I've been going through a lot of different things lately, I got out of the bad/toxic/abusive relationship at the end of May, I remember feeling elated right away and also angry, kind of cycling through a lot of different emotions, but have managed to get out of it.. The relationship I had before that was also toxic..
It's been hard obviously, the past few years have really echoed things that happened in my childhood that have really had an impact on me emotionally.. I'm in therapy right now and what my therapist is saying is that I seem really flat emotionally, like un-expressive and talking about things that happened very "matter of factly" without showing much emotion.. I've kind of noticed this too, like a numbing out in general.. maybe on the dissociative side, only all the time.
I've noticed myself cycling through some ups and downs, like I'll be okay for a while, then I'll get into a depression where I don't feel like doing anything and getting really down on myself.. kind of in a depression cycle right now. I think part of it is due to a new crush that I have on someone who I'm working with on projects, that I talked about in my last thread in the "narc abuse" section.. won't go through all of it again..
So basically I like someone and it's hurting me, because I know it's too soon to consider a relationship but I still have to talk to him on a semi regular basis, while at the same time trying to heal myself. Logically I know it's time to stop focusing on him because it's not the right timing, it's very difficult and I'm kind of mourning a relationship I never had, have been also trying to see any red flags in him for narcissism or any kind of problematic behavior and haven't found any yet, but only time will tell.. So far he seems like a great person with a lot of great qualities that I admire, almost to the point of feeling like he's "too good for me" to be around and I'm going to need to warn him about me, being scared that somehow I will ruin this guy as well... I also run the risk of oversharing with him, like once the flood gates open I'll spill my guts.. just cause he's the first nice person that has come along in a while.. IDK, it's tough.. there's a balance I guess.
Logically I know it's because of the cptsd and how I was constantly told that I wasn't good enough by a number of people.. I've decided that I need to try and keep a balanced distance from him, to not get too close or start a real relationship of any kind, even a real friendship because then I will have to tell him things about myself.. for some reason I feel like if I do it will make him not like me, even in a creative partnership, and I'll lose out on being around this person.. So when we talk I listen to him as he opens up to me and kind of act as a more observer when I'm around him, it's difficult to open up in any way..
After seeing Richard's Instagram post that the most important relationship we should be fostering is with ourselves, I definitely see how I become self abandoning when I like someone, and all the focus gets directed on them.. this is leading me to have bad relationships, or at least part of it..I have a feeling this doesn't really mean to cut everyone out of our lives, but I need a balance and to really be responsible for my own happiness. So.. it's hard..I feel like I'm starting over a bit after going through this mini heartbreak of finding someone I have a connection with, then also having to let them go.. How I'm doing this is re-evaluating the schedule I set for myself, deciding when I'm going to work out, how I'm going to eat enough and healthy-ish, when I'll work on my projects, clean my apartment, etc... Doing a lot of goal setting as well, for my interests and what I want to accomplish in my own life, but also giving myself permission to just chill out and relax when I need to.. I might try to go back to dance class, I just have to work up the courage.. Sometimes it's just really hard to stick to it when I set this stuff up and then when the time comes all I want to do is nothing.. usually when I'm depressed.. such as after letting go of a crush I don't really want to let go of.
But I'm doing the best I can with what I have, and it'll just take some time, trying to be self compassionate and go easy on myself, going to put up some self motivation on my wall like collages I did with my schedule and some affirmations that I want to remember..Clearly one day being able to have a healthy loving relationship is very important to me, but I have to become someone who is capable of doing that in the first place.
It's been hard obviously, the past few years have really echoed things that happened in my childhood that have really had an impact on me emotionally.. I'm in therapy right now and what my therapist is saying is that I seem really flat emotionally, like un-expressive and talking about things that happened very "matter of factly" without showing much emotion.. I've kind of noticed this too, like a numbing out in general.. maybe on the dissociative side, only all the time.
I've noticed myself cycling through some ups and downs, like I'll be okay for a while, then I'll get into a depression where I don't feel like doing anything and getting really down on myself.. kind of in a depression cycle right now. I think part of it is due to a new crush that I have on someone who I'm working with on projects, that I talked about in my last thread in the "narc abuse" section.. won't go through all of it again..
So basically I like someone and it's hurting me, because I know it's too soon to consider a relationship but I still have to talk to him on a semi regular basis, while at the same time trying to heal myself. Logically I know it's time to stop focusing on him because it's not the right timing, it's very difficult and I'm kind of mourning a relationship I never had, have been also trying to see any red flags in him for narcissism or any kind of problematic behavior and haven't found any yet, but only time will tell.. So far he seems like a great person with a lot of great qualities that I admire, almost to the point of feeling like he's "too good for me" to be around and I'm going to need to warn him about me, being scared that somehow I will ruin this guy as well... I also run the risk of oversharing with him, like once the flood gates open I'll spill my guts.. just cause he's the first nice person that has come along in a while.. IDK, it's tough.. there's a balance I guess.
Logically I know it's because of the cptsd and how I was constantly told that I wasn't good enough by a number of people.. I've decided that I need to try and keep a balanced distance from him, to not get too close or start a real relationship of any kind, even a real friendship because then I will have to tell him things about myself.. for some reason I feel like if I do it will make him not like me, even in a creative partnership, and I'll lose out on being around this person.. So when we talk I listen to him as he opens up to me and kind of act as a more observer when I'm around him, it's difficult to open up in any way..
After seeing Richard's Instagram post that the most important relationship we should be fostering is with ourselves, I definitely see how I become self abandoning when I like someone, and all the focus gets directed on them.. this is leading me to have bad relationships, or at least part of it..I have a feeling this doesn't really mean to cut everyone out of our lives, but I need a balance and to really be responsible for my own happiness. So.. it's hard..I feel like I'm starting over a bit after going through this mini heartbreak of finding someone I have a connection with, then also having to let them go.. How I'm doing this is re-evaluating the schedule I set for myself, deciding when I'm going to work out, how I'm going to eat enough and healthy-ish, when I'll work on my projects, clean my apartment, etc... Doing a lot of goal setting as well, for my interests and what I want to accomplish in my own life, but also giving myself permission to just chill out and relax when I need to.. I might try to go back to dance class, I just have to work up the courage.. Sometimes it's just really hard to stick to it when I set this stuff up and then when the time comes all I want to do is nothing.. usually when I'm depressed.. such as after letting go of a crush I don't really want to let go of.
But I'm doing the best I can with what I have, and it'll just take some time, trying to be self compassionate and go easy on myself, going to put up some self motivation on my wall like collages I did with my schedule and some affirmations that I want to remember..Clearly one day being able to have a healthy loving relationship is very important to me, but I have to become someone who is capable of doing that in the first place.