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Richard,
First, I so appreciate your insight, expertise and sincerity combined with your hilarity - a rare blend of consciousness without getting too serious in life, especially on the topic of dark narcissism. Your point of view is always conveyed in a way that hints that breakthroughs and stability are just around the corner, helpful for those of us who have felt the gravity of narcissistic abuse visited upon us.
You recently interviewed Sam Vaknin, discussing classification of narcissism (with both of you admitting your occasional errors that way - very admirable). I agree with you both that the subject has probably been fairly distorted by many on the internet. This distortion is understandable. When people, like me, are in pain, trying to find a new way, we may be angry and confused by past narcissistic abuse, striving to untangle webs we've had to navigate in life. The view of life can, for a while, be cynical and somewhat dualistic. By dualistic, I mean, having an "either-or" approach to seeing people and situations: "he's either a narcissistic guy in his red sportscar looking for narcissistic supply or he's an empathic doormat." I do this all the time, as I am reconstructing a new life through more "evolved" eyes. I think dualistic thinking is what our ego does to avoid painful reminders of our past. Here's what I'm wondering:
When Sam talks about unity - that there is little difference between a covert narcissist and a classic narcissist, can it be that there is yet another level that could move us toward even more unity? Could it be that the narcissist in crossing boundaries to avoid abandonment is not that different from the empath who has crossed boundaries in placing other people's feelings higher than his own? Could it be that the expression of fear of abandonment appears almost diametrically opposite (that the empath "cares" and the narcissist "doesn't"), when in fact both are in fear of being alone, both crossing boundaries driven by fear, deep down? I have found myself being swallowed by righteous uncaring in one moment, only to swing into more empathic, self-soothing in the next moment. Can it be that when we are fixated on labeling others as NPD (or whatever), we are moving away from integration - that we are healthiest when possessing both narcissism and warm empathy, with less fixation on troublesome others? Could it be that the unity of human existence is to be less dualistic and, instead, ask ourselves to seek awareness of our intent, awareness of our level of fear? Where there is love, there is absence of fear. True, a died-in-the-wool narcissist is likely to never get beyond fear and selfish manipulation, but many of us are sort of on the cusp of being that person. Could it be that some of us (less terrified of abandonment, but still fearful) can be too fixated on labeling the narcissists in our life, that we are actually inviting the very energy that we are wanting to avoid? When we "hate" or fixate on something enough, aren't we closer to being the thing that we most despise or fixate on? I say this because I have found that, on my healing path, I have learned to better accept my own narcissism. In turn, I am gradually finding that the "narcissists" out there are actually less scary and threatening. I see myself in them and can maintain my own centeredness better, as well as not be moved around the board by narcissists who previously could move me around. To me, owning my shame, imperfection, hatred, fear and sadness is the only way through it. My fixations, while necessary to initiate a new awareness, can get in my way of growth. Unity, for me, is to find the sweet spot in the middle of my compulsions to fixate on dualistic extremes. I am not making a case for not classifying or not being dualistic as a means to initiate understanding, rather I'm making a case for embracing the bigger picture of eventually trying to move through dualism, which, I believe, may be a form of fear.
First, I so appreciate your insight, expertise and sincerity combined with your hilarity - a rare blend of consciousness without getting too serious in life, especially on the topic of dark narcissism. Your point of view is always conveyed in a way that hints that breakthroughs and stability are just around the corner, helpful for those of us who have felt the gravity of narcissistic abuse visited upon us.
You recently interviewed Sam Vaknin, discussing classification of narcissism (with both of you admitting your occasional errors that way - very admirable). I agree with you both that the subject has probably been fairly distorted by many on the internet. This distortion is understandable. When people, like me, are in pain, trying to find a new way, we may be angry and confused by past narcissistic abuse, striving to untangle webs we've had to navigate in life. The view of life can, for a while, be cynical and somewhat dualistic. By dualistic, I mean, having an "either-or" approach to seeing people and situations: "he's either a narcissistic guy in his red sportscar looking for narcissistic supply or he's an empathic doormat." I do this all the time, as I am reconstructing a new life through more "evolved" eyes. I think dualistic thinking is what our ego does to avoid painful reminders of our past. Here's what I'm wondering:
When Sam talks about unity - that there is little difference between a covert narcissist and a classic narcissist, can it be that there is yet another level that could move us toward even more unity? Could it be that the narcissist in crossing boundaries to avoid abandonment is not that different from the empath who has crossed boundaries in placing other people's feelings higher than his own? Could it be that the expression of fear of abandonment appears almost diametrically opposite (that the empath "cares" and the narcissist "doesn't"), when in fact both are in fear of being alone, both crossing boundaries driven by fear, deep down? I have found myself being swallowed by righteous uncaring in one moment, only to swing into more empathic, self-soothing in the next moment. Can it be that when we are fixated on labeling others as NPD (or whatever), we are moving away from integration - that we are healthiest when possessing both narcissism and warm empathy, with less fixation on troublesome others? Could it be that the unity of human existence is to be less dualistic and, instead, ask ourselves to seek awareness of our intent, awareness of our level of fear? Where there is love, there is absence of fear. True, a died-in-the-wool narcissist is likely to never get beyond fear and selfish manipulation, but many of us are sort of on the cusp of being that person. Could it be that some of us (less terrified of abandonment, but still fearful) can be too fixated on labeling the narcissists in our life, that we are actually inviting the very energy that we are wanting to avoid? When we "hate" or fixate on something enough, aren't we closer to being the thing that we most despise or fixate on? I say this because I have found that, on my healing path, I have learned to better accept my own narcissism. In turn, I am gradually finding that the "narcissists" out there are actually less scary and threatening. I see myself in them and can maintain my own centeredness better, as well as not be moved around the board by narcissists who previously could move me around. To me, owning my shame, imperfection, hatred, fear and sadness is the only way through it. My fixations, while necessary to initiate a new awareness, can get in my way of growth. Unity, for me, is to find the sweet spot in the middle of my compulsions to fixate on dualistic extremes. I am not making a case for not classifying or not being dualistic as a means to initiate understanding, rather I'm making a case for embracing the bigger picture of eventually trying to move through dualism, which, I believe, may be a form of fear.
