Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach

Richard Grannon The Spartan Life Coach Narcissism Support

    Going to Have to do a Bunch of Shit I'm Terrified of... Again



    Posts : 17
    Join date : 2016-06-11

    Going to Have to do a Bunch of Shit I'm Terrified of... Again

    Post by blahblah77 on Wed Aug 10, 2016 5:11 am

    There is so much to work out with CPTSD. For a while I was doing really well, (actually ESPECIALLY during my narcissistically abusive relationship; I was experiencing grief that I had never experienced before which was quite sobering and healing. I was also forced to be incredibly bold and courageous). But I lost a lot of my range of emotion, ability to assert myself, and ability to respond appropriately in any given scenario when I became roommates with a borderline/severely broken CPTSD guy. My other roommate had narcissistic traits. I thought my sense of self and inner strength were strong enough that I could just deal with it, but I couldn't. After two years of living in the mess, all of his passive aggressive acting out, emotional manipulation, all of the bullshit I had to deal with from that situation wore down on me. I gave in. I gave that little douche what he wanted; I started to put his emotions before mine. I started to worry more about how he was feeling than how I was. I had actually tried a variety of different tactics in order to get him to deal with his problems before they got out of hand. In the beginning of my relationship with him, I had always tried to be encouraging, tried to build his self esteem, and tried to make him understand that he could be a strong person and he could do anything that anybody else could do. I never tried to bring him down. I thought I could help with (what I thought was just CPTSD) and re-parent him. But after every attempt failed and he started dragging all of my old demons out, I finally had enough. At one point I explained in great detail to him exactly how his passive aggressive behavioral patterns were messing with my head and how he needed to deal with his own problems rather than expect me to deal with his AND mine. I told him I wasn't being his therapist. But none of it worked.

    When I tried to distance myself, his abandonment fears would kick in and I would catch him obsessing over my absence. For example, I started sleeping downstairs on the couch in order to get away from him and I would catch him standing in the hallway staring at me. "Sup." He would only ever greet me with that one single word. In the same exact monotonous voice every single time. Very annoying. Also would do this thing where he would loudly and dramatically clear his throat every morning. I'm pretty sure he just did it so people would notice him. He was so ridiculously traumatized by whatever happened to him that he couldn't ever sleep. He also unfortunately set himself up so his room was right next to the kitchen (where he would spend a majority of his time). If I were in the kitchen passed 10 PM making food with the light on, and I walked out of the room for even a split second; he would get out of bed, walk to the kitchen, turn the light off, and walk back into his room. Even if I had the oven/stove/microwave on! Then the next morning he would give me passive agressive, bitchy, attitude because he couldn't sleep (I actually had offered to let him have my room at one point in order to solve the problem. He declined. Why? My best guess is because he wanted complete control of the kitchen whenever he wanted at everyone elses' expense.). He would also do things like close the door on me if I walked out with cans of food to throw outside in the recycling bin. Even though I would only walk outside for literally 10 seconds maximum. He was such an OCD neat freak that he would passive aggressively flip out over any little inconvenience to his insane standard of a tidy living space. Like one day I found a pile of clothes folded up on a table outside along with a couple of other little things that he had put out just so he knew that I would see that I left them out. He couldn't just come to me and have a verbal conflict with me; he had to make a little scene to show me. He was so bad at asserting himself that he would either let people walk all over him to an insane degree or act out like a little kid and make life miserable for everyone else. At one point a female roommate of ours came home wasted and knocked an entire cabinet over. I told him "don't pick that up, let her deal with it; it is her problem not yours". I caught him a few hours later picking up the cabinet. He was so helpless that he looked to me to be his parent; a responsibility that I did not want after I finally realized that he didn't want to heal and I had become unfit for the job as I had my own problems to deal with. One day he came out of the bathroom telling me that he had shit blood. He was in a panic. He helplessly asked me "what do I do"? I said "well. You should probably go to the hospital and see what the problem is". He was so in denial of reality that he wouldn't even go to the hospital to get the problem checked out. It turned out to just be a hemorrhoid and he was fine, but he wouldn't even go to the doctor when he had SHIT BLOOD. I guess it is right when Richard Grannon says an avoidance of pain is behind every personality disorder. I told him to go get therapy. I sent him Richard's videos. I told him to deal with his own problems. I did everything I could. None of it worked and eventually his bullshit dragged me right down the drain. I started getting emotional flashbacks again. Started becoming perfectionistic again. Started becoming codependent again (more worried about the feelings of others than my own). Now I need to build myself back up. I was doing really, really, well before this happened.

    There were many other factors that made me go downhill as well. It would have been a stressful couple of years regardless. At one point we had a guy who's overly dramatic, entitled girlfriend moved in without our knowledge. She just decided that she lived in our house. Wasn't even paying rent. That situation was also difficult to navigate. I was the only one willing to stand up and assert myself and to even make an effort to tell her to get out (this is only after having a calm conversation with my roommate about his girlfriend being a problem). But she wouldn't have it. I heard her in the room throwing a little bitch fit one day "that fucking asshole blah blah blah blah!". Well no. I'm not a fucking asshole. I simply just didn't agree to have this person live in my house that I actually pay rent to live in, and neither did anybody else living there. Anyway, I ended up apologizing to her for asserting myself in an aggressive way (like a good little codependent), and that was frustrating.

    It turns out I don't really resent these people as much as I resent myself for letting it all happen to me. I could have been more assertive. I could have called the police and have them kick her out. I could have let my other roommate throw his little temper tantrums and told him he needs to grow the fuck up, rather than avoiding the angry explosion of emotion that would have happened if I would have finally just expressed the level of disdain that I had for him (instead I allowed myself to build a wall of resentment). I sometimes wish I would have done that when my compassion finally ran out. But I didn't. I tried to deal with these situations and was unable to fully keep strong. I lost my sense of self because of this situation. I became resentful because of this situation. Now I hope to find my inner pain again and work through it. I have to go do things that I am now scared to do again (like deal with messy emotions, re-learn to assert myself confidently, yet be vulnerable and compassionate with other people; some of the tallest orders of all for me). It is OK though. I have accepted the fact that it is necessary for me to once again walk down the road of re-training myself to be an adult for the second time. At least now I seem to be starting to remember what I did to recover the first time. I refuse to let my life be one where I do not truly live simply because of people who wish to bring me down.

      Current date/time is Fri Sep 21, 2018 9:41 am