he's serious, then he should also be willing to honor your needs. He may not readily recognize your needs; you may have to remind him (on a daily basis). There would be a time to voice your needs: when he's calm, and not in the middle of an upheaval. But you should be able to voice your needs, and he should be able to recognize the fact that you have needs. If he won't, your needs will go unmet. It really is that simple.

In my experience with BPD, in myself and my family (I come from an extremely dysfunctional family), people with BPD-like symptoms "check out" for periods at a time. They become different people. Often very angry, different people. They're likely to say very, very hurtful things, and some get violent. You'd be left to simply weather the storm, or leave. You wouldn't be able to "talk him down". The episode has to run itself out.

I think some very conscious BPD suffers, whilst in an episode, may realize what's happening, but even then, not be able to stop themselves. I've apologized on numerous occasions whilst in a fit of rage, because I knew he shouldn't be behaving the way I was, but I couldn't stop myself.

I've been working hard on my issues for over 3 years now. I've always known that something was really wrong with me. I've learned to control my feelings of extreme anger the majority of the time, but I'd tell you that any woman who signed up for a life with me would have to be very tough.

Hopefully that's some helpful insight for you.

Thank you so much for your kind reply. It was helpful. I get upset but I don't rage per se. Iv never been like this til I met my husband. I left 18 months ago. I'm not a loner. I like company. But since I left him no one seems to like me. So iv shut my door as I feel let down by the world. Bitten as it were. Every problem I have is centred round my connection with my husband. He's been messaging me for 4 weeks. The only point being to get me to admit I caused every single issue in his life. He demanded a phone call that I wouldn't make. I was in a constant state of upset. Before I met that man I was reasonably happy. Iv only ever been afraid of abandonment by him. Mainly cos he did it so often I believed I was the problem.
Every single thing you describe other than rage I have had but only ever in connection with him but never rage. Iv seen rage but only when watching him. I catered to everything he wanted so he wouldn't rage. Nothing ever worked. I don't like people now. Lost trust in them. I'm angry at myself for trusting him as he always demanded I do. He said that was the key to calmness in our life. Iv been in therapy 4 times to solve my problems. All useless. My main problem now is my addiction to him.
My friend has BPD tho I can't see it. She's just lovely. I asked her and she laughed. She's never seen me rage in 18 years but she has seen me distraught at his odd behaviour. She's also seen me confused and terrified. And desperate to make him stop the drama.
All I know is the human race I trusted isn't there anymore. So I just shut my door not knowing what else to do. I know there's something wrong with my husband. I'd got so far with cptsd etc. Learning from Richard and that fits me. I go near my husband in any way shape or form I fall to pieces. No one else makes me feel that way. No one. I went to therapy to be rid of that abs ended up with a bpd diagnosis. In one fell swoop it seemed my husbands right. I'm evil. All my healing went out the window. I'm evil. It was me all along who caused the trouble. He had a temper because of me. And I was crushed. I still am. I have to start again and learn something new. I wouldnt have hurt my husband for the world. He was my world. I don't know who to believe anymore. Iv gone back to not knowing who I am. I do know I was always the peacemaker in my husbands rages. And if I'm angry about anything it all centres round him. And the fact I now have no one really. No family other than my children. And just one or two friends as my social life was my husband and his family. I just doubt my memory now after my therapist said that. I'm questioning did the abuse ever really happen? Was it abuse? So many things. My confusion has lasted a week so far. Sorry if that's all jumbled up. I had another night of being blamed by my husband. Who as much as I'm wary of him I'm still unable to stop grieving over him. Thank you so much for replying.

Hi Richard,
I went NC earlier this year with my entire family of origin and it was the hardest and best thing I have ever done for myself.
I am very confused by my family dynamic though. Is it possible to be an engulfed scapegoat??
My mother was engulfing toward me she spent a lot of time with me I had almost no personal space. She often took me shopping and brought me nice things, but only on her terms . if I asked did Not get, and was told how ungrateful and spoiled I was for asking. Looked after me well when I was sick or hurt, clothed and fed me, and to the outside world it would seem that she was a loving parent (even I believed it). So for a long time I felt guilty about questioning her love.
Here is a bit about my mothers abuse:

She told me in graphic detail about all the stitches she had (in her private region) from child birth, she also told me how it ruined her body when she had my brother. This was before I turned 4 years old. By age 4 I knew I didn't want children "because it would hurt"

She would always confide in me about the family's money problems, constantly crying poor. Even convincing me to give her half of the $50 I had found on the ground one time because she was broke (I was age 7)

She also told me way too much info about hers and dad's sex life or lack there of.

When my father attempted to molest me (11 years old), I told my mother (who swore she would kill anyone who ever touched me, and had taught me all about the dangers of child molesters) she did nothing. Said she talked to him, and he told her it was innocent, she believed him. I later found out she had caught him in the act (doing what I had told her he was doing) and she still had done nothing!
When I was 12 I tried to break my own arm to get attention from her as I was still hurting from the rejection of my fathers abuse by my mother. I wanted her to know I was hurting. She told me she was aware that it was self inflicted but didn't seem to care.

Was aware also of multiple suicide attempts when I was a teen, but only threatened to have me locked up in an institution when they happened and never showed any concern for my safety.

She would constantly belittle me behind others backs and use snide jokes to take me down a peg infront of people whilst staving inconspicuous. Saying I was so sensitive if I got upset.

She would compare everything I did to my older brother (my only sibling. 7years older).

The things she would commonly tell me were that my brother was a good baby where as I was always screaming and very demanding.

I was always guilt tripped about my brother getting less stuff than me and told how ungrateful I was because he went without and I got given things but was never satisfied.

She liked to make me feel asthough I had something big to live upto because she always wanted a girl.

She liked telling me how she was disappointed that when I was a baby I had red hair (her own abusive mothers hair was red, and she hated the colour because of that) and brown eyes. My brother is blonde with blue eyes.

I was the stupid one, the arguementative one and unworthy of her trust because I was younger. My brother was always believed over me no matter the situation I was the one who got punished.

I was spanked and slapped so hard it left red marks on the body part they slapped. This punishment was offend done by both parents. Mum would get dad to hit me because he could hit harder, that didn't stop her from giving me a slap first when she was in too much of a rage to control herself. It was very painful and I tried to be a good girl and all costs to avoid punishment.

The last time my father spanked my bottom I was 14. I threatened to call the police and it never happened again thankfully.

She also mocked me for my caring nature like it was some kind of shameful thing to care about others pain.

I was the daughter she always wanted but with the wrong personality and looks. My brother was her perfect child but he was the wrong sex.

She latched onto me and tried with all her might to break me, to be the daughter that she wanted.

She was very controlling, and made me believe I was stupid and incapable of looking after myself. I remained very dependent on people around me and was unable to even make my own decisions until quite recently.

I was scared of the world because she taught me that danger lurked around every corner (the world wasn't safe). It was that fear that kept me from leaving as a teen. I believed that the abuse I endured was mild compared to that which I would encounter out in the world. Even when the abuse at home became so servere that she tried to smother me to death with a pillow during an arguement. I was told go ahead call the police, get taken away and see what a bad life really is.

My father also threatend to kick me out multiple times because I was disrespectful of him and my mother. While my mother was the lead abuser my father was one too, he just tended to keep more hidden about it. I think both of my parents are covert narcisstic types from the research I have done but my mother was the dominant force in the household and slightly more overt than my father.

Sorry that was so long winded. These are just a few of the things that happened in my childhood. Until the thing with my father I had no clue that I was even mistreated at all.

Hi Richard. I just went through your Dissociation course because when I saw it I knew beyond a shawdow of a doubt that I don't dissociate and I don't need it. That was my clue. "....everything absolute belongs to pathology." - Neitsche. (I didn't put the whole quote because it's ironically absolute but I love it.) I'm a pain in the ass for myself to figure out and your material and the manner in which you deliver it is so helpful. Thanks for that. I do have a question. I've been through a few of your courses and all your free material so no need to simplify it for me. I get it. Recent political events in the US are particularly triggering for me, beyond what I would think a normal reaction would be, if there is such a thing - let's say normal relative to my own baseline. With this, the CPTSD manifests as the feeling of a nest of angry hornets in my chest swarming out of control - it can not be ignored, buried, plowed over or dissociated from - shit! But, I was so good at that. lol. What it is pointing me at is my brother and journaling past events calms the emotional flashbacks a bit. The feelings of frustration of being provoked with irrational behaviour to the point of rage and lies to incriminate and smear me are all back to the surface now. We fought like cats and dogs. I'm not totally innocent and it was ugly. I'm confused because most of the material I've consumed points more toward parents. My mother was mentally ill and "incapable of connecting with children" (her words) and my father somewhat emotionally unavailable. There is definitely damage from that, but my little brother!? He is 2-1/2 years younger than me (I'm 50 now and we've not lived near each other for decades and we barely talk - his reason would be it's because I'm selfish.) and I'm now recalling events from our childhood where he violated my privacy in attempt to get dirt on me to get me in trouble, ran an ineffective smear campaign in high school. When we were kids he found and read my diary. I found out from my parents. In high school, he bugged my bedroom. Again, I found out from my parents. Apparently he leaked some private information about me in attempts to get me in trouble and got himself in trouble. Over and over he failed at trying to do me damage but I was too busy with my sports to give a shit. I was never informed of the information or his punishment. I did not get in trouble. (Was I a golden child? Were my parents simply behaving justly?) I don't know what the punishments were but definitely not cigarette burns or pulling out of fingernails - more likely being bellowed at. My brother does this to his children now and for no good reason. :-( I had somewhat dissociated from my family at about 10 years of age as I would spend all of my free time at the neighboring farm involved in my sport. I think I may have escaped some of the emotional torture of our mentally ill mother this way and maybe his ego boundaries were more damaged by it consequently he victimized me more than my parents did??? I definitely did not come out of it unscathed. I've spent my life trying to place myself in environments and situations that don't provoke my "out of control" anger because I've felt like I have an anger problem. The only people who could provoke me were my brother and boyfriends. Big time vulnerability issues here, but I think I'm starting to put my finger on the sources. I walk into the "live traps" and then get pissed the fuck off when I'm provoked. I "play" in the narcissistic sand box and then finally get frustrated that by the irrational shit. I know lots of the narcissistic tricks and have played some myself to get me out of the shit they try to drag me into. Works like a charm. Well, it did when i was 10 feet tall and bullet proof. Now that crap is uncomfortable - I'd rather avoid the trouble. Maybe the problem is that the anger issues are not 100% anger issues. I'm still putting all this together, but I'm a little stuck on the possibility of my brother being a major factor. I was happy to try to ignore him then (as per parental advice to just ignore it), but now it looks like I can't ignore the impacts he's made. I thank you Richard deeply for helping me to become quite aware of what I call "live traps" that narcissistic abusers have set all over the place. I used to happily walk right into them knowing I'd get out ok - or not knowing there were other options. I'm getting better, at the absolute least, at recognizing that I've walked into one and that I can let myself out without the big battle. Many of the interactions are becoming pH neutral. The recent elections are far from pH neutral right now, but just writing this has calmed down some of the hornets so i can be more functional. I think I have a few different swarms in there. I really feel like my brother was a missing piece of the puzzle but I'm curious what your thoughts are. I'm so good a dissociating that I'm doubting my judgement. Thanks.

Why is he acting like we're still together. Its cruel cos if he wasnt cruel i would be. He wanted to talk to sort issues. Not one issue discussed. Which I dont actually want to do. Hes talking like we used to everyday. It's making me think he's changed. It hurts. It makes me want him. I have to do something. I know Richard is busy at Liverpool hope right now but I dont understand it and I ache inside. Thank you.

I wonder if I internalized my father's heartbreak when he realized the kind of person he married?  Dad was very vulnerable after mother's suicide and he married a gold-digger who love-bombed him and us 3 kids, only to show her true colors soon after she had 2 sweet babies and took us all to Denmark for 3 months.... we constantly moved as her desire to "upgrade" her lifestyle required it.  She was never satisfied with anything even though she was given carte blanche by father to raise us as she saw fit, she chose to spend most of her time shopping and playing tennis.  Never a mothering moment for any of us, and I think my father needed her love and care more than any of us kids; we had each other and him....for a time.  Is it possible that my heart has been breaking for him too?   It sure feels like it. It feels like I am carrying his sadness inside.

I have been asking myself this a lot lately. No question I live with CPTSD. Right now I have no family around me and I have cut myself off from my unit of origin for 18 months. Yet any friends I had before in my old city distanced themselves. I don't blame them. I'm not healthy to be around and that is draining. I fawn, need too much validation and I don't know how to relationship build. I bounce around from undeserving to making things all about me. I am reading Surviving to Thriving and I see myself so clearly on the pages. Then I ask myself, am I narcicisticly wallowing in self pity?
I just lost another friend. She was the reason I found your site. She said how her husband was a narcissist and I looked it up. We were friends for over a year and she was overly generous, but I never said no. The things changed. I asked her and I was told nothing was wrong. We have not talked for two weeks.
Once I feel in my mind betrayed, I slam the door shut, isolate and basically say fuck it. Another one bites the dust.
I don't know how to relate to people. If I ask I am always told all is fine but I know. I crossed too many boundries, was not supportive when I should have been and offer unsolicited advice.
I understand that I learned many narcissistic habit growing up and in my relationships.
How do I rebuild me into the person I would like to be? Trustworthy, honest, positive and live with integrity?

Unknown

19 months ago, after 10 years of intermittent torture that I believed was love, my husband exploded on my birthday. He acted like a vicious, spiteful, sadist for 6 months afterwards. I went no contact. And set foot on a path of such mental and emotional distress I thought I might actually be commited. 6 months after going no contact he texted with some fake honourable gesture of repaying me money he owed (but had previously denied all knowledge of) I said I wanted nothing to do with him. He called me twisted.
So. Another 6 months passed and I received a similar nice gesture text. It came at a time I had every Richie course under my belt. I wanted, stupidly, to validate everything, so I went with it.
He says he wants to talk about our issues. 19 months on?!? We have talked twice. Not one issue raised, just catching up and small talk. And iv been banned from texting. This has been going on 6 weeks. Where he will text, if he wants to, hot or cold, I never know which it will be. One minute he seems intimate, jokey and nice. The next cold and as if he doesn't care either way.
My question is... Niceness doesn't work, grey rock doesn't work, ignoring him doesn't work. I can't see he's after supply at all, of any sort. I don't know what his agenda is. Iv broken my boundaries as I'm a mix between curious, hopeful, still have feelings for him, confused etc.
If he doesn't want supply what does he want? He still treats me badly it's clear. I know I should go no contact again as curiosity killed the cat. But I'm struggling with that badly. Nothing seems to work at all with him. What I do he mirrors exactly. Nice is greeted with nice, grey rock is mirrored too. Ignoring him, he ignores me til one of us breaks and it's usually me. Please. What does he want??? If I had no feelings i wouldn't care, but I do. x

Edited since I found a way to handle the situation!

Hi Richard,

I was wondering if you had heard of MAPS (The Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies). I saw a really interesting segment on the Chelsea show on Netflix last night and was wondering what your thoughts were on their work and approach. They advocate for the use of psychedelics and therapeutic applications (seems to mostly be applied to PTSD at the moment). I'm not able to include a link but hopefully you can google and review the work they are doing, would love to hear your thoughts and insights.

Thank you!