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Hi Richard
I want to start this by thanking you for your you tube channel. In your last post you spoke about recently being in a dark place and the work occasionally eating you; I'm not usually someone who reaches posts but I am a consumer so I thought id take the opportunity to give you some positive reinforcement, tell you my story and how your you tube channel has had a profound impact on my life and my outlook, whilst asking you for your thoughts on my current observations - what appears to be the narcissistic collapse of my father, though there is not much information (aside from a tidbit from Sam Varkin) on this matter.
I had a very strenuous relationship with my father - who I suspect (know) to have strong narcissistic and borderline tendencies; he was not violent but verbally and financially abusive, emotionally manipulative, unable to ever accept fault and extremely hypocritical and loves playing the martyr. Everyone in the family had difficulty with him at times, but on the whole I considered my family mildly dysfunctional at the time, as we did have many happy times. As a teenage my people pleasing mother became distant and detached with my father living more and more of an independent life and becoming more emotionally and financially controlling. He never spoke much of his child hood, my grandmother was certainly an odd women and he kept my sister and I at a distance, I know there was a lot of presure on him to succeed conventionally as the only boy, after his brother died when he was a young teenager. I developed pronounced histrionic and schyzotypal tendancies and escaped into mild drugs, I was deeply depressed, felt unworthy with not being able to find work until ironically I had a vision that changed my life. I left Merseyside, my close wider family (which was functional and happy) and my friends. I traveled for a long time, learnt a lot of self awareness and taught myself emotional stability and good mental hygiene through routine, exercise and meditation, I found opportunity and mental stability in Australia which is were I still live. Until your channel I thought it was always my attitude, hormones and temperament that disrupted our family when I was a teenager - that it was all my fault. Although I have learnt my boundaries I have chosen to stay here because when I return I seem to regress and fall into destructive emotion patterns with my father and its not healthy for myself or the rest of my family.
I have had many good relationships, which I was blessed with as I could of easily fallen victim earlier, but could never find love or pursue until I met someone 4 years where there was a 'spark.' He was a narcissist and though his personality was similar to my dad (less negative) and so was the dynamic, I was a more patient and forgiving person and the familiarity on the dynamic gave me reassurance. To be honest we rarely argued because I had become so passive as I aged in fear of being caught in the histrionic fire and I lived in his life, with his family and allowed him to control me and make me his trophy girlfriend. I had never been part of that materialistic world before, he was successful, and had drive like myself - he was highly intelligent - a lieutenant in the reserve military and made a lot of money in the mine and although my opposite it was alluring to me, I enjoyed sex for the first time although it was mild BDSM. I took him home and he fitted in well with the family (being charming and funny as he was) and we made promises to each other and I convinced myself nobody is perfect, i'm certainly not, with patience and communication I would be able to show him how him separating me from my friends, his emotional and financial control hurts me. I now know how naive I was.
After being together 2 years I got news from home that my mum had discovered that my father was in substantial private debt, which he had been hiding, she discovered that he had a prolific gambling problem, that he had taken substantial loans against the house (which should of been paid off), that he was in trouble with a loan shark and had also been having an affair with a women for ten years. My father tried to shirk away from any responsibility, blamed his actions on my mothers distance - but its hard to know which came first. Obviously this was a traumatic experience for everyone, I was very upset and made arrangements to go home for a month. By boyfriend at the time tried to make it his problem, that the tension I was going through was causing difficulty for us, he created arguments and spoke to people in my life (like my boss) about our relationship - shaming me, he put me in what I now know to be a double bind, when he refused to break up with me or give me the reassurance that we would try and work it out when I returned, I tried to reason and reassure and be understanding but at the end of the day I couldn't understand his selfishness and broke up with him out of principle, despite my deeply hurt feelings. I guess this is what he wanted - how could he be seen to dump an emotionally fragile, newly impoverished girlfriend who his family loved?
When I got home I became very sick - I got severe shingles with the anxiety and emotional torment that I nearly lost my eyesight; I tried to fix, cope and also digest my own heart ache. My mother was also financially struggling and heartbroken, my dad was threatening suicide and refusing to admit mistakes or seek help and my sister was trying to get approval to take over his half of the mortgage. Seeing my dad in a completely different way, comparing my relationship karma and returning to Australia alone was the hardest thing I've ever done. I sought counselling and learnt about contact boundaries but nothing really helped explain how I came to be in this place and how I could prevent it again. Your channel was the only thing that empowered me and helped me understand the patterns during that very dark time, so thank you very much. I recognized my weaknesses and learned the psychological mechanisms of why these circumstances came into being, how to protect myself and make changes. It really made a difference, I am now financially independent, own my own pad, have a much better job that is conducive to my mental health and I am in a very well balanced, happy and communicative relationship, with a type of person I would never have considered before... and the sex is great and respectful - so please let all those people who think that they can't move on from that, know that its possible with true acceptance and hardwork!!
My mum and sister are happy although there is a lot of pressure on my sister and I feel very guilty about that. However I've watched my once charismatic, life of the party father, become increasing helpless and isolated. he never responds to my calls or videos i leave him, never - probably because im not available for supply and represent his failings. He continues to lie and gamble (although only with the cash in hand he gets), he begrudgingly relys on handouts from his wider family though he cannot 'feed' from them any more as they know his games. He is still seeing the other lady (who was previously in a physically abusive relationship) though he lies about it and my sister hears reports that he talks fondly about my mum in front of her. He was living with my recently deceased grandfather - his death had a big impact on him and he has deteriorated a more lot since then. He is living with my aunty in north Wales and I thought of bringing him over here to loko after him and remove him from his pattern behaviors. He seems to be loosing control of his faculties, he has aged alot, is very forgetful and depressive and will not help himself by going the doctor or with simple things like replacing his glasses, he just uses his misfortune to play the martyr - so much so that I feel like he needs carer and fear he may have early onset dementia at 59 bought on from the depression and web of lies and financial stress.
I came across the idea of a collapsed Narcissist and wondered if he fits the profile and if you have any insights? I wonder if there is anything we can do to at least get him to the point of self sufficiency, I wonder how long this 'midlife crisis' will last; it hurts for me to see him having to struggle to make ends meet, live in a bed sit and sponge off people, without really having anyone to talk to and feeling really emasculated, after all his failing we had a reasonable childhood and he worked hard for the majority of his life. Is this really how failed narcissists end up?
Look forward to any insights that you have ....
best
Jennifer
I want to start this by thanking you for your you tube channel. In your last post you spoke about recently being in a dark place and the work occasionally eating you; I'm not usually someone who reaches posts but I am a consumer so I thought id take the opportunity to give you some positive reinforcement, tell you my story and how your you tube channel has had a profound impact on my life and my outlook, whilst asking you for your thoughts on my current observations - what appears to be the narcissistic collapse of my father, though there is not much information (aside from a tidbit from Sam Varkin) on this matter.
I had a very strenuous relationship with my father - who I suspect (know) to have strong narcissistic and borderline tendencies; he was not violent but verbally and financially abusive, emotionally manipulative, unable to ever accept fault and extremely hypocritical and loves playing the martyr. Everyone in the family had difficulty with him at times, but on the whole I considered my family mildly dysfunctional at the time, as we did have many happy times. As a teenage my people pleasing mother became distant and detached with my father living more and more of an independent life and becoming more emotionally and financially controlling. He never spoke much of his child hood, my grandmother was certainly an odd women and he kept my sister and I at a distance, I know there was a lot of presure on him to succeed conventionally as the only boy, after his brother died when he was a young teenager. I developed pronounced histrionic and schyzotypal tendancies and escaped into mild drugs, I was deeply depressed, felt unworthy with not being able to find work until ironically I had a vision that changed my life. I left Merseyside, my close wider family (which was functional and happy) and my friends. I traveled for a long time, learnt a lot of self awareness and taught myself emotional stability and good mental hygiene through routine, exercise and meditation, I found opportunity and mental stability in Australia which is were I still live. Until your channel I thought it was always my attitude, hormones and temperament that disrupted our family when I was a teenager - that it was all my fault. Although I have learnt my boundaries I have chosen to stay here because when I return I seem to regress and fall into destructive emotion patterns with my father and its not healthy for myself or the rest of my family.
I have had many good relationships, which I was blessed with as I could of easily fallen victim earlier, but could never find love or pursue until I met someone 4 years where there was a 'spark.' He was a narcissist and though his personality was similar to my dad (less negative) and so was the dynamic, I was a more patient and forgiving person and the familiarity on the dynamic gave me reassurance. To be honest we rarely argued because I had become so passive as I aged in fear of being caught in the histrionic fire and I lived in his life, with his family and allowed him to control me and make me his trophy girlfriend. I had never been part of that materialistic world before, he was successful, and had drive like myself - he was highly intelligent - a lieutenant in the reserve military and made a lot of money in the mine and although my opposite it was alluring to me, I enjoyed sex for the first time although it was mild BDSM. I took him home and he fitted in well with the family (being charming and funny as he was) and we made promises to each other and I convinced myself nobody is perfect, i'm certainly not, with patience and communication I would be able to show him how him separating me from my friends, his emotional and financial control hurts me. I now know how naive I was.
After being together 2 years I got news from home that my mum had discovered that my father was in substantial private debt, which he had been hiding, she discovered that he had a prolific gambling problem, that he had taken substantial loans against the house (which should of been paid off), that he was in trouble with a loan shark and had also been having an affair with a women for ten years. My father tried to shirk away from any responsibility, blamed his actions on my mothers distance - but its hard to know which came first. Obviously this was a traumatic experience for everyone, I was very upset and made arrangements to go home for a month. By boyfriend at the time tried to make it his problem, that the tension I was going through was causing difficulty for us, he created arguments and spoke to people in my life (like my boss) about our relationship - shaming me, he put me in what I now know to be a double bind, when he refused to break up with me or give me the reassurance that we would try and work it out when I returned, I tried to reason and reassure and be understanding but at the end of the day I couldn't understand his selfishness and broke up with him out of principle, despite my deeply hurt feelings. I guess this is what he wanted - how could he be seen to dump an emotionally fragile, newly impoverished girlfriend who his family loved?
When I got home I became very sick - I got severe shingles with the anxiety and emotional torment that I nearly lost my eyesight; I tried to fix, cope and also digest my own heart ache. My mother was also financially struggling and heartbroken, my dad was threatening suicide and refusing to admit mistakes or seek help and my sister was trying to get approval to take over his half of the mortgage. Seeing my dad in a completely different way, comparing my relationship karma and returning to Australia alone was the hardest thing I've ever done. I sought counselling and learnt about contact boundaries but nothing really helped explain how I came to be in this place and how I could prevent it again. Your channel was the only thing that empowered me and helped me understand the patterns during that very dark time, so thank you very much. I recognized my weaknesses and learned the psychological mechanisms of why these circumstances came into being, how to protect myself and make changes. It really made a difference, I am now financially independent, own my own pad, have a much better job that is conducive to my mental health and I am in a very well balanced, happy and communicative relationship, with a type of person I would never have considered before... and the sex is great and respectful - so please let all those people who think that they can't move on from that, know that its possible with true acceptance and hardwork!!
My mum and sister are happy although there is a lot of pressure on my sister and I feel very guilty about that. However I've watched my once charismatic, life of the party father, become increasing helpless and isolated. he never responds to my calls or videos i leave him, never - probably because im not available for supply and represent his failings. He continues to lie and gamble (although only with the cash in hand he gets), he begrudgingly relys on handouts from his wider family though he cannot 'feed' from them any more as they know his games. He is still seeing the other lady (who was previously in a physically abusive relationship) though he lies about it and my sister hears reports that he talks fondly about my mum in front of her. He was living with my recently deceased grandfather - his death had a big impact on him and he has deteriorated a more lot since then. He is living with my aunty in north Wales and I thought of bringing him over here to loko after him and remove him from his pattern behaviors. He seems to be loosing control of his faculties, he has aged alot, is very forgetful and depressive and will not help himself by going the doctor or with simple things like replacing his glasses, he just uses his misfortune to play the martyr - so much so that I feel like he needs carer and fear he may have early onset dementia at 59 bought on from the depression and web of lies and financial stress.
I came across the idea of a collapsed Narcissist and wondered if he fits the profile and if you have any insights? I wonder if there is anything we can do to at least get him to the point of self sufficiency, I wonder how long this 'midlife crisis' will last; it hurts for me to see him having to struggle to make ends meet, live in a bed sit and sponge off people, without really having anyone to talk to and feeling really emasculated, after all his failing we had a reasonable childhood and he worked hard for the majority of his life. Is this really how failed narcissists end up?
Look forward to any insights that you have ....
best
Jennifer
